to think forgiving cheating is mature?

[youdroppedthis]

Hear me out.
I've been thinking about this for a while. No, not because my husband is cheating on me. But because I find myself thinking. Look at Victoria Beckham. So her husband slept with that silly woman and Victoria Beckam didn't LBT, she carried on and kept having a family with him and had another son the year after.
Now, instead of attending Brooklyn’s wedding to headlines of ‘VB meets estranged husband DB at son’s wedding, tensions high, etc. Etc. Etc.’
She attended with her husband as a family unit.

So, to think this is better? To think that had she left her life would have been worse?

What do you think of forgiving cheating?

Their marriage is a brand. They are worth more as a couple who appear to be together than as a divorced couple. A great deal of money and multiple large houses makes it easy to avoid each other very successfully.

My exhusband left me for a 17 year old. Our children have graduated 3 times and both are married. We have both remarried. It is perfectly possible to attend these events ,and have a lovely time, as divorced parents . You aren't married to each other but you are always the mother and father of one half of the couple getting married.

I think the opposite. Leaving a cheating spouse is mature. You're not burying your head in the sand and being taken for a mug.

I always got the impression they are as much a business partnership alongside the personal relationship, and together “Brand Beckham” continues, if they divorced this wouldn’t be the case and they wouldn’t have continued building their empire.

I wouldn’t say monetary considerations are a particularly mature reason to forgive infidelity tbh. But as good a reason as any I guess.

Those pictures were very sad. She was draped all over him and smiling as hard as she could but she just looked as if she was hanging on for dear life. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors but I absolutely don't think that staying makes you more mature.

I think it very much depends on the situation and is and should be a personal decision.

I know couples who have stayed together after cheating and have become much stronger and happy afterwards. It does happen. Noone should judge them for a decision that has worked for them.

Not cheating is the more mature approach.

YABU.

Seems as though you very much want to convince us/yourself (?) otherwise though.

Why is that OP?

So your argument is that if they’d gotten divorced, the papers would talk about them getting divorced and that’s… bad?
Divorce is just a thing that happens. It’s not good or bad.

This “rise above it” narrative is complete bollocks. It’s not rising above it to forgive. It’s accepting that you’re with someone who is okay with lying to you, deceiving you and possibly putting your health at risk. I tried to do the reconciliation stuff when I got cheated on, until I realised that if I wanted to be that much of a doormat I might as well write “Welcome” on my face.

If some people want to forgive their partner for cheating, that’s their choice. But I don’t think it’s particularly mature. Mostly I think it’s just sad that they’ve had to.

The fact that you felt the need to put in your Op that your husband isn't cheating and you use the term 'that silly woman' for Rebecca Loos suggests that things are not exactly as you would have us believe. Are you really hoping thst everyone will say its more mature to stay and you can shove your head in the sand until the next time .

I don't think it's as black and white as some people like to believe. I think I could forgive a completely one off drunken one night stand. I couldn't forgive repeated cheating or use of escorts. I'd find it hard to move on from a serious affair - where he lied to me for months, told the OW our marriage was over (as they always do).

YABU OP for several reasons.

First for starting with "hear me out" that is a phrase guaranteed to get my hackles up. Also this isn't Reddit AITH where that is overused.

Second: what would be a problem with a woman with her own business divorcing a man and then going to her son's wedding? This isn't the 1930s where divorce is a huge scandal.

Third: "silly woman"? Fuck that shit. It is entirely between the Beckhams if they stay together after he may or may not have slept with their nanny. When you have wealth you can pretty much do as you like. Marriage is still a business transaction, especially for the rich, and it is probably easier to keep that all together. Royal Families set the precedent here, i think.

What do i think of forgiving cheating? I have never ever in my nearly 60 years on this planet known a cheater who has done it only once. Some people can put up with that, some people think they can't afford to divorce (reputation, money, whatever), some people stay together "for the children" and live joyless lives that is also inflicted on the children. So no, i think the mature thing is to accept the reality and work out a way forward that makes you happy and causes least damage to your children. And in most cases i think separation is the answer, although it is really case-by-case.

Are you trying to find persuasive arguments why your OH shouldn't leave you after you've gone astray? Or are you trying to justify staying together? Or something else?

Its mature not to allow yourself to be a doormat by enforcing your boundaries and leaving. Life is too short to waste it on someone who really doesn’t give a shit.

