To be sick of sister and BIL dictating everything on holiday?

[Imontopoftheworld]

Every single family holiday.

My BIL will turn his music on and god forbid anyone else can play theirs. So this weekend I was stuck listening to loud opera.

They decide what we eat and cook it. Im happy to cook but it’s not even an option. I was going to make a side dish to their dinner and it got questioned half to death by my sister I couldn’t be bothered

They and our parents sort all the meals and good out beforehand - I try and get involved but they do it when I’m not there. I contribute money to the food but apparently I’m not even trusted to buy any type of food.

I’m just sick of it. Because I’m not married or have children then they treat me like a baby and sit there and moan loudly about laziness being a horrible trait.

Don’t tell us - tell THEM!
tell them exactly what you said here / I’ll bet they don’t even realise.

I love opera, but I don't inflict it on family and friends, as it is an acquired taste most people haven't acquired. Likewise, I don't choose their food for them. I don't expect them to inflict their musical choices or food choices on me, either, though. I think it's time to make clear that the price of your presence is that you get some respect. If the problem is that others are paying, they will expect to call the tune (literally it seems in this case) so I'd either pay my way and insist on making my own choices, or pay my way on a different holiday without them. For me to put up with the sort of crap you describe you'd have to pay me a wage as well as my expenses. It is as the late Terry Pratchett once said, the problem with some people is that when they get the badge that says 'parent' everyone without kids gets given the one that says 'child'.

i do know what you mean i used to go away with family but it just got to irritating in the end and I stopped going. even though my dm died young i dont regret it id rathermake happy memories at home

So you dont enjoy it but keep going
That's just silly really

Either dont go anymore. Or speak up! Even to your niece. The fact she doesnt seem to know that someone is an adult after the age of 18 is just bizarre. My 4yo knows that.

I think I might have a word with parents, since they're the ones who are paying. Well before the holiday is planned and booked. Tell them clearly that although you like being with them, you don't enjoy the dynamic with your sister and BIL and would like to discuss ways of changing it. Perhaps you could discuss with your parents which meals you'll be planning and cooking, and that it'll be your choice of music on those nights. (Or just no opera throughout.)

Also, maybe you could arrange a food delivery for your nights, rather than letting them "forget" to order what you need.
If your parents aren't able to go along with this idea, then suggest that you and they go away separately from sister and BIL, whether for a whole week or one night on a weekend.

Hopefully these discussions will show your parents how fed up you are with the whole thing, and that changes need to be made.

But if those changes aren't made, you will know it's the last holiday for you with them.

I wish you luck. It isn't easy because these people have been treating you as a lesser person your whole life, but you do need to set the boundaries as they won't do it on their own.

Those saying "just don't go" have clearly never had to deal with controlling people before.

I have relatives who have to control everything. Christmas is a nightmare with them. But you go along with it to prevent a huge fall out and a grown man having a temper tantrum, embarrassing everyone and sulking for the next few days.

Sometimes it's just not worth it.

I understand that you don;t want to miss out on time with your parents - but if they are elderly they are presumably retired - why not spend time with them (parents only) at their home, rather than away on holiday with your sister?
Better still, have parents stay with you for a week - that way demonstrating that you are an adult, and you having more "control" in terms of meal planning/provision. If they have accessibility needs and your home isn't suitable, rent a cottage in the UK and take them on holiday - unlikely to be more than a solo holiday away for you.

I did have similar issues with my sister, who is ten years older than me - not holidays, but it was always "little ThinWomansBrain..." Her partners' brother and wife were only about two years older than me, and her work colleagues (I occasionally joined them for after work drinks etc) were often a lot younger.
It finally stopped when looking to change jobs in my late 20's, she suggested something she'd seen advertised - I said I'd typically only look at stuff with at least double the salary of the role she'd suggested, and she sort of got it.

Or maybe they don't have to deal with controlling people, because they have said no ?

It is very much the same principle as a toddlers tantruming - yes, it is easier to give in once, but every time you give in, it makes it harder and harder the next time, and the time after, and the toddler (or adult family members in this case) think that doing what they are doing is the 'norm' and usual way to get what they want.

Thank you Kite 22 for that clear explanation. It upsets me when people think I should "just give in", generally because they love their family members and simply don't understand other family relationships.

My parents live about an hours drive from me, so I think we would all find it quite bizarre if I asked them to stay at mine for a week.

I also don’t have the money to rent a cottage for a week. I’m on a single wage paying all outgoings, running a car and just having enough left over to have a life.

I’ve spoken to my dad today (man of few words) but he understood and said he would have a word.

I mean it seems unfair I shouldn’t go, originally it was the obviously the family of four growing up, then BIL joined when they started dating - then the children. I won’t be ousted out of a holiday because two people like to control everything. I’m going to give it one last go.

So glad your father seemed to understand topoftheworld, and hopefully your discussion will lead to changes. Although I'm going to make a wild guess that your BIL won't be pleased to be asked to "tone it down a bit". It's quite possible of course that your parents have been upset about the taking over of their generous holiday, and will be pleased to see things a little more fairly managed. Fingers crossed. And it'd be great if you were to let us know how it goes after the holiday.

It’s not until August but I will update - although people will have forgotten by then 😄

Thanks Topoftheworld I'll keep my eyes open for it. Not everyone will have forgotten, and I'm hoping for a really feelgood story of how things were better this year.
Meanwhile, if I were you I'd start thinking of strategies to help. EG the headphones many have spoken of, in case the opera features again. I'd personally choose heavy metal for my nights, with the volume at 11! Which might at least encourage some give and take. And if you haven't been included in the meal planning before you leave, then I'd arrange for some take-aways. Just ignore their food while you munch your pizza.