Teacher shouting at DD for crying

[KKAK]

My DD is 3. She's been going nursery for 5 months. She's generally OK but sometimes gets upset about going in and leaving me. Yesterday was one of those days. She cried ALOT and had to be carried into nursery. After nursery she told me that one of the teachers shouted at her for crying because she wouldn't stop. This upset me. I am all for children being disciplined for misbehaving etc but this didn't sit right with me. AIBU to think this teacher was actually being mean? Should I say something or let it slide?

It's highly unlikely that anyone shouted at your DD

DD is likely being dramatic as you're giving her so much attention to it

Tread very carefully

DC at that age are realising their power and place in the world and with that cone lying, crying and full in manipulative behaviour

My 13yo will kick off saying I've shouted at him if I ask in a normal chatty voice for him to do something quite simple. 13yo and 3yo are not too dissimilar in emotional maturity

My ex used to tell me I was ''shouting'' at him if I called him out on something even if I was using it in my normal voice. My mum will do this too if I rebuke her or call her out on something and I've herard colleagues saying this about mgmy when the mgmt were just giving an instruction or telling them off in a normal voice.

It's a typical strategy used by people in the wrong to make the other person correcting them seem unhinged. Teens do it all the time too both in primary and secondary, I know through working there and have being witness to kids complain colleague shouted at them when they did not.

She told her childminder that I shouted at her for going outside the other day when I just called to her from the kitchen that it was time to come inside. Luckily her childminder knows me and her and didn't think anything serious of it

even if you did shout is it why is it 'serious'? An occasional shout at a child is hardly a big deal that will scar them for life. We are all human and kids,like adults, need to know their place sometimes. That's life.

The attitudes to parenting on mn can be very detached from reality.

Aww poor poppet, that makes my heart hurt for her.

I think I would manage it this way with my 3YO DD:-

Firstly I would trust what she said - even if they didn't yell, they have clearly managed this in a way that has upset your little one at a time when she really needed support. Telling a 3yo to stop crying is not appropriate in my eyes.

I would bring it up with the nursery and explain what DC said and give them a chance to explain. I would also take the opportunity to remind them that I want my little ones feelings to be acknowledged and validated. I would offer suggestions about what works at home.

I would speak to DD about her feelings in the situation and ask her what she could say if something makes her feel sad in the future. I would thank her for telling me and would ask her how mummy can help too.

I think it's amazing that your little one has come to you with something like this. And by trusting her and managing the situation it will mean she will likely keep coming to you and communicating with you.

Hope it all gets sorted, this would upset me if it happened to my DD too. 💕

It’s perception a lot of the time.
My sensitive DD (now 17) still claims I’m shouting at her if I speak to her in anything other than a very soft voice
On the other hand I could yell at DS and he wouldn’t bat an eyelid
Its fine to speak to nursery and find out what happened but phrase it that your DD said she had been “shouted at” and you are wondering what happened

*Not, it isn't.

Ho wonder so many kids are such brats. Parents pussy foot around*

agreed,we see so many mn threads saying their kids don't respect them or refuse instructions and this is why. Because parents are too soft and effectively their status as the boss becomes undermined. Kids are not glass.

I think it's amazing that your little one has come to you with something like this. And by trusting her and managing the situation it will mean she will likely keep coming to you and communicating with you

not really it can be manipulation alot of the time when kid runs to a parent.

Just how exactly is OP been unreasonable to come on mumsnet?

It is usually shouty parents who have shouty kids.

Respect breeds respect, disrespect breeds disrespect.

Our nursery worker shouted at my DS for crying when he was about 3 and called him “annoying” and “useless”- we’re still picking up the pieces and he’s now 9. He started therapy last week due to low self esteem and he mentioned his experience at nursery.

the nursery worker in question was sacked (she was only there for 3 days!)

it’s so sad & breaks my heart 😔

In my years as an HR manager I've often spoken to staff about an issue, sometimes just asking if they witnessed something, and then heard I'd "given them a bollocking." This from mature adults so little wonder if a 3 year old who is already upset feels a teacher is shouting at them.

It is usually shouty parents who have shouty kids

And it's usually the kids who pussy foot around their kids who have brats.

Respect breeds respect, disrespect breeds disrespect

yea that's what kids and people who don't get their own way say.

There is a shocking lack of training in basic child psychology amongst teaching staff/nursery teachers. My 10yr old was told quite firmly (in front of me) when she was getting tearful as I was getting ready to leave her (age 5 & in her first term of school) to "stop crying, you know we only cry if we're hurt!". I was appalled. Thankfully this TA in the 3rd term.

There is a shocking lack of training in basic child psychology amongst teaching staff/nursery teachers.

And also amongst some posters on this thread, it seems ...

Our nursery worker shouted at my DS for crying when he was about 3 and called him “annoying” and “useless”- we’re still picking up the pieces and he’s now 9. He started therapy last week due to low self esteem and he mentioned his experience at nursery

it's unlikely he remembers what happened at 3, it's more likely he talks about it because he heard you and your dh talk about it.

I wouldn't know as I have lovely kids who have never had anything but good comments from school.

You have more experience with unpleasant kids in your family perhaps.

I have never met a brat. I was a teacher.

I have never met a brat. I was a teacher

Where did you teach? The school of saints and saints.

I've worked in schools and nurseries, my experience is it's very likely this happened. Go in, not guns blazing but it won't it hurt to let them know that although she's only 3 she's capable of telling her mum how she felt which is no bad thing.

I still remember my playgroup teacher yelling at me and I'm over 50!

I think I'd mention it, but in a way that suggests you know she was crying, so you understand she might have been extra-sensitive to the way the teacher handled it. Maybe the teacher was trying to be positive and was loud and boisterous to try to jolly her out of it? It's not a bad thing to tell them that didn't work with her and she needed more gentle coaxing. Also, it's the hardest thing in the world, but my mam (20 years nursery nurse), used to say, you can help by being tough on yourself and just saying a quick goodbye with a big hug, then leaving her with the teacher and walking away. She will get over it before you do, honestly!

Somewhere with a wide range of kids, all different.

Your use of the word 'brat' says a lot about you and nothing about the kids you are referring to.

Your use of the word 'brat' says a lot about you and nothing about the kids you are referring to

ofcourse now tell us how kids aren't responsible for their behaviour and how by showing some compassion they can be reformed. Please do tell us.

Would be sad if I could think of no better way to spend my day than trying to convince the closed-minded!

Yeah a lot of children have to resort to manipulation when they aren't shown what trust and respect looks like.

Look up the research around Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy with troubled children, specifically the 'PACE' approach, which has empathy at its centre.

ddpnetwork.org/about-ddp/

FYI - I've seen this approach be extremely effective in clinical practice with children who struggle with behavioural difficulties and emotional regulation.

@SurfBox

That was in response to your comment about showing compassion and behavioural reform.