Commute + school run

[workingm]

Hi all, first time poster, just want to scope views...

My partner and I both work full time. We have a 3 and 5 year old, both at two different schools (the youngest will start properly in Sept). We use schools that are out of our catchment area because none of our local ones have afterschool. I only have to commute into work 2-3 days a week, and not usually over the summer (I work at a university). But my commute is 1.20-1.30 hours + school run (x 2) = 2.5 hours one way (so approx 4 hours on the days I'm in). My partner has lots of meetings (but can usually work from home) so we usually do 1 school run each i.e. am or pm and he wants to keep it like this. I have a new job. My commute will now be 1.45-2hours before school run, and we were always planning to move. In terms of house hunting, I've said I think I should keep my commute to an hour max each way. This has been met with lots of resistance and calls of me being selfish. If I didn't have kids I would get on with it, but it's really hard to do my job and not get in until 10.30, or have to leave at 3.30 (even if only 3 days a week). Am I being unreasonable? Any suggestions about how to find a way through. TIA

You definitely need to move closer to work. That commute is not sustainable. And OH needs to either do both school runs or agree to using a childminder.

He sounds like a twat.

how far away is your kids schools from your work? Kids schools should ideally be close to your home - it’s where they will back friends/will want to go to same evening activities as friends/weekend parties will be close by etc etc

unless you have extreme flexible working then work isn’t going to be happy with you being late/leaving early every day.
could you do both school runs on the days you wfh and he does it on the days he does?
or you use breakfast/afterschool club - the hours still won’t fit with your commute but he can drop them /pick them up before and after work that way eg drop them at 8am and be back at his desk for 9am meeting. Equally can finish meeting at 5pm and then go pick up the kids.
menu doesn’t he want to use a childminder?
or you could get a nanny or au pair? Au pair that drives might work if he’s at home anyway as won’t be on thier own with the kids.

Thanks LittleOwl153, this is my longer term worry too - aside from the annoyance of a commute for me, I want to be closer to the kids/school clubs/friends as they get older. But, OH is hearing 'commute' and thinking I'm being selfish. I didn't think proposing 1 hour each way limit was a bad thing. I don't want to be that far away from home/my kids

Why does he think you are being selfish? Why does he get to do meetings yet you can’t because of having to commute so far.

Turn it back on him, tell him you too need to be in the office by 9 ( boss has started to notice less hours blah blah ) for your career so what solution does he suggest?

Honestly if he’s sole argument is you are selfish it’s actually him being selfish and a very poor argument

It needs to be a decision that benefits the whole family unit and this commute isn’t benefiting anyone except him it seems

So he doesn’t want to do more of the school runs himself, doesn’t want to factor your commute time into a house move, and doesn’t want to get a childminder either? Does he really resent you having a job or something?

I wouldn’t be up for an hour commute each way on top of school run either. That’s still too much on top of working day and looking after your children. Life and marriage don’t work out 50:50 in everything. It’s about give abs take. I bet he doesn’t do everything else exactly 50:50. He is being very unreasonable. Why does he get the final say on whether you use a childminder?

Surely he does all the school runs on the days you commute and you can do it on the other days. He seems quite mean and unsupportive

It sounds like your husband calls all the shots in your house. Why?
Of course a family move to where one party's job is, when the other 3 members of the family are able to easily.
Are your work ok for you to turn up at 10.30am anyway?
Why not use a childminder for 'your' school run, he can do his own if he doesn't want to use the childminder.

Ok need more info how long is his current commute since he can work from home some of the time means he still needs to be in his work place why the hell would you take a job thats a huge commute when you had one with less and by placing the kids in out of catchment schools you made your life even harder if by you moving within an hour of your new job is that over an hour from his work place

I never understand people that make life so difficult for themselves

Our childminder is in the village where we live about 3 mins away and works from 7am - 6pm - your DP refusing to use a childminder is absolutely mental ours is amazing

I drive 15 mins to work my partner about 20 minutes in the other direction.

I would never dream of putting myself thru that much stress it's just ridiculous

Yes I agree with tou. You need to move to a home, with less than an hours commute each way. You need a childminder. Husband works from home, so he needs to drop off and pick up from the childminder's.

I’ve no advice but that honestly sounds like a massive headache. Hats off to you.

We currently live in one area. My 3 and 5 year old were not offered places in the same school. Part of the reason for this is that we had to apply out of our catchment area because our catchment area has NO breakfast/afterschool provision. So, we had to apply to schools further away in order to work. We have been planning to move for some time. We need a bigger place. I now have a new job, in the same city, so we need to decide where to move house, and schools (hopefully this time the same school and closer to home). So I am not taking a job that is away from 'his' workplace. As I said in my first post he usually works from home. All I am asking is if it is reasonable to try and agree a place to live/local schools that are under 1 hour each way from my workplace.

This was my first post/use of mumsnet ever and need to log off and get some sleep now. Just want to say thank-you to everyone who has posted and offered suggestions.

If he's WFH you should live two mins from work

OH thinks we should share school runs equally, irrespective of commute.

Why?!! This is just so unfair and I don’t understand why you’re being so accepting of it?!

I've always taught my kids that fair isn't (always) the same as equal, sounds like your other half needs to learn that same lesson.

This cartoon sums it up nicely.

You should move to the city you are working in.

You still never said his commute time just because he can do most work from home does not mean all his work can be done from home so his commute counts too

Less than 30 mins cycle currently. His office have a policy that he does not have to come in at all. You seem to have missed the point of my original post, but thanks for your contribution

Sorry op but your husband is taking the piss. Why is a childminder so unacceptable?

Not sure. Has never been open for discussion

2 hours each way. That’s a crazy commute. I go on holidays with less travel!

Having tried to leave the forum, I got sucked back in. Anyway, I think this is a lovely message, and one I also try to teach my little ones. Lovely pic. I will show them tomorrow :)

He needs to do both school runs on days you commute into work - especially if he won’t move nearer to your job.

Lots of men (women don’t seem to do this) do the school run with mobile in hand at our primary, listening in to a meeting whilst there. Just the way it is. I don’t mean the same dads do it every day, but several do it sometimes.

If he using after school club or a CM he presumably will rarely have a meeting cross pick up time. It’s dickish to say he’ll never use a CM.

it seems a no brainer to me that the on WFH does the school runs, or sorts out some kind of wrap around at least.