To not pay for my daughter's wedding?

[WhereDidTheYearsGo]

Our daughter recently got engaged to her long term boyfriend of 12 years. They're both in their 30s, working, and have been living together for quite a few years. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. We do still go on holidays, but don't have anything like as much money as we used to have. We happily paid for private education and private healthcare and plenty more for all our children and were happy to do so but AIBU to think that by now we've done our bit and our daughter should pay for her own wedding?

@WildCoasts
We could afford to be married and had saved a deposit for a house and had a mortgage to repay at 15% interest rates. Affording a wedding on top was the mistake. We obviously couldn’t do what we wanted as we had mostly depleted our savings. We had lived together for 4 years. We should have waited, mostly invited friends, and had fun.

I'm in my 30s and getting married on Saturday! We've paid for our own wedding. My DM has very kindly bought my dress and DP's parents have paid for the photography. They didn't have to and we're very grateful.

I much prefer it this way. For starters, we're independent and have been for years. We already have 2 children. Also, I've been able to plan my day and have it the way I want it because I'm paying for it. I remember my mum telling me that she had no say over her wedding day or who was invited because her parents paid

I'd be happy to have a backyard BBQ. It's the marriage that is most important. I think investing in a house over an expensive wedding was a wise call on your part.

One of those where I don't understand why people are so judgy about it and there are endless threads about it. Surely it's up to the individual family? It doesn't make you a better person whether or not your parents gave you financial assistance.

Yup - that's how I see it, particularly these days when the younger generation will be working until they drop unless they make significant pension provisions early in life and the cost of living is rising so quickly.

The OPs DD has been with her DP for 9 years. Whilst it's nice they want to get married it's not the significant tying together of two families that it used to be, plus they've had plenty of time to save for it.

To give nothing feels a bit tight, but if you can afford it maybe give all the DCs a cheque for £1000 - £2000 and they can decide if they want to spend it on a wedding or house deposit.

I paid for the venue and food and flowers and favours, my aunt paid for my dress, my mum did a lovely catering at home the day before, and after the wedding my MIL gave us a very generous present that covered a lot of what i paid for the venue. So, people contributed what they wanted when they wanted and if they wanted.

We got married when I was 27. We didn't expect my parents to pay for the wedding at all, but they insisted and it made them happy to do it. They were both still working at the time though and in high paying jobs, had paid off their mortgage and were in a very good financial position. I am also an only child and I think that makes a difference as most people wouldn't want to do for one child what they can't afford to do for them all.
My DC are still young but when the time comes I would definitely want to make a contribution whether that's paying for the venue or their honeymoon but it will depend on what our financial circumstances are at the time. I don't think anyone should feel pressured to spend money they can't afford in the name of tradition though.

@neverbeenskiing
The OP could afford something. Most people who paid for private education and now have holidays could cut the holidays. It depends on what relationship you want with DC. In this case it’s all about the OP having done her bit financially. All of which was her choice. Now she’s saying they didn’t save for decent pensions but prefer holidays. It sounds like it’s all about her. It will leave a sour taste on the day - guaranteed. Even if it’s a bbq in the garden! Who doesn’t want to make a contribution for the day?

Nowadays, most parents make a contribution to the wedding

Why should they cut a holiday that they have worked hard for? How selfish of the couple to expect their parents to sacrifice their own lives for their wedding, especially if they are already in their 30s or had some earning time. I'm glad my children didn't feel so entitled or disregard me as a person. That made me more willing to help them out.

We said from years ago that we would not expect to pay but now it's happening I still worry. Illogical I know

So you said, years ago, that you wouldn't pay for the wedding. You made it clear then.

It's your choice. You clearly invested a huge amount of money in private education! At current rates, even a modest day-school is £20K a year, so if you funded indy ed for 12 years (?) for several children you're talking of a LOT of money.

It's a shame you now have to watch the pennies in your retirement, but you made your choices. I do wonder why neither of you don't appear to have occupational pensions as well as your state pensions, because you must have been high earners.

And it also depends on what your holidays cost. For some people it's £500 for a self catering stay, for others it 's £5K pp for a cruise.

@WildCoasts RTFT The DD has not asked, nor expects her parents to pay. The OP is the one feeling guilty as she wants hols rather than paying towards her DDs wedding.

Fair enough. I have read the full thread. I'm responding to the one poster.

RTFT- The F doesn't stand for full!

. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. @WhereDidTheYearsGo Of course you have money coming in.
Occupational pensions and state pensions if you are over 66.

Usually pensioners are sacred cows on mumsnet that can't be expected to pay or organise a thing.

Here though the general feeling seems to be that weddings trump all regardless of the DPs financial status or how much they have already supported their DCs over the years.

@toomuchlaundry Yes. We made a hefty contribution towards their weddings as we expect that either their wives patents paid or made a contribution.
I completely understand that it's not affordable for everyone or that not everyone wants to pay, particularly if the couple already live together.
Mine didn't live with their spouses prior to marriage, as I didn't live with my DH prior to ours.
The op can only do what she feels comfortable with

Parents, not patents.

I wonder how many weddings parents are expected to pay for, do they have to pay for the second one if the first one doesn’t work out.

Much better to help towards education and housing (if you can) than a flashy wedding

Oh and although the DD has not asked directly for wedding money but she and her siblings have been heard by OP complaining about how expensive weddings are, which does feel like they are hinting.

I think the issue here is that OP and her DH have been too generous over the years. Like many posters here they assume that because their education was paid for that DPs must have great pensions and therefore should be paying big chunks of the wedding- and after all didn't they go abroad 3 times last year.

Feels like entitlement to me.

Christ I wouldn't want to get it no the wrong side of you. You seem mean.

Yanbu, I got married in my 30s and couldn't have dreamt of my parents contributing towards the wedding. As it was they wanted to gift us our wedding cake, as a wedding gift which was lovely.

@Supersimkin2 Blimey. Even if my parents hadn't have paid for mine, they would still have been top table guests and my father would still have walked me down the aisle.
I wouldn't have had it any other way. They're my parents, therefore V.I.Ps as far as I'm concerned.
They even sat at the top table at my children's weddings, at my children's insistence.
What would you do if they couldn't afford to contribute? Banish them?

We paid for our own wedding with a contribution from my mum for the flowers.
Two of my daughters are married and we paid a contribution to their weddings. They didn't ask though.

It depends if family relationship
has broken down though. The OP is digging in. Doesn’t seem a loving relationship.