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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of sister and BIL dictating everything on holiday?

113 replies

Imontopoftheworld · 07/06/2022 16:14

Every single family holiday.

My BIL will turn his music on and god forbid anyone else can play theirs. So this weekend I was stuck listening to loud opera.

They decide what we eat and cook it. Im happy to cook but it’s not even an option. I was going to make a side dish to their dinner and it got questioned half to death by my sister I couldn’t be bothered

They and our parents sort all the meals and good out beforehand - I try and get involved but they do it when I’m not there. I contribute money to the food but apparently I’m not even trusted to buy any type of food.

I’m just sick of it. Because I’m not married or have children then they treat me like a baby and sit there and moan loudly about laziness being a horrible trait.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 07/06/2022 19:29

They sound like an absolute nightmare - but I can also understand why you want to make the most of time with your elderly parents while they are still able to go on holiday. Why don't you sit down with them, without your brattish sister and BIL around, and tell them how you love spending time with them, and appreciate them taking you all away, but this controlling and belittling behaviour makes you feel inadequate. Quote examples. Maybe they don't realise how it makes you feel.

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/06/2022 19:42

I think there will have to be a break period for them to see you as an adult, right now it seems they think you are a teen who doesn’t get a vote because they are paying.

People take people for granted if they are always available.

If you want to spend time w your Dad, then perhaps just go for less time. It also might help to frame it it your mind that you are being treated as the honorary boy rather than child (if that is conceivable). This might give you license to reframe yourself as the cool single aunt who has better things to do than go to the supermarchet

It might be a good idea to think about how you might have some holiday plans of your own so they start to see you differently. If you don’t have friends who are available for
a holiday, you could look at things like Skyros or yoga holiday or whatever you are into.

BiasedBinding · 07/06/2022 19:52

It sounds awful. If you want things to change then you have to say something or just not go.

But I see it from the other side too - we do holidays with parents and my siblings and if I waited for those without children to decide to do things or cook things then we would get out of the house too late for my toddlers and/or they would be getting hungrier and hungrier for food. Im not saying you would do it that way OP, you sound considerate and would understand I am sure, but I can see how my siblings without children might see me as overbearing when in fact it’s just the case that the buck stops with me when it comes to dealing with fractious children and I will act early to avoid it.

Labpictures · 07/06/2022 20:00

Sirzy · 07/06/2022 16:33

Just because they pay doesn’t make it compulsory to attend.

at the end of the day the only way anything will change is if you speak up.

This.

so address it - next phone call - can I address some things that happened on holiday? For the smoothness of the next time we go

  1. we take turns in cooking end of
  2. opera all weekend was just too much - can we take it in turns
  3. adults are treated like adults - equal decision making etc
Aprilx · 07/06/2022 20:02

Imontopoftheworld · 07/06/2022 16:29

Sorry I didn’t make it clear in my OP - it’s a holiday that my parents organise and pay for. They won’t accept contributions. We just contribute with the food etc

They don’t tie you up and make you go though do they. I voted you are being unreasonable, not because I think you are being unreasonable on holiday, but only because there is such a simple solution!

BiasedBinding · 07/06/2022 20:05

The snide remarks about laziness are totally unacceptable, absolutely no need for that

Porcupineintherough · 07/06/2022 20:08

Just don't go - it really is that easy. See your parents some other time. Or go and advocate for yourself. Stand your ground.

Glitterspy · 07/06/2022 20:28

My god, lie back and enjoy it. If I had a family who organised, booked and paid for holidays, laid on food without me having to lift a finger, and all I had to do was pay my share of the food bill? Sounds absolutely amazing to me, I’m not sure I’ve understood what the problem is!

altiara · 07/06/2022 20:37

I’d speak to your parents and say you’re fed up of being treated this way, you want to be able to join in more rather than be treated like a child.

Lollypop701 · 07/06/2022 20:54

I’m with the making your own lovely food and telling them you would have made it for them…but I’d make sure I offered up front so you could point out they said no. If everyone else likes opera and it’s just you who doesn’t then think you will have to suck it up.. if your df likes something else, change it and smile and say oh df likes x so we’re listening to this. Ds and bil are infantilising you because, well children can’t have their own house and fab job. So I’d point out you are tired after your latest project/ busy work period etc but it’s great as it’s paid for new car etc. lots of smiles, but do what you want basically

IssaBaby · 07/06/2022 21:00

Life is too short to force yourself to do things you don't want.
Either don't go or just put your music on and do some cooking and be honest if they object and say its your holiday too.

I'd have stopped going by now...

Lunificent · 07/06/2022 21:05

Don’t go on any holiday involving your BIL. He’s quietly bullying you really.
See your father at other times.

stepuporshutup · 07/06/2022 21:06

This

Honeyroar · 07/06/2022 21:20

Whatever you discuss with them, or ask for on the next holiday it won’t change. Spend quality time with your dad elsewhere and skip the dreary family holiday. Join a club/get a new interest that might lead to group holidays or something.

