Partner has really upset me - is it him or me being sensitive??

[stressedmum22]

I've NC because there's a lot of personal information in this post.

The gist of the problem is I don't feel my DP is massively supportive with helping to maintain a work family balance and sees me as the default childcare, expecting me to fit in with the demands on his job and never have the status quo upset for him with his job.

We have a 1 year old. We both work. My job is a 9-5 with some flexibility around times worked so long as I work my hours. I work 4 days a week. His job is a nightmare - FT, long shifts, unsociable hours inc evenings and nights and weekends. We have lots of arguments about how his job impacts on me and means I end up with the bulk of the childcare around my own job (we have no family support so I'm very much solo when he's not around to help).

Last night we spoke about this yet again, because he has recently finished a week of night shifts and has to do more night shifts in July. Nights impact particularly on me because DD doesn't sleep well and sleep deprivation causes a significant deterioration in my MH (DP copes a million times better than I do so he tends to most of the night wakings when I'm at work). We spoke about it a while ago and he agreed to speak to work and try and swap these shifts with colleagues who don't have children (there are usually people willing to swap as they get a week off after a week of nights). Last night I asked if he had made progress with trying to swap these shifts. He said not yet but he's asked a few colleagues. I said what's the plan if they all say no - he said I don't know. I said could you speak to your manager to see if there's any flexibility given the situation?

He then snapped at me saying "what would you do if you were a single mum? You'd have to just get on with it". I said yes but I'm not. And there's no need to snap, I'm only asking what the plan is if no one can take your night shifts.

This is part of an ongoing problem where DP hates to "rock the boat" at work - he'd rather let me and the family down than ask for support or flexibility with his manager at work. He puts work and their priorities first, all the time. He often isn't even willing to ask at work what can be done to support his family situation.

I said I don't feel that you are supporting me here; you seem annoyed by me raising this. He said yes, he is annoyed, because he doesn't want to sacrifice his week off after his July night shifts, because it precedes 2 weeks of annual leave and it would mean he got 3 consecutive weeks off. Now he will only get 2 weeks off. I said Ok, but we need to work this out as a family and what we all need, not just what you want (ie 3 weeks off). My MH could decline quite significantly with that week of nights on my own, and I might end up off work sick. But as long as you get your 3 weeks off? Seems a bit selfish.

He then said "don't say I don't support you - I took time off work when you got admitted to hospital". Two weeks after giving birth I got admitted to an MBU in an mental health crisis situation. He referenced the fact he came home from work and asked for a few extra days off on top of his paternity leave, as an example of how he supports me. I was a bit stunned tbh. He thinks this is worthy of special mention? Isn't this just what any loving partner would do? I wouldn't hesitate to ask for time off work if he was admitted to a hospital, especially 2 weeks postnatally. Maybe I'm unreasonable there and should feel grateful, who knows ...

Also, by raising the MBU experience he's rehashed a lot of trauma that I have tried to bury. I drove to work this morning with it all whirling round my mind. He knows mentioning this is triggering for me.

Who is unreasonable? Is this my problem?

I'm willing to accept AIBU if that's the majority opinion. Please, please just find a way to say it as nicely as possible. I'm not in a good place. 🙁

Really depends what he does. I worked in A&E and did night shifts, and loooong shifts that went way over shift and sometimes double, and DH was expected to get on with it. He also worked around me (factoring in possibility of shifts going over) so we would generally tag team when I got in the door. If he told me to go up my line to tell them my night shifts had to go due to our family situation I would have assumed it was April 1st.

It appears there is more than one issue.

I would concentrate on the sleep for now. I would consider sleep training and also possibly look at a night nanny to support you for the time being.

Taking holiday whilst your partner works nights is not a sustainable or practical solution.

Sounds like he’s doing as much as he can given the time he has. Not sure what you expect him to do. Unless you want to take a financial hit by either of you reducing your hours you’re both going to have to find a way to make it work. This competitive tiredness/stress etc is not going to resolve it. I would also work on sleep training your baby. I know it’s not a popular thing and not in fashion anymore but it might make a big difference to your stress levels.

YABU in my opinion.

Baby goes to nursery 8:30 - 5:30
You work 9-5 on 4 days
Hubby works 7 pm - ? 4 am
He sleeps 7 am to 3 pm

So you are alone with the baby in the morning to get baby to nursery before you start work.

