Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Suspicious about my dads behaviour

91 replies

Rabbitinthefield · 02/06/2022 00:29

I’m completely new here, literally don’t know where else to post or ask and don’t want ask any friends before I’ve cleared my head.

im an adult woman (20’s) and I live with my dad (60) alone.

A few months ago something strange occurred in my house.
I was home alone and going to do a wash load. I opened the washer and there were damp-ish items In there- so I took them out to discover it was a yellow dusting cloth (ripped to shreds), a glass glove cleaner thing, and a pair of very small (tight waisted) boxer shorts-my immediate thought was that they were boys/child’s boxers.
My dad is very overweight and never worn boxers is his life. I have a younger brother (20’s) but he hasn’t been to my dads house in two years.
They can’t be either my dads or my brothers. They’d also had stains in them as if they’d been recently worn.
I was obviously very alarmed and confused by this. I took pictures on my phone of all the items then put them on a pile of of my dads washing as if i hadn’t noticed them because I didn’t want to confront him without trying to figure out more, also I was scared.

I was keeping a look out for weird stuff in the wash and didn’t discover anything else, however I also think those items have been binned because I haven’t seen them again. Looked for the cleaning glove and cloth in the diy cupboards to no avail either.

When on YouTube, I get AD recommendations like everyone else (the links just below the video you’re watching)
I keep getting recurring ads for ‘child models’ ‘aged between 3-12’…
needless to say this is nothing to do with either what I’m watching on YouTube (normally beauty or sports videos) and certainly nothing to do with my general Googling…
I have noticed that if you share the same wifi (I.e. in a house with the same IP) you can receive targeted ads across different devices/phones.
I know this because I’ve also got targeted ads for prostate screening (I’m female) and my dad is currently having his levels checked, so he has obviously been Googling it himself, which makes me highly concerned as to why I’m receiving ads for child models?

I tried to put it down to coincidence but today it happened again (maybe the 4th time in a couple months) and I just couldn’t ignore it. It’s freaking me out.
My dad was out and I went into his room and through his stuff.
in one of his sock draws I found a child’s bralette (literally has a label on it which says 9-11 years) and I found another pair of small boxers (this label saying for 13 years) which also have a hole in them and again have worn stains.
I’ve taken them out of the draw so they don’t disappear and locked them in my storage for now.

I don’t know what to do or what to think.
If these were adult garments I would just leave them and try not to think about them, as who wants to think of their parents in that sort of way anyway?
However the fact that all 3 items are quite clearly for children and the child model ads im also getting…I’m so worried and don’t know If I’m unreasonably thinking something is suspicious and is seriously wrong…?

im racking my brain thinking of all my dads’ past behaviour.

A few months ago, near the time I discovered the first set of boxers, we were out in London and I remember him commenting on all the school kids about. I said it’s weird that he would comment that and he went silent.

We also had a carer for my late nan, this carer was like family to us and sometimes her young daughter (4ish) would come in with her on the afternoon shift after school. I’d met the daughter loads of times as we’d sit and chat whilst her mum took care of my nan.
My dad knew this as all us adults would chat about my nans care- but my dad always mentioned to the carer that she should bring ‘daisy’ (not real name) in whenever she likes, and when I think back- I think it was excessive how often he would mention it.

He also comments on how lovely and clever the little girl is next door (7ish?) very often. In actual fact the kids next door are beyond bratish and scream the street down and no one else on the street looks at them favourably- just my dad.

if I’m really honest, I believe my dad often comments about children. Nothing explicit but usually saying nice cutesy things if he sees kids but usually to me, not to them or their parents.

my mum and dad spilt when I was four, so it’s been two decades about. I’ve never know him to date anyone else ever since, my mum or any other family has never mentioned another partner. Friends of mine that know my family often ask why my dad has been single all this time. I’m questioning everything tbh.

