Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Commute + school run

101 replies

workingm · 01/06/2022 22:29

Hi all, first time poster, just want to scope views...

My partner and I both work full time. We have a 3 and 5 year old, both at two different schools (the youngest will start properly in Sept). We use schools that are out of our catchment area because none of our local ones have afterschool. I only have to commute into work 2-3 days a week, and not usually over the summer (I work at a university). But my commute is 1.20-1.30 hours + school run (x 2) = 2.5 hours one way (so approx 4 hours on the days I'm in). My partner has lots of meetings (but can usually work from home) so we usually do 1 school run each i.e. am or pm and he wants to keep it like this. I have a new job. My commute will now be 1.45-2hours before school run, and we were always planning to move. In terms of house hunting, I've said I think I should keep my commute to an hour max each way. This has been met with lots of resistance and calls of me being selfish. If I didn't have kids I would get on with it, but it's really hard to do my job and not get in until 10.30, or have to leave at 3.30 (even if only 3 days a week). Am I being unreasonable? Any suggestions about how to find a way through. TIA

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 02/06/2022 02:05

Are there schools that your DC can get into within 30 mins from your place of work? Can you afford to live in that area? That’s where I’d be moving to. If your DH has no issue with you doing a 2 hour commute after dropping the DC at school then he will have no issue with doing the same himself.

And yes he is gibbing off controlling vibes, especially as all he is interested in doing is laying down the law without taking anyones needs into consideration.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 02/06/2022 03:34

You need to be near the schools. Your commute is way too long, your dh is being really unreasonable. How would you manage a child needing to be collectes
from school asap? I’m sure your work is flexible, but the drive isn’t, is fixed looong drive.
@workingm what would your Dh do if you had an accident and were immobile, off work in a hospital? Or worse, died? Bet he would move closer to the schools or have a child minder to make his life easier. He needs to have that mind set now, to make both your and your kids lives easier.
yanbu to want to live a lot closer (assuming you can afford to).

Pickabearanybear · 02/06/2022 04:18

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

InChocolateWeTrust · 02/06/2022 05:25

Your main problem is trying to both work and not use any wraparound care!

Yanbu to want a shorter commute.

You need to agree a pattern where you do half the pick ups/drop offs but that needs to include wraparound care to cover a proper working day.

InChocolateWeTrust · 02/06/2022 05:26

Oh and you need to live much much closer to your kids schools. Walking distance so they can go to the same one.

autienotnaughty · 02/06/2022 05:27

Childminders tend to do the schools in their area so would only help in that there's only 1 drop off. I'd say you can't do school runs anymore due to time you start work.

user1471468988 · 02/06/2022 05:49

My husband has a 1.5 hrs commute and I work from home. School is a 7 minute walk away. The way we make it work is to use breakfast club and I cut my hours so I can pickup at 3 although could have used after school club as an alternative. My husband doesn't do any school runs on his office days as it would be completely unworkable. He works at home one day amd does both school runs that day so I can work a really long day.

Your situation sounds super stressful. We now have clubs amd activities after school which further complicate things so it will only get worse. I don't think it's realistic to do drop off or pickup with even a 1 hour commute to be honest.

WakeMeUpWhenTheyHaveGone · 02/06/2022 05:58

In response to your actual question, it’s reasonable to expect to have a maximum commute time of one hour (kid or no kids!).

Your OP sounds very unreasonable and controlling. Every single aspect of your relationship/life should be up for discussion. Why does he feel that you should not have a say in whether you use a Childminder?
It’s very odd that you don’t even know his rationale for why he doesn’t want to use one. There’s no way that would fly with me. Welcome to MN!

MummyGummy · 02/06/2022 06:04

If he works from home and rarely goes into the office you should live near your workplace and send the children to the closest school. It’s not fair on them to be stuck in wraparound care all day at such a young age. Then you can both continue to share drop off/pick ups. If he’s not able to do this currently then how about he reduces his working hours to fit around the children on the days you work?

WakeMeUpWhenTheyHaveGone · 02/06/2022 06:07

*Your OH sounds unreasonable and

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 02/06/2022 06:10

I can see why he wouldn’t want to move, what if you change jobs?

I can’t believe he won’t do the school drop offs, it’s pretty unbelievable and is blocking a child minder. I do the drop offs of my non working days and my OH on my working days as I need to be in work for 8 and he works at home!

