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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed SS has been invited

78 replies

curant · 02/06/2022 19:06

This is more AIBU on dd's behalf

Dd has been invited somewhere by a friend of ours who has a dd same age (10) dh asked ss, a teen (14) if he wanted to come which he said yes to.

This wasn't our day to have him it was a random invite due to it being half term.

Dd is now really upset as she said ss will ruin it by teasing them and generally annoying them the whole time, it's not the sort of activity where they can all go off, they will be together for the duration. Ss does have a tendency to do this, obviously he is a boy, a teen etc etc its what they do. But dd is annoyed that he is essentially crashing her playdate. Also i have to say she has only voiced this to me privately, she wouldn't say it to him as wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. In case anyone thinks she is spoiled, she isn't at all.

I personally have said its ok i will just tell him beforehand that he isn't allowed to mess around with you both. But of course i do understand where she is coming from, if ss and his friend arranged a playdate and i just told them dd was coming without asking they wouldnt like it.

If anything the part i am more concerned about is dh not asking our friend if it's ok if he comes as he will be looking after them. But its dh's friend and he says its fine.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 02/06/2022 19:09

YANBU - even without the behaviour issues, there's a big gap between 10 and 14 year olds in terms of interests and maturity, so why did your DH invite him?

Original poster
curant · 02/06/2022 19:13

@VimFuego101 I guess just because he doesn't want him to miss out on fun, which i understand as a parent

Yes i agree, the age different isn't great!

I was shocked ss even wanted to go to be honest!

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 02/06/2022 19:16

What's the activity?

bridgetreilly · 02/06/2022 19:16

Yup, I would be annoyed about this. DH needs to understand that when it’s an event a full brother wouldn’t be included in, the stepbrother doesn’t need to be invited. It’s not like a family occasion.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 02/06/2022 19:17

Would DD be willing to tell her dad that she doesn't want him there? It's really shit of him to just bulldoze the plans. I was contrary at that age and just wouldn't have gone myself, but that's not fair on her either.

DPotter · 02/06/2022 19:20

Totally get where your DD is coming from. Have you explained this to your DH ? If you haven't you should. You should also tell him you expect him to talk to the son about his behaviour with the girls

And whilst you're telling him, ask him why he did invite his son along to a girly playdate.

I would also be contacting the friend who has issued the invitation to check - they may need to make sure there's enough food etc. It really is rude to turn up with an extra mouth to fed / body to entertain. Don't expect your DH to. Do it yourself. I'd be willing to bet good money that DH's friend has issues the invitation but their partner is doing the organising.

Comedycook · 02/06/2022 19:20

I'm amazed he wants to go. My DC are similar ages....Wild horses wouldn't drag my ds14 to a day out with his younger sister (age 11)and her friends!

Hardbackwriter · 02/06/2022 19:20

Is DH going too? If not then it was a really weird thing to do.

funinthesun19 · 02/06/2022 19:30

Yanbu. Your DD should be able to do things on her own without him. Even if he didn’t tease them and annoy them, maybe she just doesn’t want him there anyway on a trip made with her and her friend in mind.

girlmom21 · 02/06/2022 19:31

Did DH ok it with the friends parent for SS to go too? It's weird to invite his other child to your DDs play date.

playtest12 · 02/06/2022 19:32

Pretty rude of him to invite SS along to something DD had been invited to by someone else.

Is DH going too? If so I'd put him in charge of SS.

Penguinsaregreat · 02/06/2022 19:32

Why can’t dd tell her dad she doesn’t want her half brother there?
It’s not ok in my book. Does your dh insist dd tags along with ss and his friends?

LakeTiticaca · 02/06/2022 19:34

Why would a 14 year old boy want to hang around with 2 10 year old girls?
Age 10 I would have refused to have anything to do with teenage (or any age) boys.
Your DH has been a dick and he needs telling so

Original poster
curant · 02/06/2022 19:34

Dh is going too yes. I did tell him on her behalf (she wouldn't feel comfortable telling him as doesn't want ss to feel unwanted) he said he had already invited ss over (news to me) so not letting him go to this wouldn't have been fair.
In other words doesn't seem to see what the issue is.
I guess some people are oblivious, i wouldn't be able to just invite my child or myself to anything regardless of who was going.

