To ask for my own room on hen do..

[SuziSecondLaw]

I'm going to a hen do in a month's time, it's for 3 nights but have said I'll just go for 1 (I still paid in full though!).
Nothing has been mentioned about sleeping arrangements, but I know that there are only 3 rooms with a single bed, the rest are double or twin, so most (the other 15) will be sharing.

Bride to be is my oldest friend, but I'm an introvert.. I know most of the rest of the hens and am friendly with a couple. I'm very anxious in general, and I don't cope well in social situations.

Anyway, I'm so scared of having to share a room (I know it's completely ridiculous, but the thought of it makes me incredibly anxious). Regardless of who with really.

We're all meeting up on Friday to discuss final plans etc. Is there any polite way of asking for a single room to myself? I don't want to make a scene or draw attention to myself at all.. But I'm genuinely considering making something up and not going because I'm scared of turning up and being allocated a shared room.. Which would really be a shame, because the rest sounds like great fun!

Any advice? Am I being really pathetic? 🤦🏻‍♀️

But if you only stay one night, that room will be empty the other two nights, presuming people don't want to share bedding. I don't think it's fair to ask others to share for 3 nights so that you can have a room to yourself for one.

I had the same dilemma on a spa weekend but I volunteered to pay more as the single room was more expensive than the double somehow. Worth every penny though.

I think you should pay equal amounts even though you're not staying 3 nights (they still need the bed to accommodate you).

I also think you would be last on my list in the competition for your own room because you're only staying one night.

We've just booked accommodation for a group trip and I made clear in advance that I require an en-suite, but also that I was happy to make my own arrangements.

@TheOccupier I bet any hen do that you are present at is fun as you sound so lovely and easy going

If the bride to be is your ‘oldest friend’ surely you can talk to her alone to discuss your feelings before Fridays meet up. I’m sure she’ll understand, and frankly if you’re paying for 3 nights when you’re only staying for one, you deserve your pick of the rooms anyway.

You haven’t said what help your getting for your anxiety. Assuming due to the severity of it you have a counsellor or therapist, have you talked to them about it and made a plan about how to manage it?

i agree with a lot of what is being said, but I also think this is a prime opportunity to practice anything you’ve learnt/try something new even if it’s just a bit of CBT.

@PinkSyCo Read the thread - the bride doesn’t know about the arrangements, it’s not fair to ask her, she won’t know what OP is on about.

Speak to the ditsy MOH in advance of the meeting, but offer to ring the hotel yourself and sort it.

Having organised hen dos, I would expect to receive a private message from you before the main meeting or weekend asking if there's any chance of you having one of the single rooms and explaining why. I'd then be able to factor that in when doing the room allocations. Usually people are quite happy to share rooms if they're from different groups but I wouldn't expect double bed sharing unless the women are from the same group (ie the uni friends, the home friends, the cousins etc). Just ask the organiser before so you're not creating an uncomfortable situation at the meeting. If anyone else feels strongly they'll do the same, but I can't imagine there's more than 3 single room seekers to be competition.

OP, you say you know most of the people going and are friendly with a couple of them, so it’s likely they won’t be surprised you don’t want to share and will be understanding and accommodating. Don’t worry about asking, as others have said, It’s probably best to message the organiser (or the group) in advance so you shouldn’t have to raise the issue yourself at the get together.

I would message the MoH ahead of time and arrange it with her, and offer to sort the bedding so the room can be used on the other nights.

Tell the truth. Any normal person will understand and be sympathetic. Don’t fall into the trap of hiding your anxiety and being embarrassed - mental health problems are better dealt with out in the open. I’d also be willing to bet half the women there have or have had some kind of anxiety themselves.

Problem is though, if you’ve got 15 people going away together, it’s going to be flipping expensive for a 15-bedroom cottage (if it even exists). Or a hotel with 15 rooms available. It would probably make it too expensive for most people. So it’s not unreasonable for room sharing to be the default assumption.

I've voted unreasonable because you should have raised this earlier with whoever is organising the trip. For all you know, there's another guest who feels similarly who has already bagged the single room by being up front about their needs/wants from the start. It's such a pain when people come out with this stuff late in the day instead of when the venue is being chosen and booked.

Message moh now about your request. It's really stressful. I was going to a hen do and was going to have to share a double bed with someone I actually hate. It made me feel ill. Luckily I managed to get it rearranged.

I think you need to message MOH as a PP said. I just think you'll end up on Friday asking if you can have the room and there will be loads of "well I also need a single room because of xyz" and it's not fair to put people on the spot.