Maybe all this added info is pure paranoia at this stage.

what would people here recommend and what would you think If you were in this situation?

thank you

OP posts:
Elsiebear90 · 02/06/2022 00:36

I think you’re very right to be concerned and it certainly does seem he has an unhealthy interest in children, what’s most concerning is the children’s underwear that he has that is used, do you have any idea where he could have got them from?

Maymaymay · 02/06/2022 00:38

I am so so sorry to read all of this and can't imagine what you're going through. I imagine you can report suspicions anonymously? Have you thought about this ? it would be the right thing to do, even if you think he isn't capable of doing anything. Especially as you have found items in the wash that have then gone on to be binned, that is really really worrying.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Rabbitinthefield · 02/06/2022 00:39

Thank you for your reply, I have no idea where the underwear could of come from at all. Like I said, it’s definitely for children- and there are no children in my immediate or extended family.

OP posts:
Maymaymay · 02/06/2022 00:40

I have just reread about the boxers being worn, that is really really concerning and I think you should seek out where you can go to speak to someone about it.

Sharming · 02/06/2022 00:41

I didn't want to leave your post unanswered. I don't have any advice, but just wanted to reassure you.

He hasn't done anything wrong that you're aware of. The pants are suspicious, granted. The targetted ads - yeah maybe he's looked at some dodgy sites. His comments about kids sound innocuous enough though.

Is there a professional you can get advice from?

Sharming · 02/06/2022 00:41

Do you have any reason not to trust your Dad?

ElenaSt · 02/06/2022 00:45

Could he have got those items from charity bags others have left out or bought over the internet? It doesn't necessarily mean he's in constant with children.

Personally, I would question him but not alone in the house, when you are outside in a public place.

'Dad, I found some children's underwear when when doing the laundry. Why have you got it and who does it all belong to?'

Elsiebear90 · 02/06/2022 00:45

My concern is he may have access to a child or children that you’re not aware of and he’s abusing them, the other option is he may have purchased them online, hopefully it’s that and it was a small adult who has been wearing them not an actual child. It’s odd that he’s leaving them lying around knowing you could find them, it’s almost like he wants to get caught?

Rabbitinthefield · 02/06/2022 00:48

Thank you for your reply. I’ve tried researching ‘finding child’s underwear’, because, well obviously I find it disturbing and suspicious, but it’s difficult to know if I did report it/reach out to anyone if it would even be taken seriously or is even an offence? Like I guess it’s not illegal to own

OP posts:
Rabbitinthefield · 02/06/2022 00:52

Yeah I did think it could be some sort of online purchase, even then I find it disturbing. Well 2/3 the stuff I found was hidden in his draws and the random wash load …I reckon he just genuinely forgot, hence why it has disappeared since? Maybe he was too nervous I saw it. Which I did.

OP posts:
Doggyfish · 02/06/2022 00:55

I'd try to get into his devices and see what he's been looking at.

Pantsomime · 02/06/2022 01:02

I’m sorry to hear this you must feel so conflicted. You won’t want to video what may be happening when you are not in. Can you somehow set cameras up on the doors to the outside? Would he recognise a doorbell cam? You could then see who is coming in the house when you are not there, or details of him going out. That could give you more direction ie whether to go to the police or not

lameasahorse · 02/06/2022 01:04

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Maytodecember · 02/06/2022 01:38

This reply has been deleted

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

This. You won’t have to give your name. They are the experts who can advise you.

tkwal · 02/06/2022 02:16

Maytodecember,
I agree with this too.The NSPCC will be able to advise you on your next steps. In the meantime see if you can access his Internet search history . If you share the same IP address you should be able to.If you do find something suspicious download it in case it too mysteriously disappeard and take it to the police ASAP.
I'm sorry you are going through this but if he is innocent he has nothing to lose

dreamyunicorn · 02/06/2022 02:58

What does he spend his days doing?

What do you do?

Work from home etc?

Dotcomma · 02/06/2022 03:09

I don't really have any advice and I really wouldn't know what to do either - you must feel absolutely awful. I think I'd feel scared more than anything about where this could lead, but you can't really ignore it either.

