Husband dat/night out

[Rosebel]

My husband went out around 12 to the pub. Not usual behaviour but it's a leaving do for one of his work colleagues. Fine, no problem.
Our 2 years old is suffering from a really bad cold and cough that keeps waking him up and at the moment my mental health isn't good. So I'm tired and quite possibly being unreasonable.
He told me he'd be home around 3 and do waking duties tonight. However he's just phoned and said they are going in to town and he'll probably be late back (around 10 /11).
We can't really afford a big night out and it's my birthday tomorrow so I'd hoped to have a rest. However if he's out until late he won't wake up in the night or surface until late tomorrow morning. So obviously it will be me up with our toddler again.
I snapped at him reminding him I was tired and that I'd told him not to buy me anything for my birthday so we could save some money not so he could get pissed at the pub.
He snapped back that he hardly ever goes out and I was being a miserable witch.
I feel mean like I'm ruining his day out but I'm tired and not in a great place mentally. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to be home at a reasonable time? Or is he entitled to a night out? Tbh I'd be less pissed off if w could afford it and it wasn't right on my birthday.
Reading this back I realise I sound totally selfish and I don't think I usually am. Perhaps it's just the tiredness talking. Perhaps I just need to get over myself.

@StingrayStingray have I said that?

Some people think they're skint but have a grand in the bank they don't want to touch. Some people think they're skint when they only have 50p left in the bank.

Regardless of the OP's situation, her DH sees it differently.

@StingrayStingray MH does not disappear after a day or 2. It usually takes months or years to properly get better.

Are you saying that DH or OP can’t go out and have fun at all without each other because she has MH issues?

@girlmom21 You didn't say that hence the question mark. But it does seem you are questioning whether they can actually afford it rather than taking OPs word that they can't, which I find odd to say the least.

@Onwards22 No of course not, stop trying to twist my words into the ridiculous.

What you are saying though is that since her MH isn't going to be "vastly improved" in the next few weeks that her H doing something that is going to negatively affect it is fine. Which again seems an interesting mental pretzel to twist yourself.

You have agreed something in advance that you are looking forward to, it seems that money is tight and young DC can be challenging (as PP mentioned they are frequently ill etc etc), so a rare break when your MH has extra significance (wife) and a chance to get away with mates from work, have a drink etc (husband).

Husband gets what he wants in the agreement and then some that takes away from what the wife gets, surely the MH of the wife will decline directly because of that?

Well I think so and I think that's unacceptable. I also think it's totally different from the scenario you are trying to put in my mouth.

@Rosebel Did he actually call you a miserable witch, or are you paraphrasing?

@StingrayStingray if this is your hill, crack on. As I said, her perception of their finances is clearly different to his.

I'd like to think he'd set some money aside to buy her a gift before his last pay day, considering he's very aware of their finances and her birthday.

And I mean, that's not even taking into account the irresponsibility of the H spending money they can't afford (if you believe the OP... which I do), on drinking for a leaving do. We don't even know if he's particularly close to the colleague or if it's just an excuse for a piss up!

And of course not taking into account the name calling!

@girlmom21 what if he hasn't done that? Would that change your perception? What if it turns out they are barely managing to keep food on the table?

Some of the people who use mumsnet aren't in the financially comfortable bracket remember. It's not all med-high earners, there's also a large component of people on low incomes. I'm assuming (since OP says so) finances are actually pretty tight for this couple and their young DC - is there more than one?

Ahh I had relauongio like this once. Said all the right things but did what suited him best as soon as he was with his mates. Wasted 5 years clinging on to him. New husband wasnt a two faced arsehole.

If deep down you knew he wouldn't keep his word then have a long hard think.

@StingrayStingray if that's the case I'd absolutely think he's a twat. But if he's not the kind of man to go out drinking often and spending frivolously, which the OP hasn't suggested is the case, I'd assume he's got at least an ounce of common sense.

What a bellend. Please leave him tomorrow with your child once the alcohol is out of his system and go and spend some money on yourself/have some time alone or with friends or something.

Interesting.

So, just asking, name calling after changing an agreement that suited and benefited both to something that only suited him and actively removed the benefit from her was ok?

Removing the Birthday and cost element to just the simple facts. Although I do think they add an extra quotient of arsehole to the whole thing.

Like both, were both the name calling and redistribution without agreement ok?

@StingrayStingray the name calling is never ok.

Him staying out a few hours later than planned is fine if there's enough money for him to do so.

