AIBU to be terrified of telling my mother I’m divorcing and I’m gay?

[ScaredANDalone123]

My mum is very critical and judgmental and we’ve had a strained relationship for as long as I can remember.
Ive been cohabiting for a year now with my soon to be ex husband after coming out as gay.
Its been very stressful and difficult as we have 2 children.
I couldn’t bring myself to tell my mother about any of it.
Im seeing her Saturday after not seeing her for a few months and know I have to tell her - the kids will no doubt mention something soon and Christmas will roll around and she will ask.
I feel sick.

You need to stop giving a shit what your mother thinks. Easier said than done I’m sure. But that’s it in a nutshell. Focus on your children instead. Hope they have been ok about it all, as much as can be hoped.

The worst thing is she will totally say this is too unfair on the children and I hate myself for that already so I guess that’s why I feel so sick about it all

I assume there are reasons you are afraid to tell her, and I'm genuinely sorry that's the case, but you do need to tell her and maybe it won't be as bad as you think.

When you do tell her, be clear about what it means (divorce, you intend to date women, where the children will live).

My ex husband let his brother tell their dad in the end and ex-FIL didn't want to believe it. I ended up in an extremely distressing meeting with ex-FIL, at his house, where I had to tell him that yes, his son was definitely gay and no, there had been no full and frank discussion before we got married (XH had somehow let him think I had willingly and knowingly married a gay man). And yes, we were definitely getting divorced because, no, I wasn't going to wait for him to 'come to his senses'. Made an already traumatic separation and general situation even worse because my ex still didn't have the guts to be honest. We'd been separated six months at this point.

For what it's worth, after a bumpy start, ex-FIL appears to have fully supported my ex, despite XH treating me appalling, and has embraced ex's boyfriend, who now joins them for family occasions. Your mum will probably support you because she's your mum. Don't blame your ex (when telling your mum) for the situation, and don't let your mum blame your ex either.

If your ex needs support, he can contact Straight Partners Anonymous.

I also hope you're being considerate of your ex. Most of the time, the newly out gay person seems to move on at lightening speed, leaving their devastated straight partner to pick up the pieces - and it's shit. Please don't be that person.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm speaking from experience. I'm not on good terms with my XH but that's not because he's gay, it's because of how badly he handled his coming out and leaving me. It is always better for the children if the separating parents can be respectful and considerate of one another.

Good luck. And, if nothing else, remember that if your mum can't be supportive then maybe you're better off without her in your life (much).

Life is too short. Simple. Mum, Im gay and I am not discussing it any further.

Forgotten,
im so sorry but I assure you I have been extremely devastated by this.
I loved and still love my husband so much, but just not in the way I should.
I have had counselling as unable to cope with the upset I’ve caused him and breaking up my children’s home.
it’s not been in any way, shape or form a case of me adapting to this new life well.
My mum will 100% NOT be supportive - my husband or any man could do anything and the fact he comes home of an evening and pays the bills should be enough for me ( or any woman ) so this will be horrendous for her.
Plus she’s very religious so the fact I’m gay will be an added humiliation.

My ex's family is also very religious. That's quite common in these situations. Honestly, in most cases, after the initial shock, it's fine. I know a lot of people (straight partners) who have been through this and we all tend to find that blood is thicker than water and no matter how unlikely it seems at first, the gay person's family will rally round and support them.

I do understand. I understood my ex, too (obviously I knew his family!), until he behaved like an arse and lost all my sympathy.

What's the worst case scenario? Your mum disowns you? That must be a painful prospect, but someone who would do that over your sexuality is not someone you need in your life.

If you can't do it face-to-face, could you write a letter or get another family member to do it or be with you when you tell her? The longer you leave it, the worse it will get.

Does she need to know you are gay at this point?

My DM can be tricky sometimes (not in the same way as yours) and I generally offer news on.a need to know basis. She does need to know you are divorcing and what arrangements you have made and obviously you do need to acknowledge this is a shock and distressing for her.

Might she find it easier to absorb the news via an email or phone conversation soon before you meet her so she has time to absorb some of the shock and can talk more rationally?

However just be clear that despite your DH being a good man you do not make one another happy and after a huge amount of anguish you have made the decision which is final. Arrangements are x, y and z.

If she is hostile I’d suggest you have a few pre prepared phrases and stick to those. Maybe she won’t ever accept or support you in this- that’s beyond your control.

