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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my daughter's wedding?

412 replies

WhereDidTheYearsGo · 30/05/2022 18:57

Our daughter recently got engaged to her long term boyfriend of 12 years. They're both in their 30s, working, and have been living together for quite a few years. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. We do still go on holidays, but don't have anything like as much money as we used to have. We happily paid for private education and private healthcare and plenty more for all our children and were happy to do so but AIBU to think that by now we've done our bit and our daughter should pay for her own wedding?

OP posts:
PurpleButterflyWings · 30/05/2022 23:15

No I don't think you should have to pay for your daughters wedding. I think it's a massively outdated concept for a young woman's parents to have to pay for a wedding for two fully grown adults who have their own income and home already.

I don't actually know why or how this concept ever started. Me and DH have been married over a quarter of a century now, (got married in the mid 1990s,) and my parents and his weren't very rich and we paid for our own wedding. The cake, the photographer, the wedding dress, the two bridesmaids dresses, the groom and best man outfits, the reception meal/wedding breakfast for 42 people, the venue, the flowers, the ceremony, and our honeymoon. In the mid 1990s this cost us around 5 thousand pounds.

We were both well educated professionals on quite decent salaries, and had our own home, and there's no way in hell that we would have expected our parents to have paid for our wedding. Back in the 1980s three or four young women I knew and two of my cousins (who are 8 to 10 years older than me) had their parents pay for their wedding, and all but one went into quite a considerable amount of debt to do it... Why? just to show off? Daft!

Our daughter is getting married in September this year, and the cost is coming to around 8000 pounds. She and her fiance are paying half - so 4000 pounds, her fiance's parents are contributing 2000 pounds, and we're contributing 2000 pounds. Both my daughter and her fiance made it clear to myself my husband and his own parents that they didn't want anything towards it ... but both me and my husband and her fiance's parents WANTED to contribute something.

2000 pounds is not a drop in the ocean and it's a decent amount of money - but I feel that it's fairly affordable for quite a lot of people. (For a contribution towards their daughter or son's wedding.) I mean going back to the 1980s again, a couple of families I knew paid 8,000 to 10,000 pounds for their daughter's wedding - 35 to 40 years ago! Absolutely bloody ludicrous considering you could get a house for about 20,000 to 25,000 pounds at that time. Why ??? Just to say oh 'look how rich we are?' (They weren't!) Paying 8000 to 10,000 for a wedding back then is like paying £40,000 to £50,000 now! Bonkers!

It is no longer the DUTY of the bride's parents to pay - thank GOD. Just as well seeing as how many people are brassick now!

Robinni · 30/05/2022 23:16

Stickworm · 30/05/2022 21:08

It’s not the expected thing anymore surely? I think both sets of our parents gave us £1k each as a lovely gift but we paid the rest ourselves and wouldn’t have expected anyone else to pay.

Not expected, often people pay themselves. However, I’d say pretty poor form for parents to do nothing.

The way we work it is though parents paid ours, we will pay our DC’s or give a significant contribution if it is refused.

bouncydog · 30/05/2022 23:23

When the wedding was announced DH and I told DD an amount that we would contribute. We also bought her dress, shoes etc and the bridesmaids dresses. Her boyfriends family also contributed. We have no idea whether they have had to contribute anything themselves, nor would we ask as it’s their business not ours and we rightly have no idea of any amounts from her boyfriends family. They sent the invites out from themselves and their families so everybody has been included on an equal basis. If you can afford to contribute anything then I sure it would be gratefully received. Our DD and her boyfriend had no expectations of any contributions!

WildCoasts · 30/05/2022 23:30

I got married at 18. We paid for our own wedding. Weddings don't have to cost 20K plus. We had the wedding we could afford. Our children have done the same.

saleorbouy · 30/05/2022 23:45

Got married in my 30's, my parents offered a contribution as did my partners for her dress. Otherwise the majority was funded by us.
It's not really expected that parents pay these days.

Dasher789 · 30/05/2022 23:47

I got married two years ago. My parents are divorced. My DM and DF both gave me £1k each as a wedding gift in advance of the wedding so it could go towards the costs. Dh parents did similar. We were 32 at the time. Like PP I don't know anyone whose parents paid for their whole day. My wedding was seriously affected by covid so it cost a lot less than expected but my parents said to keep the money as it was their gift.

CityKittie · 30/05/2022 23:47

I was in a similar situation to your daughter - married in early 30s after 10years together. Me and DH earn very well but still had the smallest wedding we could get away with while keeping grandparents happy.
I would never dream of asking/expecting my parents financial input, and haven’t since I was 18. They’ve done everything within their power to set me for a successful life, but are now retired with a very limited income, why on earth should that be spent on me when I earn more than they were ever able too.
I know many of my peers that did go for much more elaborate weddings and paid their own way too and others that had parental help. All to say - I think anything goes these days! Offer if you’re happy and able to (comfortably) otherwise tell her upfront that you’re sorry your not able to contribute and I’m sure she’d be mortified that this was weighing on you!

CraftyGin · 30/05/2022 23:47

I grew up in an era of the bride's family paying for the wedding, but also that the couple didn't already have a household set up.

