Partner has really upset me - is it him or me being sensitive??

[stressedmum22]

I've NC because there's a lot of personal information in this post.

The gist of the problem is I don't feel my DP is massively supportive with helping to maintain a work family balance and sees me as the default childcare, expecting me to fit in with the demands on his job and never have the status quo upset for him with his job.

We have a 1 year old. We both work. My job is a 9-5 with some flexibility around times worked so long as I work my hours. I work 4 days a week. His job is a nightmare - FT, long shifts, unsociable hours inc evenings and nights and weekends. We have lots of arguments about how his job impacts on me and means I end up with the bulk of the childcare around my own job (we have no family support so I'm very much solo when he's not around to help).

Last night we spoke about this yet again, because he has recently finished a week of night shifts and has to do more night shifts in July. Nights impact particularly on me because DD doesn't sleep well and sleep deprivation causes a significant deterioration in my MH (DP copes a million times better than I do so he tends to most of the night wakings when I'm at work). We spoke about it a while ago and he agreed to speak to work and try and swap these shifts with colleagues who don't have children (there are usually people willing to swap as they get a week off after a week of nights). Last night I asked if he had made progress with trying to swap these shifts. He said not yet but he's asked a few colleagues. I said what's the plan if they all say no - he said I don't know. I said could you speak to your manager to see if there's any flexibility given the situation?

He then snapped at me saying "what would you do if you were a single mum? You'd have to just get on with it". I said yes but I'm not. And there's no need to snap, I'm only asking what the plan is if no one can take your night shifts.

This is part of an ongoing problem where DP hates to "rock the boat" at work - he'd rather let me and the family down than ask for support or flexibility with his manager at work. He puts work and their priorities first, all the time. He often isn't even willing to ask at work what can be done to support his family situation.

I said I don't feel that you are supporting me here; you seem annoyed by me raising this. He said yes, he is annoyed, because he doesn't want to sacrifice his week off after his July night shifts, because it precedes 2 weeks of annual leave and it would mean he got 3 consecutive weeks off. Now he will only get 2 weeks off. I said Ok, but we need to work this out as a family and what we all need, not just what you want (ie 3 weeks off). My MH could decline quite significantly with that week of nights on my own, and I might end up off work sick. But as long as you get your 3 weeks off? Seems a bit selfish.

He then said "don't say I don't support you - I took time off work when you got admitted to hospital". Two weeks after giving birth I got admitted to an MBU in an mental health crisis situation. He referenced the fact he came home from work and asked for a few extra days off on top of his paternity leave, as an example of how he supports me. I was a bit stunned tbh. He thinks this is worthy of special mention? Isn't this just what any loving partner would do? I wouldn't hesitate to ask for time off work if he was admitted to a hospital, especially 2 weeks postnatally. Maybe I'm unreasonable there and should feel grateful, who knows ...

Also, by raising the MBU experience he's rehashed a lot of trauma that I have tried to bury. I drove to work this morning with it all whirling round my mind. He knows mentioning this is triggering for me.

Who is unreasonable? Is this my problem?

I'm willing to accept AIBU if that's the majority opinion. Please, please just find a way to say it as nicely as possible. I'm not in a good place. 🙁

Great, let's all put up with shit because you don't have a partner!

Or we could take into account that OP's partner is living with her and their child, and should bloody well step up. He wants 3 bloody weeks off? Tough shit! We'd all like 3 weeks off, but not at the expense of dumping all responsibility for childcare onto our OHs as if he/she was the default parent.

When he works days he gets very little sleep. Ignore the genders.
If he cracks, before leaving, the family is destroyed.

Both parents are prioritising money and careers. So surely there must be some £ left for a night nanny?

I do understand op i have mh issues but i dont work-cant realy

i just think its sustainable going forward for him to have to do night wakings all the time like this he will crack eventually then you0'll both have problems

I am not underestimating (well maybe i am but i am certainly not either disregarding them or discounting them completely) the OPs MH problems, it is a serious issue that is having a massive impact on her life.
My suggestion is that she is looking, in her OP, purely at the night waking and insomnia from the POV that her DH must take over most of the nights (he does) and not do any more night shifts (not possible, either because he wants to do them - valid viewpoint - or that he can't always change them). But what she isn't apparently prepared to address is just how much her job affects her insomnia. (I sympathise, i lie awake at night for hours and hours worrying about my work and thinking about it)

I also don't think anyone should underestimate the pressure the DH may be under (has anyone asked him) of a) having a wakey-baby b) having a wife he presumably loves suffering under her MH and c) the pressure of working and keeping it together so he can support her. Although there is a lot of talk about how much more he can do (IDK - maybe he can, maybe he can't) without any (or much) talk about how he could be supported too (presumably from third parties since OP is unable due to her own MH issues). Maybe he really worries that if his wife is hospitalised again he will have to take care of the baby and worry about her and keep things going? Who knows?

So in OPs shoes, knowing how reluctant (or unable) he is to swap his nights, and how reluctant he is to change jobs (IDK - is it easy? does he want to? is he doing his dream job ?) i would be looking at what I could do to ease my load.

