I think this guy's cocklodging but not sure.

[Kertrats]

My good friend is in her late twenties and divorced with a small child. Her boyfriend is 33. (I'm going to call him John though obviously not his real name) has just moved in with her into her flat.

They met a few years ago and had a fling which he ended.
They've been 'mates' since drinking in the same local (with the occasional sexual encounter no doubt) and she had another casual relationship which ended.

Anyway John's never had a job and never moved out of his mother's house apart from the brief time he moved out and apparently lived in chaos and mess.

About six months ago his mother put pressure on him to move out (don't blame her) so he suggested a trial run of living together with my friend.
Apparently it 'worked out' and he's now moving in full time.

The reason I ask 'is this cocklodgery?' is that I can't see what he's gaining financially from it. Though he only ever goes to the pub once a week so spends little.
My friend also doesn't work but she has an extremely reasonable reason as her child is only two and she is her sole carer. Her child has some mild learning difficulties.
I don't see any reason why John is not working.
Basically they'd still all be on benefits.

What do you think of this situation? I've known her a long time and don't want to see her hurt. I know what I think but don't want to influence any replies.
TIA.

@KettrickenSmiled I'm no expert on the benefits system but given the scenario how would either be benefitting financially?
They're going to be upfront about him moving in to the DWP.
Sorry I don't expect you to know either just pointing this out.
In any case he doesn't actually spend that much.
I think he's just found someone to care for him.
He'll do eff all that's for sure apart from playing video games with her child which will be some help I suppose.

Not the point of the post but some 2 year olds from low income families or if they get DLA for their disability (middle rate care or higher) get 15 free hours childcare a week. Your friend should be encouraged to look into it so she can have a break from her caring responsibilities or find a part time job.

They met a few years ago and had a fling which he ended

And she has a 2.6yo

How long before her marriage was she involved with him?
Is there any chance he thinks he's the Dad?

Oops child is 2yo

So his mum wanted to chuck him out and , quelle suprise, he thought it would be a good time to give living together a go. It's a win win for him. Another woman to wait on him and support him with sex throw in.

What a waste of space.

How does support herself if she’s not working. Sounds like both are being put up by the taxpayer. She’s not as vulnerable as you make her out to be.

Is she in rented or own her property?
if owned that would be my concern.

I'm confused as to what you don't see he is gaining financially? Is your friend in a flat? Therefore he's found someone else instead of his mum to put him up, as your friend was already living there so tenancy etc in her name, if she's not working then benefits are paying her rent etc, what has he not gained?!
Well yeah unless he has some reason he can't work fully or partly, then yes he should be getting a job. I don't see what benefit he can be getting where he wouldn't be expected to be looking for work.

Yes there is childcare for 2 year olds in the UK as we know. But that is only 15 hrs a week, so I don't know why people pretend like that is massive in terms of what work you can get, and if you do more hours you need to top up the childcare which is all well and good then saying oh but you get help with that too, you have to pay up first, you lose benefit for wages and still not a lot better off if at all. Then you get clever answers like do you expect to be rewarded for having a child or working, not particularly but again neither should all of those people who I grew up around, should have been allowed a life long allowance of Income Support and Housing Benefit etc etc. Then I hear 'oh well that was the government's fault for allowing that' but when it's single mother's it's oh it's you who is in the wrong, get lost!

They both need to get a job.

did he go to college or uni, a man with no ambition in life is very unattractive.

Not to everyone clearly 🙄
Perhaps she wants another child ?
My understanding is there’s no pressure on parents to start looking for work with children under the age of five so if she can have another one that gives her seven years at home with the child with additional needs who probably needs the support.

I'm no expert on the benefits system but given the scenario how would either be benefitting financially?

From living rent-free & - pardon my cynicism - living like a teenager & not offering to contribute to bills & food.

