To be annoyed at partner's seeming obsession with money?!

[anonljs]

NC for this.

Title is probably not the best but I don't know how else to express what I'm trying to say, and it honestly feels this way to me...

Partner and I want to book holiday for August. He will need to work some overtime shifts between now and then for us to afford to save for it. We've worked out the minimum number of shifts we need him to work in order to comfortably pay the bills and have extra for holiday - it will include working an extra weekend every month (we have worked out that if he works just one extra weekend plus extends other mid week shifts, we can meet the target we need for holiday). His contracted hours already include EOW, so we only have 2 weekends a month as a family anyway. With the overtime we would have just one weekend a month, but we accepted this as a short term sacrifice for the holiday.

He now wants to work all weekends a month including extending mid week shifts until 9pm in some instances. I also work almost FT hours, so this already adds pressure to me in terms of all childcare falling to me after work until 9pm, on top of losing every weekend of family time for 2 months. I'm not happy with this and I think he's taking it too far. We need some sort of balance. If he does this we won't have a day off together at all in the next 10 weeks until the holiday.

For context, from our approximate calculations, we are talking about the difference between a take home pay of around £2,900 versus £3,300. If he took home the lower amount, added to my salary too, we would still be well on target for holiday plus a little bit extra. I think he's lost sight of the goal and is now just trying to bring home as much as possible, but at the expense of family time and our relationship, which is equally if not more important to me than money.

AIBU??

So you have a take home pay of about £5,000pm between you and you're still having to put a holiday on a credit card? We earn about half that and we're still having a holiday this year that we've saved up for! How much is your holiday costing? Are you/he overspending in other areas or do you have an enormous mortgage/childcare bill that's eating up a lot of your income?!

Sorry, but this is bonkers. You can't afford this holiday. Having to work all of those extra hours just to be able to afford a holiday is madness.

Sorry just seen you've answered how much the holiday is costing!

Sorry but I think you are being a little bit unreasonable, not for wanting a holiday but for laying out the overtime 'rules' on your terms.
He could say to you that to afford the holiday you had to get an evening job but make sure you only work 2 evenings a week (or whatever...). I don't think you can ask him to bring in more money then criticise him for doing what you asked.

You only have a few grand saved for a house deposit and yet you are looking to spend a few grand on a holiday in two months time that you currently do not have the money for. That doesn't make financial sense.

I would go on a UK break & do the abroad holiday next year.

@AppleBirdBrush

I haven't laid out "rules". That sounds odd and controlling.

We had a two way discussion about it, like adults do in a relationship. We worked out a required minimum amount of money each month to make this affordable and have it paid off within reasonable timeframe, and save holiday spending money. We calculated the difference between that amount and the amount we take home currently, and used that to work out that we need x number of hours of extra overtime on top of the usual overtime.

We both went "ok, that's do able. It takes DP out for the equation for helping at home on x and y days, it takes our family time on that particular weekend, but we will make that sacrifice for the holiday".

Since that discussion, DP has proposed to me that he plans to work extra weekends / evenings on top of those we mutually agreed as per the above discussion.

I'm annoyed because this wasn't the agreement. It leaves me alone with childcare and home life more often than I was comfortable with originally. It's also not strictly necessary to meet our financial needs. So it feels as though DP has taken it to an extreme.

I disagree with most pps. You have a good plan in place that won't over burden your dp work wise and means you will have enough money to cover the holiday without getting into debt. I think he ibu and should stick to said plan. I know what it's like to live week to week but family holidays are important, and as we really don't know what state the world will be in next year, between wars, pandemics and every other shit that can be thrown at us, I think you should go in August as planned.

Sell some things if it's about the money?

If it's not about the money then it's much harder to solve.

@anonljs just have a chat with them point at the bleeding obvious sometimes you have to do that with Men.
oh and I spent six grand on a holiday while saving for a house deposit because you know what sometimes you just have to live at the same time as saving up. we could get hit by a bloody bus tomorrow and then house savings are pretty irrelevant. I still have the house and I have lovely photos of my children with a Disney ears on the house walls.

