to think forgiving cheating is mature?

[youdroppedthis]

Hear me out.
I've been thinking about this for a while. No, not because my husband is cheating on me. But because I find myself thinking. Look at Victoria Beckham. So her husband slept with that silly woman and Victoria Beckam didn't LBT, she carried on and kept having a family with him and had another son the year after.
Now, instead of attending Brooklyn’s wedding to headlines of ‘VB meets estranged husband DB at son’s wedding, tensions high, etc. Etc. Etc.’
She attended with her husband as a family unit.

So, to think this is better? To think that had she left her life would have been worse?

What do you think of forgiving cheating?

I think it’s mature to own and enforce your boundaries in a relationship and not to accept behaviour that infringes those boundaries. In an exclusive relationship my boundaries require that my partner not have relationships (romantic or sexual) with other people. I can stick to that for myself and can’t see why he couldn’t do the same. it’s not a sign of maturity to accept poor and disrespectful behaviour from the one person in the world who has voluntarily committed to treat you well. Have the courage of your convictions and if he/she doesn’t treat you well - leave and find someone who will.

I agree with others who’ve said there’s a massive difference in the reasoning of a woman who’s stays with a multimillionaire cheater with whom they’ve built a business empire over decades.
Look at Colleen Rooney. How many times has Wayne been caught out very publicly playing away, completely humiliating his wife? The way I look at it, there’s only one reason she’s stayed with him, and that’s the lifestyle. Surely she has no respect left for him.

You have no idea about the state of their marriage. YABU

It's a fear based reaction imo
Not VB specifically. Just generally
Anybody strong enough would see the trust was gone so starting again is the most obvious choice.
Some people really do see being single as terrifying but when you are not scared of being single, it's much clearer.
Why share your life with somebody who cheats on you?
Why would you?

Maybe she's staying with him for the kids sake. Maybe she decided long ago that infidelity is something she is willing to tolerate as long as something else happens. Maybe she cheats too. Maybe she's super miserable on the inside and holding it together because she thinks a failed marriage would be the worst thing to happen in her life. Maybe she doesn't give a crap because they fell out of love a long time ago but being the Beckhams is super important to her so they'll hold it together for the PR angle and the brand money-making impact. Maybe it's nothing to do with 'maturity'.

I don’t think any of us knows for certain how we would proceed in the circumstances. I’ve always said (to myself) that I would try to forgive but I don’t know if I’d actually be able to and in fact, now that our children are older and we’re on a financially secure footing, I think I might not bother to even try. Now that we’ve been married for more than 20 years, I think I would find the disrespect more corrosive and the practical arguments for trying to work through it have diminished. It’s much more complicated than being an issue of maturity.

No, I think the idea that the affair partner is a silly woman and a dignified wife rises above it and carries on with her life is part of the narrative women internalise to convince themselves it’s ok to stay and just tolerate this shitty behaviour.

I would imagine the Beckhams have a home(s) large enough to be estranged while living at the same address. Might make it a bit easier.

I disagree, not mature at all. Often the opposite. But it's not black and white anyway.

There seems to me a difference between cheating with one other person and serial cheating, and to an extent the time/length of the relationship before it happens makes a difference as to how I perceive it.

Some people (usually men) seem to have no intention of being faithful right from the start. Such men I will judge.

I don’t think things are ever black and white. Marriages can be very happy despite the odd mistake over time. I found out my Grandfather wasn’t always faithful on business trips after he died, but my grandparents adored one another and presented a very healthy and happy marriage. My Dad cheated on my Mum and she left him for three years, but they repaired their relationship for romantic reasons, and have become very suited companions in their old age who wouldn’t be without one another. Being unfaithful doesn’t necessarily make someone a different or bad person, depending on the circumstances in my opinion. Alcohol can also play a big part in unwise decision making for example which I think is forgivable to some extent. I know mine will be a very unpopular opinion. But I think people who are suited and happy are right to stay together following a mistake if they want to. If the household atmosphere is toxic, then that is a separate discussion altogether.

u are saying only an immature person would end a relationship if their partner was unfaithful.

that is ridiculous.

if you can, you can. It doesn't make you more mature, wiser or better.

personally, I could not forgive, love or respect someone who chose to treat me with the utter contempt that is required in order to repeatedly lie to me and to sink balls deep into another woman.

Why was Rebecca Loos a silly woman?

Was it proven that the affair happened though? I didn't think it was proven, Rebecca loos could have been making it all up. She was being persuaded by Max Clifford after all, doubt he'd give a shit if it was true or not, it was a chance to make a lot of money.

Maybe she stayed with him because he was able to prove to her that it wasn't true. It's not like she wasn't famous or rich in her own right, she didn't have to bother staying with him.

