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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be terrified of telling my mother I’m divorcing and I’m gay?

78 replies

ScaredANDalone123 · 31/05/2022 22:16

My mum is very critical and judgmental and we’ve had a strained relationship for as long as I can remember.
Ive been cohabiting for a year now with my soon to be ex husband after coming out as gay.
Its been very stressful and difficult as we have 2 children.
I couldn’t bring myself to tell my mother about any of it.
Im seeing her Saturday after not seeing her for a few months and know I have to tell her - the kids will no doubt mention something soon and Christmas will roll around and she will ask.
I feel sick.

OP posts:
BracedlnEndIessJanuary · 01/06/2022 13:22

No, but at least they (and him) know you were not rejecting him per se. Unless you have been closeted all your life and having secret affairs then you have not been unfair - I would say that if a man came out as gay also.
Clearly, as your son has already told her, your Mum knows you are gay but has chosen to ignore it. What she said re your kids was not okay.
You do not need her validation or permission. If she cannot deal with it, that is on her...but she cannot blame you if you end up LC - and should remember that as she could have avoided it all (okay, maybe not the last bit, I am petty).

BracedlnEndIessJanuary · 01/06/2022 13:27

I think the lesson from the last pp is that sometimes people can change and sometimes they can surprise you - she might be hostile and rejecting now but perhaps later down the line, she will be more amenable and accepting. No idea of her age, background or generation, but assuming traditional/conservative...in time, she may come around. In the meantime, focus on your kids and your relationships.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/06/2022 13:29

A best friend of mine in her 20's and after being engaged to a man and having 2 children came out as gay to her parents.

I think at first they were shocked (her dad definitely was but parents were divorced). After a few years I won't say her mum was exactly thrilled as she had lots of gay relationships with drama. Her mum was a lapsed Catholic (now dead).

If it were me I'd write to her (letter) and go from there.

Hbh17 · 01/06/2022 13:30

Stop caring about what your mother thinks - your situation is nothing to do with her!
If she is unkind, just stop visiting or contacting her.
Job done, and you can get on with a happy life.

Original poster
ScaredANDalone123 · 01/06/2022 16:41

I guess it’s because the horrible things she says are things I’m genuinely worried about.
If I had told her I was gay and it was homophobic slurs, I would cope fine as I would just think she was ignorant and a bigot but it’s the underlying worry I’ve had since this has all happened that makes me feel generally weak and hard to come up against anyone.
Ive had so much counselling to cope with it all but still have lots of times where I just don’t feel I am at all.
Ive only told my 2 closest friends about any of this - so I’m so so grateful for the support I’ve had here.
Thankyou.

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 01/06/2022 16:46

Op if you are actually getting sick over seeing her then don’t! You don’t need to be in contact with someone this nasty and unsupportive who makes you feel like this

Elsiebear90 · 01/06/2022 16:55

I came out to my mum years ago, different situation as I haven’t got kids and was not with a man, but she reacted very badly, took her the best part of two years to accept it. I’m getting married to my fiancée in two weeks and she’s over the moon and so supportive, I don’t regret telling her at all and being my true self was the best decision I ever made.

During those two years I just kept reminding myself that:

  • I don’t need her approval to be myself
  • There is nothing wrong with being gay
  • This is her issue not mine
  • I don’t need to make myself miserable and unhappy to make others more comfortable
Your mother sounds incredibly unsupportive, manipulative and selfish. My advice would be to limit contact and end the discussion, you leaving your husband is nothing to do with her and you don’t need her approval or blessing to do so. If she can’t support you as a mother should that her is flaw and is no reflection on you. If she would expect you to be unhappy to make her comfortable and not rock the boat then that’s her failing as a mother. You are not responsible for her feelings and behaviour in regards to your marriage and sexuality.
BEAM123 · 01/06/2022 23:21

I'm quite interested in what you said here. In terms of being a straight person in a relationship with someone who later came out as gay...what did you notice was different in a relationship with someone who was also hetero, besides probably more interest in sex!?

BEAM123 · 01/06/2022 23:23

ForgottenWhyImHere · 01/06/2022 12:44

Congratulations on having taken the step and told her!

