Partner has really upset me - is it him or me being sensitive??

[stressedmum22]

I've NC because there's a lot of personal information in this post.

The gist of the problem is I don't feel my DP is massively supportive with helping to maintain a work family balance and sees me as the default childcare, expecting me to fit in with the demands on his job and never have the status quo upset for him with his job.

We have a 1 year old. We both work. My job is a 9-5 with some flexibility around times worked so long as I work my hours. I work 4 days a week. His job is a nightmare - FT, long shifts, unsociable hours inc evenings and nights and weekends. We have lots of arguments about how his job impacts on me and means I end up with the bulk of the childcare around my own job (we have no family support so I'm very much solo when he's not around to help).

Last night we spoke about this yet again, because he has recently finished a week of night shifts and has to do more night shifts in July. Nights impact particularly on me because DD doesn't sleep well and sleep deprivation causes a significant deterioration in my MH (DP copes a million times better than I do so he tends to most of the night wakings when I'm at work). We spoke about it a while ago and he agreed to speak to work and try and swap these shifts with colleagues who don't have children (there are usually people willing to swap as they get a week off after a week of nights). Last night I asked if he had made progress with trying to swap these shifts. He said not yet but he's asked a few colleagues. I said what's the plan if they all say no - he said I don't know. I said could you speak to your manager to see if there's any flexibility given the situation?

He then snapped at me saying "what would you do if you were a single mum? You'd have to just get on with it". I said yes but I'm not. And there's no need to snap, I'm only asking what the plan is if no one can take your night shifts.

This is part of an ongoing problem where DP hates to "rock the boat" at work - he'd rather let me and the family down than ask for support or flexibility with his manager at work. He puts work and their priorities first, all the time. He often isn't even willing to ask at work what can be done to support his family situation.

I said I don't feel that you are supporting me here; you seem annoyed by me raising this. He said yes, he is annoyed, because he doesn't want to sacrifice his week off after his July night shifts, because it precedes 2 weeks of annual leave and it would mean he got 3 consecutive weeks off. Now he will only get 2 weeks off. I said Ok, but we need to work this out as a family and what we all need, not just what you want (ie 3 weeks off). My MH could decline quite significantly with that week of nights on my own, and I might end up off work sick. But as long as you get your 3 weeks off? Seems a bit selfish.

He then said "don't say I don't support you - I took time off work when you got admitted to hospital". Two weeks after giving birth I got admitted to an MBU in an mental health crisis situation. He referenced the fact he came home from work and asked for a few extra days off on top of his paternity leave, as an example of how he supports me. I was a bit stunned tbh. He thinks this is worthy of special mention? Isn't this just what any loving partner would do? I wouldn't hesitate to ask for time off work if he was admitted to a hospital, especially 2 weeks postnatally. Maybe I'm unreasonable there and should feel grateful, who knows ...

Also, by raising the MBU experience he's rehashed a lot of trauma that I have tried to bury. I drove to work this morning with it all whirling round my mind. He knows mentioning this is triggering for me.

Who is unreasonable? Is this my problem?

I'm willing to accept AIBU if that's the majority opinion. Please, please just find a way to say it as nicely as possible. I'm not in a good place. 🙁

Op I have honestly been there before. After my ds I had pnd and then severe insomnia. I was so sleep deprived that it triggered mh issues. I was in a bad state. My dh was so supportive. I didn't work after my ds because of my issues so dh was the only one working in a very stressful, senior management role. And we had zero support. The solution was not for dh to change his job, but to look at what else we could change to help me get better again. Can you not employ a night nanny for 2 nights a week and then you and dh split the rest. Same with childcare. We reworked the budget to include that as part of our solution. Sleep training when you both have the 2/3 weeks coming up?

Am I right in its only one week in July then he gets 3 weeks off ?
Also you don't sleep as a combination of your job and baby waking?
If so surely one week is a good trade off for three weeks.
If your work is keeping you awake maybe re evaluate your job .
Would you have the finances to hire a night nanny , look on childcare sights .
This problem will be short lived until you get a good sleep pattern with your Baby .
Maybe your DH mental health is also suffering and he's running out of people who will swop his night shift and he's worried he might lose his job .

Also is you taking unpaid parental leave an option?

There is short term - getting baby to sleep better and protecting your well-being.

Long term your DH needs to shape up and make compromises to do his share. Also he needs to drop his awful attitude towards you being unwell and assuming being a parent is all your job

I think you need to sort out the night waking.

