To be annoyed at partner's seeming obsession with money?!

[anonljs]

NC for this.

Title is probably not the best but I don't know how else to express what I'm trying to say, and it honestly feels this way to me...

Partner and I want to book holiday for August. He will need to work some overtime shifts between now and then for us to afford to save for it. We've worked out the minimum number of shifts we need him to work in order to comfortably pay the bills and have extra for holiday - it will include working an extra weekend every month (we have worked out that if he works just one extra weekend plus extends other mid week shifts, we can meet the target we need for holiday). His contracted hours already include EOW, so we only have 2 weekends a month as a family anyway. With the overtime we would have just one weekend a month, but we accepted this as a short term sacrifice for the holiday.

He now wants to work all weekends a month including extending mid week shifts until 9pm in some instances. I also work almost FT hours, so this already adds pressure to me in terms of all childcare falling to me after work until 9pm, on top of losing every weekend of family time for 2 months. I'm not happy with this and I think he's taking it too far. We need some sort of balance. If he does this we won't have a day off together at all in the next 10 weeks until the holiday.

For context, from our approximate calculations, we are talking about the difference between a take home pay of around £2,900 versus £3,300. If he took home the lower amount, added to my salary too, we would still be well on target for holiday plus a little bit extra. I think he's lost sight of the goal and is now just trying to bring home as much as possible, but at the expense of family time and our relationship, which is equally if not more important to me than money.

AIBU??

no idea why there's two names there, it was supposed to be to op

I'd never want a holiday if it meant borrowing money on a credit card.

I'd seriously look at your family finances.
You should be minted.

So let me get this right

You have booked a holiday you cannot afford
Without his overtime you can only make minimum repayments
At a time when inflation and living costs are frequently going up

I do not consider your partner obsessed with money as you put it. I consider him wise to be cramming in as much overtime as possible to pay off the debt as soon as possible.

If be brings home £2,900 a month without overtime and you earn more than him, you've got to be bringing home around £6,000 a month or more.

I know we all live up to our means, but I'm surprised you need to be doing lots of overtime to pay for a holiday!

I would worry he’s going to make himself ill if he is constantly working and not giving himself any break!

But seeing as the holiday is only 2 months away I understand his decision to get as much money as possible just in case your car breaks down or you have some other big expense that you haven’t budgeted for.

I usually save money beforehand and then only once I’ve physically got the money saved do I look for holidays unless it’s a minimum 1 year away, as I couldn’t cope with the worry of being able to afford it.

Not sure were you got those figures from but that’s not what she said at all.

@Pixiedust1234

I didn't say "just about afford", you've added the "just about" in.

I simply said "we can afford the minimum payment without overtime". But the point is that we want to be able to comfortably pay a fair way over that amount and put a good chunk aside for spending money.

*So let me get this right

You have booked a holiday you cannot afford*

No, it's not booked.

I think working his weekends off , all weekend is just too much . My DH works every other weekend but he has a rule that any overtime he does is not on his weekend off . It's not fair on anyone especially if he is going to be at work until 9 some nights . Can you make cutbacks in other areas ?

Ok people aren't reading and are making up their own version here.

Without any overtime at all he brings home £1,800.

On an average month of overtime he brings home in the region of 2,100-2,300, depending on how much OT is available that month.

With the plan to do extra OT over the coming months he would be bringing home 2,900 ish.

His proposal (which I don't agree with) is to work every single hour under the sun and bring home closer to 3,300.

I am planning on doing exactly this and putting my foot down when he gets home from work today. It's not fair at all - we agreed one thing and he's unilaterally decided another. The more I think about it, I don't think it's any coincidence that it gets him out of childcare and home life responsibilities more often, either!

OK I did add "just about" but that was to emphasise that not paying a good chunk off the cc is a red flag to banks, debt agencies etc , its not good considering the amount you have coming in. Even in normal times it seems as though you are spending above your means bc you need overtime to pay for it but now is not normal. So I repeat, no wonder he has money anxiety.

@Pixiedust1234

Yes he probably does have "money anxiety" but if so, it will be because of his previous marriage and the multiple financial fuck ups therein rather than anything to do with me.

He told me that he experienced significant financial pressures in his marriage because: his ex wife earned nothing and was entirely financially dependent on him, she got them into unsustainable debt on multiple occasions without his knowledge, and she committed benefit fraud (also without his knowledge).

