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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask why people bother with wedding seating plans?

117 replies

AnnHedonia · 05/06/2022 13:18

Not being snidey about those who choose to do so, btw - I just genuinely have never understood the necessity. At my own wedding we let guests sit wherever they wanted (aside from the top table, which we did the traditional way) and it felt so much easier than trying to plan it all out.

A relative is currently wrangling with the seating plan for her own wedding - mustn't put this person next to that person as they don't get along, etc - and it got me wondering why people bother.

Am I missing something? (Not trying to say either way is right or wrong, btw, just saying DH and I found it easier to not have one.)

OP posts:
Rory1234 · 05/06/2022 15:16

We didn’t have a traditional top table, like you did, as we didn’t want to - guess each to their own

OhMrDarcy · 05/06/2022 15:16

I went to a Christening once and there was around 80 people there, big buffet afterwards and no seating plan. All fine, but we only knew about 3 people. Luckily located these three friends, two empty seats left on the table, all looking good so far.

Just sitting down, about to tuck in when the host couple arrived, and said they wanted to sit in our seats. We moved, graciously, only to find there was nowhere else to sit. I didn't make a fuss, but I've never really spoken to the couple since. So fucking rude and disorganised.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 05/06/2022 15:16

We did a sort of seating plan, as in these 10 people at this table, these 8 at this table etc, but we didn't assign exact seats. Our food was served from food vans and guests could sit (or stand) anywhere they wanted to eat (we had outdoor seating too) but we wanted everyone to have a 'base' to leave their drinks and bags etc and somewhere to sit for the speeches

mommandme · 05/06/2022 15:19

We went to a wedding once with no seating plan. It was really shit. Even though the hosts has left lots of spare seats, there wasn't enough tables to accommodate all the groups of 3/4/5/6/8 etc. Apart from the inevitable bun fight of everyone trying to passively aggressively get their seats with friends, we ended up being separated from the only group of people we knew, and having the meal stuck at the end of a table where the rest of the table ignored us as they were a separate group. It was a thoroughly awkward time all around. I wasn't going to do a seating plan before that wedding, but it made me change my mind and decide we needed one!

sleepymum50 · 05/06/2022 15:21

My husband was his brothers best man, so he was put on the top table.

I was put on one of the smaller tables, the other side of the room, with all the grooms friends.

I felt a bit nervous to start with as I didn’t know any of them and everyone else on the table was in couples. But I think I just sucked it up. I had a lovely time but I hardly saw my husband all evening.

Not the best seating plan in my opinion, but I think at a wedding there’s nearly always a loner or two that has to be found a place. Guess it was just my turn to be the odd one out that time. And no, I don’t know why I wasn’t near my husband.

starlingdarling · 05/06/2022 16:30

A wedding without a seating plan feels like a busy all-inclusive resort restaurant. People trying to find and reserve seats with whatever item they can leave behind to show it's taken or worse, roaming around with a plate full of food searching for somewhere to sit. I've only experienced it once and it was awful.

MinglingFlamingo · 05/06/2022 16:51

I went to a wedding once where there weren't tables just chairs and you just shifted the chair to where you wanted to sit and with who. One of the best weddings ever was so informal. It was like a posh picnic. Would have been snookered if the weather had been shit though.

Ponderingwindow · 05/06/2022 16:58

Because it’s absolutely awful being at a wedding without one and people are going around asking if there is room and the table and getting turned away over and over. Seating charts might seem like a hassle, but not making one at a large wedding is just rude.

Musicaltheatremum · 05/06/2022 17:07

We had a seating plan. Split up big groups of people who knew each other and put them with other groups. Mixed people up. Everyone loved it and so many have commented how nice it was to meet our respective friends. We are older 58 and 63 so didn't have to invite anyone we didn't want to.

Basilbrushgotfat · 05/06/2022 17:08

I actually think its quite useful to have a seating guide/ushers at funerals too. Nothing so formal as a plan, but I've sadly been to enough funerals to notice the worry among mourners that they may take a family members place (and the tension when a family member feels they have).

Just a couple of ushers guiding people to pews would be really helpful.

girlmom21 · 05/06/2022 17:25

Basilbrushgotfat · 05/06/2022 17:08

I actually think its quite useful to have a seating guide/ushers at funerals too. Nothing so formal as a plan, but I've sadly been to enough funerals to notice the worry among mourners that they may take a family members place (and the tension when a family member feels they have).

Just a couple of ushers guiding people to pews would be really helpful.

I thought it was just standard practice to avoid the front 3 pews if you're not immediate family. Generally family enter first,

Basilbrushgotfat · 05/06/2022 17:32

@girlmom21 you'd think, wouldn't you?

