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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu to accuse dp of gaslighting

88 replies

Sleepeatrepeat · 29/05/2022 16:52

Dp and I have been together 3.5 years. He has known dd for most of that time as we were friends beforehand. We don't live together but he is here most weekends.

They have a good relationship although he does not play a parenting role.

The past few months dp and dd have been winding each other uo. Nothing more than mucking about going a bit too far mostly. A lot to do with dd (nearly 9) being a bit stroppy and dp knowing it and just poking the bear a bit. She has started puberty and this past week is the one where the hormones rage. She gets arsed, tearful for no reason amd generally difficult. It is hormones mostly.

This weekend they have driven me to distraction. It is like having 2 teenagers in the house. Bickering and sniping at each other.

I have lost my shit at both of them several times and bollocked the pair of them for their appalling behaviour and for winding each other up.

Dd will look sheepish and apologise but state firmly that dp was winding her up. He will deny any wrong doing or that he has done anything at all even though I have heard/seen it.

I feel this is gaslighting us both and I will not tolerate it.
I have basically told both of them I am sick of the pair of them and separately told him to grown up and stop eith the gaslighting.

He has then sulked like a bloody teenager and sloped off home.

He is about a hairs breadth from being single. I will not tolerate the gaslighting at all and I will back dd to the hilt. He will never come before her and he knows that.

Wibu? I have told them both off for the behaviours as they are both as bad as each other for winding the other up. So it isn't that I have let dd get away with it.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 29/05/2022 18:18

OP,

He sounds awful and your 9 year old is being teased and upset in her home.

Do you really find a man who gets his kicks from teasing your child attractive?

I would get the ick.

He's bullying your child.

Poking the beast?

He's deliberately upsetting your child.

I wouldn't tolerate it from a child.

I think you should take some space and have a good hard think about the waster who bullys your daughter, lies about it, and then sulks about being challenged.

Do you really want this to be what your child remembers about this time in her life?.....being bullied by mum's boyfriend?

Don't allow him to undo all your work.

Original poster
Sleepeatrepeat · 29/05/2022 18:36

He is not a wasteland without excusing his behaviour he is not intentionally bullying her

He plays no parental role and in his mid 50's has never been around kids til we became friends.

He is clueless.

His attempts to bond turn into effectively sibling style mucking about. Dd is an only child so she is not used to that sort of behaviour.

He has been told to sort ot out because I will not tolerate it further.

Dd sees it as them just messing about and being mates.

I was a step parent for years and had the parental role foisted upon my by my ex and his ex wife. It was hell and although me and my dsc have a fantastic relationship even after separating from their dad it was bloody hard going at the beginning. I have probably gone too far the other way in not allowing a parental position for dp and instead encouraging them to bond on a friends style level.

It's a bloody minefield.

The winding up has never escalated to this point before. It has always just been petty stuff like pinching each others sweets if we are watching a movie etc

This weekend has been on a whole other level.

Although I admit having lost my best mate to cancer last week my tolerance has also been at an all time low

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepeatrepeat · 29/05/2022 18:37

Apologies autocorrect on my phone is making me look thick

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 29/05/2022 19:02

Sleepeatrepeat · 29/05/2022 16:52

Dp and I have been together 3.5 years. He has known dd for most of that time as we were friends beforehand. We don't live together but he is here most weekends.

They have a good relationship although he does not play a parenting role.

The past few months dp and dd have been winding each other uo. Nothing more than mucking about going a bit too far mostly. A lot to do with dd (nearly 9) being a bit stroppy and dp knowing it and just poking the bear a bit. She has started puberty and this past week is the one where the hormones rage. She gets arsed, tearful for no reason amd generally difficult. It is hormones mostly.

This weekend they have driven me to distraction. It is like having 2 teenagers in the house. Bickering and sniping at each other.

I have lost my shit at both of them several times and bollocked the pair of them for their appalling behaviour and for winding each other up.

Dd will look sheepish and apologise but state firmly that dp was winding her up. He will deny any wrong doing or that he has done anything at all even though I have heard/seen it.

I feel this is gaslighting us both and I will not tolerate it.
I have basically told both of them I am sick of the pair of them and separately told him to grown up and stop eith the gaslighting.

He has then sulked like a bloody teenager and sloped off home.

