To not pay for my daughter's wedding?

[WhereDidTheYearsGo]

Our daughter recently got engaged to her long term boyfriend of 12 years. They're both in their 30s, working, and have been living together for quite a few years. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. We do still go on holidays, but don't have anything like as much money as we used to have. We happily paid for private education and private healthcare and plenty more for all our children and were happy to do so but AIBU to think that by now we've done our bit and our daughter should pay for her own wedding?

It's tradition that the father pay for the daughter's wedding. Doesn't he want to do that for his daughter?

It hasn’t been tradition for years. Perhaps in some cultures. For many people I know, either one or both parents had died before the couple got married - in their 20s, so not so old.

If you’ve sent your kids through private school (not their choice let’s be honest) then be aware a lot of their peers will have parents paying some/all of the wedding. Just be aware you are choosing not to do so. I’d always want to help my kids out, my choice to have them/have more than one.

It hasn’t been tradition for years. Perhaps in some cultures. For many people I know, either one or both parents had died before the couple got married - in their 20s, so not so old.

Since when did this tradition die out then?

IMO the couples who perhaps pay for their own weddings are those who have done things 'back to front' compared to my generation - lived together, had a child(ren) then got married much later on.

My friends at the moment (in their 60s) whose daughters have married recently, contributed a lot to their weddings. They wanted to and felt that's what parents do.

I got married 15 years ago, my parents paid about £4k which was maybe half of the wedding. DHs parents didn't pay a penny, which is their right.

But they paid for all of his sister's wedding 5 years before. Still annoys me!

"We thought a good education was very important too. Perhaps if we had not chosen to spend our money on that, we would have more available now. But I don't regret a thing"

🤣 but nobody has asked you to pay a dime to their wedding.... You dont wanna pay because youve done you bit and you are over it? Fine. No one asked you for money. Go spend it on a nice holiday . Spend it on things that make you happy. All good.

@WhereDidTheYearsGo For me, the crux of your question is about whether you can afford to pay but are refusing to, or simply feel you don't want to. It comes over more as a moral question than a financial one. I pick up something from the tone of your first post that shows a certain hostility to paying towards the wedding and wonder if this is purely about money or there is a sub-text to it?

Clearly, private education will have cost hundreds of thousands over the years so you felt that was an investment and did it. Your income was presumably pretty high, so I'd assume you are 'comfortable' now too, as well as having decent occupational pensions.

I know that some of my DCs' peers ( friends from their uni days) have had weddings costing £50K! Their parents contributed to those.

I know of others where parents have said they can offer £xxx amount and would their child like it towards a property (paying off some of the mortgage) or a posh wedding.

You must be roughly my generation. We'd always assumed that parents would contribute towards a wedding if they could afford to.

I don't quite 'get' your question because it does come over as being stingy. If you can afford to pay something/ all, isn't this what you'd lie to do, to give your daughter a lovely day? And I don't mean spend £50K! Even a modest wedding.

I've never actually known any parents who, if they could afford to contribute, said they simply didn't want to, on the basis they had spent enough already.

Is there more to this than you are saying?

But a couple of comments about how expensive weddings are from her and her siblings made me wonder if they think we are being stingy.

So she hasn't asked but ...

A couple of comments from you & DH about how expensive private schools & private health care is ought to put paid to this.

It's concerning that YOU think that THEY might think you are stingy.
Can nobody just talk directly about what they are thinking?

My daughter is getting married later this year and we've paid for it all, just as my parents paid for mine.
My DH jokes that he'll die a pauper at this rate, I tell him to hurry up so I can get his insurance to replace our savings.

Gordon Bennett, the entitlement!
All dressed up with "IF parents can afford to pay" for plausible deniability ...

Why should parents who have worked their arses off to give their DC a great start in life now hand over more cash?

They now have a reduced income. I imagine they could cut corners or forgo a holiday in order to pay for a grown adult's wedding. But why should they? The adult DC are earning. If they can't afford an "expensive" wedding, they can get hitched at the Register office. Nobody deserves a big show off Insta wedding ffs. Isn't the marriage meant to be the reason they are tying the knot, not a single day of flashing the cash?

I get the impression OP can afford to pay, but it would be at the cost of say this year and next years holidays ( if it's a modest wedding).

If you'd have asked 30 year old me I'd have said that was a reasonable swap to see your DC married.However 52 year old me now sees that there's a finite amount of carefree holiday years after retirement before aches and pains and health issues set in, I'd therefore have to weigh up what I wanted to do, before discussing with DC.

I'd certainly want to contribute something to any wedding. I think money is better as then the B2B can buy a cheap dress for example and use the rest towards something that is important to them at the day.

@TalkingCat the tradition started as your daughter was seen as your property and you were then passing your property on to the groom. I’m hoping we are slightly more enlightened now.

@Norgie do you have a son, would you pay for his wedding?

My dad paid for my wedding, I put in about 8k and he put in the rest. I think if you can afford it it’s nice to pay for kids weddings.

