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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think this guy's cocklodging but not sure.

93 replies

Kertrats · 05/06/2022 08:47

My good friend is in her late twenties and divorced with a small child. Her boyfriend is 33. (I'm going to call him John though obviously not his real name) has just moved in with her into her flat.

They met a few years ago and had a fling which he ended.
They've been 'mates' since drinking in the same local (with the occasional sexual encounter no doubt) and she had another casual relationship which ended.

Anyway John's never had a job and never moved out of his mother's house apart from the brief time he moved out and apparently lived in chaos and mess.

About six months ago his mother put pressure on him to move out (don't blame her) so he suggested a trial run of living together with my friend.
Apparently it 'worked out' and he's now moving in full time.

The reason I ask 'is this cocklodgery?' is that I can't see what he's gaining financially from it. Though he only ever goes to the pub once a week so spends little.
My friend also doesn't work but she has an extremely reasonable reason as her child is only two and she is her sole carer. Her child has some mild learning difficulties.
I don't see any reason why John is not working.
Basically they'd still all be on benefits.

What do you think of this situation? I've known her a long time and don't want to see her hurt. I know what I think but don't want to influence any replies.
TIA.

OP posts:
MintyMoocow · 05/06/2022 08:50

You do get childcare for two and a half year olds. Maybe they could both be working?

Assistanttotheregionalmanager · 05/06/2022 08:51

Maybe they have a hidden disability

Original poster
Kertrats · 05/06/2022 08:55

Assistanttotheregionalmanager · 05/06/2022 08:51

Maybe they have a hidden disability

My friend has no hidden disability so that just leaves John. I like the guy but I do find it odd he's still at home at his age with no job.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 05/06/2022 08:57

I would be very wary of this was my friend, has she even asked him outright why he doesn't work? Her benefit entitlement will be effected if he moves in ... has she thought about that? Also surely it is not a good idea to move a man into her home, unless they are in a very secure, serious relationship, when she has a young DC?
Red Flags all round IMO.

Ragwort · 05/06/2022 09:00

It's also well known that (some) men target single mothers to move in with ... he would be gaining a lot from the arrangement... a nice home, no doubt his cooking and washing done .... and sex Hmm

Original poster
Kertrats · 05/06/2022 09:02

@Ragwort do you think he's using her? If so, why.
She's not workshy. Before her divorce her and her ex-dh ran a fairly successful small business. She's an upbeat capable woman. John's a charmer without a job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kertrats · 05/06/2022 09:03

@Ragwort I see I posted too soon as you've already answered my question. Thanks.

OP posts:
MountainClimber22 · 05/06/2022 09:10

He's found a single mum with a home to freeload off. Yanbu I'd be worried too. Bet he expects her to cook for him and do his washing like mummy did.

PriestessofPing · 05/06/2022 09:10

Well his mother has put pressure on him so his choices are get a job and pay to live somewhere or try to claim enough to cover a room in a shared house or something, or move in with your friend it appears.

Has your friend considered that she may need to be reassessed for some benefits if a partner moves in with her? UC credit rules look quite worrying to me if you have an unreliable partner as it looks like the claim is joint and if one person doesn’t meet the requirements they set you can be sanctioned as a couple? Not an expert on UC but that doesn’t seem good to me and if they’ve already had a ‘trial run’ she could get in trouble for not declaring a partner moved in if she hasn’t already.

MountainClimber22 · 05/06/2022 09:11

The reason he is there is purely that his mum wants him out.

ryankbk · 05/06/2022 09:12

This is all I need to read to determine he's either cock lodging or a general red flag that this is not worth pursuing

Anyway John's never had a job and never moved out of his mother's house apart from the brief time he moved out and apparently lived in chaos and mess.

Tulips21 · 05/06/2022 09:14

I would raise your concern with her-
It might be he is unable to work (Disability?)
If not, He has certainly landed on his feet hasn't he!

SunshineAndFizz · 05/06/2022 09:15

Lots of red flags.

If she didn't have a flat would they be together? Doesn't sound like they wouldn't be.

Fancylike · 05/06/2022 09:18

Definitely a cocklodger. I’m guessing he’s not paying her market rent, and she’s doing his dinners and laundry like mummy would. Plus the extra bonus of sex, no doubt.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/06/2022 09:19

Her council tax will go up.
I assume there will also be some impact upon her benefits. Is she actually advising the government that he is living there??

The benefit to him is I assume that he has convinced her that he will go halves on bills and that she should continue to pay the rent with no contribution from him but that she will save money because he will pay half bills. Much cheaper for him that moving into his own place or a share house.

I think it really depends on how they are splitting costs

The comments about the impact on her benefits are a big concern. My understanding is that she will be moved onto UC which pays less and will never be able to move back to what she was on, even if they split.

Id also expect him to contribute significantly to cleaning and cooking. Do you think he will???

Frauhubert · 05/06/2022 09:20

‘They both drink in the same local’. Lovely pair

Original poster
Kertrats · 05/06/2022 09:23

There's two things that makes me think his intentions are less than 'pure'.

Firstly, they have a fling which he breaks off but remain in a vague fwb arrangement.
Now all of a sudden they're in a relationship.

Secondly, this relationship conveniently coincides with his mother making his life difficult in her home.

I have not referenced his unemployment status and his living at home at his age.
These things would put me off a guy but not the point IYSWIM.

OP posts:
DDivaStar · 05/06/2022 09:24

I would certainly check in with your friend. Make sure they've informed her benefits and that it won't effect ger more than the rent he is contributing. Also that she's not letting him take advantage and is pulling his weight in the house.

At the end of the day its her decision, but make it clear your an understanding ear if she ever wants to chat about anything.

Him not working isn't great but their could be reasons you don't know about and if this is the case living with his mother may have made sense.

Original poster
Kertrats · 05/06/2022 09:27

@Rainbowqueeen Lol. I think he'll do just what he did at his mother's house: play video games, pursue his hobbies and not much else.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 05/06/2022 09:28

Frauhubert · 05/06/2022 09:20

‘They both drink in the same local’. Lovely pair

😂
Peak Mumsnet.

Enlighten us all @Frauhubert - what exactly are you collapsing onto the fainting couch about? That adults drink in pubs, & ... have friends who meet them there?

Izzabellasasperella · 05/06/2022 09:28

Sounds like he's moving from one Mum to another.
Although to be fair it's early days. He could pull his weight around the house, help out with childcare to give your friend a break and be good company for her.
Or he could be a massive Cocklodger😀

KettrickenSmiled · 05/06/2022 09:30

So ... she's facing a 25% hike in council tax, loss of single-person benefits, increased utility bills, probably double food costs ...for what? How much is John going to be contributing from his princely non-working income?

anotherbrewplease · 05/06/2022 09:32

I'm thinking you need to mind your own business.

You can point out all the red flags you like to your friend but at the end of the day - she's an adult and can make her own decisions and mistakes. And she's unlikely to listen to you.

Love is blind and all that

KettrickenSmiled · 05/06/2022 09:32

Also, why is she moving this workshy dumped-by-his-mum man into her small child's home?

Of course he's using her. She's a fool.

Bollindger · 05/06/2022 09:32

Be a friend, lend an ear, but do not intervene.
Your friend feels something for this man.
Therefore sexual attraction will win, in the short term.
She will see him for who he is very shortly, and you don't want to be the messenger who gets shot.
I might ask her to remember to sort out protection, so she doesn't accidentally get pregnant.