To not pay for my daughter's wedding?

[WhereDidTheYearsGo]

Our daughter recently got engaged to her long term boyfriend of 12 years. They're both in their 30s, working, and have been living together for quite a few years. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. We do still go on holidays, but don't have anything like as much money as we used to have. We happily paid for private education and private healthcare and plenty more for all our children and were happy to do so but AIBU to think that by now we've done our bit and our daughter should pay for her own wedding?

[GlitteryGreen]

PS. My sister got married last year and my best tip would be - if you do plan to offer any kind of contribution, please let her know asap.
My parents made lots of vague comments about paying for this or that, or 'we'll help you' when expense was mentioned, but never actually offered anything solid up until the last minute, so decisions were made without accounting for their contributions.
Even if you just want to contribute £100, that's £100 it's so useful for them to know about and be able to knock off of what they need to save between them.

[ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave]

But a couple of comments about how expensive weddings are

They're as expensive as you make them. If your daughter falls into the trap of spending £5k+ on a party, that's her business and not your responsibility.

[WhereDidTheYearsGo]

@Ponderingwindow

You do not need to pay for her wedding. Even if you were flush with cash, you would not. I’m of the view that providing a good education is the only parental obligation. If you would like to make a contribution and are financially able to do so, make a flat offer amount and let them budget it as they wish.

We thought a good education was very important too. Perhaps if we had not chosen to spend our money on that, we would have more available now. But I don't regret a thing.

[GlitteryGreen]

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave

But a couple of comments about how expensive weddings are

They're as expensive as you make them. If your daughter falls into the trap of spending £5k+ on a party, that's her business and not your responsibility.

I used to think this too, until I attended a wedding fair with my friend and realised how much prices are inflated for weddings.

The reality seems to be that if you do want a more traditional type of wedding - even a minimal one with just ceremony, photographer and reception at a venue rather than at home - you are looking at a minimum of around 4/5k, unless it's really tiny.

My sister tried to cut a lot of expense out of her wedding and had nothing flash, but still ended up at 8k once family and friends were invited, a photographer and venue booked, and bride and groom's outfits purchased. Places absolutely rinse you when they know it's a wedding.

[WhereDidTheYearsGo]

@Gnomechange

I got married in my early 30s a few years ago, my partner and I were together for about10 years. We ofcourse paid for our own wedding, as did all of my friends of a similar age. I found it weird that some of the women I worked with were paying for their daughters weddings. It seemed very old fashioned to me. I would much rather my parents spent their money on big holidays and having a nice retirement.

You sound lovely

[ChelleDes]

I got married just before I turned 30 and my husband was 35, both working with good salaries. Our parents decided to contribute to our wedding costs. My parents bought the cake and my in-laws did the flowers. YANBU

[Nocutenamesleft]

God. My dad gave me £500 towards my wedding. But from childhood I was told in no uncertain terms that he would never pay for anything regarding my wedding

and he didn’t.

[thegreylady]

We chipped in some cash and bought dd’s dress and bridesmaids’ dresses. Dsil’s parents put in a similar amount and the bride and groom paid the rest.

[RaginaPhalange]

Yanbu, we didn't expect our parents to pay for our wedding. We paid for it ourselves. They gave us a gift and that was more than enough.

[altiara]

If it was me, I’d decide an amount of money to contribute (be it towards the dress or wedding) so it’s clear up front rather than saying you’ll pay for the dress and she chooses a 3k dress and you were thinking £500.

[YouHaveAnArse]

We were in the same situation as your DD. We eloped abroad.

[JinglingHellsBells]

Have things changed?

I was married in the early 1980s and it was absolutely the norm for the bride's parents to fund the wedding and what they could afford dictated what type of wedding. In fact they felt it was their role to do so.

Friends used to joke about parents with many daughters, as they would be forking out for their weddings.

I was a professional, working, as was my DH. We didn't expect to pay for our wedding. I bought my dress and his parents contributed various things to the wedding day.

I have friends with daughters who were married within the last few years and they (the parents) paid for the wedding.

I think OP it depends on what you can afford.

Neither of my DCs are married (yet) But I am expecting us to cough up for some of if they ever are, even as pensioners now.

