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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband dat/night out

82 replies

Rosebel · 02/06/2022 14:40

My husband went out around 12 to the pub. Not usual behaviour but it's a leaving do for one of his work colleagues. Fine, no problem.
Our 2 years old is suffering from a really bad cold and cough that keeps waking him up and at the moment my mental health isn't good. So I'm tired and quite possibly being unreasonable.
He told me he'd be home around 3 and do waking duties tonight. However he's just phoned and said they are going in to town and he'll probably be late back (around 10 /11).
We can't really afford a big night out and it's my birthday tomorrow so I'd hoped to have a rest. However if he's out until late he won't wake up in the night or surface until late tomorrow morning. So obviously it will be me up with our toddler again.
I snapped at him reminding him I was tired and that I'd told him not to buy me anything for my birthday so we could save some money not so he could get pissed at the pub.
He snapped back that he hardly ever goes out and I was being a miserable witch.
I feel mean like I'm ruining his day out but I'm tired and not in a great place mentally. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to be home at a reasonable time? Or is he entitled to a night out? Tbh I'd be less pissed off if w could afford it and it wasn't right on my birthday.
Reading this back I realise I sound totally selfish and I don't think I usually am. Perhaps it's just the tiredness talking. Perhaps I just need to get over myself.

OP posts:
MarvellousMay · 02/06/2022 18:11

Given it’s your Birthday tomorrow and he originally said it would be a couple of hours YANBU.
I’d want him to come home before he got too drunk and it ruins your day tomorrow.

MarvellousMay · 02/06/2022 18:17

He can make it up to you next weekend and do your birthday celebration then
Lol.

StingrayStingray · 02/06/2022 18:21

Hankunamatata · 02/06/2022 18:09

I think both of you had unrealistic expectation that he would go to leaving do and be home couple hours later.
He can make it up to you next weekend and do your birthday celebration then

If it was my partners birthday in the circumstances outlined in the OP and I knew I was in danger of not sticking to the agreement re staying for a few hours I wouldn't have gone.

My wife/husband and sick child would be more important than a work colleague and an excuse for a piss up we couldn't afford.

But then I like to think I'm not a terrible or selfish partner.

Onwards22 · 02/06/2022 18:46

YABU it’s one day!
Let him go out and have fun.

I would not be comfortable with someone doing the night waking if they’d been drinking so you need to do the night wakings tonight and he can do it tomorrow.

I think you’re using every excuse in the book - child’s ill, your MH, can’t afford money for your birthday present etc.
It’s not fair to guilt trip someone into coming home early because of whatever the real reason is.

Original poster
Rosebel · 02/06/2022 18:52

I'm not trying to guilt trip him. He told me he'd be home at 3 and then changed his mind. He absolutely knows about my MH and our sick child (neither of which I said anything about). He also knows we haven't got much money and have kids birthdays coming up soon.
If he had said he was going out all day then I wouldn't be happy but would have accepted it but to dump it on me at the last minute when I was looking forward to a decent sleep feels unfair.

OP posts:
StingrayStingray · 02/06/2022 18:53

Onwards22 · 02/06/2022 18:46

YABU it’s one day!
Let him go out and have fun.

I would not be comfortable with someone doing the night waking if they’d been drinking so you need to do the night wakings tonight and he can do it tomorrow.

I think you’re using every excuse in the book - child’s ill, your MH, can’t afford money for your birthday present etc.
It’s not fair to guilt trip someone into coming home early because of whatever the real reason is.

Correct it's only one day! So why does it have to be this day? Why can't it be a future day when it's not his wife's birthday, during a time of MH and financial struggle, while their young DC is sick?

It's not just the cost of a birthday present - OP says in the OP that she said not to get one, unselfishly IMO because they are trying to save and they can't afford either a present or a night out.

ThreeLittleDots · 02/06/2022 18:56

If you have a joint bank account, cancel his card!

BigFatLiar · 02/06/2022 18:58

So why does it have to be this day?

Perhaps because it's someone's leaving do. Sounds like it's just being carried over longer than intended.

StingrayStingray · 02/06/2022 19:07

BigFatLiar · 02/06/2022 18:58

So why does it have to be this day?

Perhaps because it's someone's leaving do. Sounds like it's just being carried over longer than intended.

And that brings us back to the original agreement. He would go to the leaving do for a few hours, which they as a couple agreed they could manage, and then return home while presumably the leaving do was always going to go on without him.

It's sheer selfishness to renege on that agreement and worse they can't afford it. OP has returned to say they also have DC birthdays coming up, which they need to factor in when managing their money. The husband would rather not consider anyone else, including his DC and instead chooses to do what he wants and spaff a wad of money needlessly up a wall.

He could go out any other time in the future and spend money with no objection from OP, when they can afford it. Preferably when the DC and wife are all not unwell too.

It's not fucking hard people, raise the standards and expect more consideration and team work from our husbands? Are we wanting to put up with people who don't treat us well? Apparently so according to some on this thread. I still say fuck that!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/06/2022 19:11

Its shit OP

And, I have arguments like this sometimes with my husband (in our case it's because he is away with work a lot and while he deserves a social life I find it really difficult when I've been dealing everything at home for a few days and then he is out) but not once has he ever called me any names. That's so disrespectful. He is pretty much ruining your birthday and then when you get upset about it, he's blaming you. That's not on at all and shows where his priorities lie.