He is about a hairs breadth from being single. I will not tolerate the gaslighting at all and I will back dd to the hilt. He will never come before her and he knows that.

Wibu? I have told them both off for the behaviours as they are both as bad as each other for winding the other up. So it isn't that I have let dd get away with it.

He's bullying her and she's helpless.

Horrible man

billy1966 · 29/05/2022 19:10

Then his behaviour is even worse.

Knowing how absolutely devastated you must be, losing a close friend, and he continues to wind your daughter up causing you to be even further upset.

He sounds like an awful gobshite.

You both deserve better.

bloodyunicorns · 29/05/2022 19:52

Your dp is in his mid-50s yet thinks this sort of behaviour is ok?! He's a knob.

I'm so sorry for your loss. He should have been treating you with kid gloves this weekend, showering you with care and affection, not making your life harder. That's not what a partner should do.

I'd think hard about what he brings to your life. Is it enough to put up with all his shit?

You sound like a strong woman who doesn't suffer fools.

HDready · 29/05/2022 19:54

She’s a child being picked on in her own home by a man in his mid 50s. It’s irrelevant that he hasn’t spent time around children, his behaviour is poor. I am sorry to read about your friend, that must be incredibly difficult.

SheWoreYellow · 29/05/2022 20:01

I agree with others questioning the ‘they are both as bad as each other’ - your poor daughter is eight. How is your partner not able to react sensibly to an eight year old without getting wound up? One that isn’t his child so it doesn’t matter to him if she gets in bad habits or whatever.

I think the puberty is kind of a red herring - especially as I doubt you can date it happening from a particular day. There’s underlying hormonal changes that will be invisible.

pictish · 29/05/2022 20:03

It’s not that he struggles to understand. He’s not hopeless. He sees her as a rival for your attention and affection and he resents her. Why else would be behaving like her sibling? He’s an adult in his 50s, she is 8 ffs. It’s not a level playing field. He’s competing with her and wants you to take his side, which you do by bollocking both of them as though it were.

Tryhard40 · 29/05/2022 20:11

They are not "as bad as each other ". She is 8 - he is a grown man.

It sounds like he enjoys getting a rise out of her - I would find that a bit disturbing, that it seems to escalate into this every time he's around her. He is an adult and old enough to know better and manage his reaction to your dd's behaviour appropriately. It doesn't sound like your dd's "cheekiness" is coming out of left field but like he is deliberately baiting her. Why does he do this? Maybe he is subconsciously setting a trap so that she gets into trouble? Maybe he is just extremely immature? Neither are desirable attiributes,

I would be thinking things over very carefully OP - your dd is at a vulnerable age and may well remember situati9ns such as this and see it as you allowing a man bully and confuse/upset her in her own home.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 29/05/2022 20:21

She's 8 and on her period and he's winding her up? He needs to grow up or get out.

Namechangehereandnow · 29/05/2022 20:25

Fucking hell … you’re allowing a 50+ year old man to bully your 8 year old daughter??? What is wrong with you???

coffeecupsandfairylights · 29/05/2022 20:27

The more you post, the worse he sounds.

He is in a position of power over her and is using that to his advantage. She is not "as bad as he is" - she's eight years old and he's a grown man, ffs.

toastedbagiel · 29/05/2022 20:28

He is not a wasteland without excusing his behaviour he is not intentionally bullying her

Why are you defending him Hmm

BraveryBot9to5 · 29/05/2022 20:29

you think you need this ''dp''

You don't. You will have a happier calmer homelife and a better relationship with your daughter if you end it with him.

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 29/05/2022 20:58

I will back dd to the hilt

I don't think you're sending that message to her when you tell both of them off, even though he's at fault.

Paq · 29/05/2022 21:52

YANBU. I'd back off your boyf and just have out of the house dates.

This kind of behaviour would drive me insane as well.

Original poster
Sleepeatrepeat · 29/05/2022 22:24

Dd is absolutely fine. There is no abuse.

We have had a good long chat tonight about her behaviour in general as it has been atrocious recently both at home and at school. This has nothing whatsoever to do with dp and everything to do with contact having increased with her dad and getting away with talking to him with sarcasm and criticism. Not learnt from me but via a significantly older brother & sister. Her dad allows it and doesn't make any effort to curtail her attitude and lip.

