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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it OK that my wife never takes our son outside?

85 replies

DadIsConfused · 07/06/2022 16:42

looking for some advice. My wife and I have a 4 year old, and he, like all 4 year olds is full of energy and enthusiasm for life. i work full time from home and also have a second job. She works one shift a week.

Over the past 6 months I’ve noticed that she never leaves the house with our son unless it’s to meet a friend at the pub. Other than that she sits in front of the TV all day while he either watches it too or draws or plays with his toys. But the tv is always on. She sits there scrolling through IG watching shows I’d generally consider not ideal for a four year old….think Real Housewife’s of Wherever, SATC etc. I know our son is not being neglected, but is this normal behaviour to do 4 days a week?

my wife gets up around 9am (when I go to work) after I’ve fed our son and she always does her own thing from 3pm onwards each day. She doesn’t cook or him or me and all washing and bedtime duties are my responsibility.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to take my son to the park/playground (even in our own back garden) at least once every couple of days? While I do enjoy doing these things with him myself I feel like she could be doing more with him during the day.

im worries that once he starts kindergarten/school she’s going to miss out on this time and regret not being more active with him.

Am I being unfair to expect these things?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 07/06/2022 16:44

Reverse.

Lovetogarden2022 · 07/06/2022 16:46

I don't mean to over react or whatever, but is there a chance that she's depressed? Even slightly? It sounds to me quite odd that she doesn't have the enthusiasm to do things with your (presumably energetic!) son?
Alternatively, has she considered joining groups for fellow mums/parents? It could encourage her to go out and meet them during the day, at the park or a play group?

ImTheToothFairy · 07/06/2022 16:47

Is your wife depressed?

Original poster
DadIsConfused · 07/06/2022 16:51

I have tried to have that type of discussion with her but didn’t lead to anything constructive. The mothers groups idea was not received well either, that suggestion came from her mum.

OP posts:
DogsAndGin · 07/06/2022 16:51

Sounds like she is suffering from depression

DogsAndGin · 07/06/2022 16:52

DadIsConfused · 07/06/2022 16:51

I have tried to have that type of discussion with her but didn’t lead to anything constructive. The mothers groups idea was not received well either, that suggestion came from her mum.

Could you speak to the doctor for advice

SaintJavelin · 07/06/2022 16:53

It could be depression or she could just be a lazy cow

IWishIWasABaller · 07/06/2022 16:53

She sounds like a lazy mare in my opinion and no it's not healthy for your child to be indoors all the time. A child that age should be getting plenty of fresh air and socializing . Time for a serious chat with your partner I think

Original poster
DadIsConfused · 07/06/2022 16:54

It’s a very real possibility. I guess looking at some other aspects of her life there does seem to be some unhealthy escapism as well.

OP posts:
Afterfire · 07/06/2022 16:54

Well it’s not great. Can you enrol him in nursery now? Got to be better - for both of them.

catandcoffee · 07/06/2022 16:55

If you hadn't mentioned Garden I would've thought you were my neighbour.

Has she always been like this or is it recent.

Does your child misbehave when out with her or you.

Moosake · 07/06/2022 16:55

She may be depressed. Possibly still feeling the effects of lockdown if you are in the UK. Could you suggest she picks up more shifts and your child go to preschool?

Dixiechickonhols · 07/06/2022 16:56

Sounds depressed. Assume by use of kindergarten you are not in uk. In England from age 3 he’d be entitled to a part time nursery place and from 4 full time reception school. Is there anything like that for you. No it’s not usual to keep a 4 year old at home all the time.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/06/2022 16:58

People are quick to say depressed because it's a woman. If a wife posted about her husband plonking the kids in front of the TV all day he'd be called a lazy arse.

5128gap · 07/06/2022 16:58

Well it goes without saying your wife is neither doing right by your son or pulling her weight in the household. At the very least she could meet her friend in the park rather than the pub so your son could play.
Is this new behaviour over the last 6 months?

orwellwasright · 07/06/2022 16:59

I've read this before...

Xmasbaby11 · 07/06/2022 16:59

How has it got to this if the child is already 4? Has she never taken him out?
When will he start pre school? I assume you're not in the UK.

I think it's neglectful and incredibly lazy parenting. I can't comment on depression though of course it's possible.

drpet49 · 07/06/2022 17:00

People are quick to say depressed because it's a woman. If a wife posted about her husband plonking the kids in front of the TV all day he'd be called a lazy arse.

^This

NursieBernard · 07/06/2022 17:01

I think its probably best to focus on what your son needs and provide that, can you enrol him into nursery etc.

Moosake · 07/06/2022 17:01

drpet49 · 07/06/2022 17:00

People are quick to say depressed because it's a woman. If a wife posted about her husband plonking the kids in front of the TV all day he'd be called a lazy arse.

^This

No I'd still say depressed as its how I know my husband is depressed.

Silverswirl · 07/06/2022 17:01

Your poor son and poor you!
So let me get this straight. Your wife sits on her bum all day watching tv and phone whilst 4 year old rolls around looking for things to do, doesn’t cook or help in the home and you take over at before nine and after 3? What exactly is she for then? What’s her purpose?
Actually in my opinion this is a form of neglect. Being occupied with tv and Instagram all day and not interacting much with him/ taking him anywhere means she is emotionally unavailable.
He will be learning that really, she is not interested in him much. This will definitely have a negative impact and shape who he is for the rest of his life.
She either has mental health issues or if not is just an extremely lazy crappy person.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 07/06/2022 17:01

Does she have a health need of some sort. It doesn’t sound usual to sit watch TV for such long periods, might she be struggling with depression or something similar?

i think there’s probably a few separate issues…

  1. the balance of work ( employed/house chores etc) falling to one person is unfair, unless it’s been agreed between 2 people for individual reasons.

  2. what is her perspective on the situation. It’s likely to be different to yours.

  3. clearly stimulation and interaction are important for young children. Time in front of TV or entertaining himself occasionally is unlikely to hurt him, but long periods being ignored obviously aren’t ideal. Why has this happened only in last 6 months. What was it like before? What changed?

ponkydonkey · 07/06/2022 17:02

Sounds like most husbands tbf!
Hire a nanny if your worried, or send him to nursery you could drop him off at 8.30am and pick him up at 3?

mathanxiety · 07/06/2022 17:02

Sounds like depression.

Her mum might be able to join forces with you to get her to see a doctor. She needs help.

Do you live far from extended family? Does your wife have local friends?

chunkymandarincoulis · 07/06/2022 17:21

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/06/2022 16:58

People are quick to say depressed because it's a woman. If a wife posted about her husband plonking the kids in front of the TV all day he'd be called a lazy arse.

Well... that's because it's not unusual for men to behave like lazy arses around the home, but it is fairly unusual for women at home with their dc to be like that unless they are suffering from depression or other mental health problems.

And of course it is possible to be both a lazy arse and depressed at the same time...