Wouldn't everyone prefer a room to themselves in these circumstances?

I mean, my 10 year old daughter would want to sleep with friends but any adult would feel more comfortable on their own.

Not really sure why the OP didn't have this sorted before committing to the hen do.

The price of the trip is probably based on everyone sharing a room, if everyone had their own room the cost would be a lot more per person. I would be surprised if there is a single room for you. Could you not just book a room for yourself directly with the hotel if this is the case?

I think as others have said you need to be upfront with your request, but try to speak to the organiser privately. It’s not unreasonable, lots of people don’t like sharing rooms. But think about what you’ll do if the answer’s no. Could you bear to share a room with your close friend if it came to it, for example?

Instead of labelling her ‘ditzy’, I think you should message the maid of honour separately and ask her instead of bringing your own agenda on Friday. Im sure if you are honest the answer will be yes (assuming there are single rooms available). But I think you need to be prepared for what you do if it’s a no or if there are only doubles and people need to share to fit everyone.

frankly if you’re paying for 3 nights when you’re only staying for one, you deserve your pick of the rooms anyway.

That’s not really logical. It’s more like if she wants her own room, the least she should expect is to pay for the full length of the trip, since other people are going to have to accommodate it for that length of time - by losing one room from those available on the night OP’s there, and then by reshuffling pairs and moving stuff for the other two nights, or vice versa depending on which night OP’s going for. It would be REALLY unreasonable to only be paying for one night of a three night trip and request her own room.

Personally I think YABU anyway. Everyone would prefer their own room, people share on group trips to holiday cottages etc to economise. If you couldn’t cope with that I think you should have said so when you booked. And I bet if you’re anxious you’ll just be worrying about what they think of your request anyway. For the sake of one night I’d suck it up, blend into the crowd, you might have a bad night’s sleep but that’s not the worst thing. The other option is to take a sleeping bag and ask if you can sleep on the sofa which will be less bothersome to the others, but then you’d have to stay up til the last person and get up with the first person, which might not get you much of a better nights sleep.

I had this issue a few years ago but it was a hotel. I was expected to share a room with 5 women I'd never met before. I'm an introvert and basically don't like people. I sleep terribly anyway, never mind in a strange place with strange people.
The bride to be sorted me a separate room which I paid a lot of money for and there seemed to be no issue. The reality though was that everyone took issue with it - honestly, you'd have thought I'd gone round shitting on all their beds. No one spoke to me, I was excluded from things, people were whispering behind my back like we were at school. It was ridiculous. The worst part was when her mum and another relation came and did a 'tour' of my room and announced how unfair it was that I had that room, it was better than her room which she deserved as mother of the bride etc. She basically said I was taking the piss with my demands and it was unfair I had the room to myself. I reminded her that I'd paid for it myself and she walked out while grumbling about me having a garden (which was a view onto some concrete that I had no access to from the French doors in the room due to metal railings round the door).
I heard nothing from anyone, didn't know where in the hotel they were all staying so just went down for breakfast as normal the next morning. I was glared at and had multiple comments about how lazy I was as they'd all been up from X time doing important stuff blah blah blah.

OP, be aware that you may put peoples backs up with your request. You might be expected to put up and shut up as it's only one night, despite you paying for the whole stay. You'll know whether your friend will have an issue - but others might take personal offence. I didn't know the bride to be particularly well in my case as it was my SIL and she turned into a massive bridezilla. Oh, and the marriage was a complete shambles in the end!

I think it’s fine to ask but you need to ask ASAP before you get there. From experience of the past hen dos I’ve been on and my own the room allocations were already decided prior to arriving.

I don’t think it’s fair to call the MOH ‘ditsy’ and say she wouldn’t understand, I’m sure if she’s planning a whole hen do she can understand your request.

Why wouldn't the maid of honour understand? How hard is it to say: hey moh, if possible I'd like one of the singles as I'm only there for a night and don't know the other girls that well. (The snoring thing is obviously just a fib, you could say you are a poor sleeper or whatever if you don't want to talk about your anxiety).

Don't go then! I doubt anybody would miss you. (It is also my experience that 20% of the guests provide at least 80% of the fun and conversation at things like this.)

@TheOccupier how lovely of you. If this is your attitude towards people, I'm surprised you've been on so many hen dos.

I completely agree. Why do people feel that lying about snoring or whatever else is the solution here? Just be a grown up and tell the truth, offer to pay extra if needed. It isn't that complicated.