Would you be put off by a man who doesn't drive?

[ItDoesMyHeadIn]

I was. Cancelled the date. I'm being too fussy apparently. To be fair my friend is married to a man who doesn't drive and he's amazing. Neither of my parents drive. The guy I was going to date could afford it, he just can't be arsed. He is happy to walk everywhere or use public transport. Up to him. But I would want to be with someone who can literally take the wheel sometimes. Like fuck do I want to be the one driving 8 hours up to Scotland for a holiday, or being the one to always collect the takeaway etc. I'm pretty traditional and sometimes I admit I would want my man to pick me up and take me out for dinner etc (fuck off crazy feminists, yes I can take myself out for dinner). I didn't actually realise how much of a deal breaker this was until it was put in front of me! Interested in opinions...

Another way to make people with medical conditions feel shit about themselves. I know you’ve said medical conditions are a different matter, but honestly, if the problem is that you don’t want to be giving lifts, then medical condition or not, it’s going to be off putting to you, and seemingly swathes of other posters here. There are loads of lovely people who don’t drive for many reasons. A real shame.

Yeah tbh this would be a deal breaker for me lol

Oh well if also sitting on the bus with said child doesn’t mean being ferried why would I pick all those buses and time spent waiting, over 10 mins in a cars. And child B may wish me to sit on the bus in the opposite direction for their friend. A driver could do both journeys in half the time.

Getting the train is absolutely not a big deal for us. It’s efficient and quick and enjoyable. Waiting hours on a road side in the rain for a bus to make some kind of moral point that it’s definitely better than driving because I wouldn’t want lazy children who cant stand to walk anywhere, would I, is kind of cruel really. I could drive them and stay happy.

@Frazzledmummy123 You’ve proved your own point really. If something happened, I’d have a husband to drive. The second adult is the back up. One driver means less contingency, no fall back and poor billy doing candle making instead of what he really wants to do because it’s closer and more convenient for the adult.

@Windbeneathmybingowings yeah, you'd need your husband to drive whereas I wouldn't have to tell my husband he needed to drive. Then if my husband doesn't want to drive, then isn't it selfish to force him? I don't need any fall back as I don't rely on a lump of metal that could break down any time to get us around.

I also don't judge others... I'll leave that right there 🙂

In case you missed this ... public transport is hugely expensive

Owning and running a car isn't exactly free. The average cost of motoring is £3.5k/year. An annual season ticket on the train for the average commuting distance would cost less than that, by bus it would only be around £600/700.

Not at all.
As long as he was kind, caring, and we got on well what does it matter about driving.

No, as long as he has a good driver🤓.

If you drive you have a choice. It doesn’t exclude you from walking or taking public transport.

If it was genuinely just as convenient to take public transport I wouldn’t drive anywhere, but it isn’t anywhere near as convenient. I like to dictate what time my journey will be at, the temperature in my car, no annoying passengers sitting next to me with screaming babies. It feels a lot safer getting into my car rather than walking at night or even getting to a taxi (depressing as that may be).

I would question the reason a man didn’t want to make his life more comfortable if he had the money to do so.

I'd be put off having a non-driver as a partner. I like to share the load & although I enjoy driving, I also enjoy being driven.

DP doesn't have a car ATM as he doesn't need one where he lives, but he drives mine when it suits both of us.

As someone with a non driving OH (no physical reason) this is my fear. We manage fine now and he does housework while I’m bringing kids to hobbies so we are technically both looking after the family but what if something big or small happened to me? Our lives would be drastically altered. We do use public transport, walk and cycle , and the kids are well used to that but there are certain things we need a car for and I would hate to be without it. When I was pregnant I dreaded the thought of labouring in a taxi . In the end a friend drove me but I did resent having to rely on someone else for something so intimate (I was trying to stay at home as long as possible so fully in labour by the time we left). What if I need hospital treatment? I would hate to have chemo and wait for a taxi afterwards. Yes it’s worse case scenario but people do get sick. My OH would argue he rarely asks me ‘for a lift’ but all of the household driving falls to me. It is an issue in the marriage, definitely

My OH would argue he rarely asks me ‘for a lift’ but all of the household driving falls to me.

And that's the issue. It isn't just about driving him around, it's about doing ALL the household driving, with kids in the mix. It's a big issue for a lot of people and it's not hard to see why. It would be an issue for me. And I expect it would be an issue for my husband.

Why doesn't your partner drive?

It's a big issue for a lot of people and it's not hard to see why.

I can see why it is a big issue for people who want lives that involve a lot of driving, and want that driving to be shared.

I don’t think it is fair, though, to assume as many on this thread do that everyone has/wants a life which involves a lot of driving, and the only difference is whether they’re doing it themselves or not.

