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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wibu to accuse dp of gaslighting

88 replies

Sleepeatrepeat · 29/05/2022 16:52

Dp and I have been together 3.5 years. He has known dd for most of that time as we were friends beforehand. We don't live together but he is here most weekends.

They have a good relationship although he does not play a parenting role.

The past few months dp and dd have been winding each other uo. Nothing more than mucking about going a bit too far mostly. A lot to do with dd (nearly 9) being a bit stroppy and dp knowing it and just poking the bear a bit. She has started puberty and this past week is the one where the hormones rage. She gets arsed, tearful for no reason amd generally difficult. It is hormones mostly.

This weekend they have driven me to distraction. It is like having 2 teenagers in the house. Bickering and sniping at each other.

I have lost my shit at both of them several times and bollocked the pair of them for their appalling behaviour and for winding each other up.

Dd will look sheepish and apologise but state firmly that dp was winding her up. He will deny any wrong doing or that he has done anything at all even though I have heard/seen it.

I feel this is gaslighting us both and I will not tolerate it.
I have basically told both of them I am sick of the pair of them and separately told him to grown up and stop eith the gaslighting.

He has then sulked like a bloody teenager and sloped off home.

He is about a hairs breadth from being single. I will not tolerate the gaslighting at all and I will back dd to the hilt. He will never come before her and he knows that.

Wibu? I have told them both off for the behaviours as they are both as bad as each other for winding the other up. So it isn't that I have let dd get away with it.

OP posts:

CheshireCats · 29/05/2022 17:00

The difference between them is DD is 8 and your partner is an actual adult (supposedly.) If he can't behave like one, then you must consider whether you want to parent a man child too.
I would absolutely lay it on the line for him very clearly- shape up or shape out.

Scarlettpixie · 29/05/2022 17:02

I don’t think this is gaslighting.

He is being a dick though.

StrawberrySquash · 29/05/2022 17:02

He should be the adult and stop winding her up. However, unless he's on some sort of deliberate campaign to undermine your sense of reality it's not gaslighting, it's just someone disagreeing with you when you tell them not to be a dick.

IncompleteSenten · 29/05/2022 17:04

She's a child. What's his excuse?

Philisophigal · 29/05/2022 17:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Testina · 29/05/2022 17:08

She’s 8 years old and full of hormones she can’t properly understand.
I’m not even sure that telling her off as well as him is appropriate!

He’d be single already for me. What kind of arsehole deliberately “pokes the beast”? Dickhead.

ChaosMoon · 29/05/2022 17:11

He isn't gaslighting but he is a bully.

Merryoldgoat · 29/05/2022 17:12

He will deny any wrong doing or that he has done anything at all even though I have heard/seen it.

This is absolutely gaslighting - you KNOW something to be true and he’s denying reality making you out to be unreasonable.

What kind of person deliberately winds up a child? An arsehole. That’s who.

Merryoldgoat · 29/05/2022 17:12

ChaosMoon · 29/05/2022 17:11

He isn't gaslighting but he is a bully.

He also definitely a bully.

EmoIsntDead · 29/05/2022 17:13

Jesus, stop letting your boyfriend bully your daughter. Puberty is hard enough without your mum bringing an arsehole into your home who goes out of his way to deliberately wind you up.

Whetheryouthinkyoucan · 29/05/2022 17:13

I think you’re massively misusing the word ‘gaslighting’. In an almost offensive extent actually.

I also think he’s being a dick.

user1471442488 · 29/05/2022 17:15

Telling them both off is a nonsense. You’re letting a grown man wind her up and upset her in her own home. Take your daughters side ffs.

OutDamnedSpot · 29/05/2022 17:16

What do you mean ‘winding each other up’ and ‘bickering’? That sounds like how you might describe siblings, or friends with similar status. In this scenario, it sounds like DD is being rude (speaking back to an adult) and DP is being immature and unhelpful (who deliberately winds up an 8 year old?!) If my DP behaved like this towards my children, he’d get one warning then not see them again if he repeated it.

Merryoldgoat · 29/05/2022 17:23

In this scenario, it sounds like DD is being rude (speaking back to an adult)

Why is speaking back automatically rude?

if we know anything from MN is that plenty of adults are astonishingly rude. If rude to a child they’re not allowed to retaliate?

gogogadgetgo · 29/05/2022 17:24

He is bullying an 8 year old going through puberty. A confusing scary time for every child. And he's being a dickhead

I would not tolerate that. At all.

Reminds me of my man child ex. He was jealous of my kids. Jealous of my attention and love for them. He is an ex.

Testina · 29/05/2022 17:43

I think you need to look at your grand words about always backing your daughter to the hilt.

