My achievements are ignored.

[CrackedHeggs]

Group of 5 friends. WhatsApp group, 4 of us were significantly overweight and one slim friend.

Over the last year I have lost a significant amount of weight taking my BMI from 40 plus to healthy.

I don't talk about this on the WhatsApp group in daily conversation it's really not relevant and it's not something that I tend to chat about.

However I am being a bridesmaid for my sister this summer and I ordered a dress in a size 12 which recently arrived. Having formerly been a size 24 I was very excited to try the dress on and see that it fit.

I posted a picture in the group chat and only my slim friend commented said how lovely I looked in it and what an achievement it was for it to fit.
None of my other friends mentioned address at all and just skimmed over into a new conversation topic.

AIBU to feel extremely hurt that they just completely ignored my achievement when I regularly praise them for things they are proud of?

My slim friend DM to me to say that she was sad that nobody else had said anything about the photograph and she felt that it was because it was hard for them to see me losing weight when they want to do so as well, which I do understand. There have been many times over the last 5-years that friends have lost weight or achieved something that I would hope to achieve myself but I never completely ignored their accomplishments because of that.

AIBU to be hurt or do I just need to get over it?

All I wanted was my friends to say well done, just the once.

Of course it's an achievement and it's not comparable to getting your hair cut and styled, unless you cut it and styled it yourself...

It absolutely is an achievement if op has worked hard changing her diet and going to the gym etc.
Anyway, friend posts a picture of them self looking lovely surely always equals a "you look beautiful" or similar comment.

Firstly, congratulations on your weight loss - that is a fantastic achievement!

Weight loss is a funny thing - people will encourage to a point - and then often get very upset when you actually accomplish your goal. It is jealousy to a point - and also it highlights that they are not where they want to be.

Significant weight loss can also impact friendship dynamics generally. There is a film on Netflix - or it might be Amazon (can't remember which) called Brittany Runs a Marathon - it's actually based on a true story and is a really good film. Part of it though is a kind of sub-story about the main character and her friend's attitude to her embarking on a new lifestyle and it's scarily accurate and fascinating in equal doses. Much of the story (it's essentially about a larger girl who takes up running and eventually plans to run the NYC marathon) deals with the main character's mindset and how she relates to other people... and coming to terms with the new "her" - it's worth a watch - and it addresses much of this. It's why people should always lose weight for themselves - never anyone else - because people's reactions to it can be strange and while some will be massively supportive, others will not respond as you might expect - or want.

Don't worry about it - enjoy your new lifestyle, enjoy your fabulous dress and recognise that their reaction will be about them - not you.

One of the stupidest comparisons I have ever read on MN.

Agree they could have said something nice about the dress, but on the other hand if they are struggling with their weight maybe they are finding it hard to be positive about your weight loss journey because it stirs up negative feelings about themselves.

Ypu probably wouldn’t post lots of baby photos in a group of mainly infertile women and expect them to be sending lots of compliments and congratulations. It sounds like maybe they found the post insensitive, especially if your comment was ‘hooray it fits’ rather than ‘hooray dress has arrived!’ or ‘Dress is here and I love the colour.’ You were focusing on the size of the dress and on your own size rather than the aesthetics of the dress, have you considered that every time you make a big deal of th fact you’re a smaller size it probably comes across as critical to the fact they’re still a larger size?

Also, you say you’re not a weight loss bore but also says it’s obvious from your instagram you eat healthy and go to the gym. If you’re posting about it all the time then how can you say you’re not a bore?

You have every right to feel proud of the weight you’ve lost, I’m sure it wasn’t an easy journey and it’s brilliant that you like the way you look and feel beautiful in the dress, but maybe just be a bit more sensitive to your friends who are still the size you once were. Every time you make a big deal about being thin it sends out an unspoken criticism that they’re still overweight, maybe don’t try to focus so heavily on whether clothes fit you or what size they are when you post photos to this group and try to focus on other things like the colour or shape which don’t alienate your larger friends,

You mention that they know about your exercise and healthy eating from Instagram. I expect they are jealous and this has turned into 'oh look another post about her bloody weight loss.'

YANBU if this was intentional.

Many times I have missed things in the group chat as someone has said something and I’ve responded to that and not scrolled up.

If you are on Instagram posting your workouts and diet food then this wasn’t a one off photo and it does sound like you want quite a lot of attention for your hard work.

I don’t think it’s at all stupid. Doing more exercise is an achievement. Changing diet is an achievement. The fact that someone is now slimmer, fatter, blonder, darker, with new clothes, is not an achievement. It’s all about looks, and looks aren’t, or shouldn’t be, an achievement. But I agree the friends should have commented that you look nice. It’s a polite and nice thing to do.

Well, just wanted to add losing weight is a fabulous achievement and keeping it off even more so. Don't be put off by people saying or implying it's nothing to feel good about. Enjoy your new size, enjoy your new clothes and enjoy that ice cream every now and then without sb calling you fat and saying you should be eating salad instead. People can be really pissy and jealous about weight: ignore OP, just bloody ignore them.