You are alone on some weeks from 7 pm until baby goes to sleep.

You and your husband have not sleep trained your baby. And you have not told us how many times the baby wakes up, but the main issue is once you are awake your job keeps you awake because you stress about it .

I would be sleep deprived if I worked your husband's shifts. That's hard going.

What time does your hubby get in from the night shift?

Would we though? This is a partnership and needs to work for both parties. Right now, it only seems to be working for him and she's burning out. And considering the information given so far, it sounds like she's supporting him, not the other way around (To support someone means to do more than your fair share, so naturally you can't both be supportive).
If they want to make this work together as a family, they need to re-evaluate the situation. And from a fairness standpoint, is it really ok to spend weekends & nights away from your family, leaving one party with all the work who cannot cope, when there are alternatives out there?

I think you're being unreasonable in expecting his colleagues to take on extra nightshifts. A majority of them probably have families too. I do think you should look for someone who is willing to help out when he's on nights, a friend or relative who could stay over maybe 2 nights in that week maybe. It must be very difficult for you not to get a solid night's sleep while working long days
But bear in mind, your child will eventually settle for longer at night and this won't last forever.
If you need to ask for help , phone your GP or Social Services. They do have resources they can make available to you. Good luck and sending you 🫂

OP, have you tried working while he's done nights or have you always taken the time off? Could you work from home during that week instead?

There is a lot in your posts about you feeling unsupported. Not only by your DH but by the mental health service, lack of family around you and by his employer - and all that frustration seemed to be channeled at your DH and his job.
I don't think that's fair or even the answer, as I doubt him changing his job or working hours would be the solution that you're hoping for unfortunately.

If he can't swap shifts then he'll have to do them - I think it was unfair to push him on that point because the answer was obvious. Circling round the same issue time and time again when already you know the answer isn't a good one for you is pointless, don't set up an instant fail which makes you feel bad!

Children eventually grow out of waking at night, so bear in mind that it's not a long-term problem. Your DH does the night wakings except the times he is working nights - so for one week every couple of months you need a different solution. Do you have anyone who could stay with you during that week?
Can you buy in help instead? Work from home?

if you were a single mum you'd do 50/50 and get a break every other week

tbh your mental health issues with the night waking is the issue for you and you are defaulting your dp to do the night waking to make sure you're ok - which is fine. Then he is letting you pick up the childcare at other time to compensate

Imo you are both chipping in

solution would be to work on not having night waking? how do you work to that goal for when he is not around?

Unless I’ve misread, the baby can be settled relatively quickly when they wake in the night. The trouble is that OP can’t get back to sleep afterwards but lies awake afterwards stressing about things whereas her DH can settle baby and go straight back to sleep.
I don’t think the situation is totally straightforward, but I’ve just worked out why the “If you were a single mum” comment jars so much. It’s the implication that the default is a mother taking responsibility for all childcare. And that a male partner ‘helping’ is a luxury for which we should be grateful, as it’s not really their job.

Is the baby still in the same room as you?

moving ours out at just shy of six months was a game changer. I used to wake up at every snuffle, moan and then would immediately check he didn’t need milk/nappy change/comfort and i’d lay there and struggle to sleep again. He’s still young enough to wake up wanting milk a few nights a week but settled quickly and mostly sleeps 7-6am.

if the baby is in the same room I’d very much recommend getting this sorted.

He said yes, he is annoyed, because he doesn't want to sacrifice his week off after his July night shifts, because it precedes 2 weeks of annual leave and it would mean he got 3 consecutive weeks off. Now he will only get 2 weeks off. I said Ok, but we need to work this out as a family and what we all need, not just what you want (ie 3 weeks off). My MH could decline quite significantly with that week of nights on my own, and I might end up off work sick.

But you can see his point of view. He has what appears to be a really stressful job, he is dealing with night wakings at home, he has been supporting you in terms of his mental health. He needs a break sometimes as well, and putting that extra week with his planned break must have seemed like an absolute godsend to him. Does it occur to you that he has MH needs of his own?

Why would his manager care or prioritize an employee's wife mh over his actual employees?

I think a lot of these responses don't know a lot of understanding or empathy towards how difficult it is to manage mental health problems.