Fair enough, apologies if I didn't read properly but I hadn't understood you had agreed this together.
Perhaps you need to get the diary out again and book in the weekends for you to spend as a family, if he would be agreeable to that. Perhaps it would help him to see it from your perspective that way.

How many do you have in total?

@MichelleScarn

We have one together, I have two.

This company could be worth a look, OP. I did a generic search for Spain, August for 2 adults, 2 children all inclusive: www.broadwaytravel.com/search-results?mode=holiday&date=2022-08-06&nights=7&paxes=2-2-0%7C5-2&from=ALL-LON&to=1-13-0-0&state=eyJvcmRlckJ5IjoiT1JERVJfQllfTE9XRVNUX1BSSUNFX0FTQyIsIm9mZmVyRGF0ZSI6IjIwMjItMDgtMDQiLCJib2FyZFR5cGVDb2RlcyI6WyJBSSJdLCJob3RlbFR5cGVJZHMiOlsiMiJdLCJpbml0aWFsT2ZmZXJzRGF0ZSI6IjIwMjItMDgtMDYiLCJwYWdlIjoyLCJjaGFuZ2VkT2ZmZXJzIjpbXSwic2VsZWN0ZWRHaWF0YSI6bnVsbCwic2VhcmNoR3VpZCI6ImNhNjIzOTBhLTk4MWQtNDU5OC1hNDBkLWEyMGYyNmMwYzQ3YyJ9

Couple of suggestions OP- don't go all inclusive- the price is absolutely loaded to allow for greedy pigs who do nothing but eat and booze all day and heap 3 or 4 buffet plates up. Book flights (we have 2 in sumner holidays for £385 return to Palma with hold bags and seats- then book a nice apartment or apart hotel off booking.com and pay when you get there. You can then eat out as much or as little as you want, same with drinking and if you don't have quite as much money as you thought you can budget accordingly . Other option is go somewhere like canaries , Turkey, or Crete or Malta in October - both have a longer season and gives you more time to save up rather than cram it all in

I would not work extra hard just to pay for a holiday. To me that would be a waste of hard-earned money and my time. But if someone did somehow manage to persuade me I might, like your husband seems to have done, decide to go the whole hog and earn as much money as I could.

I still wouldn't want to spend it on a holiday - well maybe just a bit of it. The rest I'd spend on other bills or try to save to give us a cushion. You can't really afford this holiday, can you OP?

Two thoughts- will after all that work and your time on childcare will you be too exhausted to appreciate the holiday, and secondly, will his employer come to see his willingness for overtime as some kind of norm and pressure him at other times of year.

I think a more modest holiday would have been the better choice.

@Crikeyalmighty

Thanks I will have a look at booking flights and accommodation separately.

Tell him that won’t work for you because it isn’t fair

@limitedperiodonly

It's DP who is insisting on a holiday abroad and says that he wants to work extra hard to allow for it. My only gripe is he doesn't need to work quite as hard as he's proposing!

@balalake

Yes I do worry about precisely that - that we will both be so exhausted by the time August comes around that we won't actually be able to enjoy ourselves. I think I may also start to feel resentful of how much of the childcare and home life tasks are left to me. And also that DP and I will effectively be strangers having not spent any quality time together in the 2 months prior.

I think this is bonkers too.

A holiday of any type is a luxury that you pay for once you have a good savings buffer in the bank. It is from spare cash.

There is rising inflation, an economy in trouble and you have next to no money in the bank. It is completely reckless to go on holiday in this situation.

Do some nice days out, visit family, live cheaply and save up for a holiday once you have at least 3-6 months income saved as a rainy day fund. Holidays are not necessary and nor in this needless debt/ stress.

So why don't you say you can't afford the holiday as planned and do something else?

If this is your regular take home pay and you can just about afford to pay the minimum credit card amount each month without overtime then you are spending above your means. No wonder he's fucking obsessed with money.

I agree with you OP.

I would be really cross with DH if he decided to work every weekend and leave me with all the childcare unless it was absolutely necessary (and you've explained that this isn't).

As it's him who's keener to go on holiday, surely it's easy for you to put your foot down? Just say you refuse to go on holiday unless he sticks to the planned overtime agreement and no more.