I think this guy's cocklodging but not sure.

[Kertrats]

My good friend is in her late twenties and divorced with a small child. Her boyfriend is 33. (I'm going to call him John though obviously not his real name) has just moved in with her into her flat.

They met a few years ago and had a fling which he ended.
They've been 'mates' since drinking in the same local (with the occasional sexual encounter no doubt) and she had another casual relationship which ended.

Anyway John's never had a job and never moved out of his mother's house apart from the brief time he moved out and apparently lived in chaos and mess.

About six months ago his mother put pressure on him to move out (don't blame her) so he suggested a trial run of living together with my friend.
Apparently it 'worked out' and he's now moving in full time.

The reason I ask 'is this cocklodgery?' is that I can't see what he's gaining financially from it. Though he only ever goes to the pub once a week so spends little.
My friend also doesn't work but she has an extremely reasonable reason as her child is only two and she is her sole carer. Her child has some mild learning difficulties.
I don't see any reason why John is not working.
Basically they'd still all be on benefits.

What do you think of this situation? I've known her a long time and don't want to see her hurt. I know what I think but don't want to influence any replies.
TIA.

Dear Lord, that was quick. 🙄

What's so wrong in principle that two people who live locally would go to the same pub?!

Well it doesnt look good really does it.Problem is if you bring up your concerns she may shoot the messenger! Surely she is putting her benefits at risk too?

I suppose he's not gaining much financially but is gaining a replacement mother?

Maybe he has got a hidden disability but that doesn't mean he can't be a manipulative person who is using my friend.
What could that disability be though?
I ask but it's not really relevant. Just curious.

He's benefitting financially by not paying for his own housing, unless he's paying her some rent?

Valid concerns OP, could well be a cocklodger.

Be a friend, lend an ear, but do not intervene.

Your friend feels something for this man.
Therefore sexual attraction will win, in the short term.
She will see him for who he is very shortly, and you don't want to be the messenger who gets shot.
I might ask her to remember to sort out protection, so she doesn't accidentally get pregnant.

I agree.

He is a cock lodger.

Its not just financial but I’m sure he will benefit financially, he’ll also probably get his meals cooked, washing done etc and there’ll be no pressure to get a job.

I think it’s awful when parents move their new partners in on a whim but I wouldn’t say anything as this could actually benefit your friend if he’s going to help her around the house (I doubt it).

The only thing I might mention is if she’s worried if it doesn’t work where he would go as it sounds like his mum wouldn’t let him back.

Clearly John is only moving in because his mum wants him out. He isn't making any lifetime commitment beyond letting her wash his pants and service his needs.

You could mention to your friend that it'll affect her benefits, but John may have already pre-empted this by offering to keep using his mum's address, so nobody official needs to know 😬

The kicker for me would be your friend's child, who could be quite disrupted by John moving in. What's the chances that the child's needs become secondary to John's wishes?

So he has moved from one mother to another.

your friend is a full time mum. She is able to do that I assume because her ex pays child support (as he should) so she will have a standard of living that this man can benefit from.

it is entirely up to her, but bringing this man into her home takes resources away from her daughter. He can’t possibly contribute enough to cover all his costs.

They are also a workless household, which doesn’t create a great example for the child.

He's benefitting rather than gaining.
He may not be getting extra cash (although she may be giving him money)
But he was told to leave his mum's.
He would have had to pay his rent, bills, food, etc do the cooking, cleaning and so on.

By moving in with your friend, he has a roof over his head.

Does he pay rent? Contribute to bills? Buy food? Cook? Clean? Shop?
Or does he just live off her? A cocklodger. His contribution to the household is the sex.

How on earth women can find such men attractive is beyond me.

It sounds like a fairly dysfunctional set-up all round, to be honest. But your friend is an adult and can make her own choices. Presumably she feels she gets something out of having ‘John’ in the house, even if it’s just another adult to talk to after her child’s gone to bed. I completely see why you’re concerned but I also think it’s up to your friend to choose who she lives with.

Lives with mum, 33, never had a job. Sounds like a bargain. Bet his mum can't believe her luck.

I bet him mum is raging. She did this assuming he would have to grow up and find a job. He just found another mum to take care of him!!!!

Cocklodger

his gain is having somewhere to live that isn’t costing him anything and getting another woman to look after him while his mummy apparently won’t.

really don’t understand the appeal of someone who has chosen to never work or leave home. It must be like dating an overgrown teenager.

If your friend is happy, why can't you be happy for her?

Are you single and jealous?

And?

Jealous! Hahahahaha! 😂

My cousin had an arrangement like this that worked out quite well so that basically she used him for childcare so that she was able to work and study and somebody picked up her children from school every day. I have absolutely no doubt that they did care about each other and on paper yes it did look like he was cocklodging. As long as it’s mutually beneficial I guess it works.

Does that not jeopardise her lone parent allowance?

I imagine it's the same in the UK but in Ireland that that would fuck up her lone parent agreements. Having a man living at same address! Not allowed.

Unless he's a lodger paying rent, and she could prove it and even then that might still lower what she gets in LP allowance. seems like it's not worth it to me.

Oh please. what a comment. I say this as somebody who was at one point the single parent to two small children and I was trapped at home on benefits with one of my DC needing extra care because of his sn. If a man had moved in to that equation, everybody who knew me would have been CONCERNED.

A MAN, a random man thrown in to a low point in your life is not a white knight, and tbh white knights have their own dysfunction.

Stay healthy, stay positive, save what you can, plan for the future, get a job when you can and be your own man. To quote cher. Kind of.

@Mellowyellow222 yeah actually she is. She apparently begged him not to move in with my friend.
So that makes me think he really does like her?
Unless mummy would still want him out regardless and John has no option but to go somewhere? John's said she started making things difficult for him.

Don't get me wrong, if they simply met and started dating and he moved in I would not necessarily think he's cocklodging. Not a great scenario all the same, though.

BUT...
They were in a vague fwb type arrangement until mother wants him out.
That's what makes me think he's using my friend.

Think you're posting in the wrong thread.

@Kertrats so why don’t you visit go round there get the lay of the land and see what Jon actually does because in my cousins case I would have the door open to me by Steve who would be cook in the kids tea, making me a cup of tea, making my cousin a cup of tea and often be running a hoover around the house at the same time.

Unless mummy would still want him out regardless and John has no option but to go somewhere? John's said she started making things difficult for him.

Only a cocklodger describes his mother's end-of-her-tether eviction of him as her making things difficult for him.

The entitlement is off the scale.
He is looking forward to playing video games all day on your friend's dime.