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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My achievements are ignored.

97 replies

CrackedHeggs · 29/05/2022 13:21

Group of 5 friends. WhatsApp group, 4 of us were significantly overweight and one slim friend.

Over the last year I have lost a significant amount of weight taking my BMI from 40 plus to healthy.

I don't talk about this on the WhatsApp group in daily conversation it's really not relevant and it's not something that I tend to chat about.

However I am being a bridesmaid for my sister this summer and I ordered a dress in a size 12 which recently arrived. Having formerly been a size 24 I was very excited to try the dress on and see that it fit.

I posted a picture in the group chat and only my slim friend commented said how lovely I looked in it and what an achievement it was for it to fit.
None of my other friends mentioned address at all and just skimmed over into a new conversation topic.

AIBU to feel extremely hurt that they just completely ignored my achievement when I regularly praise them for things they are proud of?

My slim friend DM to me to say that she was sad that nobody else had said anything about the photograph and she felt that it was because it was hard for them to see me losing weight when they want to do so as well, which I do understand. There have been many times over the last 5-years that friends have lost weight or achieved something that I would hope to achieve myself but I never completely ignored their accomplishments because of that.

AIBU to be hurt or do I just need to get over it?

All I wanted was my friends to say well done, just the once.

OP posts:
BadWolf2022 · 29/05/2022 13:25

They're jealous. Just ingore.

Butchyrestingface · 29/05/2022 13:25

Have you seen your friends in person since starting the weight loss regime?

If not, could it be that they were just really shocked/surprised (sounds as if you have lost a lot of weight - well done) by the suddenness of something you hadn't mentioned before?

Pigglesworth · 29/05/2022 13:27

Congratulations on your weight loss, that's an amazing achievement! I think your friend was right that it was difficult for your other friends to acknowledge your accomplishment due to their own unhappiness in themselves. Unfortunately this is often the case for people.

Original poster
CrackedHeggs · 29/05/2022 13:29

Butchyrestingface · 29/05/2022 13:25

Have you seen your friends in person since starting the weight loss regime?

If not, could it be that they were just really shocked/surprised (sounds as if you have lost a lot of weight - well done) by the suddenness of something you hadn't mentioned before?

Yes we see each other weekly. Definitely not a shock to them.

I make sure I don't 'go on about' my weightloss as I know it can become a bore when someone goes on a health kick, especially when you struggle yourself with weight.

But the bridesmaid dress was my main goal for the weightloss so really wanted to share my excitement.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrackedHeggs · 29/05/2022 13:33

Just realised I may come across as a total Belle d characterising my friends into overweight and slim but I just meant that I expected the support to come from my friends who had known my struggle more than the friend who had always been naturally small 😳

OP posts:
FieldOverFence · 29/05/2022 13:33

I lost a good bit of weight last year, and found that people generally commented on it a lot less than the last time I lost significantly about 10 years ago
I think commenting on people's bodies is a lot less acceptable than it previously was, be that good or bad comments.... And that's a good thing, everyone's body is their own business and shouldn't be something people talk about

Original poster
CrackedHeggs · 29/05/2022 13:33

Bellend*

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 29/05/2022 13:33

They are jealous and need to look inward. Losing weight isn't easy but you have to have the mindset and willpower to do it. You should be proud of yourself. I can understand the feelings of hurt but if they are otherwise good friends I would let it go.

SchoolThing · 29/05/2022 13:34

Congratulations on your fantastic achievement.

It’s a shame some of your friends cannot being themselves to celebrate with you. Can only guess it is very painful for them to be reminded that you have achieved something that they have not.

Try if you can to take the high road, they are not in a good place else they’d have said something nice.

Original poster
CrackedHeggs · 29/05/2022 13:36

FieldOverFence · 29/05/2022 13:33

I lost a good bit of weight last year, and found that people generally commented on it a lot less than the last time I lost significantly about 10 years ago
I think commenting on people's bodies is a lot less acceptable than it previously was, be that good or bad comments.... And that's a good thing, everyone's body is their own business and shouldn't be something people talk about

Even when that person specifically sends a photo to a chat saying 'look, my bridesmaid dress actually fits! "

Surley that's an invitation to comment?

These aren't strangers in the street.

And they had no issue commenting on my body when I was large and we had conversations about outfits

OP posts:
Tibtab · 29/05/2022 13:37

For some overweight people, they don’t like to see people lose weight because they’ve told themselves that weight loss is impossible. It’s easier to blame genetics or a poor metabolism than to really focus on what you eat and how much exercise you do.

I think they are jealous, especially if you were previously a fat friend, you’re not a danger. Well done on the weight loss! It’s an amazing achievement and I hope you feel amazing in your dress.

FieldOverFence · 29/05/2022 13:42

It is 100% possible that they are jealous bitches.
I would just leave space for the possibility that someone doesn't want to feed into a black & white dynamic of Thin=Good and Fat=Bad

getoutofheree · 29/05/2022 13:43

Are they jealous? That's not really friendship. Well done!! It's a massive achievement not everyone can do. You did amazing and I think it's absolutely brilliant. So does your friend :)

Unfortunately jealousy can really eat people up and stop them being good friends, which is sad. We are all responsible for our own achievements, jealousy is really weak.

