Is it OK that my wife never takes our son outside?

[DadIsConfused]

looking for some advice. My wife and I have a 4 year old, and he, like all 4 year olds is full of energy and enthusiasm for life. i work full time from home and also have a second job. She works one shift a week.

Over the past 6 months I’ve noticed that she never leaves the house with our son unless it’s to meet a friend at the pub. Other than that she sits in front of the TV all day while he either watches it too or draws or plays with his toys. But the tv is always on. She sits there scrolling through IG watching shows I’d generally consider not ideal for a four year old….think Real Housewife’s of Wherever, SATC etc. I know our son is not being neglected, but is this normal behaviour to do 4 days a week?

my wife gets up around 9am (when I go to work) after I’ve fed our son and she always does her own thing from 3pm onwards each day. She doesn’t cook or him or me and all washing and bedtime duties are my responsibility.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to take my son to the park/playground (even in our own back garden) at least once every couple of days? While I do enjoy doing these things with him myself I feel like she could be doing more with him during the day.

im worries that once he starts kindergarten/school she’s going to miss out on this time and regret not being more active with him.

Am I being unfair to expect these things?

I think the MRAs have been on the red bull again

Yanbu, children need fresh air.

Depressed.
Or lazy.
Or totally unable to parent and prefers to screen scroll.
Doesn't want to be a mum or not sure what is expected and following her parents way of parenting.
A multitude of reasons but needs a sit down chat.

Your poor son.

On top of all the other comments, watching sex and the city with a four year old around is really not appropriate at all

If a woman posted that she was working two jobs and doing most of the housework while her DH worked one shift a week then he'd have been declared a cocklodger in the first reply.

well it seems she is happy to bounce out of the house to see mates for lunch or at the pub...folks i know that are depressed shut themselves off and dont see anyone. She is a lazy SAHM. I would put your DC into a nursery and tell her to get a job as she is a fannylodger....Does she even manage to feed the DC?

Yea that's not right. It sounds like she doesn't like him very much, poor kid. Tv is ok sometimes but not to be used as a babysitter. It's not fair on you either,

Sounds like me when I had PND but your wife uses a lot more tv, I still interacted with DD a lot though but I just didn’t feel like going out. But I pulled myself together after covid restrictions lifted (she was a few month old when they began). Ultimately most of us who start like this experience intense paternal guilt look at our kids and realise a few things a) it’s neglectful b) your child is suffering c) kids are much easier to cope with outside.

Either she’s depressed or she’s a bad parent. I get it I don’t overly enjoy parenting but you owe it to your kids to at least try and I don’t think she is. If she won’t step up suggest she works more and put the little one into as many nursery/clubs as possible so he is at least getting some stimulation and enjoyment out of his day.

Are you in a England? Why isn’t your child getting 15 hours of childcare a week?
It would really help with their transition to school/kindergarten.

I’d also be worried about the child’s vitamin D levels. Are you giving him a supplement? What does your wife say when challenged?

So we can excuse it because it's a woman?

Dads do behave like this more, but some women are also lazy parents too. Less than men, but they do exist.

What happens between 9 and 3? That's when you're away from her? How do you know what she's doing? You say you've noticed it for 6 months, was she not doing this before or you hadn't noticed for 3.5 years? Anything happened 6 months ago?

She's being lazy. You need to enrol your son into nursery. No it's not normal or adequate parenting.

OMG this is terrible. She is either depressed or just plain selfish and lazy. It is so important for children to be outside and get exercise. What does she feed him if she does not cook? Most moms I know take their children outside to the park daily or at least walk to the shops etc. I take my kids to the park at least an hour a day or more. When my older two were little I would be in the park with them 2-3 hours a day even during winter. But now that I have 3 kids and the older two do not always want to be in the park....we are not there for hours on end. But def the younger one goes at least 1-2 hours a day. I would feel so guilty watching tv all day. Sometimes when I am tired, I let our youngest watch a movie in the afternoon because she no longer naps and has not started school. I would have a conversation with your wife to see if she is depressed and get her the help she needs. Otherwise, she needs to step it up and do the basics.....

Yeah no this is not ok. How is she even managing to do this? I have a nearly 3 year old who would destroy the house if I wasn’t constantly occupying him. Independent play IS important but he needs her interaction too.

Come onnnnn.

@DadIsConfused are you able to respond to what the majority response has been here? It's pretty clear that the vast majority view this as unacceptable.

There have, haven't there? Thank goodness the double standards police are monitoring them closely poised to type 'it would be different if a woman was posting' on repeat.

Kindergarten? Is he going to a Waldorf school or are you international? For UK mainstream he'll be starting full time school in September? Is there a school nursery you can start him at for this last little bit of the school year? Or the kindi will probably take him now. He certainly needs more stimulation.

Agree with above comments, she sounds depressed. I'd talk to GP and/ or Health Visitor.

You say he isn't being neglected, you're wrong.

"Doesn't she ever meet other mums on the park/in a cafe/at a play group?"

I think the above is a reflection of 'normal' but it's been a very not normal couple of years and this may have increased the isolation your wife is feeling.

I think it sounds like she isn't enjoying her time caring for your child. Depression could be one of the reasons why, but it isn't the only one. I think that you need to talk to her not us, to some extent, but no it certainly isn't ideal.

Some of it depends where you live and how much you have within walking distance and how much disposable income you have.

Maybe help her find toddler groups, what parks or playgrounds are there near you.

OP not been back then?

Appreciate the feedback and information from you all. To be honest it’s confronting to hear, but has confirmed what I guess I knew deep down but was maybe unable to admit to myself.

To answer a few questions that have been add as Jed:

1. We’re in Melbourne, Australia.


2. he’s enrolled to start Kindergarten in July.


3. as a joint decision we agreed childcare wasn’t what we wanted for him if we were available as we thought spending time with him ourselves was better for him (yes ironic I know)


4. ive attempted to get her to attend couples counseling for last 9 months, with no luck


5. nothing specific happened 6 months ago (that I know if at least)


6. yes I have thought about if roles were reversed here what peoples reactions would be (swift kick up the arse for one…)

As I said I appreciate all the feedback/input and the the time people spent to respond. It’s tough to hear but I think I kind of know what’s needed now.

I’ll ensure I lean on docs, family, support services etc.

Thank you all.

Response added. Thanks.

If you booked your son into a regular activity class on your wife's days with him would she take him to it?

Do you go on outings together on days you are both off?

No she doesn’t go on joint outings. We always ask her but she chooses not to come along. This does not stop us from going places and doing things. But does make it tough to process.

she doesn’t seem to have any issues leaving the house to go clothes shopping for the day on her own or catching up for lunches etc with her friends…