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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Suspicious about my dads behaviour

91 replies

Rabbitinthefield · 02/06/2022 00:29

I’m completely new here, literally don’t know where else to post or ask and don’t want ask any friends before I’ve cleared my head.

im an adult woman (20’s) and I live with my dad (60) alone.

A few months ago something strange occurred in my house.
I was home alone and going to do a wash load. I opened the washer and there were damp-ish items In there- so I took them out to discover it was a yellow dusting cloth (ripped to shreds), a glass glove cleaner thing, and a pair of very small (tight waisted) boxer shorts-my immediate thought was that they were boys/child’s boxers.
My dad is very overweight and never worn boxers is his life. I have a younger brother (20’s) but he hasn’t been to my dads house in two years.
They can’t be either my dads or my brothers. They’d also had stains in them as if they’d been recently worn.
I was obviously very alarmed and confused by this. I took pictures on my phone of all the items then put them on a pile of of my dads washing as if i hadn’t noticed them because I didn’t want to confront him without trying to figure out more, also I was scared.

I was keeping a look out for weird stuff in the wash and didn’t discover anything else, however I also think those items have been binned because I haven’t seen them again. Looked for the cleaning glove and cloth in the diy cupboards to no avail either.

When on YouTube, I get AD recommendations like everyone else (the links just below the video you’re watching)
I keep getting recurring ads for ‘child models’ ‘aged between 3-12’…
needless to say this is nothing to do with either what I’m watching on YouTube (normally beauty or sports videos) and certainly nothing to do with my general Googling…
I have noticed that if you share the same wifi (I.e. in a house with the same IP) you can receive targeted ads across different devices/phones.
I know this because I’ve also got targeted ads for prostate screening (I’m female) and my dad is currently having his levels checked, so he has obviously been Googling it himself, which makes me highly concerned as to why I’m receiving ads for child models?

I tried to put it down to coincidence but today it happened again (maybe the 4th time in a couple months) and I just couldn’t ignore it. It’s freaking me out.
My dad was out and I went into his room and through his stuff.
in one of his sock draws I found a child’s bralette (literally has a label on it which says 9-11 years) and I found another pair of small boxers (this label saying for 13 years) which also have a hole in them and again have worn stains.
I’ve taken them out of the draw so they don’t disappear and locked them in my storage for now.

I don’t know what to do or what to think.
If these were adult garments I would just leave them and try not to think about them, as who wants to think of their parents in that sort of way anyway?
However the fact that all 3 items are quite clearly for children and the child model ads im also getting…I’m so worried and don’t know If I’m unreasonably thinking something is suspicious and is seriously wrong…?

im racking my brain thinking of all my dads’ past behaviour.

A few months ago, near the time I discovered the first set of boxers, we were out in London and I remember him commenting on all the school kids about. I said it’s weird that he would comment that and he went silent.

We also had a carer for my late nan, this carer was like family to us and sometimes her young daughter (4ish) would come in with her on the afternoon shift after school. I’d met the daughter loads of times as we’d sit and chat whilst her mum took care of my nan.
My dad knew this as all us adults would chat about my nans care- but my dad always mentioned to the carer that she should bring ‘daisy’ (not real name) in whenever she likes, and when I think back- I think it was excessive how often he would mention it.

He also comments on how lovely and clever the little girl is next door (7ish?) very often. In actual fact the kids next door are beyond bratish and scream the street down and no one else on the street looks at them favourably- just my dad.

if I’m really honest, I believe my dad often comments about children. Nothing explicit but usually saying nice cutesy things if he sees kids but usually to me, not to them or their parents.

my mum and dad spilt when I was four, so it’s been two decades about. I’ve never know him to date anyone else ever since, my mum or any other family has never mentioned another partner. Friends of mine that know my family often ask why my dad has been single all this time. I’m questioning everything tbh.

Maybe all this added info is pure paranoia at this stage.

what would people here recommend and what would you think If you were in this situation?

thank you

OP posts:
Frazzledmummy123 · 03/06/2022 18:12

The 3 suggestions I have are:
As many others have suggested, contact the NSPCC anonymously for advice.
Or
Ask him outright (in a non-accusing way) and gauge his reaction. If he reacts badly to you asking, he is hiding something. However, I appreciate that being forthright about it reveals who 'reported it' in first place if it does go further.
Or
Ask to borrow his laptop to use internet and check his search history. Chances are, if he is looking at anything he isn't meant to, he'll have deleted it but you never know and it might give you a better idea of what's going on.

Good luck, I hope you get to the bottom of it and it turns out to be nothing. You have a right to be suspicious though.

Ownedbymycats · 03/06/2022 18:14

Could he be taking washing off clothes line or buying used underwear online?
I'm not sure the police will have any interest at this stage and I think I'd prefer directly asking him what's going on.

