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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of sister and BIL dictating everything on holiday?

113 replies

Imontopoftheworld · 07/06/2022 16:14

Every single family holiday.

My BIL will turn his music on and god forbid anyone else can play theirs. So this weekend I was stuck listening to loud opera.

They decide what we eat and cook it. Im happy to cook but it’s not even an option. I was going to make a side dish to their dinner and it got questioned half to death by my sister I couldn’t be bothered

They and our parents sort all the meals and good out beforehand - I try and get involved but they do it when I’m not there. I contribute money to the food but apparently I’m not even trusted to buy any type of food.

I’m just sick of it. Because I’m not married or have children then they treat me like a baby and sit there and moan loudly about laziness being a horrible trait.

OP posts:
mumwon · 07/06/2022 16:50

Go for a short time so you keep the peace, maybe?

Lindjam · 07/06/2022 16:50

Just don't go next time - and tell your parents why.

swedex · 07/06/2022 16:54

If you really have to go get your headphones in and listen to your own music and think about the food in a different way...you don't have to cook for that week let them do it all! Chill on the sofa listening to your music!

Original poster
Imontopoftheworld · 07/06/2022 16:58

swedex · 07/06/2022 16:54

If you really have to go get your headphones in and listen to your own music and think about the food in a different way...you don't have to cook for that week let them do it all! Chill on the sofa listening to your music!

I’d like to be involved though. They just treat me like I’m a baby.

OP posts:
swedex · 07/06/2022 17:02

@Imontopoftheworld I understand, just trying to think of another way of dealing with it. Can imagine it's hard!

Would you be able to assert some control just simple say I am cooking on this night. And just get into the kitchen before your family and start prepping! Doesn't sound like a nice holiday though for you!

MoreHairyThanScary · 07/06/2022 17:05

Order a taxi and take yourself of out for the day, go to a restaurant and chose the food you want.

Ultimately stop rolling over and just say that doesn't work for me.

mrsm43s · 07/06/2022 17:08

Don't go if you don't like it.

A580Hojas · 07/06/2022 17:13

Are you an adult? You do not have to go on holiday with your family! I never have. Been three times with dh's family in 30 years together and wouldn't have done that voluntarily.

TheOriginalClownfish · 07/06/2022 17:15

I won't go on holiday with family members except my kiddo and my partner. Not even for free. And I did turn down a free holiday.

My time is valuable enough to not waste it on doing things that I don't want to do, in a place I've no interest in and eating stuff I didn't choose. Fuck that.

Cherrysoup · 07/06/2022 17:18

Have you told your bil you don’t want to listen to opera? Could you knock up a rota for making meals in advance of going on holiday?

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/06/2022 17:30

Imontopoftheworld · 07/06/2022 16:29

Sorry I didn’t make it clear in my OP - it’s a holiday that my parents organise and pay for. They won’t accept contributions. We just contribute with the food etc

Don't go. Just because they organise and pay for it, does not mean it is compulsory to go. Tell your parents that you're passing on this holiday this year as you simply don't enjoy it.

10HailMarys · 07/06/2022 17:31

it’s a holiday that my parents organise and pay for

So what? You still don't have to go. If my parents wanted me to go on a holiday I didn't enjoy, I'd say 'Aw, that's a lovely offer but I think I'll do something different this year instead - I feel like having a break where I can just do my own thing, rather than a group holiday.'

Stop being so passive. If you don't want to be treated like a child, you could probably make a great start by saying a polite no thank you to your parents' holiday offer, instead of going along with it and sulking because you're not enjoying it.

IstayedForTheFeminism · 07/06/2022 17:33

Sounds exactly like holidays with my brother and SIL! They choose the menu and cook. So I have to do all the washing up to make it "fair". The trips are based around what they like to do.

I can't easily refuse to go because the DC love it, and the push back from DB/SIL/mum if I don't go isn't worth it.

Luckily we're going away already this year so that's my get out!

orwellwasright · 07/06/2022 17:43

I should imagine OP wants to go on holiday with her family, but is just fed up with not being treated like an equal autonomous adult and instead is expected to fall in line with everyone else's plans.