Then remember what you posted - that she gets tearful for no reason. Though actually as you say, it’s actually a clear reason: hormones. Confusing for her, and not in her control.

Then read this again, “I have basically told both of them I am sick of the pair of them”.

Is that backing her to the hilt?

toastedbagiel · 29/05/2022 17:46

It's not gaslighting, no. But you have simply chosen the wrong word. He is being a cunt. Get him out of there and stop shouting at your child for following an adults lead.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 29/05/2022 17:48

He's not gaslighting anyone, but he is picking on your daughter which is seriously horrible behaviour from a grown man.

bellac11 · 29/05/2022 17:52

Its not gaslighting, another overused mumsnet word

But you dont get the best out of children by reacting and acting like a child to a child. You have to be the adult and if your OH doesnt understand that, then he needs some parenting guidance/classes. There are some good online resources so he needs to commit to learning because otherwise you could end up with an out of control teen on your hands because she is living with a peer, not an adult male.

JustCleaningtheBBQ · 29/05/2022 17:53

I had this happen to me as a child, but by my uncle. He knew exactly how to wind me up and as soon as I started to push back and defend myself, he would turn it on me. I was always the one that got the blame. He would deny he started it, so I would get told off as he was the adult, so couldn't have been lying.

It used to really upset me, both the fact that my parents didn't have my back as much as his bullying of me. Luckily, I didn't see him too often and as I got older I learnt how to ignore it better. When I was 18, and he realised he wasn't getting a rise out of me anymore, he switched to attacking my boyfriend and also telling my family I had a reputation for "sleeping about". All lies, but designed to make me look bad in front of them. I finally told him to fuck off and I have never seen him again. I hated him.

I've gone off point, but what he's doing to your DD is indicates a fundamentally unpleasant person. You've asked him to stop - he hasn't. So he also has no respect for you as well as your DD. It sounds like it's fun to him (just like it was for my uncle). Are there any other alarm bells OP, as a decent person would stop as soon as he realised he was upsetting your daughter, without you having to intervene?

Original poster

Sleepeatrepeat · 29/05/2022 18:06

Actually it absolutely is gaslighting. I know he has behaved badly, wound her up etc and have called him out on it. He had then denied it completely.

The very definition of gaslighting is doing something abusive and then denying it ever happened.

I have told her off for the way she has spoken to him and her attitude

Separately I have bollocked him for being a complete knob. I have pointed out that I will not tolerate his behaviour or the gaslighting.

I have defended by daughter against his "bullying" which is what he doesn't like.

To the poster who likened it to siblings...that is exactly what it has been like all bloody weekend.

OP posts:

toastedbagiel · 29/05/2022 18:11

Sleepeatrepeat · 29/05/2022 18:06

Actually it absolutely is gaslighting. I know he has behaved badly, wound her up etc and have called him out on it. He had then denied it completely.

The very definition of gaslighting is doing something abusive and then denying it ever happened.

I have told her off for the way she has spoken to him and her attitude

Separately I have bollocked him for being a complete knob. I have pointed out that I will not tolerate his behaviour or the gaslighting.

I have defended by daughter against his "bullying" which is what he doesn't like.

To the poster who likened it to siblings...that is exactly what it has been like all bloody weekend.

Your issue should be the behaviour, not the term for it.

Testina · 29/05/2022 18:12

“I have pointed out that I will not tolerate his behaviour or the gaslighting.“

But you have.

I know that’s harsh, and it’s not as if you haven’t said yourself you’re ready to end it!

But you do need to be honest with yourself. This has been going on for months, and you’ve brought it up and he has denied it. So you are tolerating it. If you’re not ready to dump him, at least stick to dating away from your child.

Testina · 29/05/2022 18:14

“I have defended by daughter against his "bullying" which is what he doesn't like.”

I have defended by daughter against his bullying which is what he doesn't like.

Fixed that for you.

Don’t minimise it, or allow him to.

bellac11 · 29/05/2022 18:17

Gaslighting in most cases is a ridiculous term for behaviour that for the most part is committed by people who often have zero emotional insight into their own social presentation. So they very often feel and genuinely believe they havent done what others have seen them do

There is also a different situation whereby a person may feel victimised by someone because of their interpretation of whats going on.

Nothing is ever as straight forward as a black and white 'facts'

Notwithstanding, this person needs to urgently gain some emotional and parenting insight otherwise the poor child will not have her emotional and behavioural needs met. she needs consistency and predictability.

OP you will prevent the ability to move forward if you keep on about a terminology over what he is actually doing or not doing. Plus using terms yourself like 'I bollocked him' is not particularly mature or mindful. Neither is name calling.

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