Don't be daft, OP. When a woman stays with her cheating husband, I don't think it's out of 'maturity'. It's almost always out fear and/or dependency (emotional or financial). Most would probably leave if they were in a strong financial situation, especially if they had no dc. Though some just accept bad treatment because they have low self-esteem and a low bar in terms of what they will tolerate in a relationship.

I agree with others, calling the affair partner a 'silly woman' is trying to divert attention away from the fact that it's David Beckham's behaviour that's relevant, not the personality or behaviour of the OW.

No, I think the idea that the affair partner is a silly woman and a dignified wife rises above it and carries on with her life is part of the narrative women internalise to convince themselves it’s ok to stay and just tolerate this shitty behaviour.

^ Absolutely this. It's also a very see-through attempt to maintain some pretend dignity in a humiliating situation.

They were a successful brand. I think sometimes that's got as much to do with famous couples ignoring infidelity as love has.

Lol at using the Beckhams as an example.

They stayed together because they could make more money that way. They are absolutely obsessed with making money.

I remember the pictures of them at a red carpet event after the Rebecca loos 'incident', that didn't make them look mature at all. In fact, it made Victoria look absolutely desperate 'claiming' her man. I remember feeling sorry for her.

I think women who leave their partner after they've cheated, are extremely brave as it is usually to their financial detriment.

So in summary OP, you are talking bollocks.

I don’t think VB is doing too badly considering. I wouldn’t break up my family unit either whereas some people would over things I consider minor. It’s their right to live how they want and tbh Colleen seems to be doing alright as well!
Marriage is a business agreement and I do believe that it’s the best arrangement within which to bring up children. VB and CR have done well out of it. WR is not attractive at all IMO but maybe she doesn’t have to shag him other than to procreate.

Monogamy is a social construct and so is romantic love. I don’t believe we are naturally monogamous at all; I know lots of people of both sexes who have been “unfaithful”. I don’t see it as a big deal. Society does though.

People are upset about “cheating” because they’ve been conditioned to think it’s bad. “My spouse had sex with someone else, society calls this cheating which is a loaded word. I am obliged to feel upset as that is what you do so I’m now upset”

If DH “cheated” and I never found out, who cares? I actually don’t. People on here will say it’s disgusting but that’s your moral standards and we are all entitled to have our own morals.

I dont think you chose exactly the right words.

But I do think we get a bit hysterical about it as a nation. Less so in other countries. And having been cheated on i do understand that jt is shocking and painful. But i do think that there is something in your post that resonates around many people struggling to have the conversations needed to sustain long term relationships. We can get a bit knee jerk and black and white.

Happy and fulfilled people in happy relationships don't turn to other people. When its been done to you thats another level of pain to acknowledge. But doing so and working through that is how relationships can thrive again:

I think we have no idea what goes on in that marriage, but I think it's highly likely that it's run along business lines and they've stayed together for the sake of the (very successful) brand. I don't think ordinary people would recognise it as a marriage. If that's true, they've made their choices and made it work for them and good luck to them.

In the real world, I don't think forgiving is really possible. You can let go of the hatred and pretend all is well, but the betrayal and distrust never goes away. Again, you can pretend for appearances sake and there may be good reasons to do that, which might be "mature" in that you've prioritised things above yourself, but I don't think V & D is a marriage to aspire to for personal happiness.

I think not starting threads about other people’s marriages would be the mature thing to do.

OP why no disdain for the one that cheated ? RL is a "is a silly woman" but not a word against the adulterer ! Has your Husband had an affair and you are only blaming the other woman ?

Many, many couples are together for reasons nothing to do with love.
One could say that the romantic notion of everlasting love is Hollywood creation and bears no resemblance to real relationships.
People fall in love, succumbing to the power of oxytocin and ride that wave for 6 months or so, after which, either a friendship or compatibility and companionship have developed and result in some of these relationships concluding in marriages.
In high net worth marriages, economic reasons for staying together are often far more important than emotional ones.
Divorce halves the assets and both parties lose.
No pussy -or cock- is worth losing half of ones net worth for.

Her life has nothing to do with yours.

I dont want a man who gets drunk and cheats, nor do i want one who could have stopped at flirting. Could have stopped before pursuing an alone situation with the hope of a kiss. Or the moment they were going to kiss. Or at a kiss. Or going home together.

I dont want a man who wants to cheat. And the best part is, I don't have to. I like living alone, I'm not scared of it. It's not a lesser option for me. So a man has to deserve to live with me.

I don't think you can make a black and white judgement. In the case of the Beckhams, do we know she's happy, that it was the best thing for her? Plenty of rumours that Rebecca Loos wasn't the last. So rather a naive post I think OP.