Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband dat/night out

82 replies

Rosebel · 02/06/2022 14:40

My husband went out around 12 to the pub. Not usual behaviour but it's a leaving do for one of his work colleagues. Fine, no problem.
Our 2 years old is suffering from a really bad cold and cough that keeps waking him up and at the moment my mental health isn't good. So I'm tired and quite possibly being unreasonable.
He told me he'd be home around 3 and do waking duties tonight. However he's just phoned and said they are going in to town and he'll probably be late back (around 10 /11).
We can't really afford a big night out and it's my birthday tomorrow so I'd hoped to have a rest. However if he's out until late he won't wake up in the night or surface until late tomorrow morning. So obviously it will be me up with our toddler again.
I snapped at him reminding him I was tired and that I'd told him not to buy me anything for my birthday so we could save some money not so he could get pissed at the pub.
He snapped back that he hardly ever goes out and I was being a miserable witch.
I feel mean like I'm ruining his day out but I'm tired and not in a great place mentally. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to be home at a reasonable time? Or is he entitled to a night out? Tbh I'd be less pissed off if w could afford it and it wasn't right on my birthday.
Reading this back I realise I sound totally selfish and I don't think I usually am. Perhaps it's just the tiredness talking. Perhaps I just need to get over myself.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 02/06/2022 14:45

Neither of you are unreasonable. He should be able to have a night out. However he should also be aware how stressed out you are and needing help.

Bad timing with the leaving do.

I'd have expected him to come home if he knew you needed him but at the same time I'd probably sucked it up as a one off.

EL8888 · 02/06/2022 14:47

I would suck it up as a one off. Not if it impacted negatively on my birthday. You should be having the lie in tomorrow, not him

LuaDipa · 02/06/2022 14:47

So you’re so short of cash that you are going without a Birthday present but he can afford to go out and get pissed the night before? Yanbu and I would be reconsidering this relationship.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 02/06/2022 14:51

He gets up in the morning with dc, hangover no excuse.

ThreeLittleDots · 02/06/2022 14:55

So he called you a miserable witch and has decided to spend money you can't afford on getting pissed with his mates, rather than giving you a birthday present or saving it as agreed.

Even without you feeling tired and vulnerable, that's extremely shitty behaviour.

stepuporshutup · 02/06/2022 15:00

ThreeLittleDots · 02/06/2022 14:55

So he called you a miserable witch and has decided to spend money you can't afford on getting pissed with his mates, rather than giving you a birthday present or saving it as agreed.

Even without you feeling tired and vulnerable, that's extremely shitty behaviour.

Yes totally agree he is being bloody selfish

Curiosity101 · 02/06/2022 15:02

He told me he'd be home around 3 and do waking duties tonight

I hate when people promise one thing and then do another. Especially as it's your birthday tomorrow. Yanbu. I would definitely make sure you wake him tonight if the toddler needs anything and go out tomorrow morning. Although it would probably be good to let him know you still expect him to do any overnight wakings and that you'll be out tomorrow morning so that he is prepared for it

TimeTravelSickness · 02/06/2022 15:03

Did he agree to no birthday present due to money being tight? If he did and has now gone out spending money, then he’s an arse.

Sharrowgirl · 02/06/2022 15:03

If it’s a one-off, it would let it go (although I’d still expect him to be getting up with the toddler in the morning as it’s your birthday).

BigFatLiar · 02/06/2022 15:09

ThreeLittleDots · 02/06/2022 14:55

So he called you a miserable witch and has decided to spend money you can't afford on getting pissed with his mates, rather than giving you a birthday present or saving it as agreed.

Even without you feeling tired and vulnerable, that's extremely shitty behaviour.

But we all know on mumsnet partners have their own money. So perhaps this was his money rather than family money. We don't know what their setup is.

It isn't very nice behaviour but unless they're both restricted and not allowed free time then it sounds like an unfortunate timing. He could have just done a Rumpole and told them SWMBO says he's due home and left.

hellcatspanglelalala · 02/06/2022 15:37

I think I'd be feeling much like you OP. Hope you do get some sleep tonight 💐

Herejustforthisone · 02/06/2022 16:20

What leapt out at me is it’s your birthday tomorrow, he’d already said he’d do the night wakings for a change and instead he’s decided to go out and get pissed, which means you’ll have to do all the night wakings and get up early on your birthday morning, while he lays in with a vile hangover.

Selfish prick.

Herejustforthisone · 02/06/2022 16:21

Oh yeah and he’s spending what little family money there is. Absolute prince.

