To be annoyed at partner's seeming obsession with money?!

[anonljs]

NC for this.

Title is probably not the best but I don't know how else to express what I'm trying to say, and it honestly feels this way to me...

Partner and I want to book holiday for August. He will need to work some overtime shifts between now and then for us to afford to save for it. We've worked out the minimum number of shifts we need him to work in order to comfortably pay the bills and have extra for holiday - it will include working an extra weekend every month (we have worked out that if he works just one extra weekend plus extends other mid week shifts, we can meet the target we need for holiday). His contracted hours already include EOW, so we only have 2 weekends a month as a family anyway. With the overtime we would have just one weekend a month, but we accepted this as a short term sacrifice for the holiday.

He now wants to work all weekends a month including extending mid week shifts until 9pm in some instances. I also work almost FT hours, so this already adds pressure to me in terms of all childcare falling to me after work until 9pm, on top of losing every weekend of family time for 2 months. I'm not happy with this and I think he's taking it too far. We need some sort of balance. If he does this we won't have a day off together at all in the next 10 weeks until the holiday.

For context, from our approximate calculations, we are talking about the difference between a take home pay of around £2,900 versus £3,300. If he took home the lower amount, added to my salary too, we would still be well on target for holiday plus a little bit extra. I think he's lost sight of the goal and is now just trying to bring home as much as possible, but at the expense of family time and our relationship, which is equally if not more important to me than money.

AIBU??

What's your take-home pay and how are you going to increase it to contribute your share to holiday?

Mine

Ok, so the consequence isn’t losing the holiday, but accruing credit card debt. I’m not sure you can afford the holiday tbh as it seems the plan is to finance the holiday up front with the credit card and all the overtime is to pay off the debt.

@valerianaofficiana

My take home is £2,500. I can't increase it, i have no option to work overtime.

DP's take home before OT is around £1,800. He usually works a baseline amount of OT hours to bump his take home up to about 2,200-2,300 on average. That gives us a balance of family time too. If he wanted to take home the amounts I've quoted in the OP, however, family time is significantly reduced to almost nothing. I accepted this sacrifice to an extent (ie losing a full extra weekend per month plus him working late a number of mid week days). But he's proposing we lose all weekends each month so he bring home the higher amount in my OP. That's where my issue lies. I think this is unnecessary and will impact our family life and the pressure on me at home to an unnecessary degree.

I would honestly book something more affordable, is the desired place some sort of lifelong dream holiday destination for either or both of you ? Sounds like too much pressure for all of you.

That’s how most people afford holidays and big purchases lovely as it would be to save up and have it all in advance that’s just not how life works for the majority of people. my concern is that it’s all in your name OP can you not split it between two cards ?

@Discovereads

Yes that's right, the consequence is effectively that it takes longer to pay off the debt than we would have liked. The plan was always to book on a credit card however as we wanted the protection that comes with.

Not really - just a bog standard family holiday destination! The prices seem really high compared to a few years ago.

I think honestly you need to cancel the big holiday plan - you can't afford it, so don't do it.

Maybe do something super cheap like a weekend in the UK in an air B and B by the seaside that you can easily afford.

Speak to your partner about the overtime. Say you were wrong to suggest weekends away from the family just for the sake of a holiday. Speak to him about finances. Maybe he is panicking about electric bills over winter or something like that? Maybe there are rumours of redundancies at his work? I don't know but he is concerned about money for a reason.

I don't think it's a good idea to put him under pressure to earn more just to afford a luxury. If I were him I'd be pissed off tbh.

Have you pointed out he plan would involve him doing absolutely no parenting and that obviously wasn't acceptable?

and op, he has decided to check out of family life for two months. He might get a taste for it. Why on earth is the credit card going in your name?!

It might be a standard family holiday op , but you can't afford it without exhausting yourselves. Is it really worth it?

I don’t agree most people go into credit card debt for holidays. Yes for necessary large purchases like a new fridge freezer because your current one breaks, or to unexpectedly have to repair your car because you need transport. But no, most people save up for a holiday and even if they use a credit card for various consumer protections or cash back benefits, they usually have the funds saved up for it in advance so the card is paid off in full that month.