She may be 8, but she is also perfectly capable of manipulating situations. She does it with a degree of success between her dad and I to get what she wants. That is by no means blaming her it is simply pointing out that she is not angelic

She has goaded dp to get him into trouble too this weekend. I have watched this play out too.

He is not innocent and has been told on more than 1 occasion this weekend that he is the adult and he needs to act like one and not a petulant bloody child.

He is not a nasty man and he is not a bully. In his eyes he is meeting her at her level and playing the game she is playing ie tickle fights, poking each other to annoy each other.

He has never had a parenting role for her so she very much sees him in the same way she sees her 19 year old brother. And she treats him exactly the same way. So as I said above the poster whonsaid they are acting like siblings is spot on. And in that I have to accept blame. In my hurry to not put him in the position I was put in with my dsc I have created a role for him that is far more sibling than parent. Amd both have responded to that role.

However, having scolded him like the child he has behaved like this weekend I am fairly certain our relationship is over. He is currently not speaking to me.

I have no issues with that tonight. I don't need him now and I never have or will.

My house is my own, I pay the mortgage, all the bills, all dds expenses myself. I get no benefits beyond my child benefit. He has never paid for anything related to dd beyond the odd treat when we have been out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepeatrepeat · 29/05/2022 22:25

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 29/05/2022 20:58

I will back dd to the hilt

I don't think you're sending that message to her when you tell both of them off, even though he's at fault.

They were both at fault.

She instigates a lot of the horseplay.

Shebwas told off for the way she spoke to him and to me. It was an unacceptable way for a child to speak to an adult.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 29/05/2022 22:29

Lordy, the way you talk like you think its appropriate for any adult, let alone a 50 year old male one, is right to have a peer relationship with an 8 year old tells me that you have some issues.

A person doesnt need to have a 'parenting' role to be an authority figure to a child or a sensible safe adult.

Hopefully thats the end of him but you need to look at how you view your daughter, she is an 8 year old child, you're talking about her like she has more agency than she does, its dangerous.

toastedbagiel · 29/05/2022 22:30

They were both at fault.

She. Is. A. Child.

wellhelloitsme · 29/05/2022 22:31

She has goaded dp to get him into trouble too this weekend. I have watched this play out too.

No you've watched a grown man respond to a child misbehaving by acting like a child himself and continuing to engage with the dynamic rather than being an adult and just stopping or leaving.

Please do not teach her that she is responsible for essentially regulating the behaviour of adult men. It's an unnerving precedent to set.

He is not a nasty man and he is not a bully. In his eyes he is meeting her at her level and playing the game she is playing ie tickle fights, poking each other to annoy each other.

Any man with any sense wouldn't be engaging in tickle fights and poking wars someone else's eight year old who is having a tough time regulating her mood due to the hormones her body is being flooded with due to puberty starting.

It's a frustrating and confusing time for any girl and that should be respected not exacerbated or dismissed as equally bad behaviour as a grown man not being able to regulate himself.

He's in his 50s, he needs to grow up and respect that when a parent says stop in relation to literally anything to do with their child... he must immediately stop.

You're well shot of him tbh and so is your DD.

wellhelloitsme · 29/05/2022 22:32

They were both at fault.

She instigates a lot of the horseplay.

And as an adult he chooses whether or not to engage and in what way.

You're teaching her that even at eight years old, she is responsible for regulating an adult male's behaviour.

That if an adult male acts badly, it's partly her fault.

These are incredibly dangerous life lessons to be teaching her.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 29/05/2022 22:38

They were both at fault.

Nope. He's the one at fault, not your 8yo.

She instigates a lot of the horseplay

That's totally irrelevant - she's eight. He's a grown man and should be able to control himself around a child, not respond in kind and wind her up 🙄

She has goaded dp to get him into trouble too this weekend. I have watched this play out

Again, she is eight years old. Your behaviour and attitude towards this situation is appalling and I feel increasingly sorry for your daughter each time you post.

You and your so-called partner should both be utterly ashamed of yourselves.

SaggyBlinders · 29/05/2022 22:38

My mum used to say "I don't care who started it, I care who reacted to it" when I used to fight with my much older siblings. As in, I was the youngest and they should know better.

Your DP is in his 50s. He should know to walk away and not react. Why is he tickling and play fighting with your 8 year old daughter anyway? Bit weird.

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