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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Commute + school run

101 replies

workingm · 01/06/2022 22:29

Hi all, first time poster, just want to scope views...

My partner and I both work full time. We have a 3 and 5 year old, both at two different schools (the youngest will start properly in Sept). We use schools that are out of our catchment area because none of our local ones have afterschool. I only have to commute into work 2-3 days a week, and not usually over the summer (I work at a university). But my commute is 1.20-1.30 hours + school run (x 2) = 2.5 hours one way (so approx 4 hours on the days I'm in). My partner has lots of meetings (but can usually work from home) so we usually do 1 school run each i.e. am or pm and he wants to keep it like this. I have a new job. My commute will now be 1.45-2hours before school run, and we were always planning to move. In terms of house hunting, I've said I think I should keep my commute to an hour max each way. This has been met with lots of resistance and calls of me being selfish. If I didn't have kids I would get on with it, but it's really hard to do my job and not get in until 10.30, or have to leave at 3.30 (even if only 3 days a week). Am I being unreasonable? Any suggestions about how to find a way through. TIA

OP posts:
nearlyspringyay · 01/06/2022 22:30

Breakfast club?

declutteringmymind · 01/06/2022 22:32

Childminder or nanny? You need someone who will take the children to their schools.

Original poster
workingm · 01/06/2022 22:33

Yeah we use that too. The difficulty is that even with breakfast club (and 2 schools) I still don't get in until 10-10.30 because of the commute

OP posts:
Original poster
workingm · 01/06/2022 22:33

OH won't use a childminder

OP posts:
Original poster
workingm · 01/06/2022 22:36

I should add - new commute will be 1.45-2 hours each way, before school run. What I am asking is if it is reasonable to suggest we live 1 hour commute max from my work

OP posts:
Schoolchoicesucks · 01/06/2022 22:36

Move to near the school(s) so the school run is negligible and there's "just" the commute to worry about?

Or get an after school nanny to do the after school pick up and bring the kids back home.

I agree with you that even just 3 times a week a 2 hour commute plus 1 hour(?) school run is not sustainable.

Any chance of moving schools and home at the same time so both are within the 1 hour travel time?

Jubileeeeeeee · 01/06/2022 22:36

You need to take control and use a childminder.

SnackSizeRaisin · 01/06/2022 22:38

I would move to within cycling distance of your new job and put your children in a school within the same distance. If your partner works from home it shouldn't affect him, should it? Why live so far from work and use 2 schools?

Forestgate · 01/06/2022 22:38

Why does your commute need to be so long if your OH is WFH? Sounds mental! Over an hour?! Poor you!

Momicrone · 01/06/2022 22:39

That's a crazy amount of travel, move nearer to work or get a job nearer to home, but definitely put the kids in a closer school and get an after school carer

MrsBlondie · 01/06/2022 22:42

not workable. Why are your kids at 2 different schools? Primary and secondary?
Move and put them I schools in your catchment for starters. 1 hour max commute seems sensible taking out school runs.

Starseeking · 01/06/2022 22:42

It's not feasible for you to do the school run at all, given the distance, on the days you are in work. I know how stressful it can be with combining the school run and commute, as I have about 7 minutes between dropping DC at breakfast club and getting on the train. Any delays mean I'll be 20 minutes late for a morning meeting with a micromanaging boss.

As your DH is WfH, he should do all the morning runs, then have your DC in after school club, he can pick them up at 5pm.

LizzieBet14 · 01/06/2022 22:45

OH won't have a childminder & so you put yourself through that ridiculous commute? Utter madness! My kids had a childminder all through primary school & loved her. She was amazing & they made great friends too. It was like home from home.
Have you even looked into what's available?

OwlinaTree · 01/06/2022 22:47

Your DH does the school run then if he's working from home.

Livpool · 01/06/2022 23:00

I wfh and do all school runs (assuming grandparents aren't helping out) if DH is in the office. I wouldn't expect him to go in late more than once a week

Original poster
workingm · 01/06/2022 23:10

Thanks all for messages. Really helpful to understand what others are doing. OH thinks we should share school runs equally, irrespective of commute. Which I'm more than happy/would love to do, but can't so easily if 1.30hr+ away at work!

OP posts:
Talipesmum · 01/06/2022 23:16

Your commute is really long and I can’t imagine many people with that commute are also trying to do the school run. I think it’s either / or. It’s not sensible to split the school run equally if your commute and the impact on your working days is so disproportionate.
Also, many people would use a childminder in this situation. We did. No way could we have done school runs and held down our jobs.