Questions that come to mind...Do you have a close relationship with your dad? Have you ever had reason to question who he is - except for being your dad? Does he have friends, does he go out, does he have any hobbies? You mention your nan - did nan live with you or do you both live in her house?

Are you in touch with your mum - I'm not suggesting you go & tell her anything but do you have a relationship with her? Have you always lived with your dad? Do you know why your brother doesn't come round anymore? Could you maybe test the water somehow with them - see if they change the subject...

It might be that other people know about or have heard something about what you've never noticed - innocence is bliss - but ultimately he is your dad and you've probably never had reason to question anything.

On the plus side, it could just be a passing thing, but better nipped in the bud now with a visit to the doctor - is he depressed?

I think ultimately you should feel proud of yourself for taking this step and asking for help, stay strong.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/06/2022 04:01

is he depressed?

Is paedophilia a symptom of depression?

Lassielou · 02/06/2022 04:05

I actually think you're jumping the gun here. Yes, it's weird, but it's also weird that you would jump to this conclusion about your dad. I never would about my dad. What's odd to me is that you didn't say anything about the first boxers you found in the machine. Why didn't you just ask him? If your dad was a paedophile, why would he be openly washing boxers on the machine? Seems a bit stupid to me.

I guess it depends on why you are suspicious. I'd never jump to that conclusion about my dad. Is there a reason that you've jumped to this conclusion about yours? If not, why not just ask him? It's pretty weird but I guess if I trusted the person and had never previously had reason to doubt him, I'd assume there was a reasonable explanation.

If you DO have reason to doubt him, as your reaction suggests you do, then that's different.

Just be aware that going to the police, for example, might irreversibly destroy your relationship with your dad if he is, in fact, innocent.

Finally, I'm not sure that Mumsnet is the best place for advice on this. There's a lot of paedo hysteria here around normal men speaking to/being near/enjoying the company of children.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/06/2022 05:11

Finally, I'm not sure that Mumsnet is the best place for advice on this. There's a lot of paedo hysteria here around normal men speaking to/being near/enjoying the company of children.

Quite.
we were out in London and I remember him commenting on all the school kids about. I said it’s weird that he would comment that and he went silent.

What is weird about noticing lots of school kids & remarking on it? That's small talk, not weirdness. Unless a drip feed is coming & he was rubbing his thighs a la Vic Reeves as he spoke.

I don't understand the significance of a yellow dusting cloth (ripped to shreds), or what a glass glove cleaner thing is either. The whole thing is bewildering.

Redruby2020 · 02/06/2022 05:16

ElenaSt · 02/06/2022 00:45

Could he have got those items from charity bags others have left out or bought over the internet? It doesn't necessarily mean he's in constant with children.

Personally, I would question him but not alone in the house, when you are outside in a public place.

'Dad, I found some children's underwear when when doing the laundry. Why have you got it and who does it all belong to?'

What for?

Redruby2020 · 02/06/2022 05:20

KettrickenSmiled · 02/06/2022 04:01

is he depressed?

Is paedophilia a symptom of depression?

Exactly and what the hell 'a passing thing' 🤔

MayMi · 02/06/2022 05:20

I would tell the police everything you've found out so far and have them do a check on your dad/house. You can request to stay anonymous so your dad will think it's a random tip-off or your internet provider had flagged material and contacted the police. That if he's innocent then it's fine.

So sorry that you're going through this. I hope it turns out alright.

LaBellina · 02/06/2022 05:26

I agree with everyone else who said talk to professionals about this. I definitely felt very disturbed when I read your post and I think this needs to be looked at by people who are professionals in this.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/06/2022 05:42

I wouldn't 'confront' your dad in any way at the moment....

If he's 'innocent' there's no harm done...

If he's 'guilty' he may hide/destroy evidence.

First thing I'd do is anonymously ask for advice from nspcc.

They really are the experts on this and should be able to help.

Swipe left for the next trending thread