To think my husband is gravely ill at the wrong time? Thread 2

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

Continuing from 1st thread.

@olympicsrock

Many thanks for asking!

I'm going through the motions. I've actually had a few good day's recently but that's possibly because H has been at the static caravan - walking. It's at the far side of Northumberland, quite remote really - stunningly beautiful place. We used to love walking - went on some quite extreme distances in our youth.

I've been messing with HRT lately and it's probably contributed to my low mood. I'm overly sensitive to the slightest changes.

I actually went to the family party. Can't say I enjoyed it - H drove there and I was tortured by his moronic driving by the time we got there. I was allowed to drive home though when he was 'sloshed'. It wasn't any more pleasant because he was tutting and 'big sighing' at my 'tedious' driving. He was shouting at me to overtake everything we came up behind but is wasn't safety possible. I was shaking when we pulled up on the drive.

I felt forced to interact with people at the party and I was squirming inside - just wanted to go home and hide. I didn't like H's company at all.

This last weekend we went to see Santa - my older daughter and her three children. These 'outings' had been planned very well in advance and I would have felt worse if I'd have cancelled them.

The Santa trip was fabulous overall. Santa was so kindhearted and took time to really talk to the children and he filled them with awe and magic. It was all I could do to stop myself crying when we were with him. We got some amazing pictures. The queuing up was another story - I felt really claustrophobic. A two hour queue is not conducive to keeping children with certain needs happy. Plus - bonus, H is away at the moment and when we got back he wasn't there! Usually when we've had fun, his shite new personality (the fun sponge) drains every little last drop of joy from you. My daughter remarked on Sunday evening, as the children were decorating our Christmas tree, isn't the house atmosphere just perfect when dad's not in. And I couldn't agree more. We were laughing, dancing to Christmas songs, throwing packing materials about, and the children were squealing with delight.

Unfortunately, the bad news is that he is currently on his way home and the oppression will recommence at approximately 1pm. So I have about another 25 mins of peace.

I'm tired of trying to reason with him about his behaviour and its effects on everyone. He says he understands but then doesn't appear to anything positive about it.

I've been on Facebook pages which offer support for those who have been in ICU. Many describe changes in behaviour and personality from their own perspective. Whilst I completely understand and sympathise, I'm wondering how long I can put up with it for.

We were married in church and took our vows seriously - in sickness and in health and all that. I've known him 37 years and only this last 8 months have I disliked him. I feel 'bound' to put up with it - but I don't bloody know ....

Apologies if this has been mentioned already, but after I was in ICU, I was contacted by a member of staff who runs a series groups for those who have been patients in ICU and their spouses. DH and I found it a really valuable resource, as we were able to meet with others who had been through similar, discuss the after effects of an ICU stay (which as I'm sure you are now aware, are quite specific!), have an individual counselling session (which was particularly helpful for DH, as he only really opens up to me, and he found it hard to talk about me nearly dying directly with me) and there was an opportunity for each former patient to go through their ICU notes with an ICU Consultant. The notes review was incredibly positive for me, as I felt somewhat to blame for ending up so ill, but the consultant was able to reassure me that I didn't give myself SEPSIS!

I have no idea if your Trust runs anything similar (again, apologies if this has been mentioned before), but it might be worth a shot?

I'm sorry your DH is so changed by his experience, I can feel in your words how much you miss him, despite him driving you up the wall.

Dear OP,
you are sounding a little bit more like your old self and I’m so glad to hear that at least you are experiencing joy even if you are a bit up and down.

The party sounded pretty awful… maybe allow yourself to say no next time.

hurray for DH being away. Could you Christmas presents to him include walking gear to encourage this new hobby. Glad you had some headspace.

I’m sure I’m not the only person here who things of you often. I do every time I pass the baby knitting at the league of friends stall in the hospital …

Having a tricky time myself the last few weeks getting 3 patients through their aortic surgery only for them to die some time afterwards on ITU. Two were ruptured and unstable when they got to me so I saw even to have been able to give them a fighting chance as a success. This business of aortic surgery puts all of us through the mill emotionally ….

@OliveWah

Yes - I do miss him.

While he's away I spend my time hoping he's well/safe and I can't wait to see him again. (Very little phone signal unless you walk up a hill/drive a few miles.)

