Teacher shouting at DD for crying

[KKAK]

My DD is 3. She's been going nursery for 5 months. She's generally OK but sometimes gets upset about going in and leaving me. Yesterday was one of those days. She cried ALOT and had to be carried into nursery. After nursery she told me that one of the teachers shouted at her for crying because she wouldn't stop. This upset me. I am all for children being disciplined for misbehaving etc but this didn't sit right with me. AIBU to think this teacher was actually being mean? Should I say something or let it slide?

I honestly find it so sad that a lot of these responses start from the point of not believing the child. Yes, children can often interpret things differently to adults, that doesn't mean they're not to be believed.

Shouting, or "raised voices" are not appropriate in a nursery setting (in the absence of calling attention to immediate danger) full stop. I once overheard an instance of shouting at my own DC's nursery and raised it with the manager. She agreed with me that it isn't a form of behaviour control that they accept and the teacher in question was spoken to.

OP, I think you should absolutely raise it with them. You don't have to go in all guns blazing, but you're the only advocate your child has and the teacher needs to know as a minimum that you're aware.

Your poor little one.
Bring it up, but not in an accusatory way. Is your child setting in?

Only recently, I started working in a childcare centre as a change of career as have a toddler and wanted a job that could revolve around her. I lasted a day. The way the workers spoke to the children and babies was disgusting. I couldn’t have my daughter enrolled there a second longer so I took her and left. What the parents saw and what actually happens when the parents leave couldn’t be any more opposite. (I don’t want to scare anyone, this centre is not in the UK so your little ones are safe).

My older children were in a gorgeous nursery (15 years ago now) and I knew they were very well cared for and never shouted at. I was really looking forward to sending my daughter to the childcare centre and working there, thinking it’d be similar to the environment our older children attended, but it’s opened my eyes and shocked me quite frankly. Now I’m really reluctant to use childcare again. My little girl was actually in the best room within the centre and the people in the actual room she was in were really lovely, but she was deeply distressed from her one day experience after a run in with an older boy who kept hurting her unnoticed by staff (I don’t blame them, I know they can’t be everywhere and see everything).

Great advice!!

I used to teach in a school for children who had been excluded from mainstream provision due to their behaviour. If you shouted at one of those kids, be prepared to have a chair thrown at you. And yet somehow, due to the highly skilled team, we managed to get some of the most violent, aggressive and damaged kids back into mainstream school or into appropriate alternative settings without ever raising our voices.

I now teach in a mainstream school and behaviour management is one of my really strong points. I never raise my voice but always seem to manage to get some of most unruly classes into shape. The feedback that I get about my own kids is similar. Every teacher they have ever had loves them. Being kind doesn't mean being a walkover, and having a calm, quiet voice doesn't mean that you have no authority.

It bugs me when people think that crying is bad behaviour and that shouting is good behaviour management.

Also, in the school I teach in, shouting at children is considered a safeguarding issue and is to be reported. Tone and volume are very different and have very different effects.

One of my DDs interpretation of 'shouting' was a very slightly raised voice, until she was about 10.

@SurfBox of course, darling 🥴

Hmm.if she's been going in for 5 months.and refused to walk in to the extent she had to be carried, I think attention seeking /manipulation is at play ,and yes she deserved it

Don't be so ridiculous! That is the sort of thing this site is for. Somebody wants advice. People will give it.

OP, as you have said, just mention that she came home from nursery upset and enquire about what happened from their point of view. See if it checks out before deciding what to do. It is possible that she was shouted at and if so then that is unacceptable, but it is also possible that there was a lot going on at the time and she interpreted a slightly raised voice as being shouted at.

Find out tactfully how the person concerned saw it. It may be something or not. If it is something then your enquiry will be a warning shot across their bows. Get their explanation first.

Go with your gut instinct - you know your child better than anyone. Speak to the nursery, get their side of it, and take it from there. @GoodnightRain has some good suggestions, although I would probably be a bit stronger with the nursery and remind them that no child should be left with the impression they'd been shouted at to the extent they were crying going into the nursery. I'm sure they wouldn't want that either.