But he needs to stop projecting that experience into our situation and realise that this is very different. I earn good money, I haven't got us into debt without his knowledge, and I haven't committed fraud of any type (nor do I have any plans to do so).

A lot of his anxiety around money is, I feel, a hangover from his previous marriage.

Be fair to him though OP, it’s a holiday you can’t afford, need him to do overtime for because you can’t, and is going on a credit card so you are putting yourselves in debt to do it. So yes it may be a bit of a hangover, but also he has learnt from
being complacent about money in the past and wants to make sure this is covered.

Are you married? Is there a chance he is thinking this holiday is a good time to propose to you and he is working extra to save for a ring?

Do you know what's funny, too...

We had a (rare) day off together on bank holiday Friday just gone and we went out to a nearby town to take DC to a park and for some ice cream etc.

We had been having a conversation about the overtime arrangement and he had floated this idea of working more than the agreed number of shifts. I was expressing that I would really rather he didn't do this, as it would impact on our already very limited family time. He was saying "I don't think I work as much as you think I do..." etc etc.

Anyway about 10 mins later we saw his mate from work with his family, and there was a brief exchange between him and DP that was roughly as follows:

Mate: "Hi mate, fancy seeing you here, you having a nice day with the family?"
DP: "yeah, lovely thanks. I see you are too?"
Mate: "yeah. Not like you to take a day off, though?!"

Laughter between them... etc

I just marvelled at the perfect timing of it all and was like "thank you!!" 🤣 Even his work mates comment on the fact that he's always there, ffs. If that doesn't back up my point I don't know what does!

No we aren't married, and I honestly hadn't thought of this. 😮

I'll feel totally shit if this is the reason.....!

Do some nice days out, visit family, live cheaply and save up for a holiday once you have at least 3-6 months income saved as a rainy day fund.

This seems sensible but ... do people only plan holidays when they have significant savings behind them? Genuinely asking.

How about giving the guy a break? He's been told to do more overtime so they can have a holiday (that they clearly can't afford) and now he's getting it in the neck for wanting to do too much overtime? Seems he can't win whatever he does.

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

Only just seen your comment, sorry.

The credit card is in my name because he has poor credit from the financial fuck ups in his marriage (see previous post).

Yes I've pointed out that this plan involves him doing zero parenting and funnily enough he doesn't see that as a problem. 🙄

I do save up the full cost of a holiday before going. It’s not a smart financial move to go into any kind of debt to pay for a holiday even if you have a plan to work overtime to pay off that debt quickly. It creates financial pressure on you both to ensure the overtime is there and is worked and that in turn generates money anxiety that touch wood no unexpected expenses happen to derail the plan to pay off the debt.

I know you’re much better than his spendthrift fraudster ex, but that a very low bar to exceed. I don’t think the original plan you both came up with is financially smart to be honest.

@HundredMilesAnHour

No one has been "told" anything.

He has agreed to do it on the basis that he also wants the holiday abroad, despite the fact that I've suggested cheaper alternatives in this country which he has poo pooed.

He can "win" (if you want to use that sort of terminology). He can win by sticking to our mutually agreed plan which strikes a balance between him doing enough OT to make our holiday affordable whilst also being home enough to pitch in with home life and childcare. That's the win, right there. He's choosing to follow his own plan, however, which takes him further away from family life than is ideal.

I can only speak for myself, but I've never taken out any kind of debt to pay for a holiday, or taken a holiday that totally wiped out all our savings.

When we were skint, this meant all holidays consisted of UK camping, and cooking meals at the campsite rather than eating out. Still had a wonderful time though. (And now we have more money we still go UK camping a lot, but in a campervan and we'll have the odd pub meal.)

@Discovereads

Point taken. I agree it's not the smartest plan. We could definitely have planned this whole thing much better.

Honestly, right now feels like a time to be tightening belts and accruing any savings possible. Spending on things that you can just about scrape to afford does not seem like a good idea.

Cost of living is going up, interest rates are going up, most informed commentary is saying a recession is likely, which will mean companies folding and jobs going..... It's not a time to be 'just about managing'

If it were me, I'd work the medium level of overtime, but put it in savings rather than spend it now. Keep it (and keep saving) until next year when you will hopefully be able to plan something affordable with a financial cushion.