Another man who has all his priorities all wrong the minute it comes to putting himself at the back of the queue. He should have been home and stuck to his promises made in advance of your birthday with regards to care of your child of which he is the father. Instead he’s out extending a drinking session with his mates and trying to guilt trip you.

this sort of behaviour really makes me question what subconsciously the damage that his values or lack of will do to both your relationship and his children a experience of his estimation of all of you.

ifnit is this difficult to make someone feel cared for and that they matter when all it involves is not carrying on socialising and drinking past an agreed time for valid reasons then it doesn’t bode well

If he did indeed call you those names then it’s a very clear signal that you are only worthy of his love when you are compliant.
pathetic man child material

So I'm assuming you'd be ok with your H suddenly and without checking with you, changing a prior agreement so you couldn't do what you wanted and would help your MH which was already suffering in order for him to selfishly do what he wanted and then some extras. That makes me sad, you and the OP deserve better.

I'm still a bit boggled by your not taking OP at her word over finances, where do you draw the line? You don't believe that but believe he called her names and so on.

I also am going to say call me a Black Eyed Pea but I've got a feeling this guy isn't the sort to pull a selfish crappy stunt like this whilst also being thoughtful and forward planning enough to have saved up to buy the OP a present anyway but I'll eat my words if @Rosebel comes back and says he did in fact do that.

Not when it’s her birthday tomorrow and she’d asked him to come home to do night wakings so she could have a break. After all he’s only able to go out drinking in the day because the OP is being a parent

the money to some extent is a red herring it’s the lack of desire to make someone you are supposed to love feel like they matter

I'm always thankful for posters like @Whiskeypowers who also get this type of situation. Sometimes it can be frustrating and it would be easy for me to go back to the way of thinking being displayed here.

I used to be the poster explaining and excusing my crappy Hs behaviour. It's low self esteem and it's really sad to see. We all deserve to be treated well, fairly and with care by the people who say they love us. This isn't that.

YANBU, you have a sick child and you are unwell as well. The meet up with his friends could have been cancelled so he could look after both of you. Not attending a leaving do is not the be all and end all if your child and partner are unwell. To then extend the time out and spend money you don't have as a family is utter selfishness.

@StingrayStingray yes if my DP went out with his friends then told me he'd actually be out later than planned I'd be fine with that because these things happen sometimes.

Him being out for an extra few hours isn't going to make her mental health any worse. Him being home early wouldn't make it better.

I've made it very clear to you that I'm not suggesting the OP is lying. I'm saying that her interpretation and his may be different.

She's struggling with sleep due to a poorly child. She had a chance of some decent sleep (good for your mental health ! ) but her DH is instead out drinking and therefore will be unable to look after DC.

I honestly didn't think it was difficult to comprehend.

How can you be so glib?

you cannot assume that because your mental health would not take a hypothetical knock because of something like this, that nobody else’s would. Or truthfully that if you were in this space that yours wouldn’t?

this isn’t about cutting someone some slack over staying out longer it’s about all the other aspects which compelled the OP to post. Aspects which hint as his dismissing of the arrangement that with it being her birthday tomorrow they mutually agreed and committed to. Furthermore, riding roughshod over mental health issues which she is trying to navigate is a dereliction of duty to his child.

you do her and yourself a disservice with this asinine arguing the toss and splitting hairs. You also contribute to the self sabotaging narrative women are prone to indulge in when not being able to or not being supported in allowing ourselves and others to take our standards and expectations of our loved ones to be wilfully redefined as neediness or nagging as the OP’s husband has displayed with his name calling and guilt tripping.

@girlmom21 this ^ not to mention how demoralising it is when your MH is already shit to have your 'D'H do something so selfish, then call you names when you try to gently keep him to the agreement.

On a normal day, with good mental health, with financial stability and it not being my birthday the next day while a young DC was sick, I'd agree with you, I'd be ok with H staying out longer than planned.

The fact are though: OPs MH is not good, the DC is sick, they are financially struggling, it is her birthday tomorrow, and there was an agreement in place that benefited both and now has been jettisoned for his selfish need to her detriment.

I feel sorry for everyone who thinks this is ok and would accept that treatment, not in a patronising way but from the position of having accepted stuff like this in the past before I realised I deserved better (you all do too!) and that there are partners out there who are not abusive or selfish fuckers, there are partners out there who do more than the bare minimum, there are actually decent partners out there. If you (the royal you) wanted one you could go out and find one, but you'd need to do a lot of self care and a lot of strengthening of boundaries.

I just wanted to say I'm not trying to pick on you @girlmom21 I'm just trying to point out what I think is some pretzel thinking on your part because I used to be like you and it's not ok to be treated like this.

10/11pm is pretty early? For a do? Id be annoyed if he strolled in after midnight or am-ish. But 10-11pm, cant he still do the wake ups with your 2 year old? When hes back?
Depends on what hes like when hes had a few drinks, is he able to still get up? My dh for example can survive on 5 hours sleep n still get up the next morning bright-eyed n bushy tailed.
Also, he doesnt really get hangovers so much so when he does have a drinking session hes still fine to wake up with the kids the next day.
Again, all Depends on how your dh is.

@Whiskeypowers well said