My DD had a similar experience when she was little, almost 20 years ago. I have to confess at the time I thought she had probably been exaggerating a little bit, but I know now that she wasn't. I wish I'd been more of an advocate for her, it breaks my heart to think of her being shouted at and told to stop crying.

Sorry do you have children? Have you never had to raise your voice because otherwise it won't be heard???!!!! Yeah, right. I can well imagine a 3 year old having a big old tantrum and crying /yelling noisily and a nursery nurse having to say quite loudly 'come on X let's go and hang up your coat sweetie, come with me' in a bid to try and distract them and bring them out of it. It's getting a bit ridiculous this idea that we mustn't ever speak to children in anything other than soft tones, it's no wonder some children are reaching secondary school with poor coping skills.

This is a more likely scenario...
But sorry for your 3yr old. It's painful when they're upset.
You could ask the staff to clarify what happened rather than accuse.

Yep this is pretty common, loads of primary aged kids will say you are shouting if you just use a vaguely firm voice and give them an instruction they didn't want to do 😂😂😂

Yeah i would really believe my dramatic 3yo 😂

Thank you I appreciate your advice and I agree I need to keep in mind her perception and will gently bring it up with nursery.

She's generally well behaved, never complains. She does suffer from separation anxiety. She was speaking very fondly of one member of staff but upset about the one who "shouted". It was very out of character of her.

I agree that being told to stop crying, whether that's shouting or firmly isn't helpful to a 3 year old.

To a few of those talking about children being BRATS, I hardly think being concerned about this situation is raising a brat.

OP, my 3 year old started preschool last September and we had this issue. Speaking kindly about one assistant and telling me she didn´t want to see the other one because she was bad. (They are mother and daughter, funnily enough). So i spoke to the bad one and got the whole story out. Basically the bad one was the one who told her to do what she didnt want to do, and that to my little one is the worst sin. She is quite wilful. When i tell her she has to take a shower or brush her teeth I am also bad and she doesnt want to be with me any more blah blah blah. We had to give her time and be patient (when she screamed like a banshee at drop of because bad one was at early risers), fine with her teacher and with the other TA. It is june now, and my daughter loves bad one plaiting her hair and showing her her new teddy. They are good friends now. So take everything with a pinch of salt. Investigate a little, but dont take everything literally.

I work in a nursery and would be alarmed by this and ask them what happened to make your dd upset by what was said or how it was said.

I have volunteered a good few times at my ds school and the version that I have witnessed relayed to parents vs what actually happened are completely different. I would definitely take this one with a massive pinch of salt. You could gently bring it up with the teacher but I wouldn't, I would just wait to see if this happens again.

Your example of come on X let's go and hang up your coat sweetie, come with me is nothing like the original under discussion of come on Jane, stop those tears

Reading comprehension perhaps an issue for you @Lightsoutlondon !

It is not about the 'soft tone' but all about the phrase stop those tears.

I'm an early years teacher. I worked with a teacher a few years ago who bellowed angrily at children for crying, if she didn't feel the tears were justified. Equally I've seen many many instances of children making outlandish claims that aren't true. None of us can say for certain which this is, but I would caution those posters who insist that the child is lying/mistaken - not always. There are bullies in teaching, as there are everywhere else.

Yeah loads of people have said the same but just to reiterate my 4 year old often thinks/says people are shouting when they just say something he doesn't like or doesn't want to hear.

Yep this is pretty common, loads of primary aged kids will say you are shouting if you just use a vaguely firm voice and give them an instruction they didn't want to do

secondary school kids and adults do the same

That teacher is NASTY.

They might have letters after their names but they lack emotional intelligence as well as compassion.

Exactly. I mentioned upthread about my DD telling me that one of her nursery teachers shouted at her to stop crying. She’s 23 now and she remembers it very well. Don’t be too dismissive - some teachers do shout, as we all know.

Thank you for this balanced post - this is how I feel - it could be either.