He doesn't drive me up the wall, he slams me into the wall. I have been battered by his nasty words. And I feel beaten when he verbally attacks our children and grandchildren. It literally causes me physical pain. Many times I've felt like my throat is closing - bordering on panic attacks.

He wouldn't seek help. A few months after surgery someone rang him to see if he wanted to attend a support group but he refused.

I think I have possibly grieved twice now for him. When he was first admitted to resus and the ambulance crew that came to transfer him for immediate surgery refused to take him - I went home planning his funeral. And since realising that he has lost his old personality, I feel like we've lost our future happiness - I just have such a huge sense of loss.

We both know we're at a crossroads.

I don't want anyone to think that I could abandon someone who needs support/looking after. I've said it before - it's not his fault he was so poorly.

I've thought about getting my head down and distancing myself from him and just getting on regardless but I've had so many months now when I've felt really lonely despite having all my family around me.

And then again - I've been experimenting with HRT since the summer so that could have made me less tolerant I suppose.

I'm beginning to look forward to Christmas so we'll just have to see what the new year brings.

@OlympicsRock2

Oh gosh - no one is responsible for the condition of critical patients presenting at hospitals. But I understand that it can be difficult to put the hardest cases into perspective. I can't even begin to comprehend that someone can literally hold a heart in their hands and carry out the most gruelling repairs - taking up most of a 12 hr shift. What you do is amazing.

My father collapsed and was taken to hospital - the consultant said to my brother and me that the best course of action was to make him comfortable and allow him to die. He explained to my father that he would be unlikely to get through the surgery he needed. But my father asked him if could try because he didn't want to die before my mother and leave her behind. The surgery was successful but it lead to a year in and out of hospital. Further surgeries and eventually hospital acquired pneumonia and then death. The consultant was of course correct but my father wanted to fight for his life. That year was really hard on everyone - I was visiting him everyday whether in hospital or at home. He was very frail and unable to look after my mum who has dementia. It was very sad.

You save lives, you make the biggest difference. Our society undervalues the people who have the talent to have such a marvellous vocation. Our society would rather sue the NHS than revere its talent.

I would love to able to make the difference you can to people's lives. I hope you can put this stress behind you and not dwell on it.

I have bought H some zamberlan walking boots for Christmas to encourage his excursions. Also a couple of cook books as he's becoming more experimental in the kitchen department now that he has more time on his hands.

I've bought myself a pair of slippers from him for me to wrap up - as usual.

He came home at 4pm - don't know where he's been in between time as he said he'd set off for home at 10.30 am.

He actually tolerated the grandchildren who where here when he got in. He would have sworn at them, called the youngest imbecilic and stormed out again - as he has done on many occasions lately. (Younger grandchild was screaming as per usual.)

When they had gone home I told H that he'd interacted well with the children and actually ignored the screaming. I said that I was proud of him and that I appreciated his patience and kindness. I kissed him and said thank you.

He said that he was on the brink of having to walk out but he was trying his hardest not to overreact. He said that he'd been thinking about what we'd talked about and he was going to try harder to control his behaviour/temper. He made a good start. I've had a lovely evening - I've knitted a whole front of a jumper without any mistakes. His behaviour can kill the atmosphere in an instant. But this evening was good.

Let's see if he can walk the tightrope.

I've thought about getting my head down and distancing myself from him and just getting on regardless
Someone once advised me to imagine myself in a protective bubble .Things I initiated could pass through the bubble but attacks and upsetting actions bounced off . Sounds a bit woo but does help a bit .

I really think some counselling might help you myothercar ,not because you need it to "correct"any of your thinking ,but to help you come up with strategies to allow you to cope with this dreadful situation .

That is encouraging to hear that he is actively trying to work on his behaviour !
good work with the knitting . Haven’t tried it he sewing machine yet. Having a busy time at work and feel the need to hunker down under a blanket . It is ruddy freezing!

My mum is in a queue of over 20 ambulances outside her local hospital. These ambulances are from two other districts as well.

She was taken there first thing this morning as her first carers visit of the day rang for the ambulance.

She's bedridden and very frail (skeletal). They suspect chest infection, urine infection and dehydration. She also hasn't been eating lately due to her advanced dementia.

She's in the ambulance on a nebuliser - she was responding this morning. She's now unconscious (not responding).

She's 91 years old.