It seems to be very common on MN that children wake up in the night or very early up until the are 3 or 4. When I have my DD 12 years ago I ordered some "how to" books from Amazon, I just picked a couple of best sellers, they happened to be the the fit your baby in a schedule paradigm, rather than the attached parenting, follow their lead style. I also met a GP who was reading Gina Ford and I just thought that's how it's done. I'm incredibly grateful as it meant I got both of mine sleeping through the night at 6 and 7 months and was very strict about routine and naps etc. It was restrictive but I could never have coped without a full night's sleep.

If your baby is asleep at night from 7:30 to 730 would this all be sorted?

It sounds like your job is the main issue here. Work shouldn't cause you this much anxiety and this many sleepless nights.

I've been there in a career that I found very stressful and that gave me huge amounts of anxiety. It's unpleasant but it's not DH's fault and I don't think he should be expected to compromise his own work because you're struggling with yours.

If you can't cope on four days, can you cut your hours down? Go (even more) part time or look for another job that won't cause you as much stress and anxiety?

I am hugely sympathetic to MH issues as I've suffered from them myself, but if you keep asking your partner to mess his work around and change his shifts about to accommodate, they will (understandably) get a bit sick of him messing them about.

It's also not feasible for you to take annual leave every time he has to work nights, surely? It puts huge amounts of pressure on him to change his shifts about.

OPs DH literally does most of the night shifts with the baby whilst working full-time. OP has said that. Every few months he does a week of night shifts and OP wants him to stop so he can continue to do the bulk of the night shifts and work full-time so OP is well rested for her part-time job

So you want him to do day shifts instead and then be up with the baby all night, I don’t think that’s very fair. It seems like it all about you and your needs to me. He’s only going to work ffs!!!! You will drive him away.

I realise that read terribly

OPs DH literally does most of the night shifts with the baby whilst working full-time. OP has said that. Every few months he does a week of night shifts with work and OP wants him to stop so he can continue to do the bulk of the night shifts with the baby and work full-time so OP is well rested for her part-time job

@stressedmum22 I think if people haven't had a mental health hospitalisation, with a risk of relapse that is highly exacerbated by sleep deprivation, they don't understand that risk/scenario. That's why some people here are saying you're being unreasonable, when you're not.

I have bipolar so I completely get it. x

Your DP needs to change jobs really, this isn't a good one for you (and hence for your family.) I knw you've said you've tried to get him to do that, though. 😫

Also, he agreed to help you in a certain way, to help keep you well. Now he's not doing what he agreed to do. 😩

I would ignore anyone telling you you're being unreasonable, because they don't get it. They might think they do from their own experience, but no one's walked in your shoes so we can't know what it's like. I can only say from my own experience what it's like if I don't get enough sleep, as someone with a severe mental health disability that is exacerbated by it. He's not considering your health enough.

How is your relationship in general?

I think you just want to feel like he cares. That your mental health is important to both of you. That you’re not on your own with it. I understand the sleep deprivation problem, my MH is affected by this, which is why I’d never have another child.

Have you thought about sleep training to get your child to sleep through? We did the Ferber method at 7 months and he’s slept through every since.

Can you take some parental leave?

Why can't OP change jobs? Why does it have to fall all on her DH? You think OPs husband should change jobs so he works full-time in the days and then in the evenings and over night he looks after the baby to make sure OP is never sleep deprived? In return OP works part-time. Yep, I would be heading for the door if my partner suggested that.

If work isn't a source of your anxiety then the solution is simple. You go full time and he goes part time. That's what normally happens when the man is the bigger earner. If you were a single parent then you'd be doing 50/50, so would get more time for recovery. As said, he'd have to cut down his working hours to see his children.

It also works the other way as lots of people with physical or mental health issues don't realise how hard that is on the partner doing the supporting.

Actually other people don't realise either, it is much rarer in my experience for the carer to be asked how they are, people ask the carer how the unwell person is but the physical and mental load on the carer isn't recognised.

Firstly 💐OP, I hope you're ok as reading some of these replies cannot have been easy. I also live with a serious Mental Health condition so I understand that trying to keep yourself well, whilst balancing the demands of work and family life is something you have to manage and think about constantly. It is so hard and I don't think people can ever really understand unless they've lived through it that once you've been through a serious MH crisis you live in fear of it happening again. That said, I am a few years down the road from where you are (my youngest is nearly 4) and I now recognise there were times when I didn't fully appreciate the impact my illness had on my DH. Trying to get better was so difficult and all consuming I didn't have the headapace to be honest. Your DH was wrong to bring up the MBU thing when you've explicitly asked him not to, but people say things they don't mean when they're stressed and feeling defensive. I know I have. I'm sure he didn't do it deliberately to hurt you but YANBU to be upset.