Now just do your best to ignore any nonsense she comes out with. Your children will be fine if they see that you and their dad are fine.

I can understand why people would say to soften the blow to your mum with other reasons why your marriage wasn't working. But, having been through this from the other side, the sexuality issue is at the heart of it. I didn't realise until I was in a new relationship with a straight man just how much of a difference it made. I thought maybe it was just the physical side of things that might be different, but it's a very different kind of love in a relationship that isn't mismatched in terms of sexuality. Hard to explain without writing a massive essay but saying there were other reasons does a huge disservice to the straight partner (and the gay partner). Of course there can be communication issues and so on, but a couple can work on those - you can't 'work on' misaligned sexual orientation! It also gives the impression that a relationship with a different man might work out, when that's not the case.

Anyway, it doesn't sound like that's what you're doing and I appreciate that I'm coming at this from the abandoned straight partner's perspective.

Maybe make sure that you can limit your first in-person meeting with her. Stay with a friend, or in a hotel or something so you can just walk away if she's unpleasant.

I honestly think you've got the hardest part over with now. At least, I hope so.

My last post was meant to quote this ... interested in what you found different when you had a relationship with a hetero guy after being with a closeted gay one, besides the obvious?

Strawberriesaregreat · 01/06/2022 23:44

Don't beat yourself up OP. It could've equally been that you split with your dh for many different reasons. It doesn't matter what the reason is., you're no longer compatible.It's not your fault. You can't live a lie. It's actually teaching your dcs to be their true self and eventually they'll see that. You're brave and strong. Sounds like one of your dcs gave it away to your mum anyway so she won't be as surprised as you think.
If she doesn't accept it then that's sad but you can't avoid telling her. Once its out there, its out there. She'll have to get over it. She might surprise you with her reaction.
I wish you all the best.

violetbunny · 02/06/2022 01:45

Why do you even have to see her at all?

Yes she is your parent.... but she isn't being supportive. Seriously, you don't need people like this in your life. If you must tell her then do it in writing, but honestly - do not put yourself through a visit to her if it's not adding anything to your life.

I also recommend you look up FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and think about why you feel your mum needs to be involved.

5zeds · 02/06/2022 01:57

Most people don’t try to force their children to have intimate relationships that don’t satisfy them. It’s a revolt thing to do. I don’t expect you want to spend much time with your mother. Your children on the other hand sound like they understand the situation and your dh is dealing with it. I think just ignore whatever she comes up with it’s a bit of nonsense.

octoberfarm · 02/06/2022 02:57

I just wanted to say that this sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for you to be in all around, and that I know from experience how painful it can be when someone comes at you with comments that underline your worst fears/draw on the guilt you already feel. But you realized how you were feeling, you were honest about it and now you have every right to live the life you want, with a person you truly want to be with. You deserve that. Your kids (no matter what she might say) clearly love you and understand what's going on and are not going to suddenly ditch you down the line. You're their Mum. I imagine she's just drawing on that because she knows that that's what will make you doubt yourself most. As a PP mentioned, I can't imagine ever wanting my child to stay in a relationship that made them physically and emotionally uncomfortable in any way, and she's not reasonable to expect you to "stick it out" and force yourself to keep sleeping with someone you loved but were not attracted too. You only get one chance at life, and all you can do is do your best. It sounds like that's what you're doing. I hope one day she's able to be proud of you for how far you've come, but I don't doubt your kids will be right there with you, no matter what.

Bogeyes · 02/06/2022 03:35

What has your sexuality got to do with your mother? Or anybody else for that matter. Its no one else's business. Why mention it? Nobody ever tells other people that they are straight ...its nothing to do with them.

Peoniesandpeaches · 02/06/2022 04:45

Bogeyes · 02/06/2022 03:35

What has your sexuality got to do with your mother? Or anybody else for that matter. Its no one else's business. Why mention it? Nobody ever tells other people that they are straight ...its nothing to do with them.

This nonsense is only ever said by straight people! Straight people don't have to do it because they are the default. It smacks of being only ok with the gays if they keep quiet and don’t rock the boat.