OP posts:
Original poster
curant · 02/06/2022 19:35

LakeTiticaca · 02/06/2022 19:34

Why would a 14 year old boy want to hang around with 2 10 year old girls?
Age 10 I would have refused to have anything to do with teenage (or any age) boys.
Your DH has been a dick and he needs telling so

It's a sort of unisex activity that would be fun for all really, but yes i thought there was no way he would want to even if it was fun!

OP posts:
Hiphophippityskip1 · 02/06/2022 19:37

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

greatblueheron · 02/06/2022 19:38

I would make it very clear that he needs to keep SS entertained all day as the girls will want to do their own thing and didn't ask for their playdate to be crashed by a teenage boy who will pick on and annoy them.

Or, perhaps DH could invite one of SS's friends to come, too, with strict instructions that they do their own thing and leave the girls alone or they will be sitting in the car for the rest of the event. With him (for causing the problem in the first place).

Dillydollydingdong · 02/06/2022 19:38

Tell dh he has to make sure that ss behaves himself ie he has to supervise, not just sit around playing on hisPhone.

Wor · 02/06/2022 19:42

Your DH is a total dick for inviting his son to crash the playdate of his ten year old daughter. Particularly as the invitation was from the other girl!

Imagine if DS14 had a girlfriend and the girlfriend invitied him to the cinema and you said what a lovely idea I’ll bring DD10 too. That’s exactly what’s happened here, but in reverse.

I’d be putting my foot down and telling DH he can take DS around the attraction seperately but that they are not allowed to join DD and her friend.

Sounds like DH rules the roost, he must be incredibly over-confident in his dominance of the family to have even issued the invite, my DH would never do that without checking with me first.

Keep an eye out for other incidences of your DH unreasonably dominating your DD, I suspect there will be many.

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 02/06/2022 19:44

curant · 02/06/2022 19:34

Dh is going too yes. I did tell him on her behalf (she wouldn't feel comfortable telling him as doesn't want ss to feel unwanted) he said he had already invited ss over (news to me) so not letting him go to this wouldn't have been fair.
In other words doesn't seem to see what the issue is.
I guess some people are oblivious, i wouldn't be able to just invite my child or myself to anything regardless of who was going.

So your DH had already invited SS over before the playdate was arranged.
And it sounds as though DH's friend organised the playdate and the dads are taking the DCs? That is a different scenario from your SS crashing your DD's playdate.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 02/06/2022 19:47

curant · 02/06/2022 19:34

Dh is going too yes. I did tell him on her behalf (she wouldn't feel comfortable telling him as doesn't want ss to feel unwanted) he said he had already invited ss over (news to me) so not letting him go to this wouldn't have been fair.
In other words doesn't seem to see what the issue is.
I guess some people are oblivious, i wouldn't be able to just invite my child or myself to anything regardless of who was going.

That's a bit different from your OP. It doesn't seem like he is really gatecrashing anything.

IncompleteSenten · 02/06/2022 19:47

It's really rude to tag along to something you weren't invited to.
I'd rearrange tbh.

AskingforaBaskin · 02/06/2022 19:49

Can you uninvite DH?

I'd not I would discipline SS imprint of everyone the first time he bothers the girls.

This is something that should be zero tolerance.

If he can't be nice to the girls and act decently declare that as he behaves like a toddler he will have to stay right next to you and DH all day.

Hell I would warn both him and DH of that now and see if they decide he should back out

Hardbackwriter · 02/06/2022 19:50

curant · 02/06/2022 19:34

Dh is going too yes. I did tell him on her behalf (she wouldn't feel comfortable telling him as doesn't want ss to feel unwanted) he said he had already invited ss over (news to me) so not letting him go to this wouldn't have been fair.
In other words doesn't seem to see what the issue is.
I guess some people are oblivious, i wouldn't be able to just invite my child or myself to anything regardless of who was going.

Hmm, that's quite different though, then - because you said that this is DH's friend. If you invite a friend with two children to an activity it isn't that weird or unexpected for both of them to come, even if only one of them 'matches' your children in age.

Mellowyellow222 · 02/06/2022 19:51

I’m not sure I agree with the majority of posters.

is your step son your daughters half brother? Has he been in her life since birth?

if so then lots of kids have to spend time with their annoying brothers and sisters. If this is a recent marriage I would say it’s unfair to hoist new step siblings onto each other.

but if your husband and his mate have arranged to take their kids out for the day - your husband seems entitled to take both his kids.

however; I am surprised the 14 year old wants to go - maybe he things he will be hanging with the dads and not the girls?