HappyHappyHermit · 02/06/2022 06:12

Move on your own, he sounds incredibly selfish.

BungleandGeorge · 02/06/2022 06:14

I’m confused by your timings. How far are the schools from your house and from work? So you leave home about 7 for it to take an hour to get both to breakfast club which is presumably about 8am. It then takes you a further 21/2 hours to get to work? It takes an hour to drop children at school, so how long does it take to get home again? How are you gaining anything over using a local school with no travel? If your husband drops the kids at breakfast club what time does he actually make it back home?

pearly1792 · 02/06/2022 06:43

But you do have children. An hour each way is enough for both of you. You are not being unreasonable what your doing is heading for burnout. You can't be a good mother with the sort of commute your doing. When your with your children you have to be not only physically present but emotionally and intellectually present as well. Do you really think you can do that long run with nearly 3 hours of commuting on top of your work. What happens if the school rings and they are hurt or got sick and you have to pick them up. Your close to 90 minutes away

Your definitely not being unreasonable. I'd be a lot more unreasonable. In fact with 2 children after childcare costs how much are you taking home. Can you ask to work from home.

pearly1792 · 02/06/2022 06:44

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 02/06/2022 03:34

You need to be near the schools. Your commute is way too long, your dh is being really unreasonable. How would you manage a child needing to be collectes
from school asap? I’m sure your work is flexible, but the drive isn’t, is fixed looong drive.
@workingm what would your Dh do if you had an accident and were immobile, off work in a hospital? Or worse, died? Bet he would move closer to the schools or have a child minder to make his life easier. He needs to have that mind set now, to make both your and your kids lives easier.
yanbu to want to live a lot closer (assuming you can afford to).

Actually you hit on something perhaps a childminder who comes to OP's house would be worth it. They can drop the children off and pick them up until either OP or her husband gets home.

welshladywhois40 · 02/06/2022 06:46

Sorry this is nuts and you are lucky to have an employer who lets you be in 10.30 to 3.30 (I am sure you work other hours to catch up).

I commute 90 mins each way 3 days a week and partner is wfh and he does the majority of the nursery runs.

balalake · 02/06/2022 06:49

Do you really have to do three days a week? Could it be only one, and arrangements such as wraparound care be for one day.

londonrach · 02/06/2022 06:51

It's too long. Can you move house or move the school. What happens if one child is sick at school..one of you is expected to collect asap

Bournetilly · 02/06/2022 06:57

Of course YANBU for wanting less than an hours commute.
But he should do the school run on days when you need to go into work, if he wants it to be equal could you do it twice a day when you are working from home? I feel like it’s ridiculous having to be that equal! Surely whoever it is more convenient for will do the school run.

hupfpferd · 02/06/2022 07:02

It's simple.
Either you can't take the new job, or you have to move as close as possible to your new work and get the kids into a school locally in that area.

I can vaguely understand that your partner is concerned that he will have a much longer commute on the days he goes to the office, but if the two of you have jobs that are hours away from each other it just doesn't work!

The main point is that the kids need to move schools AND he needs to get over the childminder phobia.

MuchoMistrust · 02/06/2022 07:08

This is insane.

Does your new employer know you'll be turning up at 10.30 and/or leaving at 3.30?

You either need a dh who pulls his weight or proper childcare, you currently have neither.

strawberry2017 · 02/06/2022 07:13

OH is a dick, he should do the school runs as it clearly works for him but not you.
I think it shows how little respect he has for you and your work.
Is he like this in other areas of life to?

SafelySoftly · 02/06/2022 07:14

How the hell is your meeting job going on work if you don’t rock up til 10.30 😳Aren’t you worried about being sacked? You should have used a nanny/child minder not ended up somewhere just because of wrap around. I suggest OH gets a job in the nee City too and you and kids all move. Insane!

Intrigueddotcom · 02/06/2022 07:16

Your “life” sounds more like a profoundly unpleasant existence, for all the family

i don’t think I have ever more seen a thread that more needs the advice that you need to change jobs

NoToLandfill · 02/06/2022 07:18

It is impossible to do a 9-5 job and not employ a childminder.

Your DH is deluded.

He is being ridiculously unreasonable. Family life is not always equal. That is a ridiculous aim.

Keeping your job, happy kids at school - everything else needs to flex to achieve those.