OP being fully out the closet is worth the people I’ve lost…. And I did lose my mum. She’s civil in public but I’ve been iced out of the family and I’ve been told she’s even taken down my baby pictures that used to hang in the house. As painful as that was/is being my authentic self and not burdened by secrets has been so freeing. Shame was killing me- I was so worried of how others perceived me that I was barely living and never felt I was worthy of happiness.

I’d recommend you pull off the bandaid and message her then make it clear that you will only visit if she can behave herself. You and your boys deserve that.

balalake · 02/06/2022 06:53

Not easy, though one thing I noticed was your two DS and their reaction, love for you and your DH not condemnation of your being gay.

Porcupineintherough · 02/06/2022 09:52

Bogeyes · 02/06/2022 03:35

What has your sexuality got to do with your mother? Or anybody else for that matter. Its no one else's business. Why mention it? Nobody ever tells other people that they are straight ...its nothing to do with them.

Seriously? Straight people font need to tell people they are straight because it's the default and so is assumed. And do you really think that being gay is something that only affects what happens I the bedroom?

ForgottenWhyImHere · 02/06/2022 11:26

@BEAM123 I'm busy getting ready to host a BBQ, but I will come back to you later about the difference between being with someone who subsequently turned out to be gay and a straight guy. Though don't want to detract from the OP's issue.

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 02/06/2022 12:33

OP, you really sound like you've really tried to be considerate to all parties, maybe to your own detriment.
Straight people will never understand how difficult it is to acknowledge, process and then start to open up about being gay, especially when there has been a marriage and children.
I really feel for you regarding how your Mother has responded to your message. Whilst you'd anticipated a negative, unsupportive reaction, it's not 'til it actually happens, that it really hits home.
Sending you 💚 and I really hope you find happiness with your girlfriend. 💚

BEAM123 · 02/06/2022 13:06

ForgottenWhyImHere · 02/06/2022 11:26

@BEAM123 I'm busy getting ready to host a BBQ, but I will come back to you later about the difference between being with someone who subsequently turned out to be gay and a straight guy. Though don't want to detract from the OP's issue.

Thank you, hope the BBQ goes well. Feel free to start a new thread and tag me, or DM me. I'm still processing for myself what made the difference that made my straight relationships not work, besides the obvious lack of lust, and your insight would be really helpful :-)

Original poster
ScaredANDalone123 · 02/06/2022 23:25

It didn’t go well.
In fact it was truly hideous - she said I was not gay, that I must be confused and have always been over emotional ( I don’t think I am but she is massively lacking in her emotional attachment with me so I can see why she may think that )
She said the other woman sounds like a predator ( due to a 4 year age gap ) and that I have wasted 15 years of his life and I don’t deserve to be forgiven for that.
She went onto say that he will probably go for custody if I attempt to move out ( financially I can’t anyway at the minute ) and why shouldn’t he?
I ended up saying that I no longer want to see her and she can see the children without me and then was screamed at for being manipulating and using the children as weapons.
It was hideous, truly hideous.

OP posts:
5zeds · 02/06/2022 23:43

You will be ok. The children will be ok. Your mother is not everyone, she’s one rather limited elderly woman. Live your life unapologetically and enjoy yourself.

Original poster
ScaredANDalone123 · 03/06/2022 00:04

I’m now so worried I’ve done the wrong thing
I do love my husband - I really do.
It just wasn’t in the way it is with her.
The thought that my children’s childhoods are ruined as she said is making me physically vomit

OP posts:
Help19376 · 03/06/2022 00:27

You've done the right thing. You've modelled to your kids that you deserve to live and to love as your authentic self, which is what you would want for them. They will grasp this more and more as they grow. You've also modelled that you take accountability for the pain you cause others, including their dad, and you put them at the centre of all your decision making. You have done amazingly.

This transition period will pass. There's a future where you and your ex are happily with the right people for you, and your children get to see how much better an outcome that is than 2 miserable parents living together, one of them squashing a huge part of herself down 'for them'.

Your mum is being awful. Objectively, completely awful. Let her have her narrative, it's not yours or your family's. And hold your head high.