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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Teacher shouting at DD for crying

94 replies

KKAK · 09/06/2022 07:14

My DD is 3. She's been going nursery for 5 months. She's generally OK but sometimes gets upset about going in and leaving me. Yesterday was one of those days. She cried ALOT and had to be carried into nursery. After nursery she told me that one of the teachers shouted at her for crying because she wouldn't stop. This upset me. I am all for children being disciplined for misbehaving etc but this didn't sit right with me. AIBU to think this teacher was actually being mean? Should I say something or let it slide?

OP posts:
Crystalvas · 09/06/2022 18:40

Mally100 · 09/06/2022 13:53

I have volunteered a good few times at my ds school and the version that I have witnessed relayed to parents vs what actually happened are completely different. I would definitely take this one with a massive pinch of salt. You could gently bring it up with the teacher but I wouldn't, I would just wait to see if this happens again.

Not necessarily, Id ask the teachers about it, however I am aware that a 3 years olds version might be different from a teschers however 3 year olds are good at telling whats what. As the child protests going into nursery each day Id question weather this is pure separation anxiety or its a case if a teacher being innapropriate towards the child. My DC’s never protested going to nursery acually they could’t wait to go there.

Marotte · 09/06/2022 23:11

I had a crier through part of nursery and starting school. It eventually righted itself with as little explanation as whatever set off the behaviour in the first place which we could never fathom and neither could any of the staff. What worked was a no nonsense approach to distracting and/or ignoring the behaviour so that the whole morning wasn't taken up with continued crying as it usually lasted only 5 to ten minutes otherwise. Shouting or making a fuss will make it worse and traumatise the child.

Ownedbymycats · 10/06/2022 00:57

It's your child's perception and I think I'd query it from that perspective.They're fully entitled to feel hurt by whatever was said and I don't think anything should be done to negate that.The teacher may want to put forward her perspective on it.
My daughter is now 23 and was a remarkably mature child. We met one of her P2 teachers recently and DD remarked on how she was the most horrible person/ terrible teacher etc. She had an absolute arsenal of evidence for this, most of which I'd never heard before.She'd been pushed to the ground in the cloakroom, stood upon by another child and had cried.Teacher said if you weren't lying on the floor you wouldn't have got stood on , keep quiet.I wouldn't underestimate your child's recollections, stay calm and ask the teacher about it.

fUNNYfACE36 · 10/06/2022 04:42

Thejoyfulstar · 09/06/2022 10:26

Also, in the school I teach in, shouting at children is considered a safeguarding issue and is to be reported. Tone and volume are very different and have very different effects.

What? Priceless! What chinless wonder dreamed that up? You understand there are thousands of children out there, being deliberately burned, having bones broken and you want to waste child protection teams time with a parent raising their voice to a naughty child.

You would have a field day with me
If it were my tantrumming for no reason 3 year old, I would be asking her if she was going to walk into nursery like a big girl,or if she wanted a smacked bottom first

Hollipolly · 10/06/2022 04:50

ChatterMonkey · 09/06/2022 07:16

Well i wouldn't go in all guns blazing based solely on the word of an upset 3 year old.

But it may be worth asking what happened?

This

Hollipolly · 10/06/2022 04:52

@fUNNYfACE36 love your post!

Hollipolly · 10/06/2022 05:04

GiltEdges · 09/06/2022 09:57

I honestly find it so sad that a lot of these responses start from the point of not believing the child. Yes, children can often interpret things differently to adults, that doesn't mean they're not to be believed.

Shouting, or "raised voices" are not appropriate in a nursery setting (in the absence of calling attention to immediate danger) full stop. I once overheard an instance of shouting at my own DC's nursery and raised it with the manager. She agreed with me that it isn't a form of behaviour control that they accept and the teacher in question was spoken to.

OP, I think you should absolutely raise it with them. You don't have to go in all guns blazing, but you're the only advocate your child has and the teacher needs to know as a minimum that you're aware.

I think you have missed the main point here. Its the teachers word against ops DD. OP has not even spoken to the teacher number one and secondly realistically what exactly will it achieve? Do you expect the teacher to say she did shout at DD?

As a parent you have to let things slide because you would be constantly querying things and although you can't assume DD is lying she is 3 so unfortunately it's not the most reliable judgment.

Posters are right this is linked to lack of displine why is OPS DD alarming at 3?? If she can express herself
So clearly to her mum....

kateandme · 10/06/2022 05:28

KKAK · 09/06/2022 13:05

Thank you I appreciate your advice and I agree I need to keep in mind her perception and will gently bring it up with nursery.

She's generally well behaved, never complains. She does suffer from separation anxiety. She was speaking very fondly of one member of staff but upset about the one who "shouted". It was very out of character of her.

I agree that being told to stop crying, whether that's shouting or firmly isn't helpful to a 3 year old.

