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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my daughter's wedding?

412 replies

WhereDidTheYearsGo · 30/05/2022 18:57

Our daughter recently got engaged to her long term boyfriend of 12 years. They're both in their 30s, working, and have been living together for quite a few years. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. We do still go on holidays, but don't have anything like as much money as we used to have. We happily paid for private education and private healthcare and plenty more for all our children and were happy to do so but AIBU to think that by now we've done our bit and our daughter should pay for her own wedding?

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 31/05/2022 11:05

Or even a supportive one. It looks like the ol resents the money spent on education. Her choice though. Maybe she didn’t get the return she expected?

JinglingHellsBells · 31/05/2022 11:28

Most 'pensioners' with DCs in their 30s are better off than their DCs!
The young today are saddled with huge mortgages if they live in the SE, if they can ever buy a house, uni debts, high taxation and HUGE childcare fees of £1K a month in some areas.

We benefited from free (almost) uni education, low house prices ( yes, 2.5 times one income bought a good house), and final salary pensions.

I fully expect to contribute to my DCs weddings if they marry (and many don't these days) as we are sitting comfortably, and they are struggling with high mortgages despite earning very decent incomes. I hope they will be sensible and have modest weddings, if they happen at all.

Happyhappyday · 31/05/2022 11:33

My parents paid for my wedding & I believe contributed the same to my brother in some form. I did not expect it though & my mum made it extremely clear from as soon as we were engaged that they wanted to pay and had budgeted accordingly. My parents were still working though, my dad has a 6 figure a year pension for life and they have a lot of assets in addition to huge private pension so while it was A LOT of money to me & my mum sort of pushed for some choices that were much more expensive than I would have chosen, it wasn’t a huge sacrifice for them & was clearly something that was important to her. Most of my friends had substantial contributions from parents but none expected & all parents were very well off.

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2022 11:34

@JinglingHellsBells not everyone has amazing pensions. When DH and I got married we definitely had more income than my parents and in-laws. No way would we have expected any of them to have paid for our wedding. They all contributed in different ways eg making the cake, designing the invites. My parents paid for my dress as a gift but I would have felt very guilty if they thought they had to pay for the whole thing. We had a small wedding which fitted our tastes and our budget

Happyhappyday · 31/05/2022 11:37

Should say DH & I also already had over 60% equity in a London flat with a very small mortgage to income ratio so absolutely did not need the money in that area. I would have had serious qualms about my parents spending the wedding money on that if we’d been in a different position but ultimately it was their money to spend how they chose.

JinglingHellsBells · 31/05/2022 11:44

@toomuchlaundry I didn't say everyone had amazing pensions. I said that on a generational level, older people now are - on average- better off than younger people, saddled with uni debts, high childcare, high house prices, and high taxation. Of course not ALL people who are retired are comfortably off BUT any couple who could afford indy fees for years, must have been high earners and contributed to a company pension scheme. (Unless they were self employed and chose not to.)

The statement from the OP that' they don't have any money coming in' is just untrue.

rookiemere · 31/05/2022 11:55

Even if OP and her DH do have "good" pensions it doesn't mean they have the £20k x number of DCs to pay fully for each wedding.

OP has said she wants to contribute something but can't afford to pay for all of it ( and x that for siblings ) without it impacting their lifestyle.

I agree young people these days do have it tougher than their predecessors. How lucky then for OPs DC that their DPs prioritised education and all the more reason to have a modest wedding, regardless of who is forking out for the bill

rookiemere · 31/05/2022 12:10

Also because state pension has shifted out to 67 many people will use their savings to top up the difference between age 60-67.

That's certainly the scenario we'll be in and I'm not working longer than I need to in order to fund a wedding or just because my DS may have to when he's older.

JinglingHellsBells · 31/05/2022 12:16

@rookiemere ???Where did the £20K come from in her posts?

No one has even mentioned a figure.

Also, retiring at 60 is a choice. If someone can't afford to retire then, they know what to do!

And many people like work and want to carry on beyond 60 (we did.)

Original poster
WhereDidTheYearsGo · 31/05/2022 12:20

JinglingHellsBells · 31/05/2022 08:05

@WhereDidTheYearsGo For me, the crux of your question is about whether you can afford to pay but are refusing to, or simply feel you don't want to. It comes over more as a moral question than a financial one. I pick up something from the tone of your first post that shows a certain hostility to paying towards the wedding and wonder if this is purely about money or there is a sub-text to it?

Clearly, private education will have cost hundreds of thousands over the years so you felt that was an investment and did it. Your income was presumably pretty high, so I'd assume you are 'comfortable' now too, as well as having decent occupational pensions.

I know that some of my DCs' peers ( friends from their uni days) have had weddings costing £50K! Their parents contributed to those.

I know of others where parents have said they can offer £xxx amount and would their child like it towards a property (paying off some of the mortgage) or a posh wedding.

You must be roughly my generation. We'd always assumed that parents would contribute towards a wedding if they could afford to.

I don't quite 'get' your question because it does come over as being stingy. If you can afford to pay something/ all, isn't this what you'd lie to do, to give your daughter a lovely day? And I don't mean spend £50K! Even a modest wedding.

I've never actually known any parents who, if they could afford to contribute, said they simply didn't want to, on the basis they had spent enough already.

Is there more to this than you are saying?

Yes we did used to have a good income. And if our daughter had got married 10 years ago, we may have found it easier to find the money. But now it would be quite a stretch, whatever we choose to give. However I feel our DC don't always understand that we no longer have the money we once did (although we do say this) and that's probably the crux of why I feel that we may be just seen as stingy.