Need2P · 07/06/2022 21:27

YABU for going even though you know they'll make you feel like s*

IncompleteSenten · 07/06/2022 21:31

I voted YABU because you're choosing to go.
You can't change other people, only yourself.

If you don't like how they are - don't go.
Or do go but go off and do your own thing.
Or listen to music on your headphones.
Cook a meal for yourself.
Or stand up to your brother.

IlkaDoxie · 07/06/2022 22:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

TheOriginalClownfish · 08/06/2022 14:33

It sounds to me that no matter what you try to change, they will always peg you as the baby, give you chores and no decision making because that's what they need in order to feed their grandiose superiority.

My aunt treats my mother like she's a child to the point where she almost grabs her hand crossing the road - Mum is 77! She's always scoffing at her, when in reality, DM is a lot more hands on and capable of things that you'd never expect and Aunt wouldn't know how to change a lightbulb or a battery.

So sometimes it's just a family thing.

Mitigate the irritation of the two fools by planning trips with your dad, or telling, not asking, BIL that he's played his music last night, it's someone else's turn to pick, by cooking for yourself - or even taking your parents out to dinner to thank them for the holiday and let the two of them eat their sad little dinner themselves.

hangrylady · 08/06/2022 14:41

Imontopoftheworld · 07/06/2022 16:29

Sorry I didn’t make it clear in my OP - it’s a holiday that my parents organise and pay for. They won’t accept contributions. We just contribute with the food etc

You still don't have to go! Or suck it up and enjoy a free holiday and someone else doing all the work. I'd happily listen to opera all day if someone else was paying.

Tessabelle74 · 08/06/2022 18:12

I voted YABU only because you're a grown up, just go on holiday without them

AmberMcAmber · 08/06/2022 20:14

Don’t go and explain why… don’t be a dick about it but when it comes to planning the next one just say that you’d rather not have to listen to only BILs music or eat just their food when you are perfectly capable and wanting to contribute - so you’ll go nearby maybe and meet up with them or not go at all and go somewhere with friends

if they aren’t twats then they’ll listen to you and hopefully include you more

NazMedusa · 08/06/2022 21:05

I have family who have form for this; selfish and only think about what they feel like doing, eating, etc. Last holiday together, I refused to back down and ended up going to a different restaurant with my kids, DH and one of my sisters, while selfish sister, BIL, their kids and my mum went to another. Since then, I've just made excuses not to go with them. So much easier and more relaxed holidaying with my DP and kids. No stress from anyone else. Just don't go with them again.

ChocolateHippo · 08/06/2022 21:40

How long does this horror last? I firmly believe that a long weekend is about the limit of what most grown-ups can tolerate with family.

As far as I can see, you have various options - don't go, go and suck it up, go and do your own thing. Or go for a shorter period of time - the weekend, rather than a whole week if that's what you presently do. Or you could go but organise your own accommodation nearby - treat yourself to a nice hotel/airbnb and just meet up for activities. If you want to make the most of time with your parents, you could also treat them to a weekend away without BIL/DS and their children - it might be nice to spend more time with them without everything having to be kid-friendly.

VWCJW · 08/06/2022 22:54

I felt like that years ago, when on holiday with my parents, sister and BIL. I spent one day, crying on my own, feeling totally ganged up against and picked on. Later that day, I got chatting to a gorgeous bloke and ended up having the most amazing holiday romance. Go out and enjoy yourself and realise there is a world away from how they are making you feel. X

dancebob1980 · 08/06/2022 23:22

Sounds like you can't control the behaviour of your family, only your own.

You obviously still want to attend, so what do you want to get out of the holiday? Apart from getting their respect, which you can't control. You state you want to spend time with your elderly father, so focus on that. What are his interests?

Take advantage of the time you have free (no shopping or cooking) and do something fun/worthwhile with him. If he is physically able, go for a walk with him, or sit outside while they work, and chat.

What hobbies does he have, or interests? Can you share them - take a jigsaw to do with him whilst they work? My dad, for example, loves history and wants to talk me through our family tree, so I would encourage him to take the photos with him and talk to me about our family history. We also like doing the cryptic crossword together as a family. Is there anything similar you could do with your father? Maybe take two sets of headphones and play and reminisce about any music he likes that you associate with your childhood (bonus points for drowning out the opera!).

As regards respecting you, you can't control that. But if it is important to you, find a way to contribute. Take/buy some nice wine/beer for the meal (and enjoy it even if they don't!). Take some choccies to share. Get some flowers to brighten the place up. But focus on what you or your dad like, so you get enjoyment from it even if the others throw it in your face.

You have my sympathy. We have been doing family holidays for years (DH side for one holiday, my family for the next), and I love spending time with them all but put so much effort into appeasing everyone else that often I don't get to relax and come back in need of a holiday!