To be annoyed SS has been invited

[curant]

This is more AIBU on dd's behalf

Dd has been invited somewhere by a friend of ours who has a dd same age (10) dh asked ss, a teen (14) if he wanted to come which he said yes to.

This wasn't our day to have him it was a random invite due to it being half term.

Dd is now really upset as she said ss will ruin it by teasing them and generally annoying them the whole time, it's not the sort of activity where they can all go off, they will be together for the duration. Ss does have a tendency to do this, obviously he is a boy, a teen etc etc its what they do. But dd is annoyed that he is essentially crashing her playdate. Also i have to say she has only voiced this to me privately, she wouldn't say it to him as wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. In case anyone thinks she is spoiled, she isn't at all.

I personally have said its ok i will just tell him beforehand that he isn't allowed to mess around with you both. But of course i do understand where she is coming from, if ss and his friend arranged a playdate and i just told them dd was coming without asking they wouldnt like it.

If anything the part i am more concerned about is dh not asking our friend if it's ok if he comes as he will be looking after them. But its dh's friend and he says its fine.

Thoughts?

The stepson at this point has done absolutely nothing wrong so I'm not sure why you're advocating being unpleasant to him? Would you want your own child treated like that?

He has a history of teasing them and annoying them so he has done wrong.

And yes I absolutely would line out expectations and consequences to my own children and would never expect anyone to tolerate my child's poor behaviour like that.

Even if OP’s DH is going, why can’t his DD have some time with her friend alone while her older brother is supposed to be at his mum’s?

Good of your DH to teach your DD early on about male entitlement, patriarchy, and standing aside to accommodate boys and men.

This makes me want to burn the world down.

If your db is going to then fair enough, this isn't a play date, it's a family activity, ss is family

Unpopular opinion alert!
I think there’s nothing wrong with your husband inviting SS. I think I read above that it’s husbands friend and their child. Presumably a friend that SS has grown up with. I also imagine the activity to be a outdoors, go ape or mini golf type thing which can be enjoyed by both 10 and 14 year olds. Children can be annoying, sibling especially. But you just manage the behaviour as you usually would. You don’t stop taking them out. Siblings squabble and wind each other up.

I think its a bit rude to invite an extra person. He shouldn't have invited him.

If I was going out with one of my friends who has a dc the same age as my dc I think I'd still invite my other dc even if they were a different age and sex if I thought they'd enjoy the day.

Your DH cannot invite his son on a play date arranged by someone else. Especially with a 4 year age gap. You need to tell DH that he can't come. Or just cancel completely - explain to your friend why and arrange a new date for the play date without SS.

FFS what an over - reaction. The Father had invited the SS before this was arranged and did not want to uninvite him. Really no need for this demonisation.

And to those confused about why the SS would want to spend time with girls 4 years younger. Perhaps, as a child who does not live with his father full time ; in fact he is motivated by spending time with his father and not the girls

Your H needs to make it clear to your SS that this is your d's event he's joining and your ss is not to muck about. If your H won't do it, I would - probably say it to your friend too.

And just point out to your husband that going forward he needs to consider your daughter's right to have boundaries and to be consulted if her bro is being asked to an event that is essentially hers.

Your husband is a tit. I'd be very upset that he's done this.

When I say the father had invited the SS beforehand I meant to spend time with him

I really think your Dh needs to understand how upset your dd is. It’s very unfair of him to do this: would he invite dd to crash your ss’s day out with his mates? I particularly think he needs to be aware of why your dd is upset. Yes, siblings squabble, but it was dd’s day out, so did not need to be involved, especially when it’s not even your dh’s day to have him. This is a Dh issue. I’d be ensuring he was very aware that he has upset his dd.

This thread is weird. If the son lived full time in the house, and the whole family was going out - of course he'd be invited. My family just spent the day with another family - my eldest daughter is the same age as their daughter, but I still took my other children with us... and yes, my kids wind each other up, but I wouldn't exclude them from a family day out for it...?

So to be clear your husband arranged with his friend to take their 2 daughters to an activity, then he invited his son along too? If I have that right it doesn’t seem like such a massive deal, certainly not as odd as it sounded in the original post. Especially if the son was due to come over anyway, it would make sense he’d invite him along.

was it actually an invite for DD and her friend to do something together? Or DH and his friend meeting up with their kids who happen to get along well. Because those 2 scenarios feel slightly different.

@RNBrie exactly this!! The gap is irrelevant, he’s still a child in the family.

But it's not a family day out. It's a play date that one child had been invited to. Taking another child without ok'ing it with the person who invited you wouldn't be ok.

Will dh be taking part of the activity? If so then surely he will interact more with ss while dd plays with her friend

@girlmom21 thought op said the DH ok’d it with his friend. Sounds like the DH organised it with a friend of his.

I also think this thread is weird. If I was going out with my friend who had one child, but to an activity both of my children would enjoy then I'd take them both. I wouldn't exclude one of them for being the 'wrong' age or sex compared to my friends child.

what does ss mean??

I’m on the fence here, your calling it a play date which to me means the other family invited your DD to join them at an activity (I’m thinking something like trampolining, Clip n climb Tyoe thing) but then your update reads that the dad has said to your DH, let’s take the kids out for the day, DH has said yes good idea, ‘DD we’re going out with X friend for the day’.
If it’s the first option it’s weird. If it’s the second option then absolutely fine for DH to take both children.
Siblings argue, my kids like going out without the other (similar age gap) but not always an option.

SS bringing a friend would be a good solution and make him less likely to bother DD.

I agree ‘playdate’ would suggest your daughter was invited by the other family. So did your DH invite himself or was he an integral part of the activity? In which case it’s more of a family day out. And surely when he was expected to go he said he could only attend if son could as well if he’d already invited him that day? Other option would be your daughter couldn’t go or she went alone with friend?

Step son