When my parents downsized they gave us all about £10k each and said it was for wedding or house deposit. Then they paid for my dress and my brothers’ evening buffet. That was a surprise as we really didn’t expect it. They’ve got some funny spreadsheet tracking exactly what they’ve spent on us since we were 18 (uni costs etc) trying to get it equal.

@Norgie

If parents have little money they cannot afford to pay for everything and many borrow to to do. Millions of people don’t have savings in this country so wedding expenses are a shock to the system.

@JinglingHellsBells
I agree with your post. The OP sounds a bit belligerent and it doesn’t come across as the post of someone who has unconditional love for the DD. The reference to having paid for education is a complete red herring. You might as well add in university expenses and birthday treats in the past. It’s as if the drawbridge has been drawn up now DD wants to get married. Maybe the DD hasn’t done as well as expected after her expensive education so it’s all been a bit of a disappointment? When a parent prefers holidays to chipping in for a wedding if does rather suggest a frosty relationship.

My DHs parents didn’t want to pay 1p towards our wedding despite the fact my DM was fairly recently widowed. They did, in the end, put some money towards the drinks bill. DH wasn’t happy about this. DM paid what she could towards the reception. We ended up paying for nearly everything though but had a small wedding. That was over 40 years ago. I think when parents are stingy it’s not forgotten. Of course DHs parents continued to have holidays and new cars. They saw it as the responsibility of my DM and stuck to their position.

We were in our mid 20s so didn’t have much spare money. Looking back, I think we should have waited and had the wedding we wanted when we could afford it. I don’t feel I enjoyed my wedding because every single aspect of it was a compromise and no help was forthcoming. DM didn’t help me with any of the arrangements. DH and me organised everything and paid for most of it. I didn’t have very grand ideas but I could not afford a wedding dress. So it didn’t feel like the wedding I would have wanted and we didn’t have dancing or any fun. So I would urge anyone who can afford holidays to talk to their DCs about what they can do. It feels lonely when parents are not really interested.

@KettrickenSmiled I think you have missed my point spectacularly.

It's not about entitlement. The OP doesn't say her DD is asking for the money, does she?

It's about doing what you want to, and are able to, for your children.

Weddings are family events and many parents of my age (and the OP I expect) grew up with the idea of paying for their daughter's weddings. I can recall jokes where parents had 3 daughters about 'Oh it's going to cost you when they get married.' It was, for many years, a tradition. And still is for some families. The parents of my DCs friends have all paid for their weddings, in part, and they are retired and in their 60s and 70s.

It's not about the child feeling entitled, it's something the parents want to do, if they can.

Most parents I know, with a reasonable income (and this includes the OP) save over the years and have a nest egg to put towards a wedding if it happens - it's part of their financial planning. I don't know from her posts if it's a choice of either/ or, or if she just feels she doesn't want to pay. Her DD didn't ask to be privately educated, and private health cover for young people is very cheap (we had a family policy.)

But if she'd rather spend their money on holidays, that's fine. It's her choice.

@JinglingHellsBells but both sets of DPs did contribute to your wedding in the end , so I'm not sure why you and your DH still seem so disappointed in them.

The school fees are relevant. It shows that OP and her DH were happy to financially support their DCs when they were in a position to do so. Now not so much, and there is more than one adult DC to be considered.

If OP and her DH could afford the wedding for all their DCs without any personal sacrifices, then absolutely it would be the right thing to pay for them all. This is not the case here and why shouldn't pensioners have a few nice holidays now they're retired?

Sorry that was addressed to @TizerorFizz

@TizerorFizz Thank you! Personally, I feel flash weddings are vulgar and a waste of money. I hope that if my kids every marry they will have a very modest wedding and use any money we can give them more wisely, probably to reduce huge mortgages.

My father did pay for my wedding, but it was tiny and very cheap by today's standards. He was a proud man and wanted to do it. I knew they had little savings, he'd never been a high earner, so I limited numbers for that reason (cost), bought my own dress and DH's parents provided the cake.

So I didn't want to bankrupt them, but he wanted to contribute.

I don't think he did a tally of 'well, I paid towards Jingling to go to uni, so I'm not going to pay for XYZ now.'

Unless the OP comes back, its all speculation...maybe she has the money but doesn't want to use it for a wedding.Her choice!

The OP has come back though and said that as they paid for private education they weren't also
able to set aside money for weddings - and remember she has multiple DC.

I'm not a boomer but paid for my own wedding. It was very basic but it got us married. My children have done the same.

Unless we know their budget for holidays, it's meaningless. She might want to have a few hols for £10K each!

Anyway, it's not necessarily that they can't afford it, she's saying they have 'done their bit' and it's over the the DD now to pay for her own wedding.

She's just wanting confirmation that this is ok, as deep down she knows it's maybe a bit mean.

The fact she is asking shows it's a dilemma. If she had no money at all, there would not be a choice.

My parents are almost 70. They paid for their own wedding too.

My mother once told me, if you can't afford the wedding, you can't afford to be married.

We're in our 30s and engaged and wouldn't expect our parents to pay for our wedding.

Parents of friends who have already got married have given a gift towards it, or paid for the wedding dress or some contribution like that.

I think the op thinks weddings are a waste of money, whereas education, healthcare and property are not. The same as my view!