Whilst I'm sorry (and quite angry) for the state of the NHS and I sympathise with anyone feeling forced to strike (my father was on strike for a year in 1984), I'm so worried for mum - stuck in the back of an ambulance.

At least my brother is with her - I've been told (understandably) to stay away.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum, Porsche. They are a worry when they get older, especially when they have dementia and can't reason what the best thing to do is. My mum has just refused to eat her tea I've just made her. Grr. She'd wolf down chocolate cake, though!

My mil also has dementia and went into hospital after a fall. She then got discharged into an NHS run convalescent home. The matron was telling my sil that she and the nurses are finding it difficult because they've been taken out of the hospital to look after these convalescing patients but they don't know how to care for them. Their job in hospital is handling medications rather than caring for people! 😲 Its difficult to figure out whats going on, really.

I hope your mum was rushed to the front of the queue and she's doing better now. But what a worry for you. I'm thinking 2022 will be a year you'll be glad to put behind you!

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum's situation. I believe that the doctors and nurses are doing their best but the system is very very broken and she is a victim of this. I hope they find her a bed and she can rest with the care and dignity she deserves.

My thoughts are with you.

Mum got into the hospital just after 10pm - more than 12 hrs after arriving.

She's now in a corridor - she has oxygen as her oxygen level was 88%.

I'm almost glad that she has no awareness of what's happening.

This event wasn't as bad as when she broke her knee cap to pieces a couple of years ago. The ambulance arrived and the paramedics stood her up from her bed, decided she could weight bear, and off they went despite her knee cap looking like a large blue football. A week later her carers called out a GP who realised her knee was broken and called an ambulance. I was there when he told the ambulance operator that it was required within the hour. 17 hrs later the ambulance call centre rang and asked if we still needed an ambulance. We had sat, from 4pm, all through the night expecting one to turn up any minute so we stayed with her. We were told her knee was 'smashed to smithereens'.

She's been bedridden since then.

That's really shocking!

Mum has had intravenous fluids and antibiotics. She has not responded so far.

They are withdrawing the fluids and antibiotic's tomorrow as they have said her body is shutting down.

It's only a matter of time now.

I'm so sorry to hear that. How awful. Is your brother staying with her? I can't believe what an awful year its been for you. Could you escape to your mums house on the pretext of sorting her things? Or would that be just too painful?

Something similar happened to my dad. He had sepsis. He'd had it for quite a while from an infected pacemaker. The hospital said the pacemaker was working so it wasn't their problem.

Here's wishing you some strength and support in the days ahead.

I'm sorry to hear your mum is so poorly. I hope her passing is peaceful and you get to spend those last few precious hours with her. I'll be thinking of you and virtually holding your hand throughout this difficult time

Also here for you @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche if you need a handhold during such a sad & tough time, sending love & strength x

It’s after lunch here. May I take a shift holding your hand?

It’s hot here for about the fourth day running but tomorrow will be better and Sunday will be positively civilised. So lots of ladies wearing bright, floaty dresses when out and about. The kids have been off school for over a week and not back for another five weeks or so.

I had a baby bird in the tree by the bird bath this morning screaming “feed me, feed me”. I think it’s quite a late nestling. And something in my front yard smells amazing on the breeze. Very sweet.

I made pan forte this morning. Last year was a disaster, totally inedible, but I am very proud of myself this year. A dear friends husband loves it so I keep him supplied every year. I get lovely Italian Christmas biscuits from them. I do love the way things get handed around at this time of year. Everyone has their specialty.

Hand hold and a squeezy hug Porsche xx

Here for you and big squeeze also xx

@olympicsrock
@Stomacharmeleon

🥰😘🥰

Festive Felicitations!

All the very best everyone!

(Your messages made me cry. So grateful for all the support. It means so much.)

Merry Christmas lovely lady 💖
I hope that 2023 gives you a break from heartache and worry xxx

Wishing you comfort and peace this Christmastide, Porsche. I've followed your trials and tribulations quietly, but couldn't let today pass without a comment.

I have had an overlocker for Christmas, so hope to join the PPs in some sewing when we all get our acts together!

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche I've been thinking of you a lot today. 💐
You know we're all here when you need us. <hug>

Hope you are doing ok Porsche . Sending love and strength xxx

Hello @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche are you still with us? I really hope you are managing some self care. Along with all your caring of others.