Again, well done.

PrawnToast5 · 29/05/2022 13:45

I would just leave space for the possibility that someone doesn't want to feed into a black & white dynamic of Thin=Good and Fat=Bad

I'm not saying this is the case as you don't specify whether you did mention you weight loss, but if you hadn't really spoken about your weight loss and suddenly you had dropped 6 dress sizes since i last saw you, I would presume you were unwell and wouldn't comment tbh.

Testina · 29/05/2022 13:48

It’s mean. I personally wouldn’t, as Slim Friend, have highlighted the achievement side of it in that particular group of 3 others unhappy with their weight. I’m not trashing her, just saying I wouldn’t. But all of them could say how great you looked without reference to weight - so yes, mean.

justfiveminutes · 29/05/2022 13:50

Congratulations op. That's a huge amount of weight and it must have been fantastic to fit into that dress. Do you have other people in your life to say 'well done'? I think it is 100% jealousy and you should just avoid mentioning your weight to this particular group. It's not fair or kind of them but they are obviously not able to deal with it appropriately right now.

Original poster
CrackedHeggs · 29/05/2022 13:51

PrawnToast5 · 29/05/2022 13:45

I would just leave space for the possibility that someone doesn't want to feed into a black & white dynamic of Thin=Good and Fat=Bad

I'm not saying this is the case as you don't specify whether you did mention you weight loss, but if you hadn't really spoken about your weight loss and suddenly you had dropped 6 dress sizes since i last saw you, I would presume you were unwell and wouldn't comment tbh.

We see each other at least every week and they know from my Instagram that I'm eating well and going to the gym. They 100% know I'm not ill and this is something I've worked very hard for!

OP posts:
Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 29/05/2022 13:52

That’s really odd. Surely the standard reply when someone posts a photo of a bridesmaid dress is wow, you look stunning or something similar.

Enjoy the wedding and well done on the weight loss.

giraffesaregreat · 29/05/2022 13:52

I never comment when people have obviously lost weight. When I lost weight myself, I found it hurtful that people who wouldn't normally speak to me would come over specifically to tell me how much better I looked. It felt like they'd been judging the 'fat' me and that I was somehow better now I was slim.

As someone posted above, it's less acceptable now to comment on people's bodies, which can only be a good thing. I don't think your friends are necessarily jealous - they probably thought you looked fine before and liked you as you were, and still like you now.

Well done for feeling happier with yourself as you are now - it's very hard to lose weight!

SundayTeatime · 29/05/2022 13:53

I think the achievement angle is a bit odd. But they could have said you looked nice.

Helenloveslee4eva · 29/05/2022 13:54

fence sitting. My understanding from friends who suffer overweight and obesity and have struggled is that commenting on how amazing you look now suggests that you didn’t look amazing before IYSWIM.

Herecomestreble1 · 29/05/2022 13:54

It's an amazing achievement and you should be proud, but being completely honest, I would find it incredibly knobby if one of my friends sent me a picture specifically to comment on her body or weight loss. It's huge for you, but for others it's just not that interesting.

The poster earlier who suggested that commenting on people's bodies in recent years is less common is spot on. Maybe it's my age (28) but I would find it really weird to want to invite comments on my weight loss. You do you, let them do them but it's unreasonable to expect people in bigger bodies who may be struggling to want to celebrate your weight loss with you.

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/05/2022 13:54

Massive congratulations

I think you are being unreasonable.. I’d take my queue from the person loosing weight, if they didn’t talk about it, I wouldn’t. I also think that saying ‘oh my gosh you look brilliant!’ Could feed into slim = great, Fat = bad, which especially in this friendship group you wouldn’t want to.

The thing is your three overweight friends may be disinterested in your loss, be inspired by it, jealous of it, feel awful they can’t manage it, feel triggered by it, or just be the sort of people who never comment on appearance or just too caught up in their own lives. Who knows, but weight is a sensitive topic amongst women so assume nothing.

if they are good friends generally let this go.

I think your thin friends DM was very bitchy to your other friends though, so I wouldn’t be deepening my friendship with that one.

HikingforScenery · 29/05/2022 13:55

i’m assuming you lost the weight to be healthy, not for your friends’ comments. If you see them on a weekly basis, then surely you’ve discussed your weight loss before now. It’s your size now so I wouldn’t expect them to go on about it again, if they’ve acknowledged it previously.

BraveryBot9to5 · 29/05/2022 13:56

Wow, well done! I'd congratulate a friend who lost a lot of weight, however,I did once congratulate somebody on her weight loss (she hadn't asked, hadn't posted pictures in a before after style) and she said ''oh yeh, since my Dad died, my crohns has really flared up again'' and she definitely wasn't trying to shame me for being such a dick, she was just sharing that. I felt a bit, ok, lesson learnt there. Don't compliment somebody on their weight loss when they haven't asked???????? Maybe.

But you deserved an ''oh you look good!''