Dh didn’t invite me to boss’s wedding

[Dontgiveascoobyaboutthejubille]

Is that weird?

Dh comes home from work today, sits down and mentions in casual conversation that it’s his boss’s wedding reception on Friday night and he’d forgotten until reminded today.
I knew his boss had recently got engaged but had no idea when the wedding was or that he’d been invited, he never said.
I asked ‘Oh were we not invited?’ Meaning myself and Dd, 4, he said that of course we all were but he was thinking because she’s in bed at 7pm it wouldn’t work…so he’s planned to go himself.
I asked how he was getting there and back, he said maybe an Uber or I could drop him, I muttered ‘Charming’ and he went nuts at me, saying he didn’t understand what was wrong with me 🤷🏻‍♀️
Aibu to feel a bit weird that I had no idea about and he didn’t actually invite/ask me if I actually wanted to go? Plus then having to drive him all the way there and drop him off

Exactly. Colleagues’ weddings have always been a day / evening out with colleagues. The only time a spouse was invited was when it was just two colleagues that were invited, and in both those cases, the bride knew their spouses too.

I too, join you at the ‘cynical as fuck’ table. It was my first thought.

YABU but not about not wanting to take him there. I think that's fine, and he can get an uber.

I wouldn't really think to go because I wouldn't know anyone, unless you socialise with them anyway.

But if you want to go, it should be fine.

The weird bit is him kicking off? Why?

Absolutely normal to go to a colleague's evening reception without a partner, in my world. A plus one might be put on the invitation, but everyone would understand it to be a politeness and on the event none of the partners would be there.

Obviously different if invited to the full wedding, but the evening is just a party, and the group of colleagues would be incredibly boring company for any partner who insisted on attending..

Obviously if you live in a country other than the UK, I can't speak for what might happen there.

In the UK I would think it a bit strange that an evening invite was extended to partners of work colleagues really, and very strange for kids to be included. If DH is very senior or a close friend or mentee of his boss it would be less odd, but then I'd probably expect a day invite.

You have a 4 yr old DD - are you a SAHM at the moment? I know I felt really left out of things when I was at home with the kids a lot and would have bitterly resented not getting to go out to a party - even though before kids attending most of my partner's work related events was not something I looked forward to at all. My DH did not understand this at all even after I'd told him very bluntly, though he did start asking me along.

@Dontgiveascoobyaboutthejubille Dontgiveascoobyaboutthejubille · Today 19:40

I mean, I don’t *Want to go really but would’ve been nice to have been asked!

I think that covers it. He knew it was impractical and you didn't really want to go. He made a reasonable decision on your behalf. He knows you. This is good.

But, obviously, it would have been much better if he had communicated this to you when he first knew. You could have discussed it and decided together. Not an unreasonable ask on your behalf.

@NumberTheory I am, perhaps it that. Just the not even mentioning/asking 🤷🏻‍♀️and yes, looking like a other Friday night of doing bedtimes etc 🙄

he went nuts at me, saying he didn’t understand what was wrong with me

This is not acceptable and I'd be concerned that we weren't on the same page at all. Does he often 'go nuts' at you? This isn't how an adult behaves.

I don’t want to go and def wouldn’t take Dd..but why not mention it/at least ask me?

Maybe that’s why he didn’t mention it because he knew you won’t want to go.

I’m really surprised he had a plus one tbh as the numbers would soon add up if they’re inviting everyone from both of their works as well as friends and family.
So maybe you weren’t actually invited but he thought you might get annoyed that you weren’t invited.

I went to a colleagues wedding and after do recently.
There was no plus one but even if there was none of us would have probably invited anyone as it’s a work thing and I think it’s much more difficult to socialise with your work colleagues when you have a plus one to keep talking to.

Here in Ireland people would invite partners to the wedding or after function.

If the boss has invited you, yes that’s really odd.

I think it’s normal for colleagues to go solo to the evening celebration when not invited to the day part.

His failure to tell you about it in good time followed by his “going nuts” when he eventually mentioned it, could indicate a guilty conscience though. It’s as if he didn’t want you to have much time to engage a babysitter and then got rattled when you (reasonably) asked questions about the event. I may be wrong and I hope I am. Sometimes it’s too easy to be cynical.