I mean this kindly, I really do, but have you considered that your DH may be right not to wanting to rock the boat at work given your situation? You've said your job is stressful and you're not sure how much longer you can continue. He may feel pressure to keep in his bosses good books and not rock the boat because if you were to become unwell again and unable to work he would be the only earner. I have worked shifts in the past (I suspect in a similar role to your DH from what you've said) and honestly management would have really frowned upon someone trying to get out of doing nights all the time, even if colleagues were willing to swap occasionally, it just doesn't look good.

I also think that you will regret it down the line if you pressure your DH to leave his job. Although I know having a partner who works shifts can be really difficult, he's not unreasonable to want to keep doing a job he enjoys. Your own job sounds incredibly demanding and is clearly having an impact on your MH. Could you look at further reducing your hours or moving into a less emotionally challenging role in the same field?

I guess what I'm tying to say is that I can see where you're coming from but it sounds like you're both under pressure and struggling with work/life balance at the moment. His job is difficult in terms of the long hours and lack of flexibility, your job is difficult in terms of the level of stress and responsibility. It will get easier as your baby gets older but there will always be times when it feels overwhelming and it's tempting to take it out on each other. When you're juggling work and small DC it's so easy to fall into the trap of turning your stress/tiredness into a competition, or blaming the other one for how hard it is and I know I've definitely been guilty of this in the past! It doesn't get you anywhere.

Your DP needs to change jobs really, this isn't a good one for you (and hence for your family.) I knw you've said you've tried to get him to do that, though

Then OP should change her job too. She admits it takes a toll on her MH. Prehaps that isn't good for him (and hence the family)

So when the man is a higher earner, the woman takes on the bulk of the household responsibilities for the good of the family. As in lower paid, more flexible job for example.

When the woman is the higher earner, heaven forbid the man has to look at a more flexible job for the good of the family 😡.

Can you pay a local teenager to do the night shift with the little one while you're in the home getting a good night's sleep on the week your partner has a night shift? 17/18 year olds won't struggle staying up in the night like we do, and they'll likely be off school in July. Ask at the local Sixth Form where childcare is one of the BTECs. One week of overnight where they can snooze/play on their phone/watch movies quietly as long as they sort the baby if baby wakes up might work for a teen who wants to earn a little money for hours they can be up/cope with anyway.

I wonder if he feels cherished, loved and respected by the OP? I wonder if she appreciates him doing most of the night waking with the baby.

Carers get taken for granted.

If the job is contributing to her MH issues then changing jobs, taking one with less responsibility might be good for her.

Unfortunately as you've seen by the responses OP many on here will always see the man's big important job as more important than yours and the family. His attitude oh you'd have to do it if you were a single mum and about taking time off when you were in hospital stinks and highlights how he feels about it all. If his job entails nights that's unfortunate and I do think it's something you'll need to figure out how to better manage; but it does sound like he wants to carry on as is in his job whilst you're bending and breaking around childcare. If he gets a week off after nights makes sense he does night wakings if he's not working.

OPs DH literally does most of the night shifts with the baby whilst working full-time. OP has said that. Every few months he does a week of night shifts with work and OP wants him to stop so he can continue to do the bulk of the night shifts with the baby and work full-time so OP is well rested for her part-time job

No, it's not 'so she's well rested for her part-time job.' It's 'so she doesn't end up in hospital again.'

If someone has mental health problems that are exacerbated by sleep deprivation, one night might not make a difference but seven nights in a row can make a big difference.

If one partner has a severe mental health issue then relationships/families can't always be run in quite the same way as the average couple. There has to be a plan set in place so the person with the health condition can best stay well and out of hospital.

This job is about the worst for someone with OP's risk factors.

@stressedmum22 After the night shifts (assuming he doesn't get out of them) I'd suggest prioritizing sleep training, and weaning the baby off milk if they're still on it. Then the risks to your health from this particular issue are reduced. You can justify it on health grounds. x

If this was the other way round and the woman was doing all the night wakings while working full time and juggling shift work, being asked to consider a different role, then I’m sure we would be equally outraged.

In terms of who spoke out of order, it probably sounds like you both did a bit, as is the way with couples when they are both sleep deprived.

I honestly think that if it is the sleeping that’s the issue then you need to look at fixing that. So far you seem to have not acknowledged anyone’s questions / offers of advice around this.

Definitely agree with posters who say that this needs to be something you fix together, it’s a joint responsibility and his three weeks off sounds like an ideal time to try to sort it.

There is no point either of you changing roles that you’ve worked hard to get (providing you don’t want to change roles) for something that is a short term problem and for which there are solutions to.