By suggesting it’s mature to forgive infidelity, you’re suggesting that it’s immature not to do so. Which is, of course, nonsense.

I don’t know if a single cheater where it’s been an isolated incident. In fact a number of them follow a pattern, cheat, leave for the other woman, cheat on the other woman with another woman, leave for another woman, cheat on another woman, and so on.

Whether you forgive something is entirely a personal choice based on a persons circumstances. It’s neither inherently wise or laudable, or the opposite.

You can’t make these blanket statements. For all you know they may or may not have some arrangement where he goes off and plays around and she has lesbian lovers or toy boys but they only have children with each other. Who knows what goes on in other peoples lives. I know one couple who has had an open marriage for over 20 years on both sides but still happily married. They wouldn’t be impressed if it was all photographed and put on the front page of papers though, but given they are nobodies this doesn’t happen. Who knows, maybe she was always happy to turn a blind eye and just be content with the $$$ he brought to the family unit and the only issue was getting caught out by paps. Who knows, who knows, who knows.

I don't think it is mature. I do think it depends on the relationship. For me I can't imagine trusting the person again. However if we were in a bad place in our relationship, he had a drunken one off fling, very remorseful then who knows I might be able to or at least willing to try.

I can also understand those who try to continue relationship then realise they can't get back to what they had. I think even just trying to make sure it can't be saved is also a valid choice.

Can't lump those who try and those who don't as either mature or immature. Very much individual decision and either can be good or bad choice for that person/relationship.

The ultimate post in the handmaidens guide book. Poor men are often led astray by "silly women" and it is up to the wife to display "maturity" and forgive the silly sausage for his wandering sausage. Yeah no.

I don't think its mature. I think it can mean that you are too frightened to face living life independently and making choices for yourself - just as you partner did when they went off with someone else and more than likely lied through their teeth to cover their tracks.

I also always thought that I would forgive a one-off misdemeanour but when I discovered my XH had had a 9 month affair and then was starting the next one I felt differently. To realise that someone you loved and trusted and believed in was lying about visiting his very sick mother to shag his girlfriend in her student house and that he wasn't even in the country I thought he was when he went away for work, and to find his stash of teenage porn is shattering. I didn't really think the mature decision was to keep him for the sake of a future wedding. I think it was to recognise who he really was and to make the mature decision that I was better off following my own path in life. For good or ill.

👍🏻

Not only that but some posters seem to think he's finding her fashion business when in fact she had her own wealth and is a very successful designer in her own right.

A lot of countries are far more open minded about affairs. They are part of life since time began. There are lots of reasons to stay in a marriage and lots of people very happy with this.

A lot of countries are far more open minded about affairs.

I wonder if they tend to be countries where equality of the sexes has been slower to progress than elsewhere.

I think it can be mature in certain circumstances to work on the relationship (though counselling) and others the more mature response is to walk away. Each cheating situation is different, a one night stand is not the same as a long standing affair. Someone going through an emotionally difficult time that causes them to make a bad life decision, or other problems within the relationship are not the same as a serial cheat that has no respect for you or the relationship. Only the people in the relationship can ascertain those facts.
Its not a black and white, one size fits all solution.

The Beckham comparison is not a good example. There’s a huge amount of money invested in Brand Beckham plc so it’s impossible to know what the driving factor was behind her reasons to remain.

We also don’t know enough about the quality of their marriage to make a judgement. I have absolutely no idea whether the Beckhams still get on well or love each other. Yes they are still together but it may be a business relationship.

Also who cares about “maturity”? It’s not a relevant factor for me. If my husband or partner had cheated on me it would be a long way down the list of considerations.

There are circumstances where couples move beyond infidelity, yes. But doing so purely to maintain “maturity” would not be a key motive for me.

Personally I would really struggle to see a rationale for remaining with someone who had disrespected me in this fashion.

Because we are historically a Christian country, forgiveness is a wildly overrated virtue.

To me it just has no function. Someone harassed me to the point that I had a breakdown. I don't run around actively hating them, but I don't see what value it adds to my life to forgive them. I'm very happy with my life now without forgiving them.

It's a desire that belongs to people pleases who can't bear not to like everyone.

My aunt was married with 2 daughters and was cheated on. They were church going and there was a big scandal to be had when it all got out and she said it felt like staying and moving on was the easier option. When he did it the second time she decided she couldn't have her daughters growing up in that environment thinking that that was a healthy relationship just to avoid the stigma of divorce. I know which side I would feel is more mature.