SailingNotSurfing · 03/06/2022 19:53

This is a strange thread and it makes me uneasy as to the agenda behind it.

Cleaning rags found in a washing machine do not mean a man is a paedophile.

The presence of children's used underwear in the man's bedroom is certainly disturbing nut not an offence. I am not minimising paedophilia and am a csa survivor from the age of 9, not that it's relevant.

The comments the man has allegedly made about school children, the carer's child, the neighbour's little girl don't suggest anything other than idle conversation.

The disappearance of the OP? WTF is going on?

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/06/2022 21:04

To my knowledge, theres at least two packs worth (so six pairs?) of small boys underwear in my house... with holes hacked in the arse, plus some socks, i think theres also a very small croptop thingy.

The pants were bought specifically by me/OH... they were for our Saluki bitch when she was in season. The hole hacked into the arse is for her tail.

The socks were second hand charity shop, I was testing out a theory for a cat enrichment toy (small juice bottle with holes in it, filled with treats, inside a childs sock = prey to hunt, grab, kick, 'skin' and then eat..)

The small croptop thingy was found inside a second hand duvet cover, had obviously worked its way in there in someone elses washing machine before it made it to mine.

The OP doesn't say there were 'brand new with tags' labels on the clothing do they? Just that the items are labelled as for certain age range.

Does her Dad buy or get given second hand stuff, duvet covers in particular are brilliant at hiding stuff, ditto pillowcases.

The child models ads is a bit odd but given the way devices pick up what we talk about and extrapolate something else, that wouldn't immediately give me cause for concern.

Murdoch1949 · 03/06/2022 23:40

You definitely need to get advice about this. If your dad is grooming children this could take a very disturbing and dangerous turn. You need to ensure that he is just being strange & not getting involved online or face to face with minors. Phone Childline or the NSPCC and seek their advice. Then tackle your dad with the information you have given here, and ask why he has the items. Tell him you're concerned and want to help. You can't just leave this, children could be involved.

ChagSameachDoreen · 04/06/2022 01:29

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/06/2022 21:04

To my knowledge, theres at least two packs worth (so six pairs?) of small boys underwear in my house... with holes hacked in the arse, plus some socks, i think theres also a very small croptop thingy.

The pants were bought specifically by me/OH... they were for our Saluki bitch when she was in season. The hole hacked into the arse is for her tail.

The socks were second hand charity shop, I was testing out a theory for a cat enrichment toy (small juice bottle with holes in it, filled with treats, inside a childs sock = prey to hunt, grab, kick, 'skin' and then eat..)

The small croptop thingy was found inside a second hand duvet cover, had obviously worked its way in there in someone elses washing machine before it made it to mine.

The OP doesn't say there were 'brand new with tags' labels on the clothing do they? Just that the items are labelled as for certain age range.

Does her Dad buy or get given second hand stuff, duvet covers in particular are brilliant at hiding stuff, ditto pillowcases.

The child models ads is a bit odd but given the way devices pick up what we talk about and extrapolate something else, that wouldn't immediately give me cause for concern.

This is the biggest reach I think I've ever seen on here.

Why are you so keen to excuse what is very clearly paedophile activity?

Sweepingeyelashes · 04/06/2022 02:00

I am puzzled why you didn't ask your father when you found the first underpants rather than snooping around hiding things. For all we know he's wondering why you keep hiding the dusters. Even if it's more sinister, it may be that he has a thing about small children's underwear which while icky isn't actually illegal or harming actual children. (Yes, I do appreciate viewing online porn hurts actual children but this is just discarded underwear. That bralet had a label not new tags I think.)

Beautifulmonster87 · 04/06/2022 02:18

Lassielou · 02/06/2022 04:05

I actually think you're jumping the gun here. Yes, it's weird, but it's also weird that you would jump to this conclusion about your dad. I never would about my dad. What's odd to me is that you didn't say anything about the first boxers you found in the machine. Why didn't you just ask him? If your dad was a paedophile, why would he be openly washing boxers on the machine? Seems a bit stupid to me.

I guess it depends on why you are suspicious. I'd never jump to that conclusion about my dad. Is there a reason that you've jumped to this conclusion about yours? If not, why not just ask him? It's pretty weird but I guess if I trusted the person and had never previously had reason to doubt him, I'd assume there was a reasonable explanation.

If you DO have reason to doubt him, as your reaction suggests you do, then that's different.

Just be aware that going to the police, for example, might irreversibly destroy your relationship with your dad if he is, in fact, innocent.

Finally, I'm not sure that Mumsnet is the best place for advice on this. There's a lot of paedo hysteria here around normal men speaking to/being near/enjoying the company of children.

What is a reasonable explanation for an adult to own kids underwear? .

wellhelloitsme · 04/06/2022 14:27

Have you decided what to do next @Rabbitinthefield?