First of all, let me give you a virtual hug. I’ve been through the same situation for years before I gave my husband the boot (and good riddance! I now have the most loving, supportive partner, who has seen me through my own depression and insomnia). We went into having children with the understanding that responsibilities would be shared 50% 50% and that I did not want a come home late from work father. Despite us both having full time jobs in demanding work places, I ended up with 95% of the childcare – his sister used to joke that I am a single mum during the week – and I was. I did everything. He would get up early and come home late due to a 3 hour daily commute. He kept promising to find another job closer to where we lived (Reading, so lots of tech employers and I myself worked for Microsoft at the time who were local). He promised for years. He wanted a second child, I said I can’t keep up juggling both work & childcare with two children if he’s never home for anything during the week. He promised he’d find a new job by the time my second son was born. And this son wouldn’t sleep for 2 years... I learned my first baby was easy, and my second son would wake up 1-3 times a night by the time he hit 1 year. Meanwhile, the new job was never found and he would continue to leave the house at 5-6 AM and come back for 7-8PM. He’d get defensive (just like your husband) when I asked about it. He was happy where he was. He loved his job, colleagues, the commute (he’d watch films on his phone or read a book, whilst I dressed the kids to go to nursery and school and had a mad run around as I was on duty from 9-6pm, then the same run around + dinner –so much more relaxing for him). As my job got more demanding, I hired an au pair to cope with childcare. Our marriage broke down for a lot of reasons, but the biggest one was that he’d put his job first and never lived up to his promises, leaving me alone with all the stress. We weren’t partners anymore and I felt taken advantage of. And I felt left alone bringing up our children, in a foreign country without my family and friends.
Some people wrote that their mums did multiple kids on their own with a part time job. Not all jobs are created equal. Working part-time as a lunch lady in a school is very different to working full time in a demanding job (which yours is). You can’t compare this at all.
I’m assuming your pay is relatively equal (which is only partially relevant by the way). In my case, I was the much bigger breadwinner and still lumped with the vast majority of childcare – especially after I relocated from abroad to his home country England for his career, leaving my family and support network behind. His family was too far away (2-3 hour drives) to do any significant support.
Let’s look at the facts first: children have two parents. Being supportive means doing more than 50% of the childcare related work. From what you say you are supportive of his career, not the other way around as you do much more than 50%. Especially since he’s missing on some weekends and nights. On those occasions, you’re making up his share of the work. You probably agreed to this at some point, but you couldn’t have known what this would mean for you once a child is born. And it’s not working for you. The unfair care balance on two full time jobs is skewed too much in his favour and is burning you out. A change needs to happen, you’re not his slave and the responsibility of care doesn’t automatically fall on you. Your happiness and health matters, as does his.

From what you write, I get that he’s very happy with the current situation and I am not even sure he’s asked anyone to trade shifts. It’s much easier to be at work than it is to be at home looking after an infant doing all the grunt work. It’s called grunt work for a reason. He’s probably protective of his sleep during weeks of nightshifts, even though you don’t get any sleep either. Why is his sleep more important than yours? I don’t see how it is relevant that it’s a nightshift. Sleep is sleep, we all need it, irrespective of when it is during the day. If he doesn’t like nightshifts and how they affect him, get a different job. There are different jobs and you can get them. There is a skills shortage. It’s not an excuse to stay in the same job if it's not working for your family. And let’s remember – you changing your job is not a fair ask. It is HIM who is creating an UNFAIR balance of care responsibilities. If he can’t do his 50%, or earn so much to PAY someone to do his share, he needs to look at what HE can do to share. It is not your responsibility.

Also, his comment about the hospital: That’s a one off. Support is ongoing. And let’s remember: ITS NOT SUPPORT IF YOU’RE NOT DOING MORE THAN YOUR FAIR SHARE! Then it’s just called YOUR FAIR SHARE. Sorry. This is hitting a nerve.

. I am not saying you’re headed for a divorce. But I do think you need to have a very, very serious conversation in a stress free environment, fully rested. Probably multiple of those. This needs to work for both of you. I’ve been there, I’ve been taken advantage of for many, many years and then ended up paying him out a lot of money after the divorce because I was also the big earner… You are still early days. He may just need some misconceptions setting straight. You are equals. You deserve time off. He needs to do his fair share. If the current situation is burning you out and not letting you recover, then he needs to change something so he can at least do his fair share. No less. Ideally more to make up for all this time where you supported him.

I think given your mental health struggles, your DP should be more mindful of not putting you in situations where you could become vulnerable.

My friend has similar struggles and was also in an MBU (for several months), and so her partner cannot act as if this just isn't the case and she 'needs to cope'...because she won't.

I do appreciate that night shifts likely come as part of his package and so he feels awkward to always try and get out of them, but I'd definitely expect him to at least explain the situation to his manager and see if there could be a solution.