If behaviours like this arent a one off then you need to seriously reconsider your relationship

Darbs76 · 02/06/2022 19:16

I don’t think any of you are unreasonable. I’d tell him you want him to get up so you can have a lie in on your birthday. Hopefully he won’t be wasting a fortune in the pub, but if he doesn’t go out often I think it’s fair enough for him to have a night out. When you’re at hike with the baby it’s not easy

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/06/2022 19:18

Threads like this make me mad

Aposeenlty it's ok for men to do this. But I'm pretty sure no women on this forum would go out on the piss when their child was sick for 5x longer than they had arranged to, spending money that was earmarked for this kids birthdays, when they knew it would mean they were too hungover to give their partner a decent lie in on their birthday. No way

Herejustforthisone · 02/06/2022 19:21

I have a feeling that that night’s sleep would have been all you got for your birthday, but he’s taken that away now so that he can go and get pissed and have fun instead. He’s given you a great big ‘fuck you’ for your birthday.

You’re really, really not unreasonable. I feel very sad for you. I feel so sad for all the women on here stuck with these shit men.

Herejustforthisone · 02/06/2022 19:21

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/06/2022 19:18

Threads like this make me mad

Aposeenlty it's ok for men to do this. But I'm pretty sure no women on this forum would go out on the piss when their child was sick for 5x longer than they had arranged to, spending money that was earmarked for this kids birthdays, when they knew it would mean they were too hungover to give their partner a decent lie in on their birthday. No way

Yep.

ZekeZeke · 02/06/2022 19:22

Are you both off work for the weekend?
If so, let him have his lie in tomorrow and you have a lie in Saturday and Sunday.

Onwards22 · 02/06/2022 19:23

Correct it's only one day! So why does it have to be this day? Why can't it be a future day when it's not his wife's birthday, during a time of MH and financial struggle, while their young DC is sick?

It’s a leavers do - I don’t think DH gets to choose what day someone else’s leaving do is on.

It’s not OPs birthday today.

Her MH is probably not going to vastly improve whether it’s this weekend or next weekend.

Financially he should have a budget and stick to it.

And DC get sick all of the time - I assume you also think that OP shouldn’t do anything for her birthday because her child’s poorly?

girlmom21 · 02/06/2022 19:28

You suggested no birthday present. Was that because you're actually short of cash or because you've had an expensive month?

He had the courtesy to let you know and he'll still be back in plenty of time to not need a massive lie in.

I don't think YABU to be pissed off but I don't think he's been the worst person in the world.

StingrayStingray · 02/06/2022 20:06

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/06/2022 19:18

Threads like this make me mad

Aposeenlty it's ok for men to do this. But I'm pretty sure no women on this forum would go out on the piss when their child was sick for 5x longer than they had arranged to, spending money that was earmarked for this kids birthdays, when they knew it would mean they were too hungover to give their partner a decent lie in on their birthday. No way

Yes.

Apparently a lot of people here are totally cool with their partners spending the money for DC presents, bills, food, roof over their heads etc on drinking at a colleagues leaving doHmm

StingrayStingray · 02/06/2022 20:11

Onwards22 · 02/06/2022 19:23

Correct it's only one day! So why does it have to be this day? Why can't it be a future day when it's not his wife's birthday, during a time of MH and financial struggle, while their young DC is sick?

It’s a leavers do - I don’t think DH gets to choose what day someone else’s leaving do is on.

It’s not OPs birthday today.

Her MH is probably not going to vastly improve whether it’s this weekend or next weekend.

Financially he should have a budget and stick to it.

And DC get sick all of the time - I assume you also think that OP shouldn’t do anything for her birthday because her child’s poorly?

And again that takes them back to the original agreement - it's cool to go, H comes back at x time and spends no more than x amount... it's not hard!

Um... No Hmm I think had the OP been a single parent with a sick child the birthday plans might have to be chucked out.

However she's not a single parent is she? Originally her Husband agreed to do his share of parenting to give her a break for her birthday while also having his wants accommodated in that he is going to the leavers do but has now decided his selfish needs supersede anything else.

Well done for the mental gymnastics that allows you to make this a situation where I'm ridiculous and the OP is unreasonable - 10/10/10/10!

StingrayStingray · 02/06/2022 20:20

Also @Onwards22 in other words the H should be like "Oh by the way since it's not likely your MH is going to vastly improve this week or next, I've decided to do something shitty that'll make it worse" - what?!

Your whole post was wtf and on second reading just... sigh

knickersniff · 02/06/2022 20:44

Yep the fact it's your bday and you said no prezzie .. he's been a dick . I'd be really let down

girlmom21 · 02/06/2022 20:45

knickersniff · 02/06/2022 20:44

Yep the fact it's your bday and you said no prezzie .. he's been a dick . I'd be really let down

It's not her birthday today, it's tomorrow, and it's her who decided they couldn't afford a present, not him.

maddening · 02/06/2022 20:48

If you could afford it and it was not your birthday and it was a one off then I would say yabu, but particularly as you can't afford it and it is your birthday totally yanbu!

Hawkins001 · 02/06/2022 20:50

All the best and positivity op, hope you have a good birthday, as best as possible.

StingrayStingray · 02/06/2022 21:01

girlmom21 · 02/06/2022 20:45

It's not her birthday today, it's tomorrow, and it's her who decided they couldn't afford a present, not him.

Show quote history

So you've decided based on (what?) the OP is wrong and that their financial situation is fine then?