That’s my take if as you say you a re regularly posting pics on Instagram of both your food and you in the gym etc, then to them this is jist another photo looking for compliments and attention seeking.

im sure they have liked your photos, or discussed it with you before, you might also be giving it “oh I can’t eat or drink that” when out.

you also aay you don’t discuss it “daily”, but I’m guessing when you see them you do throw in comments about the gym or your food or something as it does feel like you need the attention. And this will have been going on a very long time if you’ve went from a 24 to a 12.

so maybe they’ve just reached the peak and are getting fed up of it. You’ve positioned it that people will respond they are jealous of you becayse they are fat. You knew that’s what the response would be when you asked, which makes me think that’s what you wanted to hear.

id like to hear it from their side, which of course isn’t possible, but I am going to guess it would read very different to your oh I never mention it take.

Of course it is an achievement, it is the result of exercise and diet change....comparing losing a shit load of weight to getting a new haircut is actually one of the stupidest things I have ever read.

"I don’t think it’s at all stupid. Doing more exercise is an achievement. Changing diet is an achievement. The fact that someone is now slimmer, fatter, blonder, darker, with new clothes, is not an achievement."

Don't be silly. Setting out to lose an amount of weight, working hard to make that happen, and then achieving your goal is, of course, an achievement.

Buying new clothes or dying your hair is not, I agree, an achievement in itself.

They don't have to be jealous to be bored with it though.

Lots of people get bored of baby or dinner photos for example, and jealousy doesn't come into it.

As an overweight person, I need reassurance that I look ok. Maybe being overweight themselves they think that when you're thinner you don't need that?

They're your friends; you can assume that they're jealous or you can tell them that they hurt your feelings and ask them why they didn't say anything. 🤷‍♀️

As a rule, I don't comment on people's weight. It just feels a bit awkward, partly as it can be interpreted as you didn't look great before you lost the weight.

If someone brought it up in a face to face conversation, I'd feel more comfortable saying something. But I wouldn't probably comment in a WhatsApp group, it's a too personal for me.

You wouldn't tell a friend excitedly posting a photo of the bridesmaid dress they've been working hard to slim into, that they looked great?

I give my friends lots of compliments but not really about their appearance, and probably not from a photo. If I saw someone in person, I might say they look nice.

It may be because my group of close friends are an even split of male and female, and it's not something we tend to comment on. Kids, holidays, jobs, pets, sports, achievements yes but not how we look.

It bloody well is! What a stupid comparison, losing weight is hard, really hard, especially the amount the OP has lost, and how is sitting on your arse reading a magazine at the hairdressers a comparison? It's not that's why..

Have they ever discussed your weight loss op, or congratulated you, or said you've done well? I am just wondering whether they really don't celebrate your achievements, or whether they just didn't do it on this occasion?

Sometimes I'm not sure whether to congratulate people on losing weight and saying how great they look etc...I might be overthinking but I worry it implies that they didn't look good when they were bigger and that I was always thinking they should lose weight etc. I tend not to mention it unless they do, or I know them really well

But they are her good friends and she invited comments by posting a photo of herself in a size 12 bridesmaid dress in a private chat. I can't think of any innocent excuse for not saying that she looked nice really.

I have 2 Instagram accounts. A family one and a health one.

Only 1 of them follows my health one but others are aware of it.

So they're not exposed to it at all.

I don't talk about it in the group chat as I know iltheyre probably not interested.

I think it's a bloody big achievement.

I lost nearly 7 stone.

I was pre-diabetic, had thyroid issues and sleep apnea. I suffered for 10 years with a binging disorder and became agoraphobic due to my weight gain.

I've turned round much more than just my appearance.

I think maybe YABU if you expected them to specifically congratulate you on losing weight, as per many of the reasons above BUT I voted YANBU because there is literally no reason why they couldn't have just said anything else nice about the dress, not mentioning weight/fit at all, anything as simple as 'you look lovely,' 'gorgeous colour on you,' 'wow nice pattern,' 'brings out your eyes' etc etc. Presumably they have on occasion posted things that mean a lot to them and expected you to respond - personally I couldn't care less about some of the cute dogs, babies with food all over their faces, recent run times, or whatever comes up on a group whatsapp, but I try to make a nice comment/congratulate them because it clearly means something to them and takes a second of my time.

Some of these comments are unbelievable. Honestly Op, bloody well done for achieving your goal, and unfortunately the only conclusion it's possible to draw from what's happened with your WhatsApp group is that those friends not commenting/ complimenting are just not actually very good friends. In fact they're shit friends. Actual friends would never see one of their own being proud of themselves as 'boastful' or 'fishing for compliments' just exactly that - proud of themselves, as you bloody well should be! I support, encourage and boost my friends - and they do the same for me - not ignore, diminish or belittle their achievements, no matter how I feel.

What the hell happened to do unto others 🙄 it's just mean minded.

I'm really pleased for you op! 👏😁