I've been there. I get it. Single women without children get treated like afterthoughts.

godmum56 · 07/06/2022 17:45

Imontopoftheworld · 07/06/2022 16:29

Sorry I didn’t make it clear in my OP - it’s a holiday that my parents organise and pay for. They won’t accept contributions. We just contribute with the food etc

still don't go.

godmum56 · 07/06/2022 17:46

IstayedForTheFeminism · 07/06/2022 17:33

Sounds exactly like holidays with my brother and SIL! They choose the menu and cook. So I have to do all the washing up to make it "fair". The trips are based around what they like to do.

I can't easily refuse to go because the DC love it, and the push back from DB/SIL/mum if I don't go isn't worth it.

Luckily we're going away already this year so that's my get out!

send your partner and the kids and go somewhere else

Ragwort · 07/06/2022 17:48

In your opening post you say 'Every single holiday' so this is a recurring theme? Why don't you feel confident in saying 'no thanks' to the holiday?

Ragwort · 07/06/2022 17:51

Istayed you can refuse (politely) to go, just send DH and your DC. There is no Law that say families have to holiday together ... my family love skiing, I don't so I don't join them. One year they went over Christmas... no problem, I happily stayed peacefully at home ... yet some people were shocked that we could spend Christmas apart ... what is the big deal? Hmm

Irishfarmer · 07/06/2022 17:51

How long is it for? How often do ye go? Do you actually want to go?

I'm guessing you do want to go since you keep going.

The 2 oldest sisters in my family were like clucking hens at any family gathering. They would take over the kitchen and nearly kill each other. I am better at cooking than both of them put together. But just left them to it! Yes I/ others usually had to do the cleaning later. Told, since we can't cook it's only fair we clean. I just steer clear of the kitchen when they are in it. Both have now chilled a bit with age. Esp after parents died.

longtompot · 07/06/2022 17:52

Just being nosey, but what was the side dish and what was the main? I would have just made it, never mind what she was saying.

If your parents say they've booked and paid for a holiday for everyone, just tell them you aren't going. Even if they say but we've paid for you, just tell them you are busy and they should have asked.

I'm going to assume a whole load of things here, and if I have got things completely wrong I apologise, but I'm assuming you don't live at home and have a job and that you are the youngest? If so, then you are an adult and can deal with life in an adult way. I think the whole family are probably used to you being the youngest and therefore not able to do anything. You need to change how they see you, and if that's missing out on a holiday (which btw doesn't sound like one for you) then so be it.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 07/06/2022 17:52

I think you need to take some control and be assertive.

insist you want to cook a meal and follow through with it. Don’t accept no for an answer and point out it’s only fair to have choice over food too. “I don’t want to wash up every night, I want to cook one night at least. That seems fair to me”.

turn the music over. “You’ve listened to your music for an hour so I am putting some on for a bit now”.

ultimately you may have to decide not to holiday with them if they can’t show you a basic amount of respect.

have you told them how you feel?

SommerTen · 07/06/2022 17:55

Just don't go away with your family again... the dynamic is not doing you any good.
If you have no friends that want to go away, then go on a singles holiday; an organised tour, or just go on holiday alone.. you can do it!!
My sister has been to Greek Islands & Lanzarote alone & really enjoyed it.

To make it cheaper book an air bnb apartment with good reviews & separate flights & transfers.

Arnaquer · 07/06/2022 17:57

Don't go. Pay for your own holiday. No one is forcing you to go.

PlanetNormal · 07/06/2022 17:59

The solution to this is as simple as it is obvious. Don’t go on holiday with these people. It isn’t compulsory to go on holiday with people who annoy you, even when you are related to them. So don’t.

I’m not sure what else there is to say? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Kite22 · 07/06/2022 18:01

Why do you continue to go if you dislike it so much ?
Presumably you are all adults ?
Either go and accept it for what it is - free holiday, not having to lift a finger (many folk would rather appreciate that) - or don't go.