Could you go for a cheaper holiday?

@D0lphine

I suggested to him a week in a caravan in the U.K. in Cornwall or South Wales for example only last week - I sent him links to lovely little resorts. He said he'd rather we went abroad and he doesn't want to spend a week in a cramped caravan. It's him who isn't keen on a cheaper U.K. option.

I think you have a choice, either go on a cheaper holiday and share parenting or go on a more expensive holiday and you have to bear the brunt of the parenting. Maybe he’s not happy with just about covering the holiday and wants some money in reserve, either for extras or for the upcoming shitstorm in October when energy prices rise again. That’s not really unreasonable. Either way if I were you I’d be looking at the holiday and working out how to do it more cheaply, if you’re thinking of booking a package for example try Airbnb/ booking.com and separate flights.

Could you look at
October instead

OP, it sounds to me like you've both gone off on one about a holiday you can't quite afford. Only you could afford it - if only he earned slightly more. Like you do. Is it possible that you have (inadvertently) made him feel inadequate and this 'holiday target' has shone a light on the fact he is the lower earner. So now he wants to "show you" as it were by maxing out his earning potential? Even though it means he gets virtually no time at home. But then, he's criticised for not pulling his weight at home. In a sense, he can't win, can he?

I may be off track here, but it just seemed like a possibility, from what you've written?

@druto

We are honestly looking at the cheapest options for a family of 4 in places like Spain/the Balearics etc. We are still looking around £2,800-3k all inclusive. I haven't found anything cheaper. If someone can find me something in this sort of destination for August time for a family of 4 coming in at cheaper than that, I'd be very grateful! 🙂

Yes and absolutely don’t book an expensive holiday on a credit card in your name when you’d be happy with a resort in the uk- madness.

No, his holidays are set by work, he gets no say in them.

When you say you need to save for it is that so you don't touch other savings? How much short would you be with him not working overtime?

I think you need to speak to him again and say 1 - we can't afford an abroad holiday (show him numbers 2 - there is a cost of living crisis / recession on 3 - you want him home on weekends to help with family things.

Make a plan to go abroad august 2023?

Op I totally understand the need to work overtime to afford the extras, with an unfortunate reduction in family time. I'm also in the same position - I have a decent, 'safe' income but no chance of OT so any extras come from DH doing OT.

Dh is a taxi driver. It works brilliantly for us most of the time and he earns well - but he's just spent the whole BH working nights because its just way too lucrative to turn down. His best earning opportunities come from him working weekends, bank Holidays, nights or big events - all the family times. It's a constant juggle between work/life balance but bank Holidays usually win because he'd be mad to turn down that kind of £...but we try and plan as best as we can so that he's off completely at least one or two weekends a month.

However we're putting the extra money he'll take this week as a substantial deposit towards NEXT August's 'big' holiday...and if there's some left we'll do a cheapie camping trip this August.

I agree with a pp, I think you've left it too late for this August. If you need all of the OT money to afford it then one bout of sickness in DH or an unexpected car repair or whatever is going to eat that money and leave you short. It's too much pressure.

@druto

Yes we have a small amount of savings towards a deposit for buying a house. It's not much, a few grand. We don't want to touch that ideally.

We pay childcare for the youngest too so that eats a big chuck each month.

Without him doing any overtime at all, we would "get by" but have hardly any disposable income. He always does some overtime so we have at least a few hundred on top of his baseline salary, that means we are comfortable. To get this holiday paid off ASAP, we've worked out that we need more overtime on top of that. We both agreed to this amount. But what he's proposing is even extra on top of the extra, if that makes sense. Making the situation so that he is barely home.

We won't have even one full day home together in June if we work to his proposal. I think that's going to impact on our relationship and family to the point I'll feel like I'm going on holiday with a stranger by time August arrives!

I'm with @Discovereads .
Much as you may want this holiday OP, you really can't afford it.
It's a very financially precarious way to live as the slightest thing could scupper the payback plan and before you know it a spiralling debt situation occurs.
It just is not worth that risk for a 1 or 2 week holiday.