Unless you are planning on instantly remarrying a woman I would leave that conversation for another day. If she wants to know exactly why you aren’t happy it’s fine to say it’s personal.

I would just stick with the divorce news: it wasn't working.
Tell her as little as possible about your personal life.
I do this with my Dad because he worries. I always tell him I am OK.
I tell him family news on a need to know basis.

God don't tell her in person, write her a note. No need to use her to punish yourself.

Yes, I would write to her.

My parents said that getting divorced was unacceptable and would bring shame on my family. Marriage is forever you make it work. I said right, well that's nice, but it's not going to happen. They got over it. Still talk to me. I feel they just try to control me. It's your decision

But If you still love your husband what is making you divorce? That you want to explore a new same sex relationship ? Or have you already met someone, because regardless of what mothers think I do think you should consider your children. Relationships don't stay in the honeymoon period for years. How has it been living together the last year? Have you both adapted ?

Some of that is good advice.

But if the OP doesn't tell her mum that she's gay, what does that mean for her children and their dad?

Do the children know? Honestly, my DC have both had counselling and still have ongoing issues with anxiety because it took their dad two years to come out to them. They handled the news he was gay much better than the news of the separation and couldn't understand why we hadn't told them the gay part in the first place. The separation finally made sense when they knew he was gay but the damage was already done by then. If the children know then do they have to keep it a secret from their grandmother? That's an unfair burden.

If the children know and their dad knows, then not telling the OP's mum shoves them into a closet they didn't choose and puts unfair pressure on them. If the OP's ex needs support and tells someone what's going on, could it potentially get back to the mum? He has a right to be honest with friends and family, too.

For the people most directly affected (DC, XH) honesty is absolutely the best route. Secrecy just causes even more trauma.

I do feel for you OP, but the advice not to tell her everything (yet) is really bad in my opinion.

I’m not sure what is meant by the comments of don’t use her to punish myself?
ive messaged her and she’s already replying with the messages I expected - how could I do this to the children, the children are going to choose to live with him as adults ( they are boys and close to their dad although equally close to me in a different way but this really hit a nerve )
I do love my husband but I found being intimate very difficult near the end and had to drink to be able to be that close.
I love the family unit we have, we’ll have.
I have been in a relationship of sorts for the last few months - it was falling in love with her ( my best friend ) that instigated all of this.
its so hard to explain - I fell completely in love with her but it’s like I didn’t fall completely out of love with him.
hence the near breakdown I had.

YANBU, but OP I think you've got to make a clean breast of it - whether that's in person or by writing her a letter. You are who you are, don't apologise, just be honest and if she chooses to be judgmental and unpleasant, well that's on her. It's a real shame that coming out as gay is still such a big deal in some families, but it sounds like you've lived a lie your whole life (even to yourself), so it's time to be honest. Good luck and don't allow your mother to humiliate or shame you. You have nothing to be humiliated or shamed about. You have to be your authentic self and accept that being that will NOT harm your DC. Living a lie would

That was my comment. I thought you were going to tell her about the divorce and your sexuality in person and wondered why you would put yourself that. I'm glad I misunderstood.

You don't have to read the messages she sends you. You can just delete them. You can't stop her disapproving/worrying but you don't have to give her an audience for her disapproval.

...put yourself through that...

In reply to the last comment - yes the DC know - largely unaffected by that news.
The separation was the biggest problem although as we cohabit ( we both chose to do this until the children are a bit older ) they haven’t had to adjust to 2 households yet.
his family all know - he’s well supported.
they no longer speak to me at all but see the children every month or so.
My mum lives a 4 hour drive from me so it’s less contact anyway; usually would just be me and the kids going up hence why it’s been able to be a secret for this long I guess.
One of the boys did mention something last year when it first happened and he saw 2
women holding hands, he said there’s lesbians like you mum and my mums face dropped and DS said quite matter of factly that it was fine as his dad knows now.
She never mentioned it again.
I can’t describe how unwell the prospect of seeing her is making me.

Good luck, when I came out to my parents I thought they would disown me, as when I had a child in my 20s and ended up as a single parent they did!
I was so anxious I asked another family member to do it for me....in the end I emailed them and they replied straight back and were great about it! I saw then a few weeks later and ai didn't mention it and neither did they, I deliberately did that because I wanted them to see I was the same person and let everything be exactly as normal without having further discussions.
I think my mum does feel a bit awkward though, so I am drip feeding info every few weeks and letting her absorb it at her own pace.

