Teacher shouting at DD for crying

[KKAK]

My DD is 3. She's been going nursery for 5 months. She's generally OK but sometimes gets upset about going in and leaving me. Yesterday was one of those days. She cried ALOT and had to be carried into nursery. After nursery she told me that one of the teachers shouted at her for crying because she wouldn't stop. This upset me. I am all for children being disciplined for misbehaving etc but this didn't sit right with me. AIBU to think this teacher was actually being mean? Should I say something or let it slide?

That is really harsh especially for a 3 year old

Well i wouldn't go in all guns blazing based solely on the word of an upset 3 year old.

But it may be worth asking what happened?

That is horrible. 3 year olds should NEVER be shouted at. A raised voice maybe but not shouted at. That is not going to help her stop crying at all.
I say this as a nursery teacher of 20 years experience.
I would definitely bring this up with the nursery.

And I mean a raised voice, if they're being silly, not behaving etc- not crying!

Yes definitely I would just mention it. My DD is very articulate and verbal for a 3YO but quite shy and reserved. She mentioned the teacher by name and doesn't ever complain about anything regarding nursery so I'm inclined to believe her

Shes telling her truth but I'd still mention it to the nursery, in a what happened kind of way. It may just be a raised voice as they thought they couldn't be heard at the time.

I think you’re unreasonable to come on mumsnet without having had one single conversation with the nursery to discuss what happened.

It's reasonable to ask the nursery what happened, but I wouldn't expect they will say they shouted, you'll just have to take DD at her word. It might be more productive to talk to her and to them about how to help her better with separation anxiety. Is it better if Daddy drops get off? Is it better if she has a 15 minute game / story before you leave the house, to get quality time with you? Is there a staff member she is comfortable to go to for cuddles? Etc.

Erm why? She’s asking whether she should bring it up or not. Why would she speak to them first and then ask on here if she’d be reasonable or not to raise this issue with the nursery?🙄

She might not be intentionally lying, but she may just be telling it from her perception of being a tiny child and having an adult speak to her. My 13yo will kick off saying I've shouted at him if I ask in a normal chatty voice for him to do something quite simple. 13yo and 3yo are not too dissimilar in emotional maturity!

Her OP actually says
Should I say something or let it slide?

My 3yo tells the other parent that 'Mum/Dad shouted at me' when we gently correct her or speak to her seriously about something. She told her childminder that I shouted at her for going outside the other day when I just called to her from the kitchen that it was time to come inside. Luckily her childminder knows me and her and didn't think anything serious of it.

In her 3yo brain she has equated any communication she doesn't like much with being shouted at. So it could be similar. I guess go with your gut on it.

Child: crying

Adult: "Jane why don't you come over to play with the blocks"

Child: stays still, cries louder

Adult: raises voice to be heard "come on Jane, stop those tears and come play with the blocks"

Child: "miss Smith shouted at me!"

Saying 'come on Jane, stop those tears' in a raised voice would be inappropriate and I would define that as shouting at the child

I think I would raise it in terms of asking what happened etc to put my mind at rest.
Ofc 3 yo can stretch the truth and ofc they can tell the truth.
I would ask and see what they say.

Absolutely this! The numbers of times I’ve been accused of shouting through 3 to 14 and all years in between is laughable. I’m just not a shouter, yet they’ll look me right in the face and shout (funnily enough) “don’t shout at me!”

It’s not lying though, it’s perception.

Sometimes, “shout” means abrupt or brusque, before they have those words.

Not, it isn't.

Ho wonder so many kids are such brats. Parents pussy foot around.

If someone is upset you don't tell them to stop crying. Bottle up your emotions, don't let anyone see. It's nasty.

In her 3yo brain she has equated any communication she doesn't like much with being shouted at.

Yep, one of mine has done this right from being able to verbalise until present day as an adult. Any content they don’t like, there is an accusation of shouting even though no raised voice whatsoever. There is also one person in my current workplace who is similar. It may be a combination of feeling ‘unsafe’ with a stranger versus parents cause the misfire in processing? So there may have been shouting or may not have been, wiring in brains is not the most reliable with little people and with some people never!

Approaching Jane and asking her what's wrong in a caring tone, and would she like to talk to Miss Smith about what's upsetting her, might have been a nicer way to approach it. She's 3 years old for goodness sake.

Thing is it could easily have been the raised voice and not nasty "shouting" - but that doesn't mean mean shouty teachers don't exist. They do, I've seen them do it and I'm always shocked at how vile some teachers can be to small kids. (I know many are amazing, kind and never shout (or only when needed and not in a cruel way) - I'm not dissing all teachers.) So I would be checking and asking about it, even just because if the teacher is a bully it lets them know you're aware of it. If they're not, they won't mind.

If my 3 yo was crying and the childminder told her to "stop those tears and come and play" without showing care / concern and asking her what was wrong, I'd be promptly changing childminders. Thankfully DD's childminder is nothing like that!

Yeah, you don't know much about emotions.

If you were treated that way, you will see it as right. Doesn't mean it is right. Or effective.

Well no yelling at a 3yo for crying isn't ok - I don't think anyone would say it is.

But an upset 3yo will translate how adults are speaking to them against their current emotions.

So I agree to speak to nursery and just ask if dd was ok when she was crying and ask what was done to console her and what was said to her.

I always think that way if they did or said anything wrong you'll know by there reaction. When you ask people to put things in their own words it's easier to get an explanation than when you say what you think happened and they can just say "no, that isn't true".

'Stop those tears'. 🤔