To be annoyed SS has been invited

[curant]

This is more AIBU on dd's behalf

Dd has been invited somewhere by a friend of ours who has a dd same age (10) dh asked ss, a teen (14) if he wanted to come which he said yes to.

This wasn't our day to have him it was a random invite due to it being half term.

Dd is now really upset as she said ss will ruin it by teasing them and generally annoying them the whole time, it's not the sort of activity where they can all go off, they will be together for the duration. Ss does have a tendency to do this, obviously he is a boy, a teen etc etc its what they do. But dd is annoyed that he is essentially crashing her playdate. Also i have to say she has only voiced this to me privately, she wouldn't say it to him as wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. In case anyone thinks she is spoiled, she isn't at all.

I personally have said its ok i will just tell him beforehand that he isn't allowed to mess around with you both. But of course i do understand where she is coming from, if ss and his friend arranged a playdate and i just told them dd was coming without asking they wouldnt like it.

If anything the part i am more concerned about is dh not asking our friend if it's ok if he comes as he will be looking after them. But its dh's friend and he says its fine.

Thoughts?

DH inviting himself and SS without consulting you and the other girl's mum is entitled behaviour. Why does he think it's okay to gatecrash something you've arranged with other people? And SS teasing his younger stepsister to such an extent she anticipates him ruining a day out with a friend is worrying. The more so that you just dismiss it with "obviously he is a boy, a teen etc etc its what they do". Why hasn't he been pulled up on this so sharply it isn't something any of you anticipate?

I think you need to bring this up to your DH in very clear terms as being unacceptable - that he's made a day out that should have been a treat for your DD into something she is no longer looking forward to. That's both because SS is frequently allowed to be a wanker towards her and because he didn't think that it being just the two friends was of any importance to them at all.

You may also want to consider if there may be a significant amount of sexism and gendered expectations in your family that are negatively impacting your DD (and probably you too). Because these both indicate a family dynamic where the males do whatever and the females put up with it. Maybe it isn't, MN posts are just a snapshot, but it did kind of shine out of your post that the people who are made happy are the men and the people who are expected to put up and shut up are the women.

I wouldn't want my 10 year old daughter going on a playdate with a female friend aged 10, with a 14 year old boy there. I remember being trapped by a friend's older sibling and asked to do something I didn't want to do. I would have said it's not fair on the friend never mind my daughter and told DH he can't come.

4 years apart, and theyre (step) siblings

They're half siblings