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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Commute + school run

101 replies

workingm · 01/06/2022 22:29

Hi all, first time poster, just want to scope views...

My partner and I both work full time. We have a 3 and 5 year old, both at two different schools (the youngest will start properly in Sept). We use schools that are out of our catchment area because none of our local ones have afterschool. I only have to commute into work 2-3 days a week, and not usually over the summer (I work at a university). But my commute is 1.20-1.30 hours + school run (x 2) = 2.5 hours one way (so approx 4 hours on the days I'm in). My partner has lots of meetings (but can usually work from home) so we usually do 1 school run each i.e. am or pm and he wants to keep it like this. I have a new job. My commute will now be 1.45-2hours before school run, and we were always planning to move. In terms of house hunting, I've said I think I should keep my commute to an hour max each way. This has been met with lots of resistance and calls of me being selfish. If I didn't have kids I would get on with it, but it's really hard to do my job and not get in until 10.30, or have to leave at 3.30 (even if only 3 days a week). Am I being unreasonable? Any suggestions about how to find a way through. TIA

OP posts:
avocadotofu · 02/06/2022 07:20

This is utterly crazy! Your husband sounds controlling and self centred. I was wondering if putting the children in the same school and using a before/after school nanny would work? As you have two I don't think it would be too expensive. How far are the schools from where you live?

Shoxfordian · 02/06/2022 07:21

OH is not on your team; he’s selfish
Is he like this about other things too? Does he do any housework?

fireandpaint · 02/06/2022 07:31

Why doesn't he want a childminder/nanny? I have children the same age and I don't know anyone where both parents work full time without a nanny or significant family help.

WooNoodle · 02/06/2022 07:38

He's being ridiculous. What you're proposing is perfectly reasonable. As long as you're not automatically ruling out houses because they are 1 hr and 5 minutes away if its a better house.

RicStar · 02/06/2022 07:41

Does your DH not like the location where your job is? Is it more or less expensive/ rural / urban / away from your friends. I wouldn't be happy to be forced to move somewhere if I hadn't had much input in the job / location decision (I dont know if this is the case here).

Even if DH can work from home most of the time he might not want to be forced to, we are finally having more people come back into the office, and suddenly everyone wants to be there a day or so a week. Doing some of those meetings in person, just might be easier / nicer for him.

Your 3 year old could surely be in a local nursery to your home or work so I dont understand that either. You could split so you deal with the 3yr old and DH does the school run. Or he does mornings and you do pick ups. The problem seems to be a lack of discussion / compromise but this might be on both sides.

eurochick · 02/06/2022 07:51

I'll just observe that if the sexes were reversed there would be no question that the person wfh does all the school runs. I expect there would be rather less debate about living closer to the job of the commuting person too...

metellaestinatrio · 02/06/2022 09:32

Your husband sounds like a dick. He can’t refuse to do school runs and also veto a childminder. Can’t you balance it out so that you do drop off and pick up when you’re working from home and he does both on the other days? And would he accept after school club as an alternative to a childminder? Or are you already using that but still can’t get back in time for pick up?

DinaofCloud9 · 02/06/2022 11:53

Of course you are right. I don'tike the sound of your husband. I hope he insists on half each for all aspects of parenting. You both get up in the night half the time, you both make meals half the time, do half the washing each etc?

luckylavender · 02/06/2022 11:57

workingm · 01/06/2022 22:33

OH won't use a childminder

Well then he had to take a bigger role.

Hankunamatata · 02/06/2022 12:06

I'd be looking for transport links. Ideally a train to uni you work at. And a school that can accommodate both kids.

Caterina99 · 02/06/2022 12:13

This is ridiculous. You need childcare for your OH working hours on the days you have to go to the office. He does the drop off and pickups on those days.

presumably the other days a week you wfh so you can do both the drop off and pick up and you either use wrap around care or you presumably work extra hours in the evening?

To me that is fair. 10 school runs a week and you basically do half each.

No way can you do a school run and a 2 hour commute!

ancientgran · 02/06/2022 12:20

But my commute is 1.20-1.30 hours + school run (x 2) = 2.5 hours one way (so approx 4 hours on the days I'm in).

Are your children doing a 5 hr commute to school and back each day? That is ridiculous. I think you need to concentrate on getting the children closer to school or finding a school nearer to you. If it's 2.5 hrs because the children are in opposite directions then can you and your husband do one child each?