I'm sure we will make some contribution however.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 31/05/2022 12:21

Average cost of a wedding in UK is £17.3k in 2021 apparently.
@JinglingHellsBells if you're happy to keep on working past 60 that's great. At the minute I don't want to be - or if I do certainly not in my stressful corporate role - and certainly not to be paying for a DCs wedding.

Original poster
WhereDidTheYearsGo · 31/05/2022 12:25

@KettrickenSmiled This is the point indeed.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 31/05/2022 12:28

What would you do if they couldn't afford to contribute? Banish them?
😂😂😂

What use are non-contributing parents @Norgie?
Especially in these days of Insta-Destination extravaganzas, which cost all-comers an arm & a leg ...

Original poster
WhereDidTheYearsGo · 31/05/2022 12:29

rookiemere · 31/05/2022 08:29

I get the impression OP can afford to pay, but it would be at the cost of say this year and next years holidays ( if it's a modest wedding).

If you'd have asked 30 year old me I'd have said that was a reasonable swap to see your DC married.However 52 year old me now sees that there's a finite amount of carefree holiday years after retirement before aches and pains and health issues set in, I'd therefore have to weigh up what I wanted to do, before discussing with DC.

I'd certainly want to contribute something to any wedding. I think money is better as then the B2B can buy a cheap dress for example and use the rest towards something that is important to them at the day.

This is the problem with the holidays. I think younger people think forgoing a holiday or two doesn't matter and 10 years ago I would have agreed but we are older than you and are on much more limited years left of being able to travel.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhereDidTheYearsGo · 31/05/2022 12:39

rookiemere · 31/05/2022 10:38

Usually pensioners are sacred cows on mumsnet that can't be expected to pay or organise a thing.

Here though the general feeling seems to be that weddings trump all regardless of the DPs financial status or how much they have already supported their DCs over the years.

I think there's a lot in this

OP posts:
Original poster
WhereDidTheYearsGo · 31/05/2022 12:41

rookiemere · 31/05/2022 10:43

Oh and although the DD has not asked directly for wedding money but she and her siblings have been heard by OP complaining about how expensive weddings are, which does feel like they are hinting.

I think the issue here is that OP and her DH have been too generous over the years. Like many posters here they assume that because their education was paid for that DPs must have great pensions and therefore should be paying big chunks of the wedding- and after all didn't they go abroad 3 times last year.

Feels like entitlement to me.

You have hit the nail on the head here I think.

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 31/05/2022 12:44

I think this is meaningless @WhereDidTheYearsGo without knowing the actual figures and of course I'd not expect you to explain.

But for example, your former good income, allowing several DCs to go to indy schools, might have been £200K pa - not unrealistic with 2 adults earning a 6-figure income and with several DCs all at school, you'd need quite a bit.

Now, perhaps, you are 'only' on £50K a year or whatever.

It's all relative. :)

But it seems odd that after having a very good income, you appear to be 'poor' in old age and not benefiting from a good pension, either a private one or one from your employers.

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2022 12:45

Many people getting married don’t curtail their holidays, lifestyle choices before they get married. They just accept contributions from their families to make up the shortfall. Seems mean to expect the parents to go without holidays etc so they can contribute more to the wedding.

JinglingHellsBells · 31/05/2022 12:47

Have you not saved for your retirement?

If you literally cannot find any money for the wedding, fair enough, but the fact you came here asking if it was right, suggests you DO have money but are choosing not to spend it on weddings.

And of course it depends on what kind of hols you want.
You can have a very nice s/c holiday in the UK for under £1K, in a pretty nice cottage, or maybe you want trip to the Maldives or world cruises.

Your choice!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 31/05/2022 12:48

I agree with most people. You are not obliged to contribute anything but it woudl be nice to pay for one aspect. My parents paid for my dress and the car and my in laws paid for the free bar!

Original poster
WhereDidTheYearsGo · 31/05/2022 12:49

JinglingHellsBells · 31/05/2022 12:44

I think this is meaningless @WhereDidTheYearsGo without knowing the actual figures and of course I'd not expect you to explain.

But for example, your former good income, allowing several DCs to go to indy schools, might have been £200K pa - not unrealistic with 2 adults earning a 6-figure income and with several DCs all at school, you'd need quite a bit.

Now, perhaps, you are 'only' on £50K a year or whatever.

It's all relative. :)

But it seems odd that after having a very good income, you appear to be 'poor' in old age and not benefiting from a good pension, either a private one or one from your employers.

I'm not going to go into figures but we only had one person earning and never had the levels of money you're talking about.

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 31/05/2022 12:50

Did your DD excel at her indy school and you felt it was worth it, or may she have done just as well in a state school?

So you feel your made sacrifices then, and bugger it, you're not going to do any more?

That's what you are saying.

Have you told her that you feel this way?

JinglingHellsBells · 31/05/2022 12:52

I'm not going to go into figures but we only had one person earning and never had the levels of money you're talking about.

You must have found very cheap indy schools, is all I can say! I am very familiar with indy education, having taught there, and I know the type of incomes most families needed to fund even modest schools.

rookiemere · 31/05/2022 12:52

@JinglingHellsBells OP hasn't said she is poor. She is just saying their income is less than it was.

She did not budget on spending money on her DCs weddings so that lump sum does not exist. If I had the choice between seeing a country I really wanted to before I was too infirm to travel or going to rainy Wales in a modest cottage off season ( not that there's anything wrong with that) in order to fund my DDs wedding then I'm going for the former. Or if it were possible to do the holiday but stay somewhere slightly cheaper and give my DC a contribution to the wedding, Id probably do that.

JinglingHellsBells · 31/05/2022 12:53

So you were a SAHM for all your life, not earning, and now want holidays over contributing to your DDs wedding?

Hmmmm............is all I can say.