To a few of those talking about children being BRATS, I hardly think being concerned about this situation is raising a brat.

Also no matter how hard your d's was crying or what other she might have been doing if true there should be very rare circumstances for nursery staff to be shouting and deff not being mean ever to the kids.this is just wrong practice.

justfiveminutes · 10/06/2022 05:35

The teacher may have been mean and shouty to an upset child in her care - I suppose that must happen sometimes.

But I think it's more likely that your child interpreted a raised voice (to be heard), or an exasperated tone (after half an hour), or just someone who didn't have the time to be quite as patient as her own mum at home might be.

As a teacher, I know exactly how I should respond to an upset child. Of course I don't want to make a situation worse. But the adults in the classroom are greatly outnumbered and it is very difficult if you are being pulled in many directions at once. Sometimes you just have to make a judgment call on which child needs you most at that time.

Oblomov22 · 10/06/2022 06:17

Why don't you just stop. And think. Do you honestly believe the teacher shouted at her. Do you think the teacher is nasty. If so you'd remove your dd from this nursery. Most likely no. Maybe she was a bit brusque or firm. Maybe you should be dealing with the core issue, your dd's separation anxiety, chronic anxiety and crying.

Simplelobsterhat · 10/06/2022 06:57

It's difficult because you weren't there so will probably never know for sure, and it's worth a conversation with school, but i would agree with the people who say that children (and indeed adults) often interpret any communication they don't like as shouting (you only have to look at how often OPs on here describe someone as screaming at them), and indeed that teachers sometimes need to raise their voices because classrooms of 3 year olds are loud places! Your child might not even have been the only one crying, and it sounds like it may have gone on for some time.

Also, I think some of the posters are imagining some quite weeping in the corner, which maybe it was, but equally with my son I know that he has different cries, some obviously very genuinely distressed,but others that are more angry tantrums at being told to do something he doesn't want to do. These ones are usually very loud wailing, and if he was doing that in school I'd have no problem with him being told to try and stop itp as it would be disruptive and possibly upsetting to the other children and he needs to learn other ways of dealing with not getting his own way.

Of course it's wrong if she was aggressively yelled at, but a slightly stern tone or raised voice is sometimes appropriate. And actually when there is a class full of 3 year olds unfortunately every child can't be dealt with in the ideal way at every moment.

I always find it interesting that the same posters who are horrified by ever trying to get a child to regulate their emotions also seem to expect teachers and parents to manage to speak calmly and kindly at all times and never sound exasperated or a bit snappy because they are being pulled in lots of different directions at once. Yes obviously they are adults and should be much better at controlling it, but they are also not robots and I'm not sure this idea of occasional shouting being akin to abuse is all that healthy for anyone either.

RockinHorseShit · 10/06/2022 07:26

Ask what happened. A 3 yo can lie to get what they want, so it might be nothing like it seems

fUNNYfACE36 · 10/06/2022 11:39

Dd youeer find out WHY she was crying so much when she is often fine?

RosesAndHellebores · 04/12/2022 12:25

If your child is distressed every day going in, it may be the wrong nursery for your child.

When DS was 3 he started crying before nursery which he'd liked for the first few weeks. Years later he articulated that another child was kicking him. I didn't much care for the nursery leader. I should have moved him.

Similarly dd did not like the rambunctious playgroup ds loved. Moved her to a different one and never another tear.

Bewitched005 · 04/12/2022 12:46

Our nursery worker shouted at my DS for crying when he was about 3 and called him “annoying” and “useless”- we’re still picking up the pieces and he’s now 9. He started therapy last week due to low self esteem and he mentioned his experience at nursery

So, 6 years to get over being shouted at? As someone else said, he wouldn't even remember if he was 3 at the time.

healthadvice123 · 04/12/2022 12:49

Gosh children can't have a voice raised to them nowadays

RosesAndHellebores · 04/12/2022 12:52

@Bewitched005 my dc remember lots of things from when they were three. DD, when in therapy, recalled her yr1 teacher saying "well you aren't in your brother's league". Both dc went to Oxbridge.

BeanieTeen · 04/12/2022 12:53

It always baffles me when people instantly take their children’s word for it when kids say someone ‘shouted’ at them. ‘Shouted’ = told me off/ said something I didn’t want to hear.

donttellmehesalive · 04/12/2022 19:44

Agree children's perception can be skewed. Saying 'not now' to a child is interpreted as a telling off. Being momentarily alone at playtime becomes 'noone will play with me.' Just think of all the times they tell us about things that happened at home and you laugh and say that they haven't remembered/understood/explained properly. Why not just trust the school you have chosen. If they did indeed tell your child off, maybe your child needed a firmer word. Honestly, 95% of parents who 'want a word' with me end up apologising or looking sheepish.

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