Your commute is awful but I'm afraid I'd be prioritising the children.

DamnUserName21 · 02/06/2022 12:21

GoldenOmber · 01/06/2022 23:44

So he doesn’t want to do more of the school runs himself, doesn’t want to factor your commute time into a house move, and doesn’t want to get a childminder either? Does he really resent you having a job or something?

^^This.
Your DH is a selfish prick!

TheOriginalClownfish · 02/06/2022 12:43

I think I'd actually be asking him if he's deliberately trying to sabotage your job.

I've a 2.5 hr commute daily, some occasional flexibility to log in from home but for a good chunk of my job I need to be in the office. OH works from home full time with occasional trip for work a few times a year.

So it stands to reason that not only does he do the entire school run, that on the days he cant, he's the one that needs to source childcare. He'll ask me first, and if I can, I will, but if not, he's the one seeing if SIL is available and if not, book after-school care.

I'd lose a lot of respect for him if he thought he could sit at home on his hole drinking tea a five minute drive from the school leaving me to leave work undone, leave colleagues in the lurch and risk my job to drive for an hour and a half to pick up our kiddo just so I do 'half'.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/06/2022 12:51

He is absolutely against a childminder.

Why? Something has got to give here.

Although I think it was unwise of you to apply for a job with such a long commute when you were already having issues fitting in the existing school run etc.

PumpkinPie2016 · 02/06/2022 13:01

This whole situation sounds insane to me!

1 hour 30 min commute is a lot plus the added complications of two different school runs - it must be exhausting for both you and the children!

I get that you picked out of catchment schools because of wrap around but it does add a layer of complexity to your life.

I think a very frank discussion is needed around the following options:

You move to within an hour of your work/near to kids schools.

Or, you stay put for the time being, move the kids to the local school and employ a nanny/childminder like sensible people do.

I know you need a bigger place but option 2 would be my choice, even if you move but then have the kids in the local school with wraparound care of some description.

Anything else just seems ludicrous to me. That said, I've always worked 20 mins drive from home on local roads and my son is in the village school - no way would I be doing a 2 hour commute/school run.

FlippityFlapperty · 02/06/2022 13:10

Your daily travel is ridiculous and I’m struggling to understand why your partner is telling you that you’re selfish and refusing to allow you to get a childminder. He’s not the one having to juggle as much as you and he can also WFH. Unless I’m missing something key, he’s actually the one who sounds pretty selfish.

Glittertwins · 02/06/2022 13:40

Even my teen DD thinks your DH is being stupid and unreasonable. She asked me how many DC the OP had and then remarked "well she's got one more then"

RandomMess · 02/06/2022 13:48

If he wants fair and equal then you need to have the same commute as him.

Fair and equal also means the same leisure time which doesn't include looking after DC or doing household chores.

I recommend you read "wifework" he is being so unreasonable and doctoral. Basically live where he wants, use the childcare he wants with zero care for the impact on you or the DC.

buckeejit · 02/06/2022 22:05

This is so unreasonable of your dh-he should do all drop offs & pick ups when you're working. Anything else is mental but you're making your lives so hard by sending them to separate schools. I'd start looking for a childminder & get them to the same school nearby asap.

You need to ask what his problem is with CMs. I'm a CM, some are good, some not so good but as with everything you will learn a lot from meeting them. If he won't agree to a CM then he should sort out childcare/pick ups etc.

Hope you manage to get sorted OP

pearly1792 · 02/06/2022 22:27

He wants you to be equal yet what he says goes.

pearly1792 · 02/06/2022 22:38

OP what would happen if you just told your husband your getting a minder as you can't do the school runs and get to work anymore. It's taking a toll on your physical and mental health. Stop asking him but told him.

And that would be truth if not know very soon. So you may as well stop asking in this situation and start telling.

pearly1792 · 02/06/2022 22:38

*now

DancinOnTheCeiling · 02/06/2022 22:58

Haven’t read everyone’s posts but just wanted to say @workingm:
Equal doesn’t mean the same. If you both worked in the same place under the same circumstances then yes, taking turns to both do one school run per day makes sense but under your circumstances it’s not sustainable and is a really silly/rigid idea to make you do one school run out of principle.

HairyScaryMonster · 03/06/2022 14:50

If he's wfh he should do both, presumably wraparound is 8-6 at least so he can do it outside of his working hours?