Its interesting that so many people have said: oh, don’t get involved with someone like that, you’d have to be driving him about everywhere and doing all the school runs. But not: oh don’t get involved with someone like that, because he will obviously want to live somewhere else walkable or with good public transport and you’d have to move. Because it is just assumed that of course a non-driving man who had never learned must want a woman to do all ‘the driving’ for him.

Not driving being a major factor is just ridiculous to me sorry. You want a relationship so someone can drive to pick you up and collect a take away? This sounds and seems somehow narrow minded.
Neither my DH nor I drive. At this stage of our lives we don't really even want to anymore. Then again we lived together in Tokyo, Hong Kong and Stockholm and travelled the world together. We take public transport, walk or when needed use taxis. We see it as our contribution to the environment at this point. I guess there were some bigger things for me to look out for . Driving was never one of them

Getting the train is absolutely not a big deal for us. It’s efficient and quick and enjoyable. Waiting hours on a road side in the rain for a bus to make some kind of moral point that it’s definitely better than driving because I wouldn’t want lazy children who cant stand to walk anywhere, would I, is kind of cruel really. I could drive them and stay happy.

I’m not making a moral point. I just wanted a life that didn’t involve having to drive, with all the expense and hassle a running a second car would entail. I have one. DH drives to work, because his job isn’t in a location he can feasibly get to by public transport. But he doesn’t use the car to do drop offs or activities. This is in no way child cruelty. 🙄

I think solid relationships should be based on something much deeper. I think the guy had a lucky escape there to be really honest.

My partner doesn't drive. But even if he did the majority of the running around after the kids would still fall to me.

I need my car for work. He doesn't but he also doesn't work locally (they have a works van for the squad) so I pick the kids up after clubs etc as i can do that on my way home from work.

We couldn't afford (and have no need) to run two cars and as I need the car for work that means getting the kids from their clubs is down to me regardless of his driving status.

If he goes into town at the weekend and I don't need to go, he gets the bus. My eldest also gets the bus to training (but it's easier for me to collect him when he's finished due to timings).

The thread is not really about that is it though. OP described that her priorities were to be picked up from her house for a date and to pick up a take away for her. Posters started coming up with scenarios where she would be driving 4 children around with no help from the guy or where she would need an urgent medical help whilst being in a rural area. 🙈

Solid relationships are built on many things. Being able to drive or not can be one of those things, you can rule out relationships with people on whatever you want surely, we're all different?
I mean I'm not a fan of beards...

So you assume if the OP's date turned up in a very old badly maintained car but he did drive it she would have been completely smitten? She clearly didn't like the guy for many other qualities and him not driving wasn't one of them. Of course you can rule out relationship with anyone you want. You can still be called a shallow person for doing so.

The trick is to rule people out but not announce why then you can't be judged for it.

Fair enough but I don't think any decent respectful man would quite frankly settle for what OP got to offer if for her this is a deal breaker. I definitely wouldn't want my sons when they grow up to be judged by such ridiculous things as driving/owning a car by a girl.

Frazzledmummy

'The fact that he stopped driving when they split up suggests that he was only doing it to please her. If someone doesn't want to drive, they shouldn't be told by anyone else they have to, driving isn't for everyone. It doesn't make the pp a terrible person, but she can't tell someone what to do. However, if he stopped out of spite, then of course that is totally different and I take what I said back'

He stopped driving the kids to activities, etc in the same way he didn't attend any parent-teacher meetings; refused to have them stop over; made no effort to do things with them once he no longer lived with them. So, I wouldn't say he stopped out of spite. Just basic selfishness, to be honest.

As for me forcing him in the first instance ... erm, well if my refusal to do all the ferrying about was somehow 'forceful', then fine (though it's a somewhat skewed interpretation). The reality was that he presented as understanding it would be unfair for one parent to do that and happily learnt. He was his own person, with a mind and a voice. Not once did he verbalise he didn't want to learn to drive. How did you think I 'forced' him, out of interest?

I have dated men who wouldn’t drive and TBH it did put me off them. I didn’t want to be doing all the ferrying around and so each man (there were 3) lasted only a few dates each. If I was with someone for a long while and they suddenly became unable to drive then that would be different but for an initial few dates, nope not for me I am afraid.

But presumably beards are "just not for you". You don't say that "bearded men are not real men", "only prostitutes have beards", "you can't be a fully-functioning member of society with a beard", "people with beards just expect others to run around after them" or any of the other offensive things that have been said about non-drivers.

This doesn't really work for me as a comparison tbh because I don't really view the sexes as the same. I like men that are 'manly' in terms of being able to chop wood or do things like DIY. Also driving a car well.

Not that we can't do these things ourselves (I certainly can) but ruggedness is just not something generally seen as being sexy in a woman. Perhaps old fashioned and a bit sexist but nonetheless true.