Inertia · 05/06/2022 17:33

Lack of seating plan does make life easier for the wedding couple, ie the two people who know everyone there and how each guest is connected to others.

Not bothering with a plan outsources all the hassle and stress to a) catering staff who are left clueless about where guests with allergies/ specific requirements are; and b) to the guests, who are probably already hungry after hanging around all day and now face the aggro of finding enough seats together/ finding a spare seat if you don’t know other people. It leads to a survival of the fittest scenario, where only the pushiest people get the seats they want.

You can have a seating plan which is considerate for your guests. If you don’t do it because you can’t be bothered, the seating hassle isn’t solved, you’ve just passed the buck.

MrsFezziwig · 05/06/2022 17:42

The aim of a searing plan is to make sure people from both the bride and the grooms side mingle during the meal or else people would just sit beside their own family which would possibly cause a divide between the two families.

You are completely wrong. The aim of a seating plan is so your guests feel happy and comfortable. How can you imagine forcing people to mingle will end well - there’s plenty of time at a wedding pre- and post meal for people to mingle IF THEY WANT.

I don’t think I’ve ever read one of these threads where ANYONE has ever said they want to be put on a table with strangers.

PurBal · 05/06/2022 17:45

Every wedding I’ve been to as a guest without a plan has been shit because you always end up day with people you don’t know. In terms of finding tables to sit with your partner or, if you’re lucky, other people you know it’s just crap.

ZarquonsSandals · 05/06/2022 17:46

We had one as we had a number of guests with different allergies. With a sit-down meal, it was easier to ensure the right meal went to the right person.

PurBal · 05/06/2022 17:46

And no, don’t seat people who don’t know each other together. That’s stupid. They’ll never see each other again FFS

GreatCuppa · 05/06/2022 17:51

I don’t get this enforced mingling. You can’t make people be friends.

thecatsthecats · 05/06/2022 17:51

We didn't agonise over it, but we also didn't leave people with the awkward task of playing favourites splitting a group of 16 over two tables, knowing that Jane and Mark were talking to Ben on the way in, but now Sarah has sat down at that table and she doesn't like Mark, but the other table is full up so they need to negotiate a spot on a table of aunts and uncles who don't know them at all.

We just had tables between 6-10 people and stuck sensible whole groups together where there were no feuds to navigate. Everyone with people they knew, and no worrying about where to sit.

WhatNoRaisins · 05/06/2022 17:58

We treated our seating plan like reserving tables at a restaurant, we came up with groups of guests and assigned them one or two tables depending on how many there were. Didn't feel the need to micromanage beyond that or attempt some sort of mingling social experiment.

Dinoteeth · 05/06/2022 18:16

Classicblunder · 05/06/2022 14:50

Obviously I totally get it if one of you needs assistance

Show quote history

And if your DH is one of the few people you know at the wedding. How happy are you to sit alone with complete strangers.

YellowFlickerSticker2 · 05/06/2022 18:36

The last wedding that I attended, there was no seating plan
There was a buffet & free drinks on the table & a pay yourself bar
It was sit where you like & very relaxed

Mooloolabababy · 05/06/2022 18:40

Mil didn't have a seating plan at her wedding and it was shit! We were the last family to sit down and all 5 of us had to sit at different tables with random strangers, I hated it.

Original poster
AnnHedonia · 05/06/2022 19:21

Some interesting responses here and some things I hadn't considered. It's helped me see why seating plans might be needed. Ours was a medium-sized wedding with a buffet reception (guests had seen the menu beforehand) and there wasn't anyone coming on their own, plus a lot of the guests already knew each other and there weren't any people that needed to be kept apart, so all in all it kind of lent itself to a fairly unstructured do, which (to address a point one pp made), they seemed to enjoy as much as we did. That was what worked for us, our guests and the general vibe of the day, but I don't (to address another pp's point) consider it a 'better' way, just the way we chose. I do feel grateful I didn't have to wrangle over a complex seating plan, though.😁

I do remember looking at where people chose to sit on the day and seeing that generally people were sitting with people they already knew, and I don't remember seeing any families split across tables, so I think it worked out well for us all. I accept that it wouldn't work at every wedding, though, and especially not where special diets, disabilities etc need to be worked into the plan.

Oh, and I agree with those who've said 'mix 'n match'-type seating plans can be grim if they're not done right. 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnHedonia · 05/06/2022 19:29

You can have a seating plan which is considerate for your guests. If you don’t do it because you can’t be bothered, the seating hassle isn’t solved, you’ve just passed the buck.

That's quite a big generalisation, though. In some circumstances there genuinely isn't any hassle over seating.

OP posts:
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