I think you are making the mistake of assuming that there's no "benefit" to John because he's bot currently paying his own way. But unless his mother is making empty threats, he's soon going to be homeless. So a nice warm house, your friend's bed & no doubt tender care of him, while he plays games & contributes fuck-all - that's HIM benefitting.

Your friend, otoh, will be losing a significant portion of income, while her costs go up.

What does she see in him? Has she always had form for bad judgement? Does she not see the coincidence of his mother kicking him out and cock lodging? Not attractive.

So why isn't your friend working now?

A two year old isn't an excuse for not working. Is she independently wealthy? Or is her ex-husband supporting her and their child?

Agreed.

Maybe if he's around to help a bit with childcare she could restart the successful business and possibly provide a job for them both?

Has she seen how much worse off she will be if he moves in and is he going to fund the difference?

His mum probably kicked him out to force him to stand on his own two feet and not to find a replacement mum.

Coming to think of it he went along with her to the appointment where her child was assessed for the condition she has.
My friend would probably have pointed out that it would bring more money into the home.
If it does that is. Just assuming it would. Ex - dh works too so assuming money coming in in terms of child support.
She's besotted by him, but the consensus is he's using her.

Nothing I can do until the rose-tinted specs come off.
He did go to uni in late 20s but dropped out. I think this is when mummy lost patience.
He's not obviously creepy. He's quite a polite charming guy. Nice looking, too but hey facts are facts and he's an A1 creep.
Thanks all. I know now what to expect.

This
He has found himself a new mummy.

Maybe your friend is lonely, likes his company and he is nice to her. Neither work so hours to fill each day. Maybe he is good with her LO. Maybe the sex is good.

You say he is nice, polite, charming and good looking - perhaps there is the answer you are seeking. Everyone doesn't fit into your neat little boxes of how relationships should be or people should live?

he suggested a trial run of living together with my friend.Apparently it 'worked out' and he's now moving in full time

He's been living with her for 6 months? Her benefits may already have been affected and she's fine with that ?

I think leave her to get on with it . She's your friend , be there to pick up the bits if she needs you but don't interfere .

Her DC will hopefully not be confused by this new bloke in their life
Your friend will no doubt have read news reports about vunerable children and the parent's new partner (not always a male)

Be there for her but don't be a mug , you might be their on call babysitter when they want to go to the Pub.

I think I’d be warning your friend about the effect on her benefits if this man moves in. If he’s not working there will need to be a whole reassessment of their joint entitlement, otherwise it’s benefit fraud - especially if her rent/council tax is being paid because any income/ benefit entitlement of his will affect that. Beyond that, I don’t think there’s much you can do to change things - just be on hand as a friend if/when things go south.

Yeah I sort of get where you're coming from here but it's really funny how his deciding to have a relationship with her coincides with the point his mother is chucking him out, isn't it?

Apologies if I've missed it, but what are the arrrangements for paying for rent, and for household expenses (utilities, food, etc.)? The only way John is not gaining financially from it is if it's costing him roughly the same as it would cost him to live in a similar flat with a roommate. (I realise that's hard to compare, as a couple can share a bedroom and roommates likely would not, but you can still get a rough idea). Even if your friend owns the flat outright and wouldn't otherwise have a roommate, lodger etc. and therefore doesn't want to charge John rent, he could pay his way by contributing more for the other costs). If he IS paying his share - let's say from an inheritance or from benefits - and doing at least his share around the house, then his not working/having a job is a separate issue and doesn't make him a cocklodger.

You'd need more knowledge about the guy to gauge it.

But I agree with PP it's worrying that she would move someone into her house that quickly when she has a young child. It's certainly not something I would do.

Of course he is. At the same time his mum gets rid of him he suddenly realised your friend was the love of his life. All you can do is point out how strange the timing was, tell her that her benefits are going to be affected and ask if he is going to make up the shortfall. At the moment she won’t listen to the hard facts, she will be far to dickmatised at the moment. Soon she will see, but it is not your business.