Starseeking · 01/06/2022 23:16

workingm · 01/06/2022 23:10

Thanks all for messages. Really helpful to understand what others are doing. OH thinks we should share school runs equally, irrespective of commute. Which I'm more than happy/would love to do, but can't so easily if 1.30hr+ away at work!

That doesn't work for you, you really shouldn't be more than happy to do it that way. Your DH doesn't sound all that happy for you to have taken this job, really.

Would he be suggesting for you to share school runs equally if he a 1.30 hour commute to follow???

It's not fair on you or your colleagues for you to get in at 10.30am (if you work 9am-5pm by the time I got settled down to work, I'd feel like half the day was gone!)

He's goes to have to suck up getting a childminder who drops and picks from your schools, or use breakfast/after school clubs to lengthen the DC's day.

Bemoreme21 · 01/06/2022 23:20

Why won't he use a childminder?

TheSpottedZebra · 01/06/2022 23:20

OwlinaTree · 01/06/2022 22:47

Your DH does the school run then if he's working from home.

This. Its really a no-brainer.
Is he supportive of you working in general? Out of the kitchen home I mean.

Does he have a Big Man Job and yours is just for pin money?

WakeMeUpWhenTheyHaveGone · 01/06/2022 23:25

50/50 is not always possible across every aspect of family life (childcare, household chores, etc vs working hours +commute time).

With your commute and your OH WFH, they should be doing both ends of the school run.

I wouldn’t agree to doing any school runs with a commute that long. It depends on the flexibility of your role. If your work arrival/leaving times are considered as you being late/leaving too early whenever you do the school runs, then you do not have the required work flexibility and the situation is not sustainable.

trainnane · 01/06/2022 23:26

You are massively not factoring in the kids needs here. They want to be part if local community. By juniors a lot of their mates will walk to school together etc.

Original poster
workingm · 01/06/2022 23:26

Starseeking · 01/06/2022 23:16

That doesn't work for you, you really shouldn't be more than happy to do it that way. Your DH doesn't sound all that happy for you to have taken this job, really.

Would he be suggesting for you to share school runs equally if he a 1.30 hour commute to follow???

It's not fair on you or your colleagues for you to get in at 10.30am (if you work 9am-5pm by the time I got settled down to work, I'd feel like half the day was gone!)

He's goes to have to suck up getting a childminder who drops and picks from your schools, or use breakfast/after school clubs to lengthen the DC's day.

Show quote history

Thanks starseeking, I agree, it is not sustainable. The challenge is, we are trying to agree where to move to. And he thinks I'm being unreasonable by suggesting we pick somewhere that is no more than 1 hour each way to work. His meetings mean he can't/won't do both school runs (even if on one day and not another) so what I'm struggling to figure out is how I can do a 9-5 day with the school run. He is absolutely against a childminder. But also wants us to be 'equal' so i.e. I must do am or pm school run each day. I have never used mumsnet before. Think I just wanted to check if I was being totally unreasonable, so thank-you for your perspective.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 01/06/2022 23:30

He needs to do the school run on the days you need to be in work (or accept a sensible childcare approach of a childminder/nanny) otherwise he needs to agree to move to a sensible commute to work. If you do the school run too I would say 30mins from work or 1hr total including school run is far enough especially for 3/5yr olds! (How is he going to cope when the kids want to do sports/Scouts etc or are they banned too?)

I take it he doesn't want to move or doesn't want to move to the area you now work in OP?

DelphiniumBlue · 01/06/2022 23:32

That is a ridiculous commute and of course you should be looking for somewhere with a shorter commute. If you have to do a school run, then commute really needs to be no more than 30 minutes for you to get into work at an acceptable time.
How can.you keep your job not getting in till10:30? And then having to leave so early?
And the DC need to be at the same school, presumably they will be come September?
OH sounds weird tbh, how can he think that his stance is fair? If he won't allow a childminder, he is going to have to step up.
Please don't make the mistake of allowing your income and earning capacity to take the hit here...he sounds controlling and in the event that you split you don't want to be left with financial difficulties. If you are not married you won't be entitled to anything other than child maintenance even if you have sacrificed working hours, salary and promotion to look after the kids so that he can concentrate on his career.
He should be taking at least half the working hours sacrifice to look after the Dc and do school run, it's totally unfair to expect you to be late for work when he could do it.