Books are great but they don't work for everyone or every child. I am very regimented, and I did precisely what you did for my first son. He slept 7 hours a night from 6 weeks and that kept on improving as he got older. Never had sleep problems with him after the routine was established. I then had a son with colics and he..would..not sleep. Not night, not day. Go for a walk with the pram, have him fall asleep then walk home to park him on the patio for some extra zzz? No. Within 5 minutes he'd be awake again. Every. Single. Time. Nobody could get him to settle. Not even my mother in law as a trained midwife. And I tried everything, the book and structure that worked with my first son, then other books. Other methods. Nothing worked. He would wake 5 times a night which reduced down to 1-3 times by the time he turned 1 and then finally settled to sleep through the night at the age of 2. Now he's 7 and luckily there are no developmental issues. School thinks he may be gifted, though I doubt that's what kept him up at night.

Let's not forget. There are sleep demons out there. And when you've tried everything and even professionals fail... it doesn't help to see people suggest to just pick up a book and establish some routine.

Yes it works for many babies, but not for all. And we don't know why this baby doesn't sleep. It might just be one of those odd cases.

So in my opinion he should not have brought up your mental heath episode to score points. That's really low!

But you have said in a comment he sleeps 7-3 on days he's working nights and is available for childcare for 4 hours until he leaves at 7pm. That's actually seems like quite a lot of time to me. My partner works full time and he barely gets an hour in the evening with them.

I also wouldn't begrudge him the extra week off.

I think you’re both being unreasonable.
you for expecting him not to ever do a night shift when it’s part of his job and him for snapping and making the single parent comparison.
But if you look at it this way, the night shift does not seem like a regular thing If the next one is in July, so I’ll say maybe you plan ahead for it.
I know it’s not ideal but when you think about it this way, you only have a week of broken sleep but then for the next however months, he does the night waking.
Obviously you need to deal with the other issues you say you have but you need to work as a team really

I’ve just worked out why the “If you were a single mum” comment jars so much. It’s the implication that the default is a mother taking responsibility for all childcare. And that a male partner ‘helping’ is a luxury for which we should be grateful, as it’s not really their job.

Spot on

@Skinnermarink

No she's been in her own room since Christmas

His argument should be (if he indeed has one) that whilst that week of nights will be challenging for you. That his three consecutive weeks off will be of real value to the family and how he will use that to support you and help you recover.

So for example really tough week but then three weeks of no nursery run or pick up as he can cover it. The week off he has after nights he can cook every evening to give you a break. And tackle one mental load task per day to help clear the list down. He still has the times when DC are at nursery to himself.

Save Our Sleep by Tizzie Hall was a life saver for me in getting DC to sleep through the night.

Unless I’ve misread, the baby can be settled relatively quickly when they wake in the night.

You have misread - I haven't said this anywhere. She can be awake from anywhere between 10 minutes to 2 hours.

I don’t understand why you would say something like that to someone who is really struggling. OP has been very unwell and should be commended for her continued efforts to improve her mental health. She’s not something to be “tolerated”.

YANBU about the lack of support. But that being the case, it's time to look at what you can do around all of this instead. Your DD won't be 1 forever, she will eventually sleep I hope, so you just need to get through a year or 2 however you can.

As an example, I start work (from home) at 5am, and go to bed just after 9pm. I often squeeze in a sort of quiettime with almost a nap between dinner and bed for the kids (I know some people wouldn't be able to sleep after a short nap, but it works OK for me). I only do washing at the weekends, I only do the dishwasher every other day, and generally just take the easy route where I can (meal plans, ready meals fairly often etc), to give me that time to catch up on sleep.

What can you do to carve out that little bit of space for you - can you put the little one in a baby cage, stick on CBeebies and zone out for 45 mins at some point? Can you go to bed earlier? Just get up if you can't get back to sleep, have a glass of water, and sit downstairs - maybe fall asleep watching TV if you can't get back to sleep up in bed?

Also to add - the week he has "off" after nights is rarely truly a week off. He crams a lot do overtime into it. This set of nights just gone in May he was home 3 of the 7 days of his week "off". He said he intends not to do that in July so he's around more for childcare, but he's never once not worked overtime on his week "off". So I don't believe him.

His argument should be (if he indeed has one) that whilst that week of nights will be challenging for you. That his three consecutive weeks off will be of real value to the family and how he will use that to support you and help you recover.

So for example really tough week but then three weeks of no nursery run or pick up as he can cover it. The week off he has after nights he can cook every evening to give you a break. And tackle one mental load task per day to help clear the list down. He still has the times when DC are at nursery to himself.