To want to move back to the UK from the US?

[Star555]

For background, I am a 30-something year old British expat who has been in the US for a long time. My parents also live in the US, though on the other side of the country. I am currently doing a postgraduate STEM degree (at a very liberal east coast university) that I expect to finish in 3-4 years.

I don't think I've ever felt such a strong longing to return to the UK as I have been feeling over the last year or so, and especially now after the horrific Texas school shooting. Despite the pandemic, Brexit, the war in Ukraine, the cost of living crisis, Partygate, etc. I just feel like moving back home to the UK would be better and safer than staying in the US where mass shootings have become the norm, and the sex-based rights of women are being systematically erased in the name of "trans rights". (At least there is more pushback in the UK from JKR and other feminists and politicians!) I cannot imagine raising kids in the future in such an environment as the US.

I'm stuck finishing my degree for the next few years so it wouldn't be an immediate move, but I've started thinking about it seriously. My parents are permanently settled in the US and don't want to return to the UK, so it would be just me who moves. As an only child, I would feel guilty being so far from my parents as they get older, and any UK salary I earn would be significantly lower than the corresponding US salary, so I wouldn't have any financial cushion, especially if I move to London.

Has anyone been in a similar position? Honestly both the US and UK are a big mess right now, but would you move back to the UK from the US if you were in my shoes? Thanks!

but if you love nature and the outdoors, the US has so many opportunities for that

I lived in Pennsylvania for a bit over 2 years when DH was seconded by his company. And one of the many reasons I was so glad to get back to the U.K. was because I like walking and nature. Most of the time in PA it was too hot or too cold, no network of public footpaths, couldn't even walk on the grass verge beside the road without getting hooted at by blokes(I was younger then!). More hazardous wildlife too...
Sure, we had a couple of great outdoorsy holidays but we could have done those from the U.K., and could only do them because DH retained his U.K. vacation rights and my company let me take unpaid time over the US allowance.

YANBU. I'm a longtime US expat in the UK. I used to long for a chance to return home. But there's no way I'd raise the kids there now.

I don't want them to experience lockdown drills in school at age 5. The Texas shooting and American reaction to it is not new at all. Same thing happened with San Antonio, Parkland, Pulse Nightclub Orlando, Newton, Virginia State and even Colombine.

I don't want to have to sell my car or my house if health insurance won't cover the cost of two nights in hospital treating an infant with asthma.

I don't want to work even more unpaid overtime than I do already. I don't want to settle for just 2 weeks of annual leave. Or maybe 3 if I put in 10 years at one company.

I don't want my girls to be trapped into pregnancy. I don't want myself to be trapped into pregnancy.

I don't want to cash out my pension fund early to pay for my daughters to go to uni. I don't want a university telling me I ought to re-mortgage my home to pay for their tuition.

I don't even want to add tax onto prices in my head all the time.

The cost of living where I am is high and getting higher. I could get a bigger house and cheaper electric bills if I moved to the States. I could get beach days in the summer and snowmen in the winter. Disappointingly, that's about it.

A couple of follow onloints: several posters up thread discussed the risk of US gun prevalence to individuals. To me it is not about personal risk but the principle that gun rights are more important than protecting the lives of children. I could not live in US for that reason, even if my risk of harm was low.

Another point- retired people are eligible for Medicare, but it’s coverage is limited, so to improve coverage ( and reduce personal costs) they seek out extra medical insurance thru employment. Most Brits have no idea how complicated US medical coverage is, and the number one reason for personal bankruptcy in the US is inability to pay medical bills.

Finally, I agree that there are exceptional wilderness areas in the US (many very crowded!) but there is no right to roam; for example, miles of coastline is inaccessible to general public. I went for a 4 mi walk Sat morning in the South Downs on public footpaths & we saw 3 other people in total in 2 hrs.

Dont get me started on public transport….

Have you even been to the UK recently? It is not "completely fucked up". It is not "provincial". It is not "nasty", and it is not "little".

Even the weather (which according to some on this thread is constantly dismal) was great today. I spent my afternoon in the sun helping the other villagers out planting flowers - if we're so "nasty", why would we be community spirited?

In your position, I’d consider Canada as a sensible middle ground! :-)

It's too cold though!

Even the weather (which according to some on this thread is constantly dismal) was great today.

In the U.K., there's really very few days when the weather is so bad all day that I can't get out for a decent walk. Whereas in Pennsylvania, we had winters with temperatures quite often below zero Fahrenheit , and hot, humid summers. Fall was nice, but spring just didn't seem to happen, it went from too darn cold to to darn hot almost overnight.
Most of the US isn't California!

OP if you don't want to wait the 3 years, can you get credit for units/modules studied in the US in a university in the UK and continue your degree in the UK?

I’ve worked for US companies and spent a lot of time over there. No way would I settle there. As a society the US is extremely troubled. You have the guns and god lot, the erosion of women’s rights, unbelievable inequality, appalling employment laws, and the place just feels like it’s falling apart. The UK is not exactly doing great at the moment but it’s a better place than the US for raiding a family.

Very similar situation to you--wanting to move back to the UK or at least EU (husband is Irish so we have the ability) but feel guilty leaving parents who are now settled in the US. We will most likely make the move back in the next three years, we have very small children and most likely want a 3rd in the next two years and would like to have the baby here as we do love the healthcare that we have and close proximity to family. BUT...We do not feel safe having our children go to school here and will make the move before our oldest needs to start school. It is a shame because there is a lot to love about the US and I know we would miss our friends and family but the anxiety over safety is constantly there for us and unless there are massive changes in the laws here then we just can't justify the worry.

