To be sick of sister and BIL dictating everything on holiday?

[Imontopoftheworld]

Every single family holiday.

My BIL will turn his music on and god forbid anyone else can play theirs. So this weekend I was stuck listening to loud opera.

They decide what we eat and cook it. Im happy to cook but it’s not even an option. I was going to make a side dish to their dinner and it got questioned half to death by my sister I couldn’t be bothered

They and our parents sort all the meals and good out beforehand - I try and get involved but they do it when I’m not there. I contribute money to the food but apparently I’m not even trusted to buy any type of food.

I’m just sick of it. Because I’m not married or have children then they treat me like a baby and sit there and moan loudly about laziness being a horrible trait.

If only I had a partner to send

I said YABU for still going...i wouldnt bother...its not a fun holiday- free or not

Thank you. I really am not viewed as an adult because I’m childless and single. My niece even asked me once if I was an adult 🤦‍♀️ - because I can’t be one if I don’t have children apparently,

I should put my foot down more though. My father is elderly so I’d hate to miss out on time with him and regret it - when I actually do have the leave from work to easily do so.

I also think my BIL is a very jealous person. He never mentioned my new house or asked to see what it’s like or asked about my new job - because he’s probably terrified it’s a more “important” job then what he does. He’s the type to get his work phone out and sigh loudly and tell you he’s sending an email.

All the photos he posts on SM from the holiday only include his wife and children so it makes it look like only they went away and he paid for everything.

How old are you op? Is your sister much older? Are you renting a house together?

Well I don't have a DH to send so there's that! And I do like spending time with my family. Just by the end of the week I'm fed up of being treated like a child!

People who say "just don't go" obviously have a different family set up to me and OP. It isn't that easy.

I am going on a couple of weekends away with different friends.

And I’ve done the travelling alone thing in my early 20s. I don’t want to do it again.

Take some headphones, plenty of snacks and a pile of books.
Stuff them all op.

As others have said, you need to speak up or stop going.

They treat me like a baby

Well maybe stop acting like one and assert yourself as an adult by (options):

• deciding not to go
• speaking to them about how you feel and offering some constructive suggestions
• facilitating some independence on holiday so you don't have to be with them 24/7
• finding a suitable patio under which to bury the sound system or BIL (whichever is easiest) - obvs joking...

I just wouldn’t go…can’t see what’s difficult about that. They might moan, just explain why you’re not going ever again, and why

OP

The question that needs to be asked is 'how might we make the family holiday more enjoyable for everyone?'

You'll probably find the other family members have aspects they'd like to change, too.

I really cannot understand the appeal of group family holidays where everyone stays in the same villa/accommodation. I would go absolutely insane and I love my family dearly.

I think it is being thrown together outside of our normal routine, like kids lol. We don't live full time with parents, siblings and n+ns do we? So no wonder it can be difficult to cope and then no one is really happy.

OP I think you feel a sense of duty or obligation to go on these holidays. I think as an adult you may have to ease yourself out of this way of thinking. If I were you I would have a weekend away with just my parents instead, since they are the ones you seem to want to be with the most. The rest of them can go ahead and do the Hi-de-HI stuff.

Don't go anymore.

If you do continue to go, you're going to have to speak up.

Walk over and turn the opera off. Tell them it gives you the rage.
Or get up and do an interpretive dance.

Any criticisms from your sister, tell her thanks but I've managed to keep myself alive.

Follow each with a tinkly laugh.

Sounds like your BIL and sister like to think of themselves as special.

I had a set like that. My late DHs sister and her husband.

He wouldn't say anything to them but I enjoyed winding them up in subtle ways and he loved me for it.

I am not convinced that your family are capable of giving you what you would like.

You would like a family holiday where all adults are treated as equal adults - as you like spending time with your elderly dad.

My hunch is that even if you rocked up with a husband, 3 kids, a senior job and and a 5 bed house they would STILL treat you as the baby as that is the role assigned to you. If you try asserting yourself then YOU will be seen as the problem.

You therefore have to think about achieving what your highest priority is, in a different way. If it is spending time with your dad, then make a way to do it without your sister and ghastly BIL there spoiling things.

Be an adult by spending adult time with him finding about his life one to one, doing things only he and you are interested in, getting your mum to learn about your adult personality instead the role she has you pegged in age 8.

It's time to change things.

So if I’ve understood correctly, you’d still like to go if the dynamic was different, right? Well, wishing won’t make it happen. You’ve got to stand up for yourself.