That may involve looking into a Nanny (nanny shares are a thing, occasional night nurses are a thing, au pairs still exist, would OP have recourse to respite care due to her MH issues?). I would definitely be looking into 2 things that OP hasn't mentioned: maybe some time off work, or reducing my hours and/or responsibilities (notwithstanding a probable drop in income) or even rearranging my work hours to better fit in with the baby. And the other thing I'd be looking into is sleep training. IIRC DC is one so maybe teething? That doesn't go on forever. So in OPs shoes I'd be wondering if our family could push on through for the next 6 to 9 months and then review the situation.

It is very stressful, but you really do have to think of the mad alternatives sometimes (jacking in both jobs and moving closer to family - but the family option needs to offer a sustainable long-term solution/help, not a bit of baby sitting now and then)

Not sustainable sorry

Is this not in fact an argument for the opposite position? The op has the higher paying job so he should be able to manage everything else (as you were able to) to enable her to work full time and bring in the money? As the op does childcare in the mornings/evenings (+ all of the mental load) he would in fact be in a much better place than you were to do this, as you managed with zero support.

I don't think it's your husband working nights (occasionally) that's the main problem here.

First of all, it sounds like you don't like him very much. Maybe you would both be more content if you were to split up. Assuming that that's not in the cards and you do actually want this relationship to work, the biggest source of stress seems to be your big important job. Do you absolutely need to continue in your current position? Could you stop working for a while, or look for a lower paid but less stressful job?

And what is with the whole night waking thing? Your child is over a year old, not an infant. This is something you can and should address, and then your husband working nights wouldn't be such an issue.

I'm sorry if I don't sound particularly sympathetic, but your attitude towards anyone who doesn't completely agree with you isn't very sympathy inducing. My mental health was in a bad place when my youngest was a baby. I was widowed with two young children at the time, so I do have some understanding of how difficult it is to have to carry on despite poor mental health.

Tbh I think OP that your comments about lives being at risk if you are not on form at work are telling.
You care but maybe have no control of decisions or natural outcomes.
Get a back up and learn to trust yourself, however sleep deprived, with your baby?

The op is literally the breadwinner but she is being expected to deprioritise her work, reduce her hours, change to a lower paid job in order to facilitate her dhs lower paid job

Meanwhile he seems to expect her to do all of the thinking around their child, risk her job and prospects by taking all the sick leave

If the man was the breadwinner literally no one would be suggesting his wife 'make her job the priority as its the main income....'

The op is literally the breadwinner but she is being expected to deprioritise her work, reduce her hours, change to a lower paid job in order to facilitate her dhs lower paid job

No she literally states her job is affecting her MH.

OP you have my sympathy. I haven't been diagnosed with mental health issues but I do have bouts of insomnia, and dealing with babies/toddlers who wake up multiple times overnight is the toughest thing I've ever had to do. It means I can no longer have a lie in to catch up on sleep because I need to be up to look after the children. If I didn't have a supportive partner, who is willing to do all of the night wakes/early mornings when i get really sleep deprived, there is no way I would cope.

Having children does require sacrifice in the early years and he should be willing to do his bit. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I'm also a bit aghast at all of the posters recommending you change jobs (to a less well paid one with less responsibility), when you have clearly put a lot of time and energy into your career. Why should you have to sacrifice what you've been working for all these years because he doesn't want to ask some awkward questions at work? At some point your little one will sleep through and at that point things will get a lot easier for you again.

Meanwhile he seems to expect her to do all of the thinking around their child,

Heis doing all the night waking apart from the odd week every few months he has a week of nights.

So not exactly that clear cut.

Yup. Mental illness is incredibly self absorbed. It's the nature of it and can't be helped. Thought is rarely given to the one who's stuck supporting someone who relies on another person's actions to stay sane.

I go to the gym to stay sane. I wouldn't rely on someone else for my own mental well being. You just can't. If it's suddenly taken away it can be catastrophic.

He wants 3 weeks off. Nothing is said in this thread to what kind of downtime either of them get from the shitstorm that is life. It's not sustainable.

Why should you have to sacrifice what you've been working for all these years because he doesn't want to ask some awkward questions at work?

It's affecting her MH. Maybe he likes doing his job just as OP doesn't want to give up hers.

Night wakings are hard, but sorry op in this case I feel it's a week. You know it's ending. I would hope your DH is going to use some of his leave to spend time with DC rather than them going to childcare ( if they go?)

Not the case.

People have suggested she deprioritise her work, reduce her hours and change to a less stressful, lower paid job to help with her MH.

Her partner has a job where he is still able to muck in and do most of the night wakings, which just wouldn’t be possible if he started at 6/7am every single day. OP would be left doing them all as she has flexible hours in this case.