I would be inclined to say that you’d actually like to go and will arrange a sitter. His reaction will be telling.

Sorry but my first reaction was that he doesn't want you to go. He's left it to the last minute because it makes it very difficult for you to get a babysitter thus reducing the chance of you being able to come.

Yes he may want to go by himself and have a laugh with work colleagues without having to worry about you however he hadn't said that has he? There is of course also the potential that he doesn't want you there because he has had his head turned.

Just a strange reaction I think,

That does make sense. I had people from my work at my wedding reception and they came as a group together without any partners, anyone that I did not know. So I guess that makes sense.

Unless you know his boss? Do you know his boss? Have you met him? Spoken to him?

Also, when DH got invited to the wedding/or just reception?? did the boss not specify who was invited? "you and the family come" or was it "you lot from work come"

?

Inviting your employees spouse and kid would be insane, unless you are close to his boss?

How did he ‘go nuts’ at you? Does he behave like that often?

I'd be at the table with you both, I've watched this happen in 2 workplaces .

odd not to have even mentioned it and then deciding youre not going

Let's suppose for the moment that the H has had his "head turned". What difference is it going to make if OP insists on going? It's not going to scare him straight - if he's decided to cross those lines, he'll cross them. All insisting on going because you're suspicious of him will do is 1) piss him off, if he's actually innocent or 2) give him a "legitimate" reason to be annoyed at OP and go behind her back in future. Also you've wasted the cost of a babysitter when you could have used it on doing something fun together.

You don't really want to go, he doesn't want you to go, I'll wager a bushel of apples his boss doesn't want you to go. Where's the percentage in going? If you feel lonely and excluded as a SAHM, that's a legitimate issue to address with him, but don't make this wedding the hill you die on about it. Arrange another night out that's actually fun for you both.

If he decided you wouldn’t be able to go because your child is in bed at 7.00pm, how does he expect you to be able to drive him to an evening reception?

I’ve only gone to one colleague wedding, I left partner at home with our DS (pre other two DS’s). I didn’t even ask the bride who invited me if I could bring my partner or DS as I thought my DS would probably get bored and it was easier for my partner to spend the day/evening with him at home. Plus my partner had zero interest in attending as he’d only met the bride and groom once, so seemed totally pointless to arrange a sitter for DS when he didn’t even want to go.

I guess it depends how well you know the boss? Idk I wouldn’t be mad about it personally, but then I have no interest in socialising with my partners work colleagues really nor him with mine!

So if other colleagues are going and no-one else is taking their partner along then I completely get it, but I would expect him to explain this and I would have no issue with it. If other colleagues, even just some are taking partners then I would find it really odd and also upsetting that OH isn’t and also being reactive about it.

It may be that taken-for-granted feeling -

He's at work talking to all these other adults and getting invites to things and being able to just be. You're at home, hardly speak to another adult all day, get invited to nothing that isn't related to DD and can't ever make plans without arranging who is going to look after her.

He waltzes in tells you he's going out. It doesn't occur to him that in doing this he's abandoning you to more hours of drudgery without support and adult company. He assumes he can just go because you will look after DD. Doesn't occur to him that a Friday night with him may be a highlight that you look forward to. Not only does that not occur to him, but a Friday night in with you does not seem to be a highlight for him.

He has options. You don't.

I may be projecting, so only take from this what you see for yourself. But if this is close to the mark, I urge you to make some changes quickly. This sort of feeling breeds resentment and without tackling it, it sets you up for an ongoing unhealthy dynamic. It isn't just about his behaviour - it's about you both falling into well trodden roles that don't serve either of you well in the today's world.

Point is he didnt tell you about the invite...then just tells you he decided you wouldnt be able to go because of your child....but you could run him there....that is what would have pissed me off. If he had been upfront initially and said we are all invited...but none of us at work are taking partners...then thats different... and to get angry at you because you werent delighted to be giving him a lift??? really?

He got angry because I muttered ‘Charming’ he didn’t see why it would be a problem to drive him there.

@LumpyandBumps It starts at 6.30, so I’d have to drop then straight home to bed

I don’t know the boss well and have never met his fiancée, but if it was me and say ‘And partner’ to people