So mass murder of kids with guns and being tolerant towards a vulnerable minority are equivalent issues in your view? Charming . When you mentioned the erosion of sex based rights I thought you were going to talk about roe and wade, but no , oh no, of course it’s trans people 🙄🙄. Please stay in the US, we have far too much of this hatred and nonsense over here already.

You're a grown adult who is free to live wherever you choose. So, go for it!

I've lived in the US for ten years in a small town on the west coast. I have two young children here. I'd move back in a heartbeat but my partner has two other school-age children here. I've told him as soon as they're grown I'd like to move back.

I didn't realise how hard it would be to raise my children in American culture. I've found it difficult to make mom friends and just feel fundamentally 'different.'

I struggle with the gun crime, the far right becoming stronger, attacks on women's rights, high suicide rates, poor healthcare, the live to work mentality... But also in my day to day life I just feel 'outside' as though I value different things. Hard to put a finger on it.

We'd have a smaller house, cheaper car etc. If we lived in England but I'd be willing to make monetary sacrifices personally. I really bloody miss it!

In your place I'd first work a few years in the US to build up savings before going back to the UK.

Or Australia. Strong gun laws and better weather that the UK. Ok the lockdowns were bad, but we are over that now

I moved to the US in 1997. Loved it for a decade and then had kids which changed our attitude. We didn't want them in a school system that had mass shootings or seeing the amount of homelessness on the streets. I wanted them to have the sort of education I had. And I missed pubs!

But within 12 months of moving back I was regretting it. It was so much more conservative and judgemental than I'd remembered. And it felt like everyone's default setting was to be negative about anything they didn't do themselves. The changes to the school system seemed to have made it much more conformist and rigid.

And this was before Brexit. We moved back to the US a few years later.

I don't like the way things are going in the US (and the things that were bad when I wanted to move the first time are,if anything, worse now), but the UK isn't the country I thought it was or want it to be either.

I'm not saying you shouldn't explore the idea. But I would caution you that you probably won't get what you are expecting out of it. It might be for you and it might not. But I wouldn't burn any bridges if you can help it.

If you're doing a STEM postgrad, can you try and get a job in a multinational after that will let you work in the UK for a few years so you can try it out in a supported way? Or even do a couple of years of your postgrad at a twinned UK university?

If you're doing a STEM postgrad, can you try and get a job in a multinational after that will let you work in the UK for a few years so you can try it out in a supported way?

This is precisely the plan I was thinking of.

I won't be able to transfer my work to a UK university. I considered doing a postdoc in the UK afterwards but the meagre salary puts me off.

I think that's a great idea. You have pretty much nothing to lose and you may find it's just what you want.

Scottish expat in USA with three school age kids. Been here 21 years. Married a fellow Scot over here. When the youngest finishes high school, I am looking to return to UK. That's 8 years away - hope we all make it that long.

Life in the USA has been a great adventure, but as I get older I yearn for Scotland.

"sex-based rights of women are being systematically erased in the name of "trans rights"." No, they are being erased by pro-life evangelicals and fundamentalists who are also attacking the LGBTQ+ community.

Just wanted to put that straight.

I taught in American universities for a substantial time and am now in the U.K. As PPs have said, America is so big that culturally it isn’t just one country. I lived in liberal college towns in California and the Midwest. The ongoing cultural aspects of American life that MumsNetters and presumably you find difficult were no part of our lives.

But the gun culture, specifically the highly remote possibility of school shootings, Donald Trump and his cronies, and the end of women’s right to choose (in red states) cast a long, dark national shadow. It is pretty bad here, too, with the NHS in a crisis that no one has the will to fix, BJ ditching laws and Parliamentiary customs he doesn’t like, and Brexit kicking in a layer of complexity and chaos on top of the grim international economic scene.

Happily you have a few years to make up your mind. Trump could be a thing of the past, or the NHS could. IMO the U.K. will be looking significantly better or worse in three years than it does now. Maybe that will help clarify your thoughts. Having returned feels right for us but if we were young I am not sure that it would.

I’m American, but spent 14 years in the UK, married a British man, and had our three children there. We moved to upstate NY last year for my husband’s job.

I think it’s very complicated. We have absolutely landed on our feet here: we live in a fabulous place with incredible schools and so much to do. My children (twins) are in a class of just 21, and when it was identified that they were struggling a bit in some areas, they were immediately provided additional assistance. We’ve made lovely friends, including people from Australia, Ireland, France, Switzerland and England. There’s loads to do and so many opportunities for our children that they didn’t have in England.

However, I can’t pretend that the political situation over here doesn’t torture me pretty much every day. I have found this past week utterly horrific and have felt panicked about sending my children to school. I do think our day-to-day quality of life is better, but the big picture is frightening. I think it’s easy to get caught up in an idealized vision of what the other place looks like, though, so you have to be honest with yourself about what your life will look like if you do choose to move.

I left the UK nine years ago to try and raise my kids in progressive west coast US. The attraction was to have family living nearby, spacious housing, comfortable life, easy access to skiing, etc. All good, right? Nope, I was never happy here. The comfortable US life was nice when the kids were little but now, as they are teens, we can not deal with the different values. Politics, religion in the family, lack of culture, etc, etc. I can't shield my teens from reality of who skewed things are here. My (American!) DH wants to get out, asap!

We are moving back later this year.