[TizerorFizz]

@WhereDidTheYearsGo
You chose to spend money on education but presumably gave your DD no choice in the matter. Your choice but I don’t think you could really afford it if you now cannot make a decent wedding contribution. You sound as if you have done your job. I think my DD1 will pay a good contribution towards hers as her education seems to have got her a well paid job. However I would never ever pay for nothing and would give up a holiday if need be.

DD2 seems to have a well off boyfriend with very wealthy parents. I rather think we might need a full and frank discussion on that one but I’d still pay for her dress! At the very least.

[JinglingHellsBells]

I think things have changed. I know my father was proud to fund our wedding (which was very small) and felt it was his duty. It was something they had put money away for even though he was a low earner.

[Lillimae32]

No I wouldn’t pay for the wedding but I would make a contribution based on what I could afford at the time.

[toomuchlaundry]

Paying for your daughter’s wedding is like a dowry and handing over the ownership of your daughter.

[Mummyof287]

Not at all! Weddings these days are expensive, and they should expect and plan to pay for it themselves.We did and were both on low paid jobs at the time.Our parents kindly contributed towards parts of it, but this was offered not expected.Its nice to do that if you can afford to I think, or if someone can't perhaps just offer to help with certain preparations or make something if its that sort of 'homemade' wedding.x

[Wideawakeandconfused]

We married in our 30’s and paid for our own wedding bar my dress which my parents wanted to pay for. We could have but they wanted to
contribute and it was so special that they were able to do that.

[HollowTalk]

The thing is that if she wanted to just go to the local registry office with half a dozen people and go for a nice meal afterwards then maybe you would like to pay, but if she wants a blank cheque then of course you can't pay. She is in her 30s and they are earning a lot more money than you are, so why should you be the one to pay when she could do it cheaply anyway.

[whatsthpoint]

@JinglingHellsBells

I think things have changed. I know my father was proud to fund our wedding (which was very small) and felt it was his duty. It was something they had put money away for even though he was a low earner.

Obviously things have changed since 40yrs ago!

[BlueMountains5]

I’m around your daughter’s age. My partner and I are starting to plan our wedding and are expecting to pay for it ourselves, which I’m completely fine with. We’re probably going to have a very small wedding or possibly elope. My parents aren’t that interested in weddings and couldn’t care less what we did, as long as we’re happy.

But I have to say - I was also privately educated and amongst that group of friends, almost everyone’s parents paid for all of, or a significant portion, of their wedding. So that might just be the norm in your daughter’s group of friends. I don’t think that means you have to contribute anything - I’m sure she’d prefer you to feel financially comfortable and enjoy your retirement. But that might be where the expectation (if there is one) is coming from.

[HappydaysArehere]

After living together for so long and getting a home set up it would be expected that they would pay for any wedding they choose to have. Of course if you want to put anything towards it that is an option but your choice. It was different years ago. We got married very young and my dad paid for the wedding (1960).Then it was expected for parents to pay for a daughter’s wedding although the cost was usually nothing like I have heard of today with thousands being spent on a wedding dress etc. My dad gave us a nice wedding that people enjoyed. We paid for both my daughters weddings and it was again very enjoyable but at a price we could afford. We were still at work.

[Ariela]

My Dad absolutely insisted on paying for (and we insisted he did the choosing) the wine and English Sparkling wine for the toast, he is quite knowledgeable and made very good choices. However it worked in his favour (we don't drink much wine) he took the undrunk wine bottles home. We were late 30s and hadn't expected anything from either parents (as we lived together and had own house and contents by then)

[Dibbydoos]

Hi OP, you're not being unreasonable at all.

We paid for our own wedding, my brother and sister did the same - we were all working and in our late 20's early 30's.

My 83 yo DM sold her house last year and moved into rented sheltered housing (my DD died 7 years ago), so she has a stash of money and all 3 of us have told her to enjoy it.

Hope your DCs feel the same way. You've worked hard, so enjoy your retirement x

[PurpleButterflyWings]

@Gnomechange

I got married in my early 30s a few years ago, my partner and I were together for about10 years. We of course paid for our own wedding, as did all of my friends of a similar age. I found it weird that some of the women I worked with were paying for their daughters weddings. It seemed very old fashioned to me. I would much rather my parents spent their money on big holidays and having a nice retirement.

Lovely attitude.