So, your DS already outed you last year and your mum has had a year to wonder. Now you are confirming it.

In all likelihood she will be too embarrassed to ask much about it as it's basically about your romantic life! Maybe just say straight out that there were also other reasons the marriage wasn't working (assuming there were), that the kids are fine and you all have their welfare at heart, and put her on the spot "I assume you want my happiness, mum?". If she says she does then say 'well I am happy and your judgment is the only thing making me unhappy"'.

If she says "yes but not at the expense of your kids/whatever" go back to "yes but the kids are genuinely fine"..

Good luck!

Thank you so much

It’s so passive aggressive
She said she hopes I’ve thought about the children before myself and that when they are men and no longer want to live with me and stay with their dad, to remember I could have avoided it all.

But she has no basis for saying when they are men they won't want to live with you. Has she seen it in her crystal ball? She is saying what knows will make you feel bad.

When they are men they will most likely have their own lives and their own households.

As above, you can honestly answer her with the kids are fine

Congratulations on having taken the step and told her!

Now just do your best to ignore any nonsense she comes out with. Your children will be fine if they see that you and their dad are fine.

I can understand why people would say to soften the blow to your mum with other reasons why your marriage wasn't working. But, having been through this from the other side, the sexuality issue is at the heart of it. I didn't realise until I was in a new relationship with a straight man just how much of a difference it made. I thought maybe it was just the physical side of things that might be different, but it's a very different kind of love in a relationship that isn't mismatched in terms of sexuality. Hard to explain without writing a massive essay but saying there were other reasons does a huge disservice to the straight partner (and the gay partner). Of course there can be communication issues and so on, but a couple can work on those - you can't 'work on' misaligned sexual orientation! It also gives the impression that a relationship with a different man might work out, when that's not the case.

Anyway, it doesn't sound like that's what you're doing and I appreciate that I'm coming at this from the abandoned straight partner's perspective.

Maybe make sure that you can limit your first in-person meeting with her. Stay with a friend, or in a hotel or something so you can just walk away if she's unpleasant.

I honestly think you've got the hardest part over with now. At least, I hope so.

I am really sorry she reacted as you expected - if I was your Mum I would just want you to be happy and I would be pleased you were, but I am not religious in that way (i.e any God who is homophobic/lesbophobic is not one I would want to believe in). She may come round eventually, she may not.
Your boys love you, however, and whether they continue to live with you or their Das as they reach teens, has no bearing on that at all. It seems that you and your ex have behaved as amicably as one can in the circumstances and your sons are well-adjusted. You cannot live for other people and they should not live vicariously - your Mum needs to accept this.

Thank you all for your messages of support
I haven’t mentioned the fact I am gay yet - no doubt she will ask in person what the actual reason for the break up is and that post is spot on by Forgotten - all the other issues we had are irrelevant as all could be worked on aside from the one that I feel completely more suited to being in a female relationship.
It would be really unfair to place any blame on him and I wouldn’t as ultimately this is my doing and I have to accept that by discovering this so late in life and after marriage and children; that I have caused some damage and I am constantly trying to repair that with the children.
They saw the fact that I hurt their dad, their dad who wanted to be with me so it was neither here nor there to them that I am gay ( they are 8 and 12 years old ) - they wanted their dad to be happy.
He still isn’t but we have come some way.

Slightly different from you OP in that I wasn't married or in a relationship when I came out as gay. But I was 37 with 2 kids, and I knew my parents would react badly. They did. They said absolutely awful things, including how damaging it was for my children and how selfish I was being as a result. After a couple of weeks of vileness I stopped responding and then didn't have any contact with them for over 6 months. We had always been very close before that.

After a few months my GF and I were having a party and so I invited my parents. They came. When they actually met my GF and saw how happy I, my kids, and everyone else were, I think all the preconceptions about "gays" started to unravel. Very quickly they absolutely loved my GF.

Two years later we got engaged. Again this prompted some fairly unpleasant comments from my mother (what do you need to do that for? Marriage is for a man and a woman). Once we were married we started planning a baby (IVF). Again my mother couldn't understand this, said it was unnatural, etc. Our child is now 3. My parents adore her. They probably prefer my DW to me.

Not sure what the moral of this story is but I made a choice to live my life the way I needed to to get happy. I knew that might mean my parents were unhappy, and they were. But in the end seeing that I was happy, my kids were thriving, and the world didn't stop turning, overcame that.

Be brave, be unapologetic, and good luck.