The situation is clearly getting well out of hand and there needs to be an immediate change of circumstances. In my opinion, this is the OP either requesting for P/T work (perhaps something like a Monday, Wednesday, Friday shift pattern which would give her a day of recovery after each day of work), or leaving for a role which uses much less mental capacity and requires less time. Yes, it’ll be a cut in pay but clearly working F/T isn’t working at all and sometimes you have to cut your losses.

Take a step back from work, get better, get through the sleepless nights, then reassess in a few years.

It’s difficult waking during the night with a child but it is a big part of parenting when they’re under 5 so something you should try to get used to imo. Lots of us have MH issues and sleep deprivation does make things worse but as a parent it’s something you have to deal with.

I can totally understand why he doesn’t want to ask to swap shifts all of the time. He isn’t doing it to annoy you, it’s just awkward being the one who always asks to swap.

I think work was possibly therapy, rather than money, to OP. Nevertheless with 2 incomes should be able to get paid help?

To be fair i said thinking not doing

But from the ops posts, she does most of the childcare in the evenings and weekends, drop off and pickup from childcare, admin around the childrens stuff, buys all their clothes and toys, cooks all their food does some of the night wakings except when her dh is on night shift when she does all of them and she her child still goes to childcare when her dh if off after nights because he frequently works overtime.

Her dh does most of the night wakings except when hes on the night shift.

Honestly it seems pretty clear cut that she is doing most of the thinking and the doing here.

OP I’m so sorry there’s a huge lack of compassion or understanding for severe and enduring mental illness on mumsnet. You’re unlikely to get helpful or supportive replies on here because don’t you know it’s a race to the bottom when your a mumsnet mum?

I don’t have answers OP. It’s hard living with someone with a severe mental illness and it’s hard living with someone who works shifts and thinks their job is the most important thing on the planet. Both of you have to compromise somehow. You within your limits and your partner within his. The most important person in all this is your child and so the focus has to be on how to best support and care for the child. The responsibility for your health is sadly yours and yours alone.

Sadly I don’t think you’re going to get the support you need from your partner for your mental health and maybe for the sake of your relationship you need to not rely on him beyond the basics. He can’t be your therapist and carer and your partner and a dad and a full time staff member but you can’t also be everything to everyone too. If your mental health is suffering the onus is on you to find out how to ease that. Therapy and medication will only take you so far and then you’re on your own. It’s so bloody lonely and scary battling recovery. You may need to make big changes in your own personal circumstances eg cut back at work or change roles. It’s what many disabled people need to do to make life more tolerable. We all need to make sacrifices and if he won’t then you will have to. It may seem unfair but it’s what you’ve got to deal with right now.

Seriously? Her partner works full time during the day and does the night shifts. Albeit in a less well paid job. Forget gender.

It doesn’t seem that way, as she recently stated up thread how it can keep her awake at night.

If the main issue here is lack of sleep which results in worsening MH, I’m not sure sticking at a job which stops you from sleeping is really the right tactic.

She could have a job which has no/less responsibilities where you can clock out and forget about it until next shift, which surely would take a lot of pressure off and mean the only times she isn’t asleep would be when her child has woken up and her partner isn’t there to do the night wakings, which doesn’t seem like it would be too many times during the week in total as he does most of them already.

I know I’m probably coming across quite harshly, but I’ve had MH struggles myself, but I learnt a very harsh lesson during those years. Your partner can only do so much until you have to find a solution for yourself. It’s fucking hard and soul destroying at times, but you need to be able to put in place a system that keeps you afloat without constantly relying on your partner to do favours, shift swaps, finding another job, moving miles away etc. All those things do is cause resentment, rather than helping one another.

I think YABU it is one week you work 4 days he will most likely be doing 7 nights in a row.

Can you split your days so you have Wednesday off and still put your little one into nursery so she goes 5 days or you do 5 shorter days so you start later and finish earlier or can you work from home some days.

Another idea in the week he does nights could you do your hours in three days and he picks your DC up from nursery then you get an extra day at home. So you could work Monday, Wednesday and Friday and you get a day off in between.

When my DH does nights, his start on a Sunday and I get most of the day to myself and then he has a couple of hours sleep before going.

How many weeks of night shifts a year - 4 or 5 as he is doing most of the night waking the other weeks, I think you should be able to cope.

I think the extra time off is worth the sacrifice.

I do think he is wrong to bring your MH into it, but if you are having a go at him and badgering him about changing his nights he has probably reached his limit and we all say things that we do not mean if we are pushed.

Every time you post you are adding more on about what he is doing wrong, it seems he cannot win.

I think your job is the problem as you have said it keeps you awake, you said in an earlier post that you had thought about giving it up have you thought about taking some unpaid leave for a few months and seeing how you are.

@MagentaSky

"I'm also a bit aghast at all of the posters recommending you change jobs (to a less well paid one with less responsibility), when you have clearly put a lot of time and energy into your career. Why should you have to sacrifice what you've been working for all these years because he doesn't want to ask some awkward questions at work? At some point your little one will sleep through and at that point things will get a lot easier for you again."

Because she has stated that it's her job causing her stress and keeping her up at night, and therefore affecting her mental health.