If there’s a holiday coming up, have a full and frank discussion with your family beforehand. Tell them you would like more input into what you all do and are not prepared to just go along with whatever they decide anymore. You need to be very, very firm on this, to the point of obstinance. They WILL argue back. They WILL try the ‘Some young women would be grateful for a free holiday’ routine. They WILL tell you that you’re being stubborn, difficult and other variations on that, and that you’re spoiling it for everyone. You have to be prepared for this.

Stay as calm as you can. Say you have no intention for spoiling things for anyone else - but at the moment, things are being spoiled for you, and that you’re sick of being the one who always falls into line. State calmly - not as a threat - that if things aren’t going to change, perhaps it’s best you don’t come.

You need to be prepared for your mother to turn on the tears; to say she can’t believe you’re ruining things like this and that all she wants is for her family to be together, surely that’s not too much to ask etc. I’m sad to say she may even pull the ultimate ‘We don’t know how many more chances your dad will get to have all his family around him’ emotional blackmail card. But it IS blackmail. It will be incredibly tough - but you have to stand firm.

I get what other posters have said about how ‘It’s not as easy as that’. I really do. The truth is it won’t be easy, and may not work. But you need to try if you want anything to change.

Good luck.

When arrangements are being made, TELL them what you are going to cook one day for dinner/ brekkie. Don't ask. Don't look for opinions. Just TELL them and then DO IT.

Make sure you take some pics and tag your BIL and everyone else, thanking your parents for the trip, mollifying him trying to take the credit!

If your sister and BiL remain unreasonable then I suggest 'kidnapping' your parents and taking them out for a nice meal, a good way to get some quality time in and thank them for the treat.

Failing all of this, stop going. Take your parents away separately, even just for a weekend. But if you let the cycle continue you can't blame anyone else for nothing changing.

Surely you just tell them you’re cooking x night and x night and will shop for and coordinate these nights, so they have two less nights to think about. If they ask what you’re cooking tell them it’s a surprise and don’t explain further

You complain that they are treating you like a baby and it does sound as if they are. But you are acting like a baby as if you are powerless in this whole scenario. It's a fairly typical family dynamic, reverting to childhood behaviour patterns.

You are not a baby anymore. You have choices and autonomy. If it doesn't bring you pleasure don't do it.

Write to them several weeks before the next holiday, saying that you'd like to contribute more so will be making [2 or 3?] full meals for everyone, including buying, cooking and washing up. Ask them to include those meals in the schedule. Don't agree to provide details of what you're cooking - just say it'll be the kind of thing everyone likes. And maybe volunteer to run a games evening or something too. Don't make it easy for them to call you lazy and useless.

Be more proactive. Take control of at least one meal. Play the music you want.

There is literally zero point in feeling wronged when you passively let others take charge.

As for your niece asking if you are grown up, if she is under 10 I would have taken it as either a compliment (you must be fun! Look young!) Or accept that children often just say things without thinking.

But stop feeling sorry for yourself and sitting in the role of no doing anything. Be more proactive.

Talk to them about it, but honestly if they don't listen and you don't enjoy these holidays, don't go any more. Plan something else with your Dad.

Don’t go with them anymore. Arrange a holiday with just you & your parents. Sister & BIL won’t change, and life is too short to be wasting holiday time feeling resentful and miserable.

Don’t worry about your niece asking if you were an adult. Mine asked this when they were little too and we didn’t have kids. In their head you were either a mummy or a kid as that’s all they knew. So she asked if I had kids, no, then I must live with my mummy.

If it's making it so you don't enjoy the holiday, I think you need to be a bit more direct about it when it happens:

"[BiL] I'm really sick of opera, we listen to it every holiday and I'm past the point of toleration. How about some x? Or something by y?".

Alternatively, as a starting point, when he puts something on "Not opera again, [BiL]. Please choose something else." or whatever reflects his words when you put on your favourite. This does presume your musical tastes are shared by at least some of the others on the holiday - if everyone else likes opera and hates your taste in music then headphones are the answer.

On the food front:
As soon as the holiday is arranged "Just a heads up, I'm kind of tired of never being involved in planning what we eat or doing the cooking. This time I want to be involved in that. I have a bunch of ideas."

And if they do it without you anyway and ask you for cash towards it then "Hold up. That's really rude. I specifically asked to be included in planning this time. I don't want to be stuck in the same dynamic every holiday." Ideally, include a meal you want to cook, say when you want to cook it and list the ingredients that need to be added to the food list.