2bazookas · 04/06/2022 14:30

He's perhaps been stealing child laundry from washing lines, for sex purposes. You have to inform police so they can search his computer for child porn.

Rabbitinthefield · 05/06/2022 21:11

Hello, thank you everyone for your replies.
sorry I haven’t replied as of yet, I’ve not ‘disappeared’, I’ve read all the messages now.

To the replies saying I may have ‘jumped a gun’ and I’m thus thinking the worst of my dad— I wouldn’t say that’s the case, I took the first pair of boxers as a weird ‘one off’ but made a mental note, obviously.
I didn’t confront him because a) it could of been a ‘one-off (though weird) b) I wanted to see what else materialised so I would have more Information and therefore be better equipped as of what to do.
I understand the commenters saying that people here would naturally jump to the conclusion of ‘paedophilia’ because it’s a forum about parenting mainly, however I genuinely didn’t know where else to put this question.
For instance, I didn’t even know if ringing the NSPCC about this was ridiculous or not, or a waste of their time, thank you to the people who have pointed me in that direction.

With all that being said, I think there are too many weird things that have happened, hence the fact I’m suspicious. I’ve felt sick all weekend after reading some of these replies because I think it’s, although awful to admit this, comforting somewhat that I’m not that the only one who would be suspicious.

Like I said, the other comments my dad has made around children wouldn’t be suspicious on their own but of course at the moment it’s just going round and round in my head.

i agree that even if they are being bought and no child is ‘hurt’ it’s f’ed up and some child somewhere doesn’t know that an extension of them is being used in this way. That makes me highly disturbed and uncomfortable, so to the commenters saying these sort of ‘perversions’ are commonplace … I don’t doubt they occur more than we’d like to admit but does that mean I turn a blind eye? I’ve never thought of a child in that way ever and I guess I want to know what action, if any, to take should I know it is happening. I don’t think a 60yo having multiple pairs of childrens underwear is in any way, justly, explainable.

my brother and dad see each other rarely, they argue about money, but not really at the house. My parents split up when I was four, my mum doesn’t really talk to me because I’m gay and that’s a problem for her— thought I’d answer those as they’ve nothing to do with any suspicion but people are asking.

I think that’s everything answered from what I remember. I will call the NSPCC tomorrow.
thank you everyone for taking the time to answer x

OP posts:
risefromyourgrave · 05/06/2022 21:26

Just to say I’ve been getting the child modelling agency ads on my YouTube as well, and I can guarantee you that I have not been looking at anything that would link to that in an algorithm, just planty videos and caving gone wrong videos!
And my dad would save old pants (washed obvs) to use as rags which used to embarrass the hell out of me so he stopped.
BUT you know your dad better than anyone commenting on this thread, so if you think there’s something wrong, then it’s worth trusting your gut. I wish you luck.

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/06/2022 01:37

ChagSameachDoreen · 04/06/2022 01:29

This is the biggest reach I think I've ever seen on here.

Why are you so keen to excuse what is very clearly paedophile activity?

How is it a reach when those examples are real, from my home? I didn't invent them for the purposes of this thread.

I am not saying there is zero chance the OP's father is a paedophile, theres always a chance - i AM saying and someone has asked below your post that exactly question, there ARE reasons for having such things in your home without there being any paedophilia or any resident small child.

In the OP's case, I would discreetly dig a bit further, it is at best odd and may be nothing more than coincidence .. and may be not!

waterrat · 09/06/2022 04:29

@Rabbitinthefield please look at the website for the Lucy Faithful foundation. There is a phone number for anyone concerned about the behaviour of a family member in relation to online or real life child abuse.

The underwear is very concerning and sadly a huge number of men in the UK watch child abuse material online. Your father may at the least be behaving illegally online.

waterrat · 09/06/2022 04:31

Just to give some context. Every month in England and Wales over 900 men are arrested for online child sex abuse offences. It's a vast and growing issue and you have every right to be concerned that a man behaving like this may be acting illegally

Northernparent68 · 09/06/2022 08:02

Frazzledmummy123 · 03/06/2022 18:12

The 3 suggestions I have are:
As many others have suggested, contact the NSPCC anonymously for advice.
Or
Ask him outright (in a non-accusing way) and gauge his reaction. If he reacts badly to you asking, he is hiding something. However, I appreciate that being forthright about it reveals who 'reported it' in first place if it does go further.
Or
Ask to borrow his laptop to use internet and check his search history. Chances are, if he is looking at anything he isn't meant to, he'll have deleted it but you never know and it might give you a better idea of what's going on.

Good luck, I hope you get to the bottom of it and it turns out to be nothing. You have a right to be suspicious though.

checking Search history for indecent images of children is a matter for the
police. If he’s accessed that type of material and the op clicks on it then she’s accessed it as well

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