Momicrone · 02/06/2022 16:37

Selfish git to do it the day before your birthday

AryaStarkWolf · 02/06/2022 16:43

because of the money issues and the fact it's your birthday tomorrow and the fact that he'd promised to do the night shift with the baby he's BU

Darkstar4855 · 02/06/2022 16:48

I think if he has promised to do the night wakings then he is BU to change his plans like that without a respectful discussion.

I don’t think he is BU to have a night out if he doesn’t normally go out but feels like he needs a break but the way he spoke to you and the lack of notice is not ok.

StingrayStingray · 02/06/2022 16:48

Jesus fucking christ! No love you are not being unreasonable, at all!

This is shite behaviour on your DPs part in so many ways. I'm really sorry, you don't have to put up with shite like that you deserve better.

Happy Birthday - make sure you get a nice day even if that means you leave the DC with the idiot DP and go out with a friend for a walk and a coffee or something Flowers

StingrayStingray · 02/06/2022 16:52

The JFC was for yet another twatty, selfish man and a woman who's self esteem and self worth is so low she second guesses her perfectly reasonable feelings over being treated so shoddily.

If it was his birthday tomorrow would you have done this? I feel confident in saying that no, you definitely wouldn't. Because you aren't a shit person who knows they can get away with less than the bare minimum or shutting down your partner by giving out attitude when rightly pulled up on said shitty behaviour.

BeggyMitchell · 02/06/2022 16:54

He's either really forgetful and scatty or he knows it's your birthday and is acting selfishly regardless.

I suspect it's the latter as you did mention it to him ?

You know you're not BU. And as for being a 'witch' !? Er... no words

He sounds awful.

inmyslippers · 02/06/2022 16:55

So he called you a miserable witch and has decided to spend money you can't afford on getting pissed with his mates, rather than giving you a birthday present or saving it as agreed.

^^ is he normally this selfish

StingrayStingray · 02/06/2022 16:57

BeggyMitchell · 02/06/2022 16:54

He's either really forgetful and scatty or he knows it's your birthday and is acting selfishly regardless.

I suspect it's the latter as you did mention it to him ?

You know you're not BU. And as for being a 'witch' !? Er... no words

He sounds awful.

OP reminded him on the phone call it was her birthday, that's what prompted the witch comment and general attitude that she was selfish and in the wrong on his part!

He's just another crap partner who'd rather do what he wants and never consider his partner. Put up, shut up and smile because I'm gonna do what I want and tell you you're an awful woman if you don't comply.

Fuck. That. Noise!

Original poster
Rosebel · 02/06/2022 17:51

Thanks for the replies.
He does get really defensive if I ever suggest he's being unreasonable.
I didn't mind him going out but I didn't realise it was going to turn in to a mega drinking session.
There's no point in making him get up with our toddler in the night as if he's drunk I wouldn't feel confident letting him get deal with our toddler.

OP posts:
StingrayStingray · 02/06/2022 18:02

Rosebel · 02/06/2022 17:51

Thanks for the replies.
He does get really defensive if I ever suggest he's being unreasonable.
I didn't mind him going out but I didn't realise it was going to turn in to a mega drinking session.
There's no point in making him get up with our toddler in the night as if he's drunk I wouldn't feel confident letting him get deal with our toddler.

Bet you a fiver you don't bring things up as strongly or often as you'd like to now right? Not worth the hassle/ you end up feeling worse/ you end up gaslit into thinking you're unreasonable?

I'm sorry to be glib, I actually really feel for you Flowers I'm just sick of seeing women treated badly by crap men.

If you would take some friendly advice, I'd suggest you start a new thread in relationships to talk about yours. I'd suggest you chat to supportive friends or family IRL and I would strongly suggest you begin to think about removing yourself and your child from this situation.

Life will be hard, yes, but it would be infinitely happier without being told you are unreasonable and at fault when you are absolutely not, and having a lifetime of manchild to manage while you subsume your needs, feelings and happiness in order to serve his every whim... or be called names etc as you've now been experiencing.

Also, of course you can't hand your DC to a drunk partner to be in charge of - well done you, obviously but ffs some people! Hmm

StingrayStingray · 02/06/2022 18:06

Also you don't need to defend yourself, of course you have no problem with him going out normally - no reasonable person would and you are in no way being an unreasonable person.

But you felt the need to add that, partly because... well mumsnet, but also I suspect because your 'D'P makes you feel the need to defend your reasonable position to the point of ridiculousness right?

Hankunamatata · 02/06/2022 18:09

I think both of you had unrealistic expectation that he would go to leaving do and be home couple hours later.
He can make it up to you next weekend and do your birthday celebration then