We contributed to my son's wedding. DH didn't really disclose, but I think we paid for the food for all our side of the family @120 per head. We also hosted pre and post parties, and made the cake.

maddy68 · 30/05/2022 23:50

You need to have the conversation though but you are not unreasonable to not pay

CJsGoldfish · 30/05/2022 23:58

Tbh, I find it really off when grown women (and their partners) have their hand out after living independently and building their own lives, often with children already.
So, no. I won't be paying for my daughters' weddings but they wouldn't expect me to. More than happy to help out where I can.

mrsmacmc · 31/05/2022 00:06

When we got married 10 years ago mid twenties, my parents paid for our wedding with a contribution from the IL's for the toast and evening buffet. We didn't ask it was offered (DH and I weren't living together until 4 months prior to wedding).

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/05/2022 00:10

YANBU BUT........when you have the chat, set a budget for the dress. Someone my sister worked with offered to buy her daughters dress and her DD then set her heart on one of the.....was it Hollywood Dreams? cant remember!........dresses that was about 2.5k, more than the mother could afford. But the DD went full bridezilla as "YOU SAID YOU WOULD BUY MY DRESS!!!" and the mother ended up going into debt over it because the DD was being such a bitch about it.

And you can probably guess how long the marriage lasted.

Clue: Less than it took the mother to pay off the dress.

sammyjoanne · 31/05/2022 01:09

Everyone is different. it depends on financial situation.
I got married at 21, and both parents were still working, and I had a brother who was 17 and sister aged 13 at the time so they had to support them too. The dress back then was £300 which was cheap in comparission to the £700-£800 dresses of the time, so they paid for that. We paid for the weddingbridesmaid dresses, the reception do, and the cake.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 31/05/2022 05:30

I got married in the 80s (divorced now). We paid for it ourselves. We were working and had our own home, it would have been weird to me to expect not to pay. I was 23 when I married.

Rosehugger · 31/05/2022 05:35

I was 28 when I got married and we could have paid for everything ourselves but both sets of parents contributed to the wedding as their gift, as they wanted to.

Hotcuppatea · 31/05/2022 05:40

I'm slightly gobsmacked that so many posters seem to expect financial contributions from their parents as almost a right.

No one is forcing anyone to have some big party with a crazy expensive dress. If that's what your daughters want to do, then fine, but clearly they have to pay for it. If they are getting worried at the expense of a wedding, then they have the option to moderate their plans.

Marvellousmadness · 31/05/2022 05:41

It reads a bit cold....as in "she can pay for her own shit. Why should i"

My mum paid for the dress. And i love that she did! Doesnt have to be much. Def not the whole thing. Although some parents do but depends on your wealth and relationship

Marvellousmadness · 31/05/2022 05:43

All these boomers responding that they paid their whole wedding themselves etc : times have changed.

girlmom21 · 31/05/2022 05:46

Aria2015 · 30/05/2022 20:19

Oh yes, and as another poster mentioned. If you're not paying, don't expect any say over who gets invited etc.,. Imo that's only appropriate if you're paying for it all.

No you still don't get a say - paying or not.

saraclara · 31/05/2022 06:13

Marvellousmadness · 31/05/2022 05:43

All these boomers responding that they paid their whole wedding themselves etc : times have changed.

What? This makes no sense (and spare us the boomer rubbish)

girlmom21 · 31/05/2022 06:18

Marvellousmadness · 31/05/2022 05:43

All these boomers responding that they paid their whole wedding themselves etc : times have changed.

If anything they'd say they didn't have to pay anything at all, surely?

You said yourself your mom only bought the dress so I'm struggling with your point here.

saraclara · 31/05/2022 06:19

girlmom21 · 31/05/2022 05:46

No you still don't get a say - paying or not.

Show quote history

If you're paying for the whole thing, then yes, I think you're entitled to at least some say on the guest list. Not total control by any means, but I think it would be hugely churlish of the bride and groom to refuse to invite a couple of the parents friends, for instance.

I only contributed to the dress, but my DD still asked me if there was anyone I'd like her to invite, which was sweet of her.

Maybebabyno2 · 31/05/2022 06:34

I don't think you should pay unless you are being demanding on what she does.

Me and DP are going to elope, I've made this very clear to everyone. When people moan about wanting to see us get married, I tell them if they want to pay for it then that's what we will do. They pipe down after that.

Worst is my lovely mother who told me years ago that she would be upset if I eloped. Me and dp went on holiday somewhere we could have easily gotten married. She near begged me not to so I didn't. I was much younger then and more focused on people pleasing. When I talk about getting married now, she says 'I don't know why you didn't just do it that holiday years ago'.

I could seriously bash my head into a bus when we have this conversation.

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/05/2022 06:39

Hotcuppatea · Today 05:40
I'm slightly gobsmacked that so many posters seem to expect financial contributions from their parents as almost a right.

No one is forcing anyone to have some big party with a crazy expensive dress. If that's what your daughters want to do, then fine, but clearly they have to pay for it. If they are getting worried at the expense of a wedding, then they have the option to moderate their plans.“

this
we’re paying because we want to and can but there was no expectation whatsoever.

SundayTeatime · 31/05/2022 07:13

Marvellousmadness · 31/05/2022 05:43

All these boomers responding that they paid their whole wedding themselves etc : times have changed.

What do you mean? Who do you expect to pay for a wedding, apart from the bride and groom? They are likely